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This is radical, is this acceptable?


Applewhite

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I want to hear your comments and ideas...

 

If a person has things in their past that happened to them, and they had no control over it and they were deeply scarred by them it is reasonable for them to not want to think about these things anymore to move forward. This is one way of healing and it works for some (I understand that it may not work for everyone).

 

If this is the situation, and the person has chosen not to think of past occurrences, is it acceptable that they do not reveal basic information about their lives to new people in their lives as long as the information is not vital to these new relationships? If asked is it appropriate to lie? Not lie in order to misrepresent something and gain advantage from the situation, but lie just to not have to bring it up.

 

For example, if one has had a detrimental and abusive relationship with their father, whom they no longer have a relationship with, is it appropriate to say I do not have a father and I do not want to talk about this? Or even for their whole family? If there is pain there that one wishes to not revisit, is it acceptable to not bring them up, not talk about them and if asked by acquaintances to say you have no family?

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I think it is perfectly acceptable to say you do not want to talk about something and the person should respect it as long as it does not affect the other person is some way. Sometimes though when people care they want to dig deeper in order to help. I guess it comes down to letting people be who they are.

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Hmm.... it is a tough question, so I guess my response to it purely reflects my own opinion of course...

 

I think it is acceptable to say, firmly, "I don't wish to talk about it"... but I don't think it is really ok to lie.

 

I feel this way because in the same vein, I don't truly think it is ok to lie to yourself. Not wishing to think about things is one thing... I don't think anyone should be stuck dwelling in the past. However I do think, or would hope that those hurt would eventually be able to accept the past and work through their pain.

 

But no, this does not mean they are forced to talk about it with just anyone if they don't wish it.

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I think it is ok to be "cagey" about the subject with new acquaintances. But if I had a close friend, or a boyfriend, with such a past, I would at least except her/him to tell me that they had a father, that he was not a good father, and then maybe that she/he did not wish to talk about it. However, I would be upset by the lie, and feel betrayed, if I were a close friend or the girlfriend of someone with such a past.

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I dont think so, consciously suppressing memories or emotions may work... but what gets you in trouble is the sub conscious that was effected by it. The subtle nuances in your life which you dont actively observe are effected by the weight your subconscious still bears.

 

Im not saying its impossible to hold a healthy relationship with yourself or another with this trouble, but i am sure that it does effect you and your relationships in ways you may not be aware of.

 

So id say, confront the past, come to peace with it and move on, i know thats the harder thing to do but life ironically is all about not taking the easy ways out. Thats for yourself though, you can tell your SO as little or as much as you like he/she has nothing to do with it anyways. Myself, i wouldnt bring up the past like that because i hate people having pity on me, as far as im concerned life with them began the moment we met discussing the past like your describing would be irrelevant.

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Hmm.... it is a tough question, so I guess my response to it purely reflects my own opinion of course...

 

I think it is acceptable to say, firmly, "I don't wish to talk about it"... but I don't think it is really ok to lie.

 

I feel this way because in the same vein, I don't truly think it is ok to lie to yourself. Not wishing to think about things is one thing... I don't think anyone should be stuck dwelling in the past. However I do think, or would hope that those hurt would eventually be able to accept the past and work through their pain.

 

But no, this does not mean they are forced to talk about it with just anyone if they don't wish it.

 

But shouldn't everyone get at least one chance to start out fresh, new page? Especially if the wrong doings were not their own fault? To pretend it never happened if they want it that way?

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But shouldn't everyone get at least one chance to start out fresh, new page? Especially if the wrong doings were not their own fault? To pretend it never happened if they want it that way?

Sure, but then the people (or partner) in their life might misconstrue that as having "trust issues" . I know I have been accused of that when there have been parts of my past I don't care to revisit. I don't think you can ever fully bury these things. I think it's best to talk about them with someone you feel close to at some point. If that can't happen, just tell them there are things from your past that you would rather remain in the past and that you don't want to talk about it - but that person might be hurt and think you don't trust them or feel comfortable with them.

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To pretend it never happened if they want it that way?

 

I don't think it works like this.

 

To put it kind of bluntly...that's a bit like being an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.

 

This is just my opinion, but it's important to come to terms with your life as it really has been, and is, not how you wish it could have been. To not do so is only to deny yourself the process of grieving and healing what hurt you, and I totally agree with coldplay that your subconscious mind won't go along with that. It won't play that game. You don't have to dwell on it the rest of your life, but it's much better to be able to say, "This is what happened, I am becoming a new person in each moment that I live, I am not my past, but I do acknowledge that it occurred."

 

I don't think pretending is healthy, and while it's fine to go at your own rate through the processing of what happened, taking all the time you need, I do believe that it should be part of living an aware and awake life to be proactive in processing it, not tuning out. Again, this is what I believe is the best thing, not just the most "comfortable" thing.

 

That said, I don't think a partner should pressure someone to talk about things they aren't ready to. I personally would feel hurt if my partner, who I share all other intimacies with, simply shut me out of knowing what happened completely. I would hope they could trust me, and that we could both know and together make new types of memories. I would deal with it and accept it, if they really couldn't bear to discuss it, but I'd really want to also think that there isn't compensation going on somewhere else in their lives, and chances are, there is, for the aforementioned reasons. And I'd have to feel that the relationship is otherwise an open one. I certainly wouldn't feel right about a lie, though. I'd feel betrayed if I was lied to.

 

It all depends on the type of relationship, though. With acquaintances, I think it's perfectly appropriate to say, "I'd prefer not to discuss it." I think, "I don't have a father" is pretty sinister, and certainly says a lot for what it's not saying. I personally would feel much better saying, "I don't have contact with my father/family anymore, so I don't talk about him/them these days."

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But shouldn't everyone get at least one chance to start out fresh, new page? Especially if the wrong doings were not their own fault? To pretend it never happened if they want it that way?

 

I agree very much with what ToV has said.

 

There is a difference between starting out with a fresh page and completely pretending your past never happened.

 

The thing is, we are humans... not gods. We lack the power to truly erase the past. To pretend it never happened is not really just lying to other people - it is lying to yourself. It is almost inevitable that you will come accross something that will remind you of your true past and will dig up those memories.

 

It is far better to reconcile your past - to accept that you cannot change things and move forward from there. THAT is your fresh, new page. And you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to with anyone if you don't wish it. The only people I would recommend are those closest to you who you feel trust with or a therapist.

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