The key to staying together is never falling out of love at the same time?

[Anna.]

What do you guys think. My partner and I have been together 3 years, have a 2 year old and are committed. Sometimes I'm so in-love with him and he is just not that into me. But right now he's sooo into me and our family. He works 50-60 hours a week at a crappy job to support our daughter and myself. He sent me 30 tulips the other day and he is just genuinely in-love with me right now, but now I'm not. I wish I could enjoy it.

 

I've got these little hang-ups about him that keep me annoyed. He drinks too much (after the baby's asleep usually, but still). He hasn't been taking care of his physical appearance (omg, his hair is to his waist and he hasn't shaved since November). But he is depressed, b/c his job genuinely does suck, he's a temp and they don't pay him ANYTHING hardly. But he's still sweet to me.

 

And the other thing is I've gotten back on this kick of wanting that fairytale romance. I've been reading too many books and watching too many movies while he's at work. I'm such a romantic, but our romance is more like Knocked Up than any other movie. But I want Romeo and Juliet.

 

I know I'm 25 years old with a 2 year old and am too old to think this way. I love him and fairytales aren't real. I don't know, anybody have any advice or words of wisdom???

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sometimes both of you aren't that in love with each other. That's why things like friendship are important. It's the skeleton that holds your building together when all of the insulation and wallpaper has gone away.

 

In my opinion, you can't change your partner. You can talk to them about your problems and I greatly encourage that, but once it's on the table, it's up the them. Talking about it turns into nagging.

 

The best thing to do, is change yourself. Be the best partner you can be. Instead of thinking 'oh, all these things he used to do', think of 'all the things I used to do' and bring those back. That helped me when things hit a loll. I brought back all the little things that made him fall for me. And, to my happiness, it was met by all the things he used to do.

[BellaDonna]

But he's still sweet to me.

 

I've got these little hang-ups about him that keep me annoyed

 

In some of your other threads you mentioned that he has become verbally abusive to you. So are they really small things, or is it underlying resentment you feel for being treated badly (serious stuff)?

 

 

While love is one aspect of a relationship- and staying in love is important, respect is another very crucial aspect if a relationship is to stand the test of tiem. If he is verbally abusive then he does not respect you- and it seems you no longer respect him because of the poor choices the is making.

 

Did you ever end up trying couples counseling?

 

[Day_Walker]

I think the key to staying together is wanting to stay together. If both people are committed to staying together then they will stay together.

[WomanWriter]

I don't think feeling out of love (temporarily) is anything to worry about. It is normal and natural. As long as you aren't chronically resentful, it can be fixed. But I think the problem is more than you just not feeling the sparks. I think you feel guilty because you think you SHOULD appreciate the tulips and other little things...BUT the tulips are not meeting your needs. Maybe you kinda resent that he let his appearance go.

 

I know, for me, when my boyfriend is lovey dovey but sloppy, I don't feel very good about him. What I did was explain to him that I experience romance in a different way. I told him that when he keeps his word, cleans himself up nice, and treats others with respect, then I feel butterflies for him because I admire him and his character. But all the flowers and candy in the world won't make up for a lack of self-respect. Sounds like your guy isn't respecting himself much right now, which is a turn-off. He's also not respecting you so much with the dirty appearance.

 

So I think you need to talk to him---that as much as you enjoy the gifts, you would experience his love more if he made an effort to take care of himself. If you say it in a nice way, it won't hurt him. Trust me, my boyfriend is the biggest slob...but I keep talking to him in a way that hasn't hurt him so far...and he's making changes.

 

I don't think you're wrong for feeling turned off. It is only natural. Both people have to make an effort to keep the spark alive...and gifts can't substitute for the other things.

I wouldn't break up with him over this though. Give him some leeway since he's depressed. You can still be there for him. Be accepting and supportive. But let him know how you feel too.

 

Good luck!

[WomanWriter]

Sometimes both of you aren't that in love with each other. That's why things like friendship are important. It's the skeleton that holds your building together when all of the insulation and wallpaper has gone away.

 

In my opinion, you can't change your partner. You can talk to them about your problems and I greatly encourage that, but once it's on the table, it's up the them. Talking about it turns into nagging.

 

The best thing to do, is change yourself. Be the best partner you can be. Instead of thinking 'oh, all these things he used to do', think of 'all the things I used to do' and bring those back. That helped me when things hit a loll. I brought back all the little things that made him fall for me. And, to my happiness, it was met by all the things he used to do.

 

I agree with this too. Changing yourself will cause him to see how attractive you are when you take care of yourself. Maybe he will want to take care of HIMself so he will be more attractive to you too.

[OntheWire]

And the other thing is I've gotten back on this kick of wanting that fairytale romance. I've been reading too many books and watching too many movies while he's at work. I'm such a romantic, but our romance is more like Knocked Up than any other movie. But I want Romeo and Juliet.

 

Romeo and Juliet both killed themselves. They weren't the brightest bulbs on the tree.

 

Stories often oversimplify love or they just get it plain wrong. Love is sacrifice... it sounds to me like he's sacrificing. And romance is just icing when it goes along with love. But without love, romance is just a superficial illusion.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Romeo and Juliet both killed themselves. They weren't the brightest bulbs on the tree.

 

Stories often oversimplify love or they just get it plain wrong. Love is sacrifice... it sounds to me like he's sacrificing. And romance is just icing when it goes along with love. But without love, romance is just a superficial illusion.

 

There's a reason romeo and juliet were in their mid teens.

[lavenderdove]

You are experiencing some of the common feelings people get when they have a surprise pregnancy very early in the relationship (and at a young age).

 

You have to ask yourself honestly, are you together only because of the baby, and would you have left him a long time ago if not for the baby? Are you really compatible with each other, or just trying to make do because of the baby?

 

The point is, maybe you are really good together and the baby just came early on and put more pressure on the relationship to be serious too soon and hence the problems associated with that. Or maybe you aren't right for each other and just are pretending to be because you happened to accidentally get pregnant.

 

If there is a genuine basis for a good relationship there, then you can work thru this. If you were just making do because of the baby, eventually it will fall apart anyway as these things do.

 

So you need to focus on really assessing whether you are good partners or not. If you are, then you need to start setting goals that get him out of a low wage job that depresses him, and when he feels better, the relationship might improve. Is either one of you in school? In fact, if you are staying home with the baby, you could be getting an online degree from home. When you're done with that, you can go to work, and he can go to school to get a better job. So you can work around these problems, if you recgonize that you need to solve them, and not keep him in a horrible job he hates forever.

 

So if you're not working now (or don't have a career), you should be going to school from home. Many degrees can be gotten 100% online these days, and you can get student loans to pay for them. If you boyfriend feels he has some hope for a better future, he may feel less depressed and trapped. And if you have something outside the home to focus on as well, you might not scrutinize your boyfriend so much because you are happy in other way.

 

btw, if you have time to read romance novels and watch movies, you have time to get a degree at home and better your life as a person and as a family. Romance novels are an ESCAPE, not a solution to anything. They are fun sometimes, but really, notice how in the novels everyone never worries about money or dirty diapers or real life. Start working on careers that will get you a good income and out of the house, and you will feel better about him and life in general.