Opinions/Advice, Please

[christina0001]

Hello~ This is my first post so I am not really sure how everything works yet.

I have been in a relationship for nine years. We met in high school in 1995. We got engaged in 2001. Well, 3 weeks ago, he broke up with me. He decided he did not want to have kids so he went and had a vesectomy and told me after the procedure was completed. He said that he didn't want to get married but that he didn't want to break up either. He then later said that he did want to break up. Obviously, we are no longer together but we talk everyday on the computer & phone. (We have also spent time together 3 times over the past 3 weeks. When we are alone everything is fine and he acts completely normal. But when we're around other people he acts like he wants nothing to do with me.) I am extremely confused. Two weeks before we broke up he asked his friend to be one of his groomsman (we were getting married in 2005) and we had talked about having children off and on. I am not sure why he had the vesectomy, especially behind my back, and I am not sure why after nine years he wanted to break up. He says he wants some time to himself. (FYI: we have been together for nine years because we met in highschool and were waiting until we both finished college to get married). I don't understand anything right now and am so confused! One minute I don't want anything to do with him and the next I can't stand to be away from him. Any advice would be very appreciated~

Sincerely

[BreArna]

wow that sounds reallly weird of him, considering a week before he was asking a friend to be his groomsmen.. Maybe something happened that you arent aware of that turned him of marriage and kids.. you should try and find out because it may be something yous can work on .. Somethings happening in his head atm so u need to find out what.. Godd luck ! and really feel for you

[lisaria]

Hey christina,

It is always so confusing when someone we love does something completely against character. For him to get a vasectomy without saying anything to you about it until it was over was pretty dishonest. It's been three weeks and he says he doesn't want to be with you and acts funny around other people when he is with you? Then it's time for you to let it go and I know how hard that will be.

That is one thing that really pisses me off. What does he think he's doing? Who does he think he is? He is not being honest, caring, or showing any consideration for you at all. You have to begin the No Contact rule today. Have you seen other posts about that? It's where you break off all contact with the ex in order to get your head on straight and start healing. He is not the one you have to worry about now. You are hurting and confused and he will play on that every time he wants your company. He knows if he calls or emails you then you're there for him. Have you ever not been there for him? Especially now. It's just hurting you more everytime you are together or talk to him. Because you think it is a good sign that he didn't mean any of the hurtful things he has done or said and that it means you're together. But honey, you're not. He makes that plain when you're with others. He's got you on his terms and where does that leave you?

It's not fair to you. None of this is fair to you. You thought you guys were going to be together the rest of your lives, have kids together, grow old together. He's the one that blew that dream all to hell. Leave him alone for awhile. Step back so you can think about this. Call your buddies and vent. Get up here and belt it out. We are all here for pretty much the same reason. It will get better, but not until you leave him alone for a while. It will be so hard. You will feel like a hollow shell of yourself for some time. You will be so mad at him you'd like to hurt him at times and then so sad that you won't be able to get out of bed some days. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions that will never seem to get better. But they will, it will take time, but you will get through the pain and become a stronger person. I know...who gives a crap about being stronger? You just want him back and so do I. It's been four months for me and I still hurt, but it's not so intense. It will gradually ease off. It may not ever go away, but you will learn to live without him. You have to because that is what he chose. I'm sorry. They do this to the people that love them and I can't understand why. We give them our heart and soul and they stomp on them and have no use for us. Why? Why can't things work out?

I'm sorry if I seemed cruel at times but you have to think only about you now. Be selfish, it's ok in this situation. Do whatever you have to get you through this and we are all here for you. I wish there were something I could do to make it easier on all of us, but what? We just get through the days one at a time and pray for relief. Good luck.

lisaria

[christina0001]

Thanks Lisaria.

 

I know your right! Its just so hard not to talk to him. I have talked to him every day for the past 9 years. It seems like that as long as I am talking to him online at least i know where he is at and he's not out with anyone else, you know what I mean? I really appreciate everything you said, its exactly how I feel. Things are so confusing. I have never dated anyone else, I met him when I was 14 and now I am 23. I don't even know how to find a boyfriend. One minute I want a new boyfriend so that I am not lonely anymore but I know that I am probably not ready for one and don't want to hurt the new one. Then one minute I just want to go to his house and try and fix things but how do you change your mind about not having kids? Anyway, thanks so much for your words.

 

Sincerely,

Christi