This is just too much

[Pixiemeat]

I've posted a topic about my boyfriend being depressed before, but it's got a lot worse and I really, really need all the help I can get.

 

We've been together for over two years, and are at university together. Since we've started going out we've increasingly cut ourselves off from all our old friends (bad move, I know), and we are always together. I've been ok with this: I quite like the security and insularity that this relationship provides. My boyfriend is now at a crucial point in his studies, and this academic year has seen him produce a paltry amount of work, as well as him constantly talking about how little he has 'achieved' in terms of extra-curricular activities. He says he has no friends, is depressed, is never invited to anything, never has any fun and that he has wasted this year both academically and in terms of doing other fun stuff. I don't think he wants to break up with me, but what can I do? What can HE do? His backlog of work is immense and he's even more annoyed that can't think 'well, at least I was having fun' when he thinks about how much he has to catch up on. He wishes he was one of the other people on campus, having fun and balancing work with seeing their friends, but he just spends his days lamenting how little work he has done and how stupid he thinks he is.

 

I love him so much, and I'm desperate to do anything to help, even if people advise that we should break up or that this is all my fault. Please, please, please help me: this is hell for him and me both. I just want to see the man I fell in love with happy again.

 

Thank you.

[JaneDoe]

Whoa, hard situation. Well, I would first of all, start by having a long talk with him and asking him what would have made his year better. Also ask what he'd like to have in his life. If he wants more friends, try to get him to go out and find some friends or get some mutual friends of both of you. If he just wants to have more fun, then try to find some fun things that both of you guys can do together. Also, keep reassuring him that he is not stupid and will do fine in finishing up school. If he still struggles, try to help him out a little and lighten his load. Finally, make sure to let him know that you will always be there for him if and when he needs you. I don't know if this is what you were looking for but I think it's worth a try.

[Ash]

Yep, it's tricky. He's spiralling down into a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. He's decided he's failing, and he sounds like he'd trying to convince himself it's just inevitable. That, and perhaps trying to transfer blame away from himself. I know you haven't said that, but I'm familiar with the feelings. That is, if he's like me, and it sounds like he is.

 

Certain things can cause that. He might simply be burned out. Emotionally and perhaps even physically tired. Does he stay up late nights worrying because he has so much to do, guilty enough that he's so far behind that he denies himself sleep?

 

One thing I need every once in a while is a firm kick in the butt to get my mind out of the loop it's in. This is usually somebody I respect getting somewhat annoyed at me, and my then realizing they were justified in it.

 

If you think that will help, be prepared. You have to get a bit angry at him, then leave him alone for a bit, perhaps even just a few hours. Long enough that he gets past being annoyed with you for being cross at him. Then go and talk to him, and tell him about all the good things in his life. And that he can change things if he wants. That you love him and you will help him. Offer him the helping hand he needs to get things to work better. Point out to him what the positive things are. Sit down with him and help work out a plan of what to do when.

 

I know it's tough, but it can be easy to let yourself become the person against which he lets all his negativity bounce off. Every once in a while push back, and let him know that he's not the only one with issues, that others do have them too, including yourself.

 

And yes, those people he things are all happy and balanced, they have their tough days too. He just doesn't see that.

 

And if there's any way to manage it, try to plan a break for him between major work times, when he can get a chance to relax and just do nothing. And if it means taking an entire semester off, then talk to him to see if that's a possibility. If he's a smart guy, which I'm sure he is, at some point he'll realize he's making it tough on himself, and a break to allow him to recharge will help.

 

And I really hate to say this, but I suspect you might already realize it, it doesn't actually get any easier when you finish university. It may for a little bit, but once you get fully engaged in life past schooling, you'll find the same things can happen. The way around this is to really try and avoid taking on the wrong types of tasks.

 

I don't know if I've helped or not. I do hope there's maybe just the slightest bit of something useful in there.

 

Good luck to both of you.