ran into the ex's brother on Friday...

[Brandell]

... and even though I had been expecting to see a member of her family for some time (we are now split two months and I have not seen anyone, which is amazing since her family live all around me).. and I have beenn dreading the day i would meet them as I simply do not want to know what she is up to, if she is seeing anyone else etc.

 

I was waiting to be picked up by a friend when he pulled up and offered me a lift. I explained I was being picked up but spoke to him through the car window for a few minutes. I was very friendly with him and asked him all about himself, his wife and kids, his job etc. etc... but DID NOT mention my ex. Funny thing was there came a moment of silence when I knew he wanted to talk about the breakup and he said... "well how are things?" and I KNEW he would mention what my ex. was up to (he sees her regularly) but then I panicked and tried to laugh it of and said "lets not mention the war ok?" and smiled. He smiled back but quizzically like he thought it strange I did not ask about her and we brushed it off talked for a few minutes, said our goodbyes and left without discussing her.

 

Afterwards I thought maybe I SHOULD have asked 'well, how is she doing?" but I was terrified if I did that he might tell me she is seeing someone else or even that she is gone away on holidays, or back with her ex. husband, or even if I heard she is doing great!! I would want to know why etc... point is if he told me how she was doing, and especially if she was with someone else I would dwell on it and it would damage me so I left it alone... like another extension of the "no contact".

 

I have not had ANY contact with her now in 3 weeks and I am kind of glad I did not mention her to him but now I am thinking that when he goes back to her and tells her I did not even ask for her she will assume I don't give s**t anymore. Maybe I SHOULD have asked. I have been second guessing myself on this. And who knows? if I had of asked maybe he might have even said she misses me...

 

Did I do the right thing by not asking him about her? What impression do you think it left?

[sparkler624]

hey. I think you did the right thing. If you would have asked about her, her cousin might have gone back to her and said "Hey, I saw your ex today... he kept talking about you... he's still dwelling... etc" By not asking about her you showed that you were fine with the break up and moving on with your life. I think not asking or talking about her was the best route. Good job, and hey now you won't have to dread seeing her family for the first time since the break up anymore.

[amaranth_04]

hmmm, you want to know and at the same time you don't, bit difficult that..

 

If she knows you well enough, she may guess at the way your mind was working when you met her brother. Depending on your break-up, do you think she would welcome a hello from you? From what you said, i'm guessing she broke things off? You don't have to answer this.

 

Well, if you happen to run into the family again, just as you're saying bye, slip in ''send __ my regards'' and let it go there. If she wants to get in touch, she will do so regardless.

 

Don't beat yourself up about the meet with her brother. You can't turn back the clock. You reacted based on however you were feeling in that instance, so leave it at that.

 

If you're not prepared to have contact, then don't. You have to be prepared to hear something you don't want to if she were to get in touch with you, or if you were to ask after her. Consider the situation that led to the break-up, and if it's worthwhile letting her know you still care.

[Brandell]

Yes.. she was the one who broke with me and I will be honest it has affected me very badly as I was not expecting it, I still love her deeply, and really thought we would be together forever.

 

I am finding the 3 weeks of no contact is helping me in some way.. not sure if it is healing, denial, out of sight out of mind or whatever but i just know that when I DID contact her in the past (a phone call a few weeks ago) it was awful, I begged, pleaded etc... you know ALL the wrong stuff and she just pulled away from me.

 

I could have told her brother "send my regards.." just as we were leaving I guess. At least then it would be a closing remark and would not prompt him to talk of her.

 

I don't know, i guess I am just not prepared to find out what she is up to and at this point i really DON'T KNOW what she is up to. She could be with someone else or not... but the point is I think its seems easier for me not to know ANYTHING at all about her at present and that is the way that is makng it seem easier for me.

 

I know to others it might seem as if I don't care, on the contrary I do, but the pain is too great to even discuss her.

 

Does that make sense?

[amaranth_04]

Yes, it makes perfect sense. She hurt you by ending things, quite abruptly, too. If you want to get back together at some point, it would be up to her. She would have to make things right. Also by then, you could be over her. Maybe still working on it, but over wanting to get back with her.

 

After what you've just said, it occurred to me your impulse to ask after her when you met the brother was you trying to get past no-contact. By ''getting in touch with her'' thru her brother, you could have consoled yourself after that technically, you would have not broken NC. However, you realized that whether you found out about her indirectly or otherwise, you'd be faced with similar repercussions; dealing with the possible rejection in the knowledge that she had indeed moved on. thereforeeee, you immediately changed the subject.

 

So your instincts were helping you. You learned your lesson from the previous contact that did not go well. You had taken in the knowledge of what you had best stay away from to lessen the pain for yourself. So you see, you did make the right move by not asking about her. Your gut told you, you werent ready to have contact/knowledge of her.

 

Keep going with NC since it's helping you along. You can always find out about her further down the track when you're in better shape emotionally. And in that time, when you do ask, you would just want to know how she is w/o having ulterior motives for getting in touch and have them backfire on you, and back to square one in healing yourself.

[Brandell]

thank you my friend, those insights have helped me no end?

 

its so hard to know isn't it? Our minds tend to play tricks on us during periods of no contact aswell. I find myself imagining her out partying, with another man, really happy to have me out of her life etc... etc... and if I found out any of that were true at the stage i am at now it would knock me right back to square one.

 

on the other hand she could be sitting at home, wondering how to contact me again thinking thats its ME who has moved on... strange isnt it?

 

But right now the not knowing is knowledge enough for me.

[amaranth_04]

True, you don't want to know if she's out partying.

on the other hand she could be sitting at home, wondering how to contact me again thinking thats its ME who has moved on

 

Don't worry about it. What was she expecting when she ended things, that'd yoú'd be sitting at home pining for her ? (nevermind if you are, she need not know about it, and she certainly should not expect it.) She ended it, it's up to her to reach out to you for a reconciliation. Don't drive yourself nuts feeling her feelings for her, or thinking her thoughts. You want a woman with guts who will admit to making a mistake in ending things and trying to make things right. If she's that sort, you need not worry, she will come looking. If she isn't, you also need not worry 'cos you should want someone who's willing to make amends and be humble enough to ask to have you back if they want you back. If she doesn't want to get back, you're already doing well with taking care of yourself, so no worries there, too.

 

Good luck with your healing.

[tere]

it happen the same to me regarding the brother of my ex, he works for the same company I do. Last Tuesday he came to check over the computer systems... I knew from days before that he was going and came to the same paradigm of whether to ak about my ex or not. However, as thinking about it all I came to the conclusion that asking his brother about my ex was kind of breaking NC... because after all they're family and the moment will come that his brother says "hey! I saw you're ex and she asked me about you... bla..bla" and my ex will think that I'm still insecure and needy.

So that day his brother came, I had the impression that he was like waiting for me to say or ask something... pretty unusual that he made more conversation, I just tried to be calm and secure... he did asked me a general question such as "how is everything going?" I did replied nice about general things I've been doing but tried not to mention anything about the break up (what would I say anyway?)

I did felt good about the outcome of that because, I prefer that when my ex asks or his brother mentions me, the impression is that I'm doing ok and that I have a life... maybe even get my ex wondering why didn't I asked?

[kate111]

Brandell,

 

Good on you! I think you are going extremely well.

 

You realised that any information about what the ex is doing is going to harm you and so you protected yourself.

 

You realised from a phone call to the ex that begging wouldn't work and so you havent done it again.

 

Bravo, you are going well and now you should allow yourself some care and pampering and to move on.

[detox5]

Sorry if this is a post on another post, but I just want to share something that Brandell has taught me. My ex is talking to me again because her exams are over and she wants to talk to me again etc. Its been a week or so, we keep converstations short etc cause shes always busy and that stuff. Anyways, I thought I did good in as I didnt ask stupid questions, I was out saturday, I texted her dont come out if you are thinking 2, cause ur ex is here, she said she was at london (first time in ages shes replied to a txt) then I ring her later on and I talk but she is tired so i said ok ill call you tomorrow. Sorry if im babaling, my point im trying to get out, is that I feel as if I NEED to know what shes doing in her life, I dont know why, anyways Brandell, you said about u didnt ask about her etc, and thats what i need to do. Forever I am asking my friends if they have seen her out, who she was with, the shoes you are going through I need to also. I think you doing really good at the NC thing, im soo crap at it, I see her online and then I message her, I cant help but wonder what she is up 2. Do you have any advice on how to keep as strong as you are, by not asking what shes up 2 and finding out about her life? Ive said some stupid stuff that saturday to her (by text) i think ive blown the contact again, so im going into hiding again to heal, and hopefully she will forget my foolesh texts I sent, so any advice welcome Brandell!