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Why do i keeping choking?! Argh!


Casmut

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I have been talking to my ex on and off the phone all day and our conversations are having a lot to do with relationships and expectations, its very interesting to hear and i can tell that she is trying to figure out if i am with someone, which i am not. She even made comments about coming to see me once her work lets up...

 

But as all my other threads are saying, we still haven't talked about our break up and its at the tip of my tongue but i am having so much trouble just simply bringing up the subject. I have been given some solid advice about how to approach her about it, i just need to...well approach her. The night is still young and she is going to call me in 20 or 30 minutes, i need some motivation or some courage or something! ](*,)

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Well, I read your post from before and you seem pretty keen on figuring out why she broke up with you even though it's not an easy subject to bring up. The problem isn't really bringing up the subject, it's how you will react once she tells you which you need to worry about.

 

Bring it up. Just say "Now that I think about it, I never knew why you broke up with me." Once she starts telling you stuff try to stay calm, cool and collected and know that she could very well say something very hurtful to you.

 

Decide whether your going to forgive her before the conversation starts. If you are going to forgive her stick to it and keep your emotions in check.

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You can do it!

It might be scary but hey, it HAS to be done right? So do it with courage and keep your head high. What she tells you shouldn't matter right? If you love her, want to be with her then forgiving her is the first step.

Might as well get this over with and move onto the next step.

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Thank you for the replies

 

I have forgiven her a long time ago about what happened, but i cannot move forward with her, be it a relationship or a friendship because it does eat away at me at times on why she left me and i'd like really like to know. I was planning on waiting to speak to my mentor about the whole thing but that appointment is on the 13th. Its just a test of patience..fortunately however while it does eat at me, i am not losing sleep or not eating so i am fine but my gut is really telling me that i must find out what happened.

 

I am prepared for whatever answer she gives me, just as long as i can close this chapter..

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It's good you have forgiven her but if it still eats away at you give yourself time to heal. Figure out why she dumped you first and foremost. Get that chapter done, cause there really is no point in prolonging it. What happened happened...and avoiding it won't ever change it.

Afterwards take as much time as you need to heal. Time is usually good for healing.

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The timing is just so awful though, its going to be one year since she dumped me very soon. We have been on and off the phone all night, still are..she called me about an hour ago and we talked for about 20 minutes, but i didn't bring anything up.

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Well she went to sleep, and i didn't bring it up. I am starting to get the feeling that i am running out of time to do this. It has been, far to long. Although it is my fault for being absolutely stubborn. Perhaps this is a good thing, i know i don't need more time to reflect on the relationship, there were ups and downs and for the most part things were great. She can be a bit pissy sometimes and is hot and cold because she has a hard time dealing with most obstacles that get in her way.

 

Most people have told me to just not bother with her anymore and that she is damaged goods but i continue to push for reasons i don't know. Maybe its love, or maybe its for answers? I know if things don't turn out well that it won't effect me like it did last year since well, at the moment everything else in my life is going very well and i have many things to look forward to, unlike last year when i had many serious problems attack me at the same time. I am a very outspoken person and generally have no trouble at all speaking my mind but i keep freezing up when i am just about to bring up the topic.

 

I was thinking of writing a letter, but i'd prefer to speak with her or rather see her in person but at the moment it is not possible. She'll be back home in May or June but that is a long time from now and who knows what could happen. So i am beginning to wonder if a letter would be good...

 

The people here at ENA have given me fantastic advice and for that i am extremely greatful, i do not know how much more advice i can get on this subject, at least until i finally talk to her about the problem.

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Most people have told you not to bother, but I think you should bother mainly because it's bothering you. If you don't find out, it will probably keep bothering you for along time.

Why are you afraid to ask her exactly? Is it because you really don't want to know, just in case it's something bad? Are you afraid of losing her? Or is just because you think it's awkward?

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You've waited this long. If I were you I would wait until she comes to see you. It is ALWAYS better to have this kind of conversation in person, if possible. Also, there is a huge aspect of your interaction that is missing. That is how you feel about her in person.

It is so much easier to avoid that when you aren't actually seeing each other in person. So many distortions can occur.

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We saw each other sometime in December/January, it was brief and i got a hug out of it. She eventually went back to her job which may have her on the west coast for a few more months.

 

I'd really like to do this in person but who knows when if i will see her again. We talked today and she asked about my time off of work and how much time i have off, etc. She wants to come see me but its very unclear when or if it will happen.

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I have been talking to my ex on and off the phone all day and our conversations are having a lot to do with relationships and expectations, its very interesting to hear and i can tell that she is trying to figure out if i am with someone, which i am not. She even made comments about coming to see me once her work lets up...

 

But as all my other threads are saying, we still haven't talked about our break up and its at the tip of my tongue but i am having so much trouble just simply bringing up the subject. I have been given some solid advice about how to approach her about it, i just need to...well approach her. The night is still young and she is going to call me in 20 or 30 minutes, i need some motivation or some courage or something! ](*,)

 

Write a letter. Talk to her and stick to the the major points in the letter.

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I may be alone on this one, but I wouldn't even ask why you broke up. To me a year is a long time apart to bring up the actions of the break up. I know its bothering you. I have been in that position before, however an answer isn't going to make the situation go away. If you want to get back together I would tread lightly. Instead of asking why she broke up, ask her to hang out. Body language and connection will answer more questions that coming at her about the break up. It may push her too much to where she will put up a wall and back away.

 

The only suggestion I would make is to push to hang out. To see each other.Phone calls are nice but they put a false hope of 'where's this going'... It also keeps you on the string. I would be a little less available..When she calls ask to go out for lunch or dinner in the near future. If she denies keep the convo short and tell her you have plans and have to run.. Take some time to get back to her.. Just my 2 cents..

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I am going to write up a letter at some point over the next few days, and before i do anything with it. I will post it here.

 

When she comes back home, i know she is going to want to do stuff with me. I am taking a trip soon and she wanted to come with me but she the timing on the trip doesn't work for her. I know if i ask her to go out with me somewhere, she will go.

 

I realize that i should leave the past in the past. However my pride is getting the better of me and probably for a good reason. I do want to get back with her, but i really want to know what happened first. I need to know what went wrong so if we do get back together we can avoid it all together. Like learning from your mistakes. I can learn all of this through body language and other passive ways but lack of being physically available at the moment is a problem.

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