First Date

[FirstLove1607308205]

Since the breakup almost 4 months ago...I started bawling while I was driving to the restaraunt. I was actually physically shaking. I don't want anyone but my ex. At the last min I was able to pull it together and go...it was okay but I feel so empty now. The guy was nice, the meal was good (and free! lol) but I felt so fake and unfaithful to my ex...kept looking off into space instead of at my date. I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I just think about my ex calling me on VDay...and how I know that's a day for lovers...and I keep wondering why he REALLY called.](*,) I feel almost positive he still loves me....but I can't understand why he's doing this...being so stubborn. I just want, for once, to be one of those people who gets a second chance. I miss well not my other half, but the one who complimented me. And I don't know if we could ever get it back...because he detroyed it...

 

BTW, I'm not laughing at the fact that I got free food...because I offered to pay. I'm laughing because of the irony (which you'd know if you read my background story) I usually ended up paying for everything in my LTR--which I didn't mind because I love him.

[WindowTo]

Poor guy you went on a date with. That was selfish.

[sns256]

I agree, poor guy. I know you are feeling bad but to lead someone on like that and laugh that you are useing him for free food, is not cool.

 

Being on the recieving end like that I can tell you it sucks, and a blow to self esteem/ confidence. Deal with your own problems before trying to make other guys misserable.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

That was selfish.

 

I think if she lets him know she's not ready to date yet, it'll be ok.

 

You, dear, need to know that YOU will be ok too. Maybe try some counseling. I can tell you, there are probably things about your ex that might not have been useful in a long-term relationship.

[Belle28]

I think it's admirable that you gave dating a new guy a try! Sometimes you just have to throw yourself back out there and test the waters. And you learned something valuable- you're not ready to date yet. I'd be upfront with the guy if he asks you out again--that you're not ready for anything more than friendship (if that).

 

But I commend you for having the courage to date again. Hang in there!

[FirstLove1607308205]

...I told him that I wasn't sure and he very kindly offered to go with me anyway. I am always as upfront as possible with people. I also told him that I would like to go dutch and he refused. Thank you Belle and Ms Darcy for understanding. you're so right, I DID learn something about myself..I wasn't/am not ready and didn't know it-I had no idea I'd react that way...

[adviseseeker]

Aw, it's okay that you went on a date! The breakup was 4 months ago and you don't owe him anything, you aren't in a relationship with him anymore so it's not being unfaithful and besides it was only dinner! Doesn't seem bad to me, it's actually good that you got out and had a first date with someone new. I'm at that 4 month point right now and I would probably agree to go on a date with someone if they asked. It's too bad that the emotions came back on your way there though, I guess you just need some more time. At least you told the guy you weren't sure, I would probably be too scared to do that! I'm lucky I guess, the only guy that showed any interest isn't bothering to ask me on a date so I don't have to worry about it since I'm probably not ready either :S

[icarus27]

It's telling how the men answering on this thread find it unethical to use a man for free food and free ego-stroking. The female respondents so far seem to find it okay to go on a date only to find out that "you're not ready to date", provided you "are honest with the guy", after utilising his time and money, to discover something about yourself that you could've already known before involving him.

 

What unbelieveable luxury. What an unbelieveable sense of entitlement.

[Chris Knows]

The dating scene always gets easier with time.

 

The first few are the hardest. Everybody doesn't seem to match up with your ex. Sometimes you find somebody who is better then your Ex.

[Belle28]

Wow, icarus--bitter much?

 

She told him up front she wasn't sure if she was ready AND she offered to pay for the meal.

 

What do you suggest she do? Crawl in a hole and wait until the breakup fairy taps her on the shoulder and says, "Ok, you are ready to date now! Have at it!"

 

I see nothing wrong with her attempting to move on with her life.

[icarus27]

Yes, I'm happy enough to admit that I am bitter. I'm also a darn sight more realistic than some.

 

The woman starts bawling, and physically shaking on the way to the restaurant. Is this not some kind of small sign that she is not ready and it is a lot better for all concerned if she rings the guy, cancels the date giving an honest reason why?

 

Forgive me for being old fashioned but emotional crying and involuntary bodily movements before an event are not good ways to start a date.

 

I have some news for you. No guy jumps up and down with joy at the prospect of being told, as soon as he has made some time and effort to arrive at a date, that "she's not ready after all." Out of courtesy, he then becomes duty bound to offer to pay for the date, make it a nice evening, if only to make good on his word -- but he'll chalk it down to a waste. Crowbarring someone into a position where he can hardly say No, then coming on eNA and getting a lot of support from others who also see nothing wrong in having a good time on someone else's dime: doesn't strike me as a great way of doing things.

[FirstLove1607308205]

I am so sorry for you and whatever bad experiences you have with women that make you feel this way. But ^^^that's not what happened at all. I told him about my situation BEFORE we went out for lunch and I CLEARLY offered to pay. HE asked that I just try going, & I agreed not knowing how I would react. But I don't really have to explain myself...I don't know who you are, but I hope your browbeating made you feel good/better even if just for a moment...and I totally respect your opinion. I hope you find happiness.

[FirstLove1607308205]

Wow, icarus--bitter much?

 

She told him up front she wasn't sure if she was ready AND she offered to pay for the meal.

 

What do you suggest she do? Crawl in a hole and wait until the breakup fairy taps her on the shoulder and says, "Ok, you are ready to date now! Have at it!"

 

I see nothing wrong with her attempting to move on with her life.

 

Thank you Bella, for your encouragement on my "somewhat unsuccessful" attempt. He just sent me the nicest message essentially saying: "Maybe i'm here to help u get over your past, or ur here to help me get over over mine. Either way you're worth the wait and i understand." that's one of the nicest things I have ever heard any male say.

[icarus27]

> HE asked that I just try going, & I agreed not knowing how I would react

 

That's the tell-tale right there. If I was in his shoes, I would think exactly the same thing. "I've been put in an impossible position: back down, and I appear churlish, go ahead with the date, and she is not over her ex yet." So yes, that is what any gentleman would do.

[FirstLove1607308205]

> HE asked that I just try going, & I agreed not knowing how I would react

 

That's the tell-tale right there. If I was in his shoes, I would think exactly the same thing. "I've been put in an impossible position: back down, and I appear churlish, go ahead with the date, and she is not over her ex yet." So yes, that is what any gentleman would do.

 

Ehh...that was a week ago-At the same time he asked me out, not today. So your analysis does not hold up. Thanks for your comment.

[JBaker]

I don't see a problem with dating around at all - even if she is not ready. Going on several dates is one way to help speed up the process of healing. Why not do it? Going on dates with someone inherently takes on the risk that you will waste your time and money on someone who decides that they are not interested. Going on a date with a man and letting him pay for it does not put any obligations on her.

 

Sometimes the only way to find out that you are not quite ready to date is to actually go on one. Conversely, sometimes the only way to find out that you are ready to date is to actually go on one.

[adviseseeker]

What is the big deal that he paid for lunch?? Whoopdy-doo the guy shelled out what, 20 bucks? And he got to go out with a nice girl who was honest about things from the beginning, oh poor him... He could have not pursued her if her feelings for her ex really bothered him that much, and if it was only his 'honorable duty' to pay for it even when she offered then that's his problem not hers.

 

To say that she used him for a meal is ridiculous! If it was really breaking the bank for him to take her out then he shouldn't have asked her out in the first place. He is lucky that he got to go out with her and knows it.

 

Maybe men shouldn't ask women out on dates if it bothers them so much to spend a little money not knowing if it will lead to a relationship or not.

[Belle28]

Thank you Bella, for your encouragement on my "somewhat unsuccessful" attempt. He just sent me the nicest message essentially saying: "Maybe i'm here to help u get over your past, or ur here to help me get over over mine. Either way you're worth the wait and i understand." that's one of the nicest things I have ever heard any male say.

 

Hmmmm, doesn't sound like he's too bitter about being "crowbarred" into having a nice meal with an awesome girl.

 

He sounds like a good guy, First&Love. A friend of mine told a guy she wasn't ready to date after a bad breakup. He immediately backed off and gave her some time. A few months later, she gave him another chance and now they're happily together.

 

You think you're not ready to date yet, but admit that it's nice to know there are guys out there who think you're a great catch!

[Shnoodle]

I see no problem dating a little bit to get yourself out there once you are a little more comfortable. Sure, you aren't ready for anything serious, but you get to meet and get to know new people.

 

You may meet someone you like and connect with, and further down the road when you are ready, build something with. Any guy who seriously pursues you will have to be patient and understanding of your situation.

[FirstLove1607308205]

Thanks so much for the encouragement everyone. It IS so hard to get back out there. Belle, you're right...it IS nice to know someone thinks I'm a great catch! lol. But I'm def not ready. I see that clear as day now. I have to find other ways to help me cope. JBaker, you're right too! DATING period is a risky business. Basically, you're investing with the thought that something may blossom. But truthfully, it may or it may not...there ARE NO GUARANTEES! Adviseseeker/Schnoodle thanks you guys so much for defending me...(& the right to try to move on). I hope that somehow this post helps other people. Meanwhile I'm just going to try dealing with the "pings" my ex is doling out until I reach the point where I just don't care anymore. I just suck so badly at moving on!

[guiltyflood]

Well, nobody "sucks badly" at moving on. It's all dealing with emotions, which can be impossible to control at times. I agree with one of the above posters that actually going on a date is a big step in the right direction, since you learned a ton about yourself and showed a willingness to step forward, all as long as you're being honest with your date about your state of mind.

 

You're getting there!!!