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So guess what guys, it was a ping! What now?


Diagonal

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So it turns out her texting me about puting some money in my account was a ping, like a lot of people said!

 

I wasn't 100% convinced, but now she has text back asking if she could come and pick up a bookshelf I said she could have it!

 

Now it's got mutliple shelves and required me to dismantle it and when she came for the rest of her stuff, we just didn't have the time or space in our cars to do it.

 

Argggh! I said she could have it and she said she needs it as she's got a lot of books and stuff that need unpacking in her new tiny appartment - BUT we're in NC.

 

I really don't know what to do! She want's to come round tonight and I'm gonna be out, so it definitely can't happen tonight, but I need to respond one way or the other.

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Ha Ha...didnt I tell you? If you are planning on responding you had to think 10 steps ahead?

 

Keep it to LC - strictly business.

 

IMO, it doesnt seem to be a ping. I think its a ping if she had replied with "So How have you been?" or "Whats new with you?" She seems to be keeping it strictly business herself.

 

Your best bet is to respond here especially since you said she can take the shelf. But again, keep it professional. No personal chit chat. If she says "Oh, where are you going tonight", ignore it. If she says "How about tomorrow at 6pm" reply.

 

Good luck

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Thanks for the advice ibroken.

 

So I replied saying she could come round but not tonight or tomorrow as I'm busy/out (which I am) and I'm free at the weekend if she wants to pop round. Kept it to the point and on my terms.

 

It'll be interesting to see what she says, as I really don't think she needs the bookshelf that much. Ok it'll be nice to have but come on it's not like a spare key or book for school or something she actually needs.

 

If she replies back to arrange something over the weekend then great, I'll dismantle it and have it ready, if she doesn't reply then I know it wasn't about the bookshelf. Why? As she did this before a few weeks ago. Business at first, then can I see you the next as she was struggling with the withdrawal of her meds.

 

I guess we'll see.... I'm probably thinking too much into it all hahaha, oh well that's what break-ups make you do, give me a break!

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It is acceptable to break NC when there is unfinished legal business or property to exchange. Actually, you are not really breaking NC because you aren't having a long drawn out conversation - its all business. I think another idea is to have a friend be there with you - or have a friend be there instead of you. Have the book case all ready to go and just have the other person meet her. That way if you/she does make contact again in the future you are more healed and also insure that this is just not a ploy to see how you are

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Rememeber you are trying to treat her like you would a friend or co-worker (not someone super close but someone you know). So what if you told a co-worker they could have the shelf?....Yes...you're on the right track. Tell her she can have it but you're busy tonight and suggest a time that works for you and then just have it ready to go, and keep it to the business at hand.

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So, she didn't reply to my ex text, but I offered her the opportunity to drop by over the weekend (despite her working Saturday and Sunday), so it's up to her now.

 

I really don't know how to handle it though when she eventually does come round.

 

I think I've done really well this week and I've done 4 days NC now. Each day I feel more positive about the person I am and the person I'm working on and I kinda know that seeing her will bring up some of the emotion I'm trying to get over.

 

On top of that I've realized for a fact that the bookshelf won't fit in her car, but I can't tell her that as she thinks it will and it'll just cause conflict. I'm letting her make her own mistakes now, so I know that her picking up the shelves won't be a straight forward thing...

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IMO, it doesnt seem to be a ping. I think its a ping if she had replied with "So How have you been?" or "Whats new with you?" She seems to be keeping it strictly business herself.

I would agree. Brief and isolated text messages (of all things) count for almost nothing, especially then they're about practical considerations. If she called (that is, with a phone, using her actual voice) and chatted for an hour, then that might constitute something. But a couple text messages? I'd read nothing into that other than she has use for the bookshelf.

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I think it's more than that and here's why. You guys were in LC and she told you flat out she needed space and time to herself, with no contact whatsoever, to sort out her feelings. Now she's the one initiating these little texts over nothing. If she really needed to be away from you, she'd stack her books on the floor for a while. She's using these excuses to send you messages, and she's sending you messages to see how you're gonna respond. I don't think it's wise to overanalyze everything, but in this situation, your responses do matter so it's worth considering how to handle it.

 

As far as how to act when she comes over (and she will), I'd try to keep two frames of mind. One is that you have no expectations for the visit except that you're handing over the bookcase. So if she comes by and is all business, you're gonna be all business too, but in a friendly way---no resentment. The second is that you have an open mind so that if she hangs around or starts saying other things, you can show her that you welcome the contact (if you do---I think that's what you want, right?).

 

It's a little like coaxing a squirrel over to your porch. If the squirrel runs back up the tree, chasing it will only make it climb higher. So, best to let it go. But if the squirrel runs over to your sidewalk, you might want to have a handful of peanuts.

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I think another idea is to have a friend be there with you - or have a friend be there instead of you. Have the book case all ready to go and just have the other person meet her. That way if you/she does make contact again in the future you are more healed and also insure that this is just not a ploy to see how you are

 

Best idea!

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Thanks CoolChick, brilliant as ever

 

I think like you said "If she really needed to be away from you, she'd stack her books on the floor for a while."

 

Exactly! She's got space in her room but she's a proud and stubborn person, so she would rather struggle than reach out, so that's why I think she is kinda reaching out.

 

I could understand if we were in LC but come on 3-4 days after asking for space, it's too soon imo.

 

Well I guess we'll see how it goes. No reply yet but I'll leave it to her.

 

I think I'll treat her like a squirral if she comes over go with the flow in either direction!

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Diagonal... I'm really impressed with the handle u have over this.

It's terrible to u go up and down especially when their confused.

I would just be polite like someone said it's just a business text but the way you reply is what counts and matters. You are really doing very well I've tried toadapt your approach to my situation but I think mine is finally doomed.

 

I will still follow your threads because I want to see the outcome

good luck my friend and stay cool

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I would agree. Brief and isolated text messages (of all things) count for almost nothing, especially then they're about practical considerations. If she called (that is, with a phone, using her actual voice) and chatted for an hour, then that might constitute something. But a couple text messages? I'd read nothing into that other than she has use for the bookshelf.

 

I'd like to agree with this, but most people nowadays will opt for the text message over a phone call, that's what technology has done - turned most into people without backbones... and I'll give the reasons why.

 

1 - It's "safer." - meaning not intrusive or committal. You don't even have to answer.

2 - Engaging in a text conversation means there's no need/reason to answer right away - you can take time to come up with a perfect response, not an honest response that you would have to give by phone in a matter of seconds.

 

Now, I'm of the opinion that texting in such situations as ours sucks, but what can I do about it? hehe. I mean I can control me and call instead of text, but if I were to hear from my ex, It'd unquestionably be via text since she is somewhat timid/non-confrontational.

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I'd like to agree with this, but most people nowadays will opt for the text message over a phone call, that's what technology has done - turned most into people without backbones... and I'll give the reasons why.

 

1 - It's "safer." - meaning not intrusive or committal. You don't even have to answer.

2 - Engaging in a text conversation means there's no need/reason to answer right away - you can take time to come up with a perfect response, not an honest response that you would have to give by phone in a matter of seconds.

 

Now, I'm of the opinion that texting in such situations as ours sucks, but what can I do about it? hehe. I mean I can control me and call instead of text, but if I were to hear from my ex, It'd unquestionably be via text since she is somewhat timid/non-confrontational.

I'm not disputing that the "text option" may be irresistible to some people (with or without spines), but that wasn't the crux of my point (nor iBroken's). His observation, which I agreed with, was that, regardless of the medium, her communications lack substance, at least so far. Until she shows a little more interest -- something along the lines of "How ya been? What's up in your life these days? -- there's not enough evidence to infer a "social ping" from her behavior.

 

My ex called me last June about a car problem she was having, and everyone assumed it was some sort of inquiry on her part. Wrong. She had a car problem, and I was always the car guy, and, it turns out, that's all there was to it.

 

Let's not underestimate the potential for innocent practicality.

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So I just got a text from her asking "you OK?" and if she could drop by next weekend to pick up a few bits she'd left at mine.

 

I text back saying sure, so I guess we'll see how it goes. I feel less desperate to get her back actually. I would still 100% get back with her in a second but I feel like the world won't end if it doesn't happen.

 

I think I'm actually healing and moving on, which I think is the best place for me to be in if I want to get her back or if I want to actually move on without her.

 

Either way, it feels positive.

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See! A couple days of NIC and she's already wondering if you're ok. You are most definitely on her mind....but what's better is that you are feeling better about where you are. Desparation is an ugly thing...doesn't it feel good to let go of that?

 

Good for you Diagonal!

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