*updated* Gosh .. you guys. I finally did it .. but..

[NightLily]

Okay. I'll give you guys an over view of my relationship with my ex. We dated for nearly 3 years. He was my first boyfriend and I was his second girlfriend. In the beginning of the relationship, he was always talking about his ex and it made me somewhat nervous.. later, he broke up with me saying that things weren't working. Well, he in fact was trying to get his ex back and had told her that he loved her while we were dating. Lies. Obviously, this hurt an incredible amount because he always reasured me (or lied to me) that he didn't want her back. Things didn't work out with them. This sent him into a ton of emotional turmoil, and he expected me to pick up the pieces. Being the martyr that I am, I put my tears and broken heart aside and listened to hours of how he missed her and how miserable he was.. when he SHOULD have been miserable.. over our breakup. Or at least.. somewhat remourseful?

 

Our relationship slowly started to recover but I didn't ever regain total faith in him I guess. He "cleaned up his act" and started trying to win me back. In my gut, I told myself that I shouldn't take him back.. but.. eventually, I did. Yes I know this was stupid. Anyways, we started dating again and I told myself that he couldn't possibly do the same thing to me again. But, he became friends with a girl and always again, reassured me that he was only friends with her. Well, one day she broke up with her boyfriend. A few days following, he dumped me. AND he started pursuing her right away. When he found out that a guy had his arm around me at a party, he told me that they had had sex thirteen times in a week since we broke up. The day we broke up. This put me into a state of complete and utter shock. He later told me he was lying and they really hadn't. But what can I trust?? -_-.. Anyways, again things weren't working well, and he wanted me to pick up the pieces. He would try to pursue me when things didn't go well and he described to me how she kissed him (ouch!).

 

Now, we haven't been talking very often at all. He says that he cares blah blah and always tried to jusity his actions. Hurting the one person that loyaly, faithfully, stuck beside him for 3 years. *shakes her head*.. Last night, I told him I needed the relationship to end. I don't trust him at all and I have lost all respect for him. I regain my strength when I don't see him and then I talk to him and everything is worse again. Well, he didn't even give me the time of day to say good bye. (it is long distance) He left before giving me the chance to say good bye forever. .. Well, I did my "rounds" and made sure he had no way of contacting me etc.. So I can heal completely with out worrying about him trying to weasle his way back into my life again.

 

It really hurts that he left with out letting me even say good bye. I desperatly want to contact him and not go through with it, but.. at the same time I know that I should stick with this. I'm torn. And, I don't know if I am doing the right thing. Please, somebody either reassure me on this.. or stop me?

 

Hurt and lonely,

SuzyQ

[JonnyG]

The guys an idiot. Let him go, find yourself a top man. Gl.

[lisaria]

Hey SuzyQ,

I have to agree with JonnyG. The guy sounds like an idiot. You need to let this a@@ go and quit worrying about saying good bye to him. Or are you hoping that by that final contact he'll realize what a heel he's been and confess his undying love for you? Honey, it's not going to happen. But if by some off chance it were to happen how could you ever ever trust him? He lies. He cheats. He's scum. Leave him in the past and work on you.

Don't even think about him. why waste your energy? Find stuff to keep you busy. Hang out with your friends. Find something that you've always wanted to do and do it. Intereseted in anything new? If not, find something. It's hard at first because he is all you think about.

But definitely NO CONTACT. You said that you regain your strenth until you talk to him and then you feel worse. Don't talk to him. Don't let him hurt you agian and again. You are worth more than that. We all deserve respect and love and loyalty. He can't give that to you, maybe not to anybody, but that is HIS problem. Not Yours. Not anymore. The only problem you have to worry about now is getting through this one day at a time. And you will get through it. It may not seem like it now, and you may want to talk to him so bad that it's a physical ache but you will not do it. You know why? Because you know deep down that you don't want to hurt anymore. That you are better than that. That you want better than that. He is not worth it. Don't give him anymore of you.

I really hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. Anytime you need to vent, we are here for you.

lisaria

[NightLily]

Thanks for the help you guys. I guess it really does look like he is completely what both of you said but I just have the hardest time accepting that. I trusted him completely fo the longest time and to turn around one day and suddenly see him as a completely different person really isn't the easiest thing to do. Also, to lisaria, it really isn't that I want him to .. profess his "undying" love to me or something.. I really don't think I would ever take him back no matter what. I don't know what I really want I guess. I always saw things as me and him--"us." And all of a sudden there is no us.. there is just me. It kind of feels like.. having your imbilical cord chopped I guess. Feels sort of like a part of you dies. I just.. god.. my heart just hurts.

 

He said he.. "can't control how he feels." Over his "feelings" for this other girl. Can he really not? Does that excuse in any way what he did to me? .. I'll just live by this mantra for today: "Avoid him, avoid him, avoid him"

 

Thanks guys,

SuzyQ

[amaranth_04]

I agree wholeheartedly with lisaria and jonnyg. Í'm pretty sure he won't even give you a proper farewell if you were to meet him once more. He won't give you a reasonable explanation, if any, about his treatment of you while you stood by him. He won't be able to justify why he did what he did. All you need to know about him has been shown to you and a break-up is most appropriate. He can't offer you what you want, basically 'cos he doesn't seem to know what he wants. You are much better off w/o him.

 

Don't give in to the urge to call him. You'd be calling for some sort of recognition from him for your investment in him, but you won't get it. And you will be sorely disappointed again. Don't give him the power of being the only one to end things; that if he said a proper goodbye to you only then would it officially over. That's not the case. You have the right to end it the way you please, saying ''enough is enough'' in your mind will do just as well. Don't let him control the way you should feel, he will only make it the way that's suited to him. He has not done anything the proper way so you need not bother about such things where he's concerned.

 

In fact, leave him to get on with his life. Just focus on yourself and the best way you can get past this. Try keeping just one phone in your house if you've got more, and when you feel the urge to pick up and dial, walk away and go do something else in another part of your house. Stuff like that. Step outside for a walk instead. Do something til the urge passes, then remind yourself why it's a good idea not to call. The more you keep at staying away, the easier you will find it to resist the next urge to call, til it lessens and goes away.

 

Stopping contact with him is the best approach for you. Or you just may find yourself back to his side, standing by him faithfully while he takes your emotions for a ride with another girl.

[NightLily]

Thank you for your post amarath. Some of what you said is quite true and makes a lot of sense.. for instance:

You'd be calling for some sort of recognition from him for your investment in him, but you won't get it. And you will be sorely disappointed again

 

That in many ways, is completely on. I invested so much in him and it just went nowhere. I guess in ways I am an idealist and naive perhaps. Believing in the fairytale of true love and how I will somehow end up with this great guy and have the white picket fence and 2.4 kids. Heh. To me, it just seems to .. intangible that he could suddenly become this .. "ugly." And about him doing things the proper way. That is part of what annoys me so much! Why, because he acts as if he DID and I'm just some annoying *$%*## ex or something like that. (He has called me that..)

 

I just don't understand how people can treat each other like he has treated me.. and I just.. don't understand how he even lives with himself or jusifies how he acts. I guess even Hitler could justify his actions though.. (did I just compare him to Hitler?? O.o)

 

I need to find a way for seeing him as all of you do.. logicaly, I would agree totally.. but I just.. can't. *sigh*...

 

now my mood is..

All those times he said he loved me.. I trusted him. I trusted him with my heart.. he said that he TRIED TO BE GENTLE? HUH? ... maybe he was gentle. Was he? AHG.

 

....

SuzyQ

[lisaria]

Hey SuzyQ,

That's one thing we will never know the reason for:

I just don't understand how people can treat each other like he has treated me.. and I just.. don't understand how he even lives with himself or jusifies how he acts.

I do not understand how someone whom you love with all your heart, stand by them through all kinds of bullcrap. Problems with their exes, their kids, their job, stuff that they don't mind b#$ching about, just don't do too much about yours. You are there trying to make their lives better for them. You're there for them through it all. You're there for them because you CARE and want to be. And they promise things. Like the kind of life you're going to have together. The stuff they're going to do. Like be there forever. Please.

But then the headgames start and it's like "Who are you? Where did the guy I fell in love with go?" It's a person you don't know, their evil twin and you keep waiting for the one you fell in love with to come back. But they don't and it just gets worse. You can't do anything right and they won't tell you what's wrong. Not what's REALLY wrong. And then they just take off and you're left picking up the pieces of a shattered life. And I'm not being melodramatic here, it is shattered. So you go through one day after the other wondering what went wrong. Why did they do that? Nah, we'll never know. And after a while it's not quite as important knowing why as knowing that we got through it. All the hurt that they don't feel, that they forced on us, we got past it. And the good thing? Karma baby. They get what they give. Oh yeah. I believe that.

Anyway SuzyQ, I'm still trying to figure that one out. If anybody has the answers let us know.

lisaria

[NightLily]

Lisaria.. don't we all wish we knew the answer to that? I have this feeling I may never know, and that kills me.

 

But.. on the good side... I think, I haven't talked to him yet. I have yet to cave in if I ever do. And.. I know it hasn't been that long really, but I am hoping this first few weeks will be the hardest. I have no idea if they will be or not. We'll see I guess. Right now I have just sort of.. decided that for some reason he doesn't care and for some reason.. he isn't a very good person or something. I think maybe he has no moral strandards what so ever.. and that maybe.. all he cares about is himself. And I just try to tell myself that it is his loss and that I want nothing to do with that. And that.. he'll end up with some.. I don't know.

 

All of the promises.. they just seem to.. rule your life one minute and then the next, they are completely dead. At first, they are the roots of your foundation and the next you are left with the wind out of you and unsure .. I didn't like that feeling at all. I just try to keep telling myself that.. my future is wide open and that there are tons of great guys out there.. and.. one day I'll have one of them. Sometimes.. I just feel so abandoned. I know that I was the one that left for good.. but.. I only did that because he really left me no choice. And.. it seems like.. the further I get away from him the more I dislike him. The more I see how.. horrible he is and how horrible he was to me. But.. I still feel lonley regardless.

 

I guess I needed to vent a little.. to keep me away for another day.

*looks down*

SuzyQ

[NightLily]

Okay.. today I caved in you guys. I talked to him. .. Well he more contacted me and I responded and I.. what do I do...???? gosh.. Itold myself I wouldn't and now I feel so... stupid..

[amaranth_04]

Did you use this opportunity for a ''proper'' goodbye ?

[NightLily]

No.. he made me feel like crap and again didn't give me a chance to say good bye. .. Do you guys think I should try talking to him again and saying like .. "here are the rules for us to talk, we either follow them or we don't talk." And seeing if he can? I am starting to not care for him nearly as much.. *sneeze* I am getting sick. I just, it is so hard.. gosh..

 

-SuzyQ

[amaranth_04]

What was his purpose in calling.. just to make you feel horrible..?

 

Do you guys think I should try talking to him again and saying like .. "here are the rules for us to talk, we either follow them or we don't talk." And seeing if he can?

 

I think you will be the one losing out by allowing him an opportunity for contact. The reason you don't care for him as much now is most likely because of no-contact. You've been able to step further away from the situation and take it for what it is, look at him for who he is, and you don't really like what you're seeing.

 

Don't worry about giving in to contact this time. He has just reinforced why you're better off w/o him, so use that to steer yourself away from him.

 

I don't think you're ready even for minimal contact. You're still very affected by what he says and does. The time will come when you will be able to say ''whatever'' and turn and walk away from him when he's in mid-sentence, but by then quite likely you wouldn't feel like hearing him talk at all.

 

Keep going.

[Luv_4_Life]

SuzyQ,

 

I think you should stay focused on healing yourself...saying goodbye to him would only give him the opportunity to communicate with you and distract you all over again. I say leave well enough alone. You will find someone that is going to love and appreciate you, it is obvious that he didn't and most importanly he did not have any respect for you all relationship. Time heals all wounds.

 

If you need someone to talk to PM me anytime. Goodluck

[NightLily]

Thanks for your replies you guys.. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this. .. it just sort of.. hurts to remind myself about.

 

The reason you don't care for him as much now is most likely because of no-contact.

 

I think that may be partly true.. but also I have this horrible distaste for him. I see him as this untrustworthy.. well.. to put it bluntly, in my eyes, he definitely isn't what I would consider a quality man. I have lost interest in prospects of ever being with him again because I guess he doesn't really fit my standards at all. But, even though I realize this now.. the pain of being lied to, cheated on, left for other women, backstabbed, emotionally abused.. the list goes on.. it still does hurt. Is that normal? Maybe I'm just sort of.. mad at him. Well not that.. more.. I dislike him.

You will find someone that is going to love and appreciate you

 

And .. Luv_4_Life.. I am confident that one day I will. I think I deserve to be with a good man like that.. But, it is still hard to go through the lonely times knowing that most likley my ex is living it up while he leaves me in shambles. I guess in ways I'm glad he is out of my life. My emotions seem to be getting steadier and I don't have to deal with all of his drama. He really wasn't a good boyfriend at all and I feel so .. stupid for being blind enough to ever think he was. I mean, honestly, what was I thinking?? -_-

 

And also Luv_4_Life, has something come of your situation with your love interest? If so, fill me in!

 

-SuzyQ