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Where do I start


ElChup

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Ok, so as of Monday this week the ex and I decided to give it another shot, albeit at the dating stage.

 

I've never been in this situation before. Anyone have any pointers? I was the dumpee and recognise that certain actions need to be righted. But otherwise how does one start afresh?

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You both have to make sure that old issues are, indeed, righted or at least laid to rest. Also if there has been any new relationships formed during the break you will need to be able to move on from these. You need to be able to look at the relationship as completely new and put everything that happened in the past (in whatever way possible) behind you so you can move forward afresh.

 

Oh, and congragulations!!

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I think you need to take stock of what led the breakup the first time around both on your end and hers.

 

Also, even though she was the dumper and probably hurt you by doing that, you need to remember that its on both of you to make it work and give it another real shot. Dont place it all on her to make up for the hurt she sent your way by breaking up with you and dont let her place it all on you for whatever faults she perceived that led the breakup.

 

Also, I would try and take things slow, redefine the relationship, so that you dont fall right back in where you left off, because when you left off, things were broken.

 

Good luck!!

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That's great! Best of luck to you!

 

My advice would be to keep your expectations low for a while. It takes time to rebuild trust, so be prepared for a long period of ambiguity. There will likely be mood swings, hot and cold stuff, etc. It doesn't mean it's not going well, so don't freak out if that happens. There may be times when you'd like an explicit statement about where things stand, but resist the urge. It will come accross as pressure. IMO, if you have to ask that question, you probably already know the answer (and it isn't good).

 

Also, try not to focus on the past. I agree that it's good to understand what happened and try to change your own problem behaviors if you can, but don't let past hurts poison your time together. As far as processing the break-up, I wouldn't plan to have some big talk. If you guys need to talk about things, it'll come up here and there naturally. Keep your eyes on what's happening right now and the road ahead.

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You can start by giving some more details on how this happened. One of your last threads said you didn't think you two would ever get back together. What changed?

 

I decided to take charge.

 

She always wanted me to be a strong man (in the emotional sense) and show drive and positivity. I had lost that in recent years. I had actually decalred NC, which I only happened to break when I found out she has been the victim of a burglary in the home we used to share. However, a chance comment from me at that time unleashed a load of emotions from her which made it clear she still have love for me. I had not begged to stay with her at any point. But I decided enough was enough, if you want something in life you have to go get it. I phoned her, was confident and in control, and basically told her we had put too much into each other to not at least give it another shot. She turned it down........but then sent me a text the next morning to change her mind! Anyhow, when we met on Monday it was so clear how much she has missed me and is eager for it to work again.

 

My stopped feeling sorry for myself and took control of my life. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. At least I can say I tried.

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