Not sure which road to take

[GTP]

Ok, well here it goes. My Ex and I were in a long distance relationship and we would see each other for a couple weeks every month or two. I met her while she was an international student going to school in the same city I live in. Her Visa was just getting up and she had to go back to her country. There was lots of attraction there but we just kept it on a "friendly" level since she was leaving. Well over the course of the next 4 months we talked everyday for AT LEAST 12 hours a day via phone, email, and chat. We could seriously not get enough of each other. Looking back I have no idea how I even functioned with work FT, school and going to the gym! We were soooo incredibly attracted to each other. I went to visit her and her family in Feb 09 and knew I had to make this girl my GF because I was sooo attracted to her personality and she was beautiful too. We talked and even until the last day we broke up....said to each other that we thought we would be together forever. She said she had never loved someone like she had loved me and the same thing goes for me. We were head over heels in love with each other. She loved how my confidence was through the roof. I had always trusted her fully even though she was a big flirt because she was a beautiful girl and got lots of attention and loved it. I won't go into details but after a while she was doing things that was killing my trust, my confidence, and I always felt like I then had to watch her and became insecure and jealous. Rigthfully so too!!! it only happened when she came to visit me here in the US and never when I went to see her. I truly and honestly believe that she doesn't mean harm by it but she just doesn't use her head and think sometimes. Her actions was killing my confidence and it showed in everything I did. I couldn't have fun and do some of the things I used to do with her....like joking around, etc We talked every day but you could tell all the jealousy and insecurity was taking a toll on the relationship. Things were always great when I went to see her and for the most part when she came to see me. Our sex life died in July 09 and never really picked back up, we did everything but it. She had always told me she didn't really like sex even before we had sex so I dunno. We broke up for good in Nov 09 when she was here to see me and she stayed with a friend (later her friends told me she stayed with a guy she met & a friend at the guys house) She wanted me to come spend Xmas 09 with her and her family so I did. Things were not that great at first and me and her brother ended up talking for a bit. He was telling me ALL kinds of very deep and personal information about himself that he would never want his conservative family to know. He asked me to tell him what happened between us (problems) and promised he wouldn't say a word to them and he would offer me advice and as I have done that with other GF's brothers I proceeded to tell him. He told his parents everything I told them and they thought the worst of her. Her parents who always said I was the best BF she had ever had and said how much they loved me now hate my guts and will not talk to me. They think its horrible how I would tell the family bad things about her and to be honest I don't think they believe anything he told her otherwise they probably wouldn't hate me like they do. Everyone was still in good terms in Jan 10 when her friends told me that she stayed with a guy when she wasn't with me. I called the guy and he admitted to her staying with him and I asked him what happened and all he said they did was kiss. She has always been a very reserved and conservative girl but my mind cannot think anything but the worst because I have never had a girl stay in my bed and nothing more than a kiss happen. This was after only 12 hours of being broken up. Who know's if that is all that happened but she said she was disappointed in me because I had gotten so jealous the night before which is nooo excuse. I ended up in jail because I walked into a bar when she was out with her girls but was by herself flirting with all kinds of guys and I started a fight. She lied to me saying she stayed with a friend and when I called to confront her about it she wouldnt' tell me what happened until she talked to him. I was soooo angry, hurt, and disappointed that I told her brother what she had done because at that point I didn't care. I wasn't the most innocent either because ONCE I found out what she had done I went and hooked up with a girl that wanted me for a while. The entire relationship I was completely faithful. After I told her brother, her family didn't ever want her talking to me again, her brother told her she shouldn't be with me, and she told me that she couldn't talk to me anymore because her family didn't want her talking to me. She told me that staying with that guy was not ok but at that point because of my jealousy and insecurities she found other people more attractive. She said she still loves me and thought she would be with me forever. Her family means the world to her and doesn't want her talking to me, her brother doesn't want her with me, and because of it all....she doesn't want to talk to me. I do love this girl and want to be with her. She has contacted me once in 1.5 months and it was going good until things about the past came up. She says I always bring it up to hurt her and that she is soooo sorry for it and if she could change it she would. I want to be with this girl but the only reason why she won't talk to me is her family now. I have done my wrongs too and accept it and want to stop pointing fingers and just work on us now but she said she didn't want to talk to me right now.

 

So do I wait and let her contact me? Do I write her and tell her how I feel? What do I do? How do I get the attraction back? What route do I take? I'm just worried that if I wait she will fall out of love.

 

I wanted to go there in March to work things out but obviously that won't be happening if we are not talking. She was going to move here at one point to be with me and I think still might be moving here. Things are amazing when we are together but since I don't know when I will see her or if I will I have no way of sitting down with her and talking things out, creating the attracting on a physical and emotional level and when we talk online the same spark is not there because of all the stress that we have been through now. Sorry its so long and thanks for the advice!!!

[Scarlet 1]

Well First of all I think that you should sit down and think very hard if this is what you want. She has lied to you before and you will always wonder whether or not she is lying again espesially because you have a LDR.

 

Also think if you can be with someone that flirts with other people. Think what you want first. You can make a list of all the positive and negative things. Once you decided what you want to do you must commit to that decision. If you decide you want her back then never bring up the past again, if you feel like you want to just stop yourself. But this is where the commitment and what you want are going to come in, if you are not sure you want to be with her you will bring up the past to try and hurt her the way she hurt you.

 

It will feel heavy between you two but if you really make an effort to get things back to the way they were you will get your relationship back. As for her parents, they are a big part of her life so once you sorted things out with her I am sure she will appreciate it if you go to her and win her parents trust back.

 

Like I said this will be hard work so you need to be sure that this is what you want!

 

Good luck!!

[GTP]

Thank you for the reply! I've thought long and hard already about it and want to make it work with her. I am just not sure if she is over it since she does not want to talk to me right now but told me she still loves me. I know telling someone how you feel when broken up can push them away and kill attraction (which has already happened) and I don't want to kill any more of it. Should I just wait for her to come to me? or should I tell her how I feel?

 

and I KNOW this is what I want!! =) Been thinking about it for a while now.

[Scarlet 1]

Well I'd say you should tell her that you still love her and that you want to make the relationship work and that you will do the necessary 'work' like winning her parent's trust back. Don't go over board and write a novel, just tell her the above, in your words, and ask her to think about it if she still wants to be with you and let you know. If she lets you know then you have to keep your promise and if she doesn't then you also have your answer and then I guess you have to move on.

 

You can't force her to take you back, you can only tell her how you feel and then from there on you have to wait and see what she wants.

 

Good luck

[GTP]

You don't think by telling her how I feel will push her away and it being needy/desperate? That is my only worry! Think about how you may have been when your Ex was trying to get you back? I talked to some girls that are friends of mine and they said their Ex tried telling them those things and it only pushed them farther away and killed attraction for their Ex. That is my only worry about telling her how I feel is that I will push her away.

[GTP]

Should I delete her Facebook? For some reason it is hard as hell to do because I love the girl.