Does sex matter?

[1st timer]

I was given the "I need space" talk almost 3 months ago. We had a 3 year relationship. No fights or drama the entire time. People constantly commented on how great we were. The big issue was our lack of outside commitments. We each work fairly demanding jobs. During most of our free time, we were together. Usually Friday night through Monday morning

 

Since the break up, we have each taken on new adventures and have done some personal reflection. We have seen each other 3 times. Each time has been wonderful. Our energy feels like it did when we were a couple. She has made comments that lead one way, and then her actions go another. She has said things like she is excited about the future we have as couple but not now. She wants to see more of me, but when I sent her a text message 2 days later letting her know how wonderful her company is; she doesn't respond because she needed to take a break to reflect on the time we spent together.

 

The last time we spent time together, I told her I couldn't do it anymore. I felt she was keeping me around for some motive that was not clear. I felt she was getting some of the benefits without having any of the commitments. I felt it was unfair. Her response was that if we do not have any contact, we may grow apart. Sort of like friends who haven't seen each other in years and no longer have anything in common. In my moment of weakness, I told she was right and that I would be open to continued contact. I had made up my mind that she would have to do all the contacting. I could not be subjected to her not responding. I did not share this commitment with her, but I am sticking to it.

 

She has called a few times since the last time we were together. Each time telling me that she loves me at the end of the conversation. The first time I did not respond to it. She later told me that it hurt her feelings when I did not reciprocate. I told her later that I do indeed love her.

 

Let me get to the point:

 

In this gender specific role, is the no contact rule the same for each side? In other words, is she waiting for me to call because that is my role as the male? Will she call if she misses me?

 

Is it reasonable to expect her to keep calling if I never initiate the contact?

 

I don't want to pin her down, but I would like some sign that she is calling me because she does miss me. What are some of the clues I should look for?

 

What does she mean when she says that she loves me? Is it out of habit? Should I ask her to clarify? Would that sound pathetic?

 

Please help

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

When there are too many thoughts in there, you stop seeing clearly through. What matters the most is your instinct and what you want.

 

You worry about what she might think, feel, if you can trust when she says she loves you, etc.

 

Trust her and trust yourself.

 

If she says she loves you, trust her with that. It means exactly what she says. And yes she might say it because she is used saying it to you.

 

Should you call her or not? The question is rather: do you want to call her or not. If you call her, what do you feel like saying?

 

In a situation like the one you face. It is quite healthy to keep the contact to once a week. She seems to "saturate" when it's more that that. So, give her the space she needs.

 

You both need fresh energy and inspiration. You'll get it from socialising, meeting new friends, etc.

 

If you exchange toomuch during this period you'll simply "asphixiate" what is left.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[Mun]

Hi there,

I was read your post and maybe I read it too fast but I missed the part about " sex." What was your question on that?

 

The problem we have in relationships is that too often we are in different places emotionally. One person is still feeling attracted while the other is thinking about the future. Try to stay on the same page as your love, if she is uncertain then you be uncertain too. If she is talking commitment then discuss it with her. Try not to jump too far ahead and start wondering how many guests you will have at the wedding while she is still trying to figure out where this is going. Take it slow. Relax. Don't think too much about it just do it !

 

Try not to be intimately involved when the other person is not committed to you. This will only hurt you in the long run.

 

Love

[DaisyB]

I think what 1st timer means by "sex" is gender. Does gender matter for NC? That's a good question, and one I've considered, too.

 

My ex did most of the calling, picking me up, arranging plans, etc. when we were in the relationship, because that's what he saw as the "male" role. I never had a problem with it. As it worked out, he was also the dumper, so I can easily put the "burden of contact" on him.

 

1st timer, what were your roles when you were dating? Did you do most of the calling, arranging dates, etc.? If so, did she seem to like that you did? In my experience (and yes, I was born and raised in the South, so I know it's different in other places) women like it when a man takes a more dominant role in the relationship -- pursuing and seducing her. Most women find that romantic.

 

I think if she's calling you, then she misses you. But I don't know what that means. She may miss you but still not want to get back together with you. Or more likely, she may miss you but still be confused about whether she wants to be together or not.

 

If it were me, I would try to talk to her about it. Tell her you want to make this work, and you want to still be in contact with her, but you can't do it with her lack of commitment. Then try your hardest to stick to it. My guess is that she WILL contact you if she misses you enough to want you back, regardless of the gender thing.

[1st timer]

You are right about the gender part. I did it to get more people to read my post!

 

Thanks for the input. Yes I did most of, but not all of, the planning and pursuing during the relationship. She called today to invite me to a show. I can't make it because it is on my dad's birthday. She seemed disappointed, but I could be reading into things. I called her later in the day to leave her a message about a play we have been meaning to see. The play is leaving L.A. in the next few weeks, and I am going to see it. She will be leaving out of town for work in a few days, so I told her that I could be flexible with when I see it if she is up to going. No response yet.