Am I obsessed?

[Spanishpet]

Here is the situation. I'm dating a man who is in the middle of a divorce and custody situation. It is causing a tremendous amount of stress on our relationship.

I am not asking what to DO - meaning, I don't need advice to leave the relationship until his divorce is over (conventional wisdom.)

 

My problem is that when I stew over the situation, I get snappy, neurotic and hard to be with. I lately have been telling him how badly I feel that we can't be rid of this divorce/custody situation - in other words, HOW BETTER CAN I BE A SUPPORT but still express my needs?

 

He is trying his best and the lawyers are doing what they can. But I feel horrible as I've been not as supportive lately as I was about 3 months ago. Tuesday I was told another 6 months of legal battling is on the horizon (its already been over 6 months) and we started to argue (again) and I provoked him to break up with me. (We are not going to do that though.)

 

How can I SHUT UP and be more supportive? How can I get past what I feel I need and let life simply take its course?

 

We love each other and I don't want to lose him. Any suggestions?

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

First of all, if you've never been through a divorce, you cannot imagine what kind of emotions and pain this man is feeling. Even if he hates her guts, it's still a time in one's life they will never, ever forget. Be sensitive to that. Think about it like this..... a part of him is dying. He is losing someone he once was in love with and pledged to spend the rest of his life with, plus the child custody issue. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean he still isn't hurting. Men express their pain in different ways. They withdraw, whereas we like to talk things out. I want to tell you to back way off during this time, because you might end up getting hurt anyway, and don't be surprised if he ends up telling you that he cannot deal with you right now. These types of relationships rarely work, and while I cannot say that yours won't, just don't be surprised if he becomes withdrawn. It's too much for him right now to deal with you and her and the kids. He's got himself into a mess and he's got to get through it, with or without you. You don't want to become more of a burden. And it's not fair to expect to have him 100% when he is still legally married. I understand that you have needs and that is perfectly fine, but if you feel those needs override his right now, then you really do need to get out of the relationship. Sharing pain and sorrow is part of being a couple. I don't know the circumstances of the relationship or the divorce, however, it will be a long, hard road, and you basically have two choices: you either accept him the way he is, he's not going to change.... or you move on with your life. You can't expect a picture perfect relationship with someone who is still unavailable. That was the problem from the beginning.

 

Good luck,

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I'll be direct with you, okay?

 

This divorce is about his life. It's not your life.

 

The risk with this type of situation, is to get more involved than you should.

 

Don't take responsibility for is situation. When you get involved, you try to influence the outcome of things which are mainly out of your hands anyway. You soon realize that you have little control. On the long term, it can immensely frustrate you and drain your energy.

 

You can be supportive as a friend. On the other hand when it comes to solve problems and situations related with his divorce, there are professionals for that. You are not his lawyer or his therapist. You are his lover and new partner.

 

Right now, you have a relationship with that man. The goal is to empower what you and him share by protecting and preserving the time you two spend together. In fact the time he spends with you could be used to clear his mind from all his court case rather than talking even more about it.

 

It's okay to be supportive. I don't think it's okay to let the space you spend together be invaded by his divorce situation, problems with his ex and so on.

 

There is a simple way to go, which is to stop talking about this when you are together. You can set a simple boundary about that. It's okay and I don't find it offensive from you side.

 

You can set special time aside if you two need to talk about his situation. For instance, you can say something like: "Look let's take a moment on Thursday evening to talk about it, right now, I want to enjoy the movie (or the sunset, or...)"

 

You feel you are betraying him if you put a boundary there? You are not. What you are doing is protecting the new and fresh relationship space you two are building.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[lisaria]

Hey Spanishpet,

I agree with Princess. You do need to back off a little bit. Even if the divorce was his idea, it still is a very painful time. Just be there for him. Find stuff to do to fill your time. Exercise is a great stress reliever and sex is great exercise. He would enjoy that too.

Find other stuff you're interested in. Get your mind off of him and his problems. How long have you been going out? Is it possible to just take a break for a while, until he is divorced? I know that would be really hard but the smartest thing to do. Most of the time the women who help the man through the divorce are dumped after they get those final papers. It's a transition relationship. It sucks, but that is the way it usually goes. I do not know if it would happen with yours and I hope it doesn't for your sake, but just in case....have a support group available. Take time for your friends now. Go out and have fun. Forget about him for awhile. We women let the men take over our lives when we are in relationships. We define ourselves by our relationships and for men it's just a little bonus in their lives. I always end up giving away my power when I fall in love and that is always the wrong thing to do. Take your power back Spanishpet and become the strong, confident, secure woman he fell in love with. If you don't things do not look well. If you are scared and worried try not to let him know it. It sounds like he does have alot on his plate right now and you really want to help him, I can tell by your post. It will take alot of willpower to change your thoughts on this, but we all make the choice to behave the way we do. You can change this. Turn it around girl, before it's too late.

I hope everything goes well for you.

lisaria

[Spanishpet]

And by the way, the 'gone' above sent a monster virus to my email.

 

Thanks for being direct, however the problem isn't him - its me! I want to know about the divorce and how its proceeding and here is where I get myself into trouble.

 

I KNOW I shouldn't get involved however i'm with him. Sometimes he naturally expresses how he's feeling - and I fall into therapist role and sometimes get hurt as he expresses his loss - I feel like second best not a second chance.

 

i'm trying to back way off like Princess suggested, but my track record so far in this is poor and he's getting annoyed with me. My recent neurotic behaviour is definitely making him reconsider me.

 

Is there any more advice how to calm down, focus on us and the relationship, and NOT get involved in the situation?

 

Thanks all

[lisaria]

What about meditation? Yoga? Running? Somthing physical?

Take a couple of deep breaths anytime you feel the questions or comments about it come up in your mind. Count to ten and think about what you're going to say and how it would sound to him. You've got to back off about this and obviously you know this or you wouldn't be up here asking, right?

Guys want us to appreciate them and look up to them like they are our knights in shining armor. They don't want us to point out things they SHOULD do. It makes them feel inadequate and that is death to a relationship. Think about that when you are with him. Find stuff about him you really like and tell him. Remember how you felt at first? Try to hang on to that. Good luck.

lisaria

[amaranth_04]

Hi,

 

Is there any more advice how to calm down, focus on us and the relationship, and NOT get involved in the situation?

 

vitalcoaching gave you a few pointers there. You just have to remind yourself how to approach it and stick with it, not much else to be done.

 

I agree with princess and lisaria that you need to back off. You want to know about the divorce, then you have to deal with hearing about it; you can't make him say only what you want to hear. If you don't want to hear it, then don't ask about it. He does have a lot to handle at the moment and he probably isn't too concerned thinking, ''am i saying the right thing to spanishpet, should I not have said this...'' etc. He's very consumed about sorting thru his divorce, so perhaps you're best off involving yourself in other activities to balance the current unbalance in attention.

[Spanishpet]

You know, its hard. When I should be counting to 10 or though stopping, I'm running my mind and mouth.

 

Mediation or yoga sounds smart.

 

Yes I'm here because I've added to his stress level, not dimished it and I can feel his withdrawal.

 

Backing off is hard. I need to find other activities and let him come to me. Easier said than done.

 

I needed to hear from you all to slap back into my mind - I'm going to lose him if I don't back off.

 

And bingo, pointing out what he should do is a deathknell. I don't really do that - but a few times pestering him about pace or our future - not good moves.

 

Count to ten.....listen to my words before speaking....better yet, I wish I could just shut up and not comment at all.

 

Instead I'll be gracious and loving, as you suggested. Talk about lighter, breezy subjects and let life fall in place.

 

I goofed up. Yes I'm here because the last few days we've been arguing and he's had it. He said he can't take me on top of all the stress. We are in 2 days cool off, but he's leery. I can tell. I'm now frantic to change the tide....treading water here.

 

Thanks

[lisaria]

Hang in there honey, and let us now how it goes. You CAN do this, ya' know. It will be hard, but think about what you will lose if you don't.

I wish I had found this forum a long time ago. There is so much wisdom here. We are here for you.

lisaria

[vitalcoaching]

when you establish a new behavior in you, it simply takes time, "training" and repetition for it to fully be "grounded" in your life.

 

If it's the first time you are confronted with such situation, you won't tame your emotional reaction overnight.

 

If you focus on it, you can shift that within a period of a week, simply by giving it extra focus, actively following it up.

 

True, give yourself 1 week to shift this behavior and tell you partner you are actively working on it. Fells like it's within your range.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

 

PS: feel free to contact me directly if you need extra support with that

[Spanishpet]

Coach, you sound like you know what you are talking about!

 

Any tips for changing a behaviour? A week is so promising - I can do that! One day at a time, I guess.

 

I hope he gives me the time to change it. I don't know how it evolved - I think through insecurity and feeling of lack of control of the situation.

 

I guess a little in me is insecure the divorce will NEVER end and on the other side, I know this is a time that I can be of great support and use the situation to strengthen our relationship.

 

A week, practice and repetition. You've given me something to think about!

 

Thanks!!

[Mun]

Hello Spanishpet,

I don't know if this will help you but I know exactly what you are going through. I met a very special man while he was getting divorced and he too had many issues to deal with at that time. I backed away from him because I was not ready and not that much interested at the time in a relationship.

 

He ended up becoming involved with someone else right after his divorce and as a result she was his " transitional " woman. They separated soon after and he and I met up again and dated a bit. However, since he was so recently divorced he wanted to see what was out there ( he had been married 12 years) so I backed off again. I know we both care very much for each other but I refused to be his "support" during this time because I did not want to hear about his ex or the other ladies he dated. This was the best thing I did.

 

I didn't lose my value in his eyes, and he turned to other friends for that kind of support. I felt that if I was his "shoulder to cry on" I would become one more of his "buddies" and I did not want that. He has since recovered from his divorce and we continue to be romantically interested in each other.

 

Good luck !