Was she my first love? (A long one...)

[secretlover]

Sorry for the length of this but I need some advice and for some really objective advice, I need to go into detail about my past.

 

Firstly, I cheated on three of my girlfriends. In the past. I regret doing it on all three occasions but I'm a person that believes that we are made up of our experiences and I wouldn't be the person I am today if I changed that.

 

In 2004, when I was the tender age of 14, I started dating a girl. The relationship was set up by our parents. Not a date as such, but my parents knew hers and it just seemed to slot into place for us to date. On the first day I met her, we made out behind a church while her younger sister waited in the car. For want of another name, I'll call the girl I kissed Beth and the sister Vanessa. We stayed together for eight months. Throughout the latter two months of this relationship I was attracted to her younger sister and I would routinely go round to her house to see her younger sister, rather than her.

 

In all of my time with Beth, while we did get physical, we only took it to the point of mutual masturbation which, I always instigated. Anyway, eventually I realised I couldn't do it anymore, and split up with Beth. Please be aware that I did not engage in any romance with Vanessa. She knew I liked her but I did not kiss her, nor hug her, nor anything else. I know that this is still bad - but still.

 

In January 2005, I met a girl called Claire - at the time I thought she was my first love. We got on well - she liked all the same music and films as me. We went to clubs and parties together - we were entirely inseperable. She told me two months in that she had the feeling she was bi-sexual. This didn't bother me in the slightest - after all, I am too.

 

But she wasn't certain and asked me if we could go "on a break" so she could kiss a girl and find out for herself. I agreed, knowing that if she didn't, she would merely go and do it behind my back anyway. We ended up at a club that night and a friend of hers from her school - a girl older than me, Emily, stayed with me the whole night. She kept making eyes at me - suggesting that we get up to something illicit. I kept looking back at her, smiling and saying no.

 

I asked her to go and find Claire for me, and when she didn't come back, I went looking myself and found Claire kissing another girl. I went to sit on my own for awhile and was somewhat distraught. Emily came and sat with me and held me. I was very sad as you can imagine.

 

Did I have a right to be - after all, I did give her permission. The next day, Claire was happy to resume our relationship, and suggested that her, Emily and I go into town together. We did so, however Emily and my eyes kept meeting throughout the day until Claire took me to one side and asked me what was going on. I claimed nothing.

 

We both took Claire to the train station and sent her home. And on the way back into town, it started raining. Emily and I hid in a phone box and we kissed as it rained down beneath us. I was so lonely at this time. The girl who I cared about most had kissed another girl and didn't seem to think it mattered at all.

 

To cut a long story short, we spent the night together - although we didn't have sex. The next morning I went home and Emily made it clear she didn't want to pursue it. I was distraught. My girlfriend had kissed another girl and now the girl I was consoled by was distancing herself from me.

 

Claire and I reunited but it was never the same after that event - and naturally she eventually found out about Emily and I spending the night together which split us up.

 

If you're still reading up to this point - thank you. I'm not sure I would have. And even when I started this post knowing it was going to be long - I certainly didn't think it would be this long.

 

I met another girl in that same club several months later - her name was Steph. We partied hard all night, making eyes at each other however it came out that she had a boyfriend and I went on my way. Can't win em all after all. Maybe I could...because I met her in town about a month later when she had split with her boyfriend and just today moved into a new apartment.

 

Let me bring you up to speed, at this point I was 15, moving close to 16. Steph was just 18. Claire had just hit either 13 or 14, I forget which and was dating a...wait for it...20 year old. Sickened me but it was nothing to do with me anymore.

 

Anyway, what was meant to be a house warming turned into me going back to Steph's place alone. And we soon got down to making out. She asked how old I was and when I told her - she told me to go home. She wasn't comfortable having sex with a guy my age - fair enough. But she did give me a little treat to send me on my way.

 

Throughout all of this time, I had spoken alot to Vanessa, she had a boyfriend when I was dating her sister and had a new one now. Eventually however that broke up and we got together. I should mention that we only got to see each other a couple of times a month due to the distance between us and for a 16 and a 15 year old - that ain't damn near enough.

 

About three months into the relationship, I started dating another girl, Nikki. Yeah I cheated on her but from the photos on her Bebo page, I'd bet anything she was doing the same to me. Does that make it right? No. Did I know she was cheating on me when I met Nikki. No. But, you can see where I'm coming from I hope.

 

To say I was dating Nikki might be a stretch. We spent every night together - we'd go bowling, go the cinema, or sometimes we'd just go to the golf course, lie down on the grass together in each others arms and stare up at the stars.

 

The only problem being - Nikki had a boyfriend. After about 12 months of going through this, I realised I had fallen in love with the girl. And I told her so. Another six months later she told me the same and while she wouldn't split up with her boyfriend, we started dating and at the age of 17, I lost my virginity and made love to this girl I was in love with. Four times in fact.

 

It could have gone on like that, but I couldn't be her "bit on the side" anymore, and gave her the ultimatum, him or me. She chose him. What a bastard I am I guess, since I had a girlfriend too. I turned my attentions to her since she was the one I had cheated on. She ended it a few months later. Quoted the distance as a problem but to be honest, I think she just felt guilty of cheating on me.

 

Yeah, I was cheating on her. Did I feel guilty? Absolutly. Would I tell her I cheated on her. Never. Big wimp I guess.

 

Between then and now I have been on a number of dates - had innumberable one night stands and somehow, each time, I come back to Nikki. She is the girl that just won't get out of my head. That was two years ago and no matter how many dates I go on, I find myself thinking that none of them live up to her. None of them make me feel how she made me feel.

 

It took me a long time - three or four years in fact to get over Claire entirely and what I feel for Nikki is ten times that. Will it take me thirty or forty years to get over her?

 

Last week I saw Vanessa and we went out. It was fun and we had a good time and I thought, we've both grown up - maybe this could work. But it wasn't. Because while we had both grown up - we were both the same people.

 

All I could think about during the date we went on was how this girl was special to me - but how I don't feel as strongly towards her as I do/did Nikki.

 

In all this time, and all these women I have known, is Nikki my first love? And if so, will it ever go away - this feeling of sadness.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

SecretLover

A.K.A - CompleteLoveRat

[cruzer]

In my opinion you have yet to experience love.

 

And with your past, despite being young, who knows if you will

[analives]

i don't think you have experienced love either. and it seems like you have a tough time being in monogamous relationships. how about laying off of them for now until you're sure there's someone you definitely want to be in one with and then work hard to keep it alive?

 

i don't think it's fair to say the OP will never experience love. if he wants to change, it's in him to do so. that wasn't a constructive comment at all.