I am in a lot of pain, any advice please!

[LukeYLuke]

I need help. I have a very strange situation..... here we go.

 

I was qith my girlfriend helen for 2 years, it was awesome. She was so considerate, fun, gorgeous, and we got on sooooo well. there were problems like any relationship in the form of past hurt and trust issues, but we were great for a year. Then in september 2003, she told me she had cheated on me several times dating back to just after we met. OUCH! the pain was horific, the same day she told me she was goin to newzealand for 6 months, starting in feb 2004. my world crumbled, but i loved her so much, she said she would never do it again. she said it was insecurities with herself. so we stayed together through to feb and she left me, and we were very happy. however, a month in to her being away, the mistrust starts, and i start acting like a fool. she hadnt cheated, but i was scared she had. so after a very honest conversation we decide to call it a day. i tried to convince myself it was the best thing but my inside felt twisted. It was 10 days before we talked again. she had heard i haad been signed of worked sufferin with depression and anxiety and she wanted to know if i was ok. then a new bombshell, she has been sleeping with a guy she met, not a relationship, just sex. i feel like my insides mhave been ripped out. i know she still loves me, we both know love isnt a problem. i dont know what to do, to wait for her? cut her off? when i heard about the other guy, i went out and got very drunk and ended up having sex with a girl i met at a bar, but felt sooooo much worse after. i NEED avice on hw to progress, i feel unable to function. i am seeing her in july as i have lots of her stuff while she is away. i know when i see her im gonna wanna grab her and never let her go

 

any advice woulod be awesome. cheers peeps.......

[amaranth_04]

You called it a day, but was she with the new guy before that ?

 

Betrayal is hard enough to deal with, but harder still when you're both at opposite ends of the globe.

 

Obviously the two of you hadn't really worked thru the previous situation, thereforeeee, the trust issues when she went away. You spent the night with a girl cos you were in terrible pain over news of the other guy.... what was her reason... matters more if hers happened before you ended things.. if hers happened after, was it for the same reason as yours.... you felt worse after doing it.. remorse ?..... does she feel the same way..... or is she moving on ?

 

Try to ease contact with her for a little while, til the immediate ''can't think straight'' pain goes away, and step back from your situation and see what's really in it.. is there a future for it.. a happy future.. ? You're in depression and experiencing anxiety, so you need a better hold on those before you can make a more informed decision.

 

Now til July is over a month away. What you feel like doing now, you may not feel like doing then. Right now, you're thinking through hurt and so you aren't really thinking straight. Work on getting better control over the anxiety, don't act rashly through drunkenness. In fact, if you really must get drunk, do so in the safety of your bedroom with a (sober) friend who can watch over you. But don't make it a habit.

[rat_freak]

If this girl really loved and cared for you, she would not have cheated on you to begin with. If she wanted to work things out, she would also not have cheated on you after she promised not to do so again. It's not worth your time and nerves to worry about every move she makes and who she spends time with in fear she might be cheating on you AGAIN.

 

As hard as it will be, you need to move on and find someone who will respect you and truly love you.

 

rat_freak

[LukeYLuke]

amaranth_04, she said since we split, she had blocked me out, coz it hurt to think bout me, but then this guy comes in to the equation who i know she had met already, and she told me they have had sex over 5 times???!??! 10 days after we break up? she says it is about moving on.... i guess people deal with stuf differently. i sucks

 

rat_freak, as hard as it is to explian to you over the net, i know she loves me, but her principles arnt the same as mine i guess. i know what you say makes sense, implementing it is so hard... cheers buddy

 

thanks for responding guys, this is the first time ive been to this site, definetly hangon to the address

 

Luke

[amaranth_04]

sure, people deal with things differently but a decent person would deal with things considerately.

 

I wanted to say exactly as rat_freak has said but I knew you would still say she loved you, so I tried to get to the same advice more subtly.

 

Ok, nevermind for now whether or not she really loves you, obviously her ''different principles'' aren't working for you. In fact, you're hurting terribly from them. So do consider, is she suited to you?

 

Love is a lot more than just the rush of feeling you get when you're in love. I think you can choose to fall in love with someone who suits you. It's about getting to know a person who you are compatible with, getting past the initial rush, and investing in it further after you feel there's compatibility. Of course in your case, she led you to believe she was such and such right from the start, so you didn't really know her the way you thought you did. Now you're seeing her for what she is, and she's obviously not for you. You're not willing to admit it, hopefully, yet.

 

I honestly believe that actions speak louder than words.

[laurag78]

Two words "Move On"!

[LukeYLuke]

I know you guys are right, it hurts so much. im having a hard day thats for sure. i have just boxed up all the stuff that reminds me of her, letters, notes, pictures, gifts and even my pot plant 'bob'. I want to forget her, because i love her. I had some crazy dreams last night, i was in a field with another ex girlfriend, one that i spoke to for the first time in 2 years a few weeks ago, and we a were getting on great. Then she turned in to helen, which turned the dream in to a nightmare. i then awoke at 5 am, and i was in tears till 10. i need closure