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Long and complicated


stu1066

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This is my first post on my story its rather long winded, a bit of history first, my ex is 37 she comes from a strong catholic background she only ever had a couple of boyfriends then married young to a violent alcoholic much older than herself the relationship ended after he stabbed her and punctured her lung,(she got no support from family throughout this) she stayed away from relationships for a long time then met her current b/f of 4 yrs who is quit a bit older as well, I met her late 2008 when I was installing a fire alarm system at her place of work we quickly became friends but I never thought anything more of it because she was engaged, as we got closer she gave me the impression her relationship was in trouble and all but over I discovered her b/f was financially and emotionally abusing her, she told me that she had to buy her own engagement ring had paid for their last 2 holidays abroad, she is paying for his car and had to give up her own car to pay for last years holiday this guy is on twice her income!, he basically treats her like crap she has stress related stomach ulcers due to the first relatonship which can cause bad breath occasionally he told her to go and wash her mouth out becuase she smelled like a pig! lots of other stuff invasion privacy has to answer her mobile phone imediately oe else he keeps calling till she answers dosent like her going out with friends etc, she once came to work wearing a wig which was around the time she had apparently removed his stuff from her flat I strongly suspect he had pulled her hair or something she was very subdude that week, they dont live together see each other maybe 3 times a week,

 

back to me and her, we started seeing each other at the beginning of last year I only agreed to this because after what she had told me about the relationship it was just a matter of time before she left this guy, 3 months into our affair she met me midweek halfway between where we live at a shopping center (we live 35 miles apart) I noticed she seemed a bit distant that night and later noticed a suitecase in the boot of her car when I asked her about this she said "it makes me feel better knowing get away sometimes" at the time it didnt make much sense to me but later made me suspect her partner was abusive, when we got to the 4-6 month mark I tried to get her to leave him as we where really close " she used to kiss me that much my lips ached" her excuses where flimsy like " my mum and dad will never speak to me again" "its too complicated etc" she said she really wished I was him, which gave me the impression she was to scared to leave the relationship because of repercussions, shortly after this and more pressure from me for her to leave she became really upset and told me she couldnt see me again, she was really heartbroke she couldnt even get the words out she told me "no one has ever loved her like I do" and that if ever I needed anything she would always be there for me! and asked could she ring me the following week " I agreed" but she never rang so I left her alone for a month then left a text message asking if she was ok which I got no reply too, so I rang her up and she told me she had been that depressed she had spent the first 3 days crying in bed and had been really depressed she then suggested we meet for coffee, I met her and we walked in the local park and then she grabbed hold of me we just hugged and kissed til it went dark! then she switched again and told she wasnt going to leave him anyway we continued to see each other for a further 2 months which wasnt the same because she was full of guilt over the affair we split just after my birthday in october but agreed to keep in touch via text message as talking would be to difficult for her and me to be honest! which up is pretty much 2 way very lc about once a month,

I do believe she still loves this guy aka stockholme syndrome but I also believe she still loves me, I also believe she feels her only way out of this relationship would be to move completely which she cant due to the fact she has to look after her mum and dad who have very poor health (she lives on the same street)

I realise there is not much I can do to infuence her decision and I do realise she has poor boundaries to allow herself to be treated this way, which I put down to fear and intimidation from the present and previous relationship,to this day I still dont know the reason she kicked his stuff out of her flat she just says " he really hurt me" up until now we havent spoken just the odd brief text message making sure we are both ok! I know abusive relationships can escalate over time and I dont want to burn any bridges for possible future reconcilliation, I cant be sure wether or not physical abuse is taking place but I dont need to be a genius to see that fear and intimidation is! we have been in LC since mid october but sometimes wonder after reading this site to go full NC, hard to know whats best! I have never met a more caring person to be honest she used to buy me little gifts everytime she saw me, makes it hard to walk away!

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It really does sound to me like she feels trapped...and why wouldn't she? She ahs a lot of important things keeping her at least living there....her parents and her job...and it sounds like she is spending all her money on this guy so she can't save up to escape if she tried. As much as it pains you....she will not leave until she is ready. I know you wish you could save her and I wish you could too I hate to hear of anyone being stuck in a cycle of abuse like that, but she is the only one who can decide to leave. If you can handle the LC and just be there for her and let he know you care for her well being and taht she has a friend...then I think that would be nice (everyone needs friends) but if it's too much for you and is holding you back then do what is right for you.

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  • 10 months later...

Hi People,

 

well as you can see this is a really old post now, I wish my feelings thought the same, in this time I have learned to laugh again realise I can love again even though I doubt I will find somebody quite as nice as her ( got quite a few exes to compare her with) we stayed in lc for awhile but it wasnt long before I became the one doing the contacting, this week I was wrestling with thoughts of should I wish her merry xmas, I decided against it, until this afternoon when my dad came to visit to drop some gifts off, we ended up chatting and he thought it was a good idea to wish her merry xmas, I didnt need much convincing to be honest! well I got a pleasant reply but nothing to suggest the status quo has changed, these last 2 months I have gotten quite close to my new nextdoor nieghbour she really began to grow on me we spend alot of time together she is 11 yrs younger than me I actually felt we had a real spark between that is up until tonight when she told me we would only ever be friends, I am not writing this for advice just to let others know they arent the only one p**** off in the holiday season what dosent kill you makes you stronger right! only kidding maybe!

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