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We are breaking up..help


janeybobaney

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Hi there. Just joined today. I don't have much time to write, but a friend showed me this forum and I could really use someone to listen and to give advice.

 

So a little background info; my boyfriend and I will/would have been together for four years in May. We have always had kind of a dramatic relationship; we were 18 when we got together so at that time I think a lot of drama ensues. Firstly, he is addicted to pain killers and benzos (Xanax). His mother supplies him with these drugs, and thinks it's ok. We have had our ups and downs and most of them has come to be because of his addiction. Had I known he was an addict, I would have never gotten involved with him (obviously). When we first got together I was very naive and would loan him money weekly, never getting paid back. I finally realized about a year and a half ago that I needed to stop, I was enabling his addiction and that it wasn't proving my love to do it; it was the opposite, hurting him more than helping him.

 

So this past year things have been pretty horrible between us. He has been in contact with his ex girlfriend and I found out about it (that is a no-no in our relationship so he stopped, so he says) and I was recently promoted at my company and I'm going to school full time, so I hardly see him at all (we don't live together thank God). We probably see each other once a week, and he lived about four minutes away. Christmas was our boiling point- I broke up with him because of a fight that got out of control where he called me vicious names and told me hated me, etc. We have done this 6 times now, since Christmas day. Most recently, yesterday morning he let me know that his mother is no longer allowing me at their house (I really haven no idea why?). So I said, "So we are pretty much done right?" and he said, "Well yeah I guess." and we have not spoken since then. This is not normal, usually he calls or texts a few hours later. He texted this morning at 4am, "The spot next to my bed feels so empty..I get the feeling I am not going to see you again." and I responded with, "Well since we can't see each other and all of this is happening, probably not" and we haven't talked today since.

 

I know that he is going to call back and want me back...and I know how badly I'm going to want to say yes, but I know that it can't continue. We are breaking each others hearts and we are eventually going to hate each other. I don't want that, that would feel so much worse. But I can't see him with anyone else--that will destroy me. I know what needs to be done, but I need help doing it. I need advice. I know I need to end our relationship, and I basically have. I just don't know how to stop feeling guilty and heart broken. Now I'm crying

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What makes you feel guilty?

 

This is really hard, I know. But you made the right decision. This was not a healthy relationship and it doesn't sound like either of you were fooling yourselves into thinking it was.

 

Now is the time for grieving what you've let go. It's okay to be heartbroken, so just let it out.

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I don't see why you should be feeling guilty...he is the one who should be feeling that way! As far as being heartbroken that is normal and it will take time to heal and to get over things. You've been in a relationship for almost 4 yrs and that's a bit of time being with someone. So, just know that you did the right thing and that there is someone out there that you deserve a whole lot better.

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Not long from now you'll look back on this break up and be relieved because 1) it made you stronger 2) you moved on and will no longer have to deal with the emotional roller coaster 3) no more distractions from more important things 4) you won't make the same mistake twice and you'll meet someone that makes you happier.

 

Everyone goes through it. Break ups are inevitable.

 

-Ash

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Welcome, and I'm glad you decided to post this. I hope telling your story helped solidify some things for yourself, because as difficult as this feels right now, you WILL thank yourself for being strong enough to move forward.

 

Love is not a sentence to act as someone else's social worker, therapist or drug counselor. This sounds as though BF's Mom wants company in her own addiction, and staying away from that scene is the healthiest and most self-loving thing you can do.

 

What you CAN NOT do is rescue BF, and he's not even asking you to do that. His priorities are his habits right now, and while he may suffer some moments of clarity and want you back, you're the one with enough potential in your life to remind yourself to stay strong.

 

Being sane enough for the both of you during this breakup is not only smart for you, but it's actually the best thing you can do for him, as well. He may need to drop into much worse circumstances before ever deciding to pull himself out of his addiction, and allowing him to take YOU down with him would not 'help' him. I think you know this.

 

Hang in there, and write more if it helps.

 

In your corner.

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