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What Are Signs That You're Just A Friend To Them...


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And what are signs that they're working on trying to get you back?

 

Okay. A lot of dumpees (and dumpers who changed their mind but the dumpee basically told them to f' off) seem to be wondering what it means when an ex contacts you and whether or not they want to be just friends or more.

 

Kay. Of all my time being on here on ENA and recollecting all the stories, I'm going to give you a few pointers about this NC/LC/FC business.

 

First of all... When an ex doesn't contact you for a long time (I'm talking about more than a couple months here), assume that they're over you and done with you. They might even be dating and in a relationship with someone else. If the ex has feelings for you... you will hear from them. Trust me.

 

When an ex and you agree on a friendship, take note on the contact between you two- Is it frequent? Or is it a rare, light contact? When the ex wants LC (and basically, be "just friends), you won't hear from them much except maybe a "hey, hope you're doing fine" every once a month, or every 2 months even. Or longer. If you feel that it is rare contact... It is rare contact/light contact and they don't like you as a boy/girlfriend.

 

If it is frequent contact, this is good news. However, sometimes a heavily depressed person, or a person who doesn't have many good friends or close buddies, may choose to bug the ex for attention, a feeling of validation to their existence, ego boosts, etc. If you know your ex as the person who indeed has "a lot going on in their lives" and for some reason they choose to frequently contact you a lot (more than once a month, even better if they contact you more than once in a week straight), then it's obvious you're always on their mind and that's a good thing if you want to reconcile later.

 

Think about it. Do you think about the person who you think is unattractive and don't like? Thought so.

 

But vertigo, if they are indeed contacting us, what are the signs that they're contacting me just as a friend, or want more from us?

 

Here are the signs that they just like you as a friend:

  1. The contact is basically LC. Of course, especially when exes haven't spoken to each other for a while and the dumper (or the dumpee dressed up as a dumper), LC will be established for a while before the contact increases. They most likely feel a bit bad that they disappeared on you, and want to "ease" into the friendship-and perhaps more-as time goes by. But if they started at LC and continue to be LC for more than, say, 6 months- You're just a friend to them. Sorry.
  2. They treat you as one of the guys. Or one of the girls. For male dumpers, they will call you a few names and tease you like they would with a friend. Sometimes they may even come accross as blunt... But that's because they aren't impressing you because, well, you're just a friend. What's there to impress? For a female dumper, she'll talk about other guys or talk about stupid crap like clothes, celebrities, etc.
  3. They talk about other girls/guys in a romantic light. Take note here, because some exes do this to get a jealous reaction out of you, or to gauge your interest. If they say things like, "My new partner is so hot, I'm going to pound it!" then it might just be to get you jealous. If you really like someone, you wouldn't talk about them to other friends about how you're going to "rip them apart" in a sexual manner- You will talk about how wonderful, beautiful, and amazing they are, how you feel a "connection" with them, etc. If they're talking about their new partner is a very sweet, romantic life- YOU'RE JUST A FRIEND TO THEM!
  4. Sure, they might invite you out... As friends. How do you know? Do they take you out in a group of friends? Then you're just that, one of their friends. Even if they ask to hang out with you and them, alone... What are they doing? Are they calm, cool, and collected around you? Are they being friendly with you but not flirty in the least? Do they poke you just to annoy you but not hold you close? Then you're just a friend.

 

And here's the list if you're more than just a friend to them and want more:

 

  1. Is the contact frequent? FC=Full Contact. If they're contacting more than appropriate (for example, more than twice a month, they text you while with friends, BONUS POINTS IF THEY'RE TEXTING YOU WITH THEIR SUPPOSED "ROMANTIC PARTNERS"), then there's something there. Do they bring up old jokes from the past, or call you pet names that they used to name you? If so, they're trying to make you feel nostalgic, and thus, want them back. This doesn't mean they want you to run to their house and light up a huge neon sign screaming "I WANT YOU BACK!" Guys are especially notorious for freaking out at the first sign of desperation in females. They can just smell it... And it immediatley turns them right off. Play it cool.
  2. Do they ask you out to go somewhere with them on a seemingly "date-y" place? Like the movies? A resturant? Or a walk on the beach with the moonlight setting just above the beautiful starry night? Then you know what is definantly means... They're asking you out on a date. This is especially true if they compliment how you look, flirt with you, and-GASP-Try to kiss you. You know damn well friends don't do this with each other unless they light each others fires.
  3. Just because an ex might want you back doesn't mean they will lay it all out there- This is especially true for dumpers with large, fragile egos. They will poke and prod around this in a delicate manner. They might try to flirt with you to see if you respond positevly to it. Again, the old jokes and pet names comes here as well; If you respond positevly to it, then they will smile and go farther with it.
  4. Sexual attraction= A major yes-yes. Truth be told that when the dumper starts a new relationship with someone else, it's because they find them sexually attractive. It hurts to think about it that way, yes, but it's the cold hard truth. Why do you think the media keeps telling us that being overweight is unattractive, being deathly pale is unattractive, etc? Because truth be told, they want the people to agree with them, buy the products, pretty themselves up, go out, and see if they catch a few interested human breeders. When you first meet someone, the first thing you'll judge is their appearance. Next comes the voice, the way they move, etc. If it all seems appealing to you, then you, my friend, are sexually attracted to them. "Love at first sight" don't exist in real life- "Lust at first sight"? You bet'cha! It always starts out like that. So if you find your ex becoming overly complimentary of you, or touching you or being just a tad too close to you more than a friend should... Then they're attracted to you. This doesn't mean you have to jump straight into bed with them. In fact, I highly am against this idea for one reason and one reason only; It KILLS the mystery. Mystery is sexy... When you see a mysterious person, you are naturally drawn to them. You might even test them out and flirt with them and see if they bite. They might flirt back just a little bit, and then gets up, smirks and say, "I gotta go. It's a "thing" I have to do." and walks away, leaving you in a whirlwind of questions and curiosity. Sex kills that. Remember that!

 

I hope this helps everyone and wish you all good luck!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Wow this post was the exact answer ive been looking for.

 

My ex and I have been apart for almost 2 months. The last 4 weeks have been limited contact. ( I am not initiating contact first.) Just 2 weeks ago she would text me like every 3 days. Not to ask how im doing, just random and pointless things. For example, she texted me lyrics from a song, she texted me about something that just happened at her house, she texted me to tell me that her dog is being cute, she texted me to tell me that her dad's gf broke her arm, she texted me asking what im doing because she saw my car at uni....

 

Most of the time I would be kinda short with her. (for example i wouldnt text back for a couple hours and I would usually be the one to stop texting her) These conversations were very short and only lasted like 3 or 4 texts in and 3 or 4 texts out.

 

 

This was two weeks ago and now I havn't heard from her in a week.

 

Yes, I do want her back and would do anything... But right now these texts shes sendin me are really just makin me think.

 

Any suggestions????

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Is she kind of girl that doesn't have a lot of people to talk/hang out with? Some people only have a very few friends here and there, and don't go out much. So they choose to bug a certain person ALL THE FRIGGING TIME.

 

If she's the social butterfly with a million friends, then maybe you're her "favorite" friend.

 

Either way, don't be too short with her... She'll just feel rejected and will naturally turn away from you. Just be nice to her but don't flirt unless she starts it first. (Don't take it too far, though... Like I said, do not have sex with the ex!)

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Is she kind of girl that doesn't have a lot of people to talk/hang out with? Some people only have a very few friends here and there, and don't go out much. So they choose to bug a certain person ALL THE FRIGGING TIME.

 

If she's the social butterfly with a million friends, then maybe you're her "favorite" friend.

 

Either way, don't be too short with her... She'll just feel rejected and will naturally turn away from you. Just be nice to her but don't flirt unless she starts it first. (Don't take it too far, though... Like I said, do not have sex with the ex!)

 

Well, she is on the soccer team at uni and has lots of friends but we both live in a town that we commute from to school. When we were together, she hardly hung out with them and never really got too involved with the "college life." So basically I am her only friend in town. She is super busy in her life i might add... she goes to school 5 days a week, 2- a day soccer practices like 4 times a week, she just got a job where shes workin like 20+ hours a week and shes also on an indoor soccer team.

 

It has been a week of NC tho... Do you think she noticed I am being short with her so shes just going to not contact me at all now??

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Well, she is on the soccer team at uni and has lots of friends but we both live in a town that we commute from to school. When we were together, she hardly hung out with them and never really got too involved with the "college life." So basically I am her only friend in town. She is super busy in her life i might add... she goes to school 5 days a week, 2- a day soccer practices like 4 times a week, she just got a job where shes workin like 20+ hours a week and shes also on an indoor soccer team.

 

It has been a week of NC tho... Do you think she noticed I am being short with her so shes just going to not contact me at all now??

 

If she can squeeze in all that time in reaching out while having all these to juggle in her life, she must really miss you.

 

Not sure if she notices or not, but maybe go NC for a couple of more weeks and start LC from there. Be friendly but casual about it. Good luck!

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It has been a week of NC tho... Do you think she noticed I am being short with her so shes just going to not contact me at all now??

 

I have been in a similar situation, my ex contacted me first all the time but he was always short in his answers and that naturally leads me to think that I annoy him so I stopped all contact.

So my point is YES she most likely has noticed you were being cold and does not want to sit through your rejection over and over again.

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I have a question of my own on this topic

 

What if contact was almost everyday? - sometimes LC sometimes HC (high contact but always initiated by him. What does he want in this case?

 

It's not safe to assume anything at this point. Maybe ask him out for coffee to catch up with life and see how that goes!

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It's not safe to assume anything at this point. Maybe ask him out for coffee to catch up with life and see how that goes!

 

 

I am tempted to, or was... For the moment I ignored his last email and started NC 4 days ago and he hasn't emailed anymore so I am going to assume he's out of this email game. If he doesn't initiate contact I guess that will be that, I am not going to break NC because I have realized that it gives me internal peace

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aw this is nice to know. I get contact at least once a week.. he comes over, or i go over his house.. hes asked me to sit on his lap, & asked for a kiss last time which was cute. he says things like "youre the only girlfriend ive ever had that...blah blah blah", "youre the best girl that...blah".

 

he always says something analyzing our relationship when we get together about why it may have gone wrong, so i dont know if thats a good or bad thing.. anyway, we both know were not ready for soemthing so serious, but its nice to know that I mean something to him. This is a very nice post vertigo!

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First of all... When an ex doesn't contact you for a long time (I'm talking about more than a couple months here), assume that they're over you and done with you. They might even be dating and in a relationship with someone else. If the ex has feelings for you... you will hear from them. Trust me.

 

 

Please don't say that.

 

-I've had a girl who first rejected me contact me after 2 years to retry. (but it didn't work out well, she dumped me after 3 weeks)

 

-I've had an ex-wife contact me again after 2 years as well, except that I no longer love her (in fact never really did)

 

-With my latest ex-gf whom I was very in love with it's been a bit longer than 3 months of total NC and I want to keep at least some hope up because I really love her so badly.

I can't imagine that she would really treat me like a total stranger after what we shared and especially how we already secretly loved each other during 7 years while we were both with our respective ex-wife/husband.

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aw this is nice to know. I get contact at least once a week.. he comes over, or i go over his house.. hes asked me to sit on his lap, & asked for a kiss last time which was cute. he says things like "youre the only girlfriend ive ever had that...blah blah blah", "youre the best girl that...blah".

 

he always says something analyzing our relationship when we get together about why it may have gone wrong, so i dont know if thats a good or bad thing.. anyway, we both know were not ready for soemthing so serious, but its nice to know that I mean something to him. This is a very nice post vertigo!

 

Hmm, it does look pretty good! Make sure you don't sleep with him though! I know, it can be a bit hard, but you have to be patient and play this game right if you want him back!

 

Please don't say that.

 

-I've had a girl who first rejected me contact me after 2 years to retry. (but it didn't work out well, she dumped me after 3 weeks)

 

-I've had an ex-wife contact me again after 2 years as well, except that I no longer love her (in fact never really did)

 

-With my latest ex-gf whom I was very in love with it's been a bit longer than 3 months of total NC and I want to keep at least some hope up because I really love her so badly.

I can't imagine that she would really treat me like a total stranger after what we shared and especially how we already secretly loved each other during 7 years while we were both with our respective ex-wife/husband.

 

I'm sorry.

 

In some cases where a dumper may already have a rebound, have tons of "back-up" friends, and have a large support system, yes, you probably won't hear from them for a while. As to whether how long is it, it varies. But I'm sure that if they contact you after a while, it's because you've been on their mind... Which is a good thing.

 

It's actually normal for exes to act like you don't exist when you bump into each other in public. Perhaps they're in a lot of pain as well and don't want you to be close to them anymore, and need some time and space to recollect everything emotionally.

 

These things can take time. Successful reconciliations happen usually a year or more after the date of the break-up.

 

I agree with everything except the 6 months cause I seen on some cases that the dumpers will wait for a year or more just to come back but after I praise the way you see things.

 

You're right. It totally depends and anything can happen. I just wrote that so that, if just in case someone is holding on to an ex who only gives out strong "just friends" vibes after 6 months, that it's best to let go of them and move on. Who knows what will happen in the future, but it's best to just leave it to fate and just work on yourself in the meanwhile.

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And what are signs that they're working on trying to get you back?

 

Okay. A lot of dumpees (and dumpers who changed their mind but the dumpee basically told them to f' off) seem to be wondering what it means when an ex contacts you and whether or not they want to be just friends or more.

 

Kay. Of all my time being on here on ENA and recollecting all the stories, I'm going to give you a few pointers about this NC/LC/FC business.

 

First of all... When an ex doesn't contact you for a long time (I'm talking about more than a couple months here), assume that they're over you and done with you. They might even be dating and in a relationship with someone else. If the ex has feelings for you... you will hear from them. Trust me.

 

 

My first bf asked me back after about a year (we didn't stay friends btw). Guess he just find out the girls he dated didn't take him serious and/or the fact the grass isn't always greener at the other side.

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You're right. It totally depends and anything can happen. I just wrote that so that, if just in case someone is holding on to an ex who only gives out strong "just friends" vibes after 6 months, that it's best to let go of them and move on. Who knows what will happen in the future, but it's best to just leave it to fate and just work on yourself in the meanwhile.

 

 

Yeah, I agree with that too.

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My first bf asked me back after about a year (we didn't stay friends btw). Guess he just find out the girls he dated didn't take him serious and/or the fact the grass isn't always greener at the other side.

 

Awwww congratulations!

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...
However, sometimes a heavily depressed person, or a person who doesn't have many good friends or close buddies, may choose to bug the ex for attention, a feeling of validation to their existence, ego boosts, etc.

 

My ex doesn't have many close friends and in fact I'm the only close guy friend she has. And she keeps contacting me frequently. I still love her a lot and want to be with her but is she contacting me quite often a good sign?

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