What does this mean?

[Jerseygirl]

My ex saw me and his best friend driving around. I was in the passenger seat of his car. The best friend saw my ex's car so he speeded off to some place so i wouldn't see my ex's car and get depressed. We ended up around a secluded parking lot, and my ex actually followed our car. They both opened their windows, said whats up, i smiled at my ex from the passengers seat, and tried looking very uninterested...fidgeting with the radio, my hair, etc. My ex then smiled and said goodbye, and we both drove away.

Now I hear that he is mad at his best friend for trying to hook up with me (b/c he is his BEST friend, and best friends don't do that i guess). He saw us in a secluded parking lot together , alone, so that's waht it seemed like when in reality we were going to just get some coffee together! I'm not sure if my ex is mad at me, but he is at his best friend. What do you guys think this means? Does this mean he still cares about me? And should I say somethign \to him about it...or not? I feel like I should just leave it alone, keep on going with the no contact. But do you all think this is a good sign? Or am i just overanalyzing?

[wanderingalonenow]

Hey Jerseygirl -

 

It may or may not be a sign. It all kind of depends on the type of guy he is. I mean, some people just don't like the idea of their friends dating their ex-es. I can remember that coming up in a conversation I had with some of my friends last year... and some of them (female as well as male) admitted they'd have a problem with one of their friends dating an ex of theirs. No one could really say why... it was "just because." If I ventured a guess, it'd be because that'd mean the ex would be a part of their lives (since he/she is dating one of their best friends), which might not be something they want. Then again, that might just be bs. It might just be territorial type stuff. Like even though you aren't with him anymore, he doesn't want to see you with anyone else, let alone his best friend. There're a bunch of ways you could look at it... you could analyze all day, but the only person who really knows is your ex. But I would give the two of them time to work it out on their own. You might go in trying to talk to him looking for something positive as far as him coming back, but it might not be there... and that'd hurt. Or it'd hurt me at least. It might be a good sign for you... but it might not be. So be guarded and try not to get your hopes up too much.

[kipster]

Ohhh...JerseyGirl..please don't take this the wrong way and I know your intentions were not to be perceived in the wrong way...But if I was your EX I'd be PISS*D, to the highest level of PISSIVITY, at that point. And not just with you, but with his 'friend' also. Forget the intentions of you and his friend, JUST THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MINUTE...TURN THE TABLES...HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU SAW YOUR EX IN THE CAR WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND, THEN YOU BEST FRIEND SPEEDS OFF, YOU THEN FOLLOW AND SEE YOUR BEST FRIEND AND HIM IN THE CAR IN A SECLUDED PARKING LOT, WITH YOUR EX FIDGETING WITH THE RADIO? C'MON....You've got to be smarter than that! Why do people put themselves in these situations? I know you didn't have any negative intentions, but as a man that's not what he see's. And of course He still likes you, unless why on earth would he follow you. If you dislike your EX, why on earth would you care who they go anywhere with, let alone follow them. However, if he was on the fence about you, now I can guarantee this is weighing heavily on his mind. And it won't matter what his best friend, and certainly not you, say. Point blank...Being in the car with his best friends, if you desire to get back with him AT ALL, MAKES NO SENSE...THAT'S WORSE THAN BEING IN THE CAR WITH A GUY THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW..IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOW DATING HIS BEST FRIEND, EVEN IF YOU AREN'T. That's why I always say, before you do something in a relationship, or in a semi-relationship, just think for a second how the other you would feel as the other person in the scenario if the roles were reversed. If you'd feel o.k., then go for it. But if it would bother you in the least bit, then why on earth would you NOT EXPECT IT TO BOTHER THEM?

 

End rant....

[Azure13]

To me it sounds like thats a sign he still cares in some way. I don't know.. its hard to say, it could make him feel that he wants to get back with you, or it could have hurt him. I don't know the guy.. but in my experience, when men get jealous (provided he doesn't have someone new..) .. they tend to want you more. I would take it as a sign.. I'm not sure of course but just play it cool and let him come back to you.. I would keep going on with the no contact. I could be wrong, but to me it seems like a sign that he still wants you... and also even me as a woman.. I'd be hurt if one of my friends hooked up or started going out with an ex of mine.. its just a trust thing. Play it cool

[Jerseygirl]

thanks azure...but now theres an update, my ex is now avoiding me! i play it like i dont care, but it hurts so much! hes mad at me, but i didnt do nething, all i was doing was hanging out with a mutual friend of ours...but he prob thinks im trying to hu with that friend ..i dont know wahts going on in his head..part of me is happy thinking oh, now he's jealous..but the other part is like...great now he feels negative towards me..bc he thinks im trying to get with his friends...u guys still think i should use the no contact? some ppl r telling me this is a sign that hes coming around, however, if he was, then why would he IGNORE me now?? ahh help please!

[sweetharmony]

I don't want to be mean, but I don't think it's appropriate for your ex's best friend and you getting together. I think it's sort of back-stabbing, even if your ex initiated the break-up. I think feelings are always there- even if they are diminished. i mean he probably had thoughts of you with his best friend. i think dating friends' exes is just plain wrong. can you put yourself in his shoes? he has every right to be pissed. yes, he cares, but not for the reason you think. he feels betrayed by his buddy and you. I mean, if you didn't think there was anything wrong with the picture, then why did his bf try to avoid him in the car at first? and why do you care about what your ex feels about you. and it is apparently obvious that you're hanging around his best friend to make him jealous or get him back, trust me, it's not likely going to work. like what is already happening, this will only drive him further away. it shows a lack of maturity. trying to make someone jealous like that is pretty immature and obvious. it would not leave a good taste about you in his mouth. now, i agree with what azure said about making someone jealous often makes the ex want you more. but this is beyond the ex catching you with another guy- (that's a good jealousy thing). this is just unethical (in my opinion).

 

if my ex (of a significant at. of time) ever dated a friend of mine, i don't think i could ever speak to either of them.

 

i am sorry if I offended you, but please reevaluate your situation. i think the way you are trying to get back your ex is all wrong.

[kipster]

thanks azure...but now theres an update, my ex is now avoiding me! i play it like i dont care, but it hurts so much! hes mad at me, but i didnt do nething, all i was doing was hanging out with a mutual friend of ours...but he prob thinks im trying to hu with that friend ..i dont know wahts going on in his head..part of me is happy thinking oh, now he's jealous..but the other part is like...great now he feels negative towards me..bc he thinks im trying to get with his friends...u guys still think i should use the no contact? some ppl r telling me this is a sign that hes coming around, however, if he was, then why would he IGNORE me now?? ahh help please!

 

Of course he's avoiding you! He thinks you and his 'friend' were stepping out on him? Most men, would have that same perception. And similarly, most men would probably react the same way..PULL WAY BACK..Right now, as I said above, he's probably so PISS*D with you he can't even think straight...I know you didn't do anything, I said that above. But its the PERCEPTION THAT HE'S BASING IT ON, NOT REALITY! Again, think about it from his shoes...In this case, I don't know if no contact is necessarily the best route here, since his last perception before no contact is that you were with his 'friend', but at some point he needs to be told the truth if he hasn't (I know when he's told, it will seem like he won't want to hear it, but he will be listening) already. I'm not saying you should do it, perhpas having that 'friend' do the dirty work would be the best if he's a mutual friend. To explain why he felt the need to 'SPEED' away and how he's not being 'intimate' with you to any degree. I think that may be helpful. Then if you want to continue no contact in light of the friends re-assurance, I'd say that might be a better strategy....

[Jerseygirl]

the point is, we were goin to coffee as friends, with absolutely no other intentions.. my ex knows i wold never hu with this guy. we're just friends. The only reason he speeded off was b/c he didnt want me to see my ex and his gf together in his car. The friend completely explained the whole thing and they are friends now. The fact is, he is still upset with me, but not his friend. I don't think its worth explaingin it though b/c i didn't do nething wrong and i dont want to break the no contact. Don't you think that the fact that he's mad at me and not his friend shows something? Like maybe he's jealous, and is taking it out on me.. and the fact taht he is avoiding me shows that he does care.... what do you think?

[kate111]

It does sound a tad suspicious about you and the ex'es best friend. It depends on how close you were before the break up. If it was a usual thing for you guys to be driving around empty car lots and not doing anything suspicious then that is ok. If not then it is reasonable to expect your ex to be upset.

 

If you are trying to get back at your ex, then please do not do it like this. It lacks honour and in the end, even though it WILL hurt your ex it will not impress him at all. You can say goodbye to him forever if you are going to use these dishonourable methods.

 

Maybe you could get the best friend to have a word to him.

[kipster]

the point is, we were goin to coffee as friends, with absolutely no other intentions.. my ex knows i wold never hu with this guy. we're just friends. The only reason he speeded off was b/c he didnt want me to see my ex and his gf together in his car. The friend completely explained the whole thing and they are friends now. The fact is, he is still upset with me, but not his friend. I don't think its worth explaingin it though b/c i didn't do nething wrong and i dont want to break the no contact. Don't you think that the fact that he's mad at me and not his friend shows something? Like maybe he's jealous, and is taking it out on me.. and the fact taht he is avoiding me shows that he does care.... what do you think?

 

Again, I know you were just getting coffee as friends and had no other intentions. You've made this abundantly clear. But I do doubt that the EX didn't feel you would 'never' be with this guy. Yeah, perhaps before he saw you in the car speeding away with him, yes. But afterwards, I think he probably sees all bets as off. I think its good if the friend did re-assure him though. That's a start and yes, I don't think you should break no contact if the friend has cleared the air.

 

I think he may still be 'mad' with his friend and just not be showing it. I bet at this point, though the friend re-assured him, he doesn't TRUST THE FRIEND as far as he can throw him. Clearly, he was jealous even though he's your EX. Most guys are as an EX, because something in us still says we're a couple even though its over...We know that, but we still expect fidelity (especially if the guy doesn't have a girl yet). I know its irrational but men sometimes think this way. I think at this point he's still mad at you, probably now more for making him look like an idiot by chasing you when 'nothing' was supposedly happening, as opposed to why he was mad before when he BELIEVED something was happening for sure. I say stick to no contact for a bit and see where it goes...

[kate111]

I think Kipster has some good insights and has made me think of some new points to consider too.

 

It does sound like your boyfriend is a tad worried and jealous of you and his best friend. Your boyfriend thinks he can still influence and control you. But you are not his girlfriend anymore so do not allow him to do this to you. Make sure that somebody has made clear to him that you and the bestfriend are not going to get together and that you are not bitching about him to the bestfriend either (this is probably his other fear).

 

Keep doing no contact and just let him figure it out for himself. Do not mention your ex to the friend in common because it will seem like you are turning his friends against him or something. Just stand your ground and retain your friendship with the bestfriend. Your boyfriend just has to deal with it. It is not your problem.

 

Keep doing no contact and ignore his antics.

[Jerseygirl]

im reallllly tempted to call my ex and be like listen, i know we have our separate lives, and i would just appreciate it if u would not talk about me with ur friends (b/c i heard he is making me look like the bad guy and syaing how i was hanging out with his best friend)..like maybe say, i dont want to hear that he talks about me with other people...i just want to maybe clear things up with him should i call and try to get on good terms?? or should i keep no contact..?!

[kipster]

im reallllly tempted to call my ex and be like listen, i know we have our separate lives, and i would just appreciate it if u would not talk about me with ur friends (b/c i heard he is making me look like the bad guy and syaing how i was hanging out with his best friend)..like maybe say, i dont want to hear that he talks about me with other people...i just want to maybe clear things up with him should i call and try to get on good terms?? or should i keep no contact..?!

 

I would strongly urge you not to make that call if you ever want to get back with this guy! Let your behavior speak for itself. Why call him to tell him the obvious when your behavior is already saying it? I say calling him on talking to his 'friends' makes no sense. There his friends and by definition, they are not limited in the topics they discuss including you. Moreover, I think the mere fact that he's talking about you period should be taken as a positive since most people don't waste their time talking about someone they don't care about. Clearly he likes you still, that's obvious. But I'd also be leery of what you 'heard' from his 'best friend'. I don't believe anything this 'best friend' has to say especially if he's the mutual friend you described above. Sounds to me like that 'mutual friend' might actually like you himself and may be trying to get in close to you so that he can have a potential relationship with you (if his best friend and the mutual friend are the same guy). Don't go by what he says to his friends either...That's none-sense...Only go by what he does (i.e., his behavior) and what he says directly to you. The other stuff is of no consequence if you ask me..

 

And finally, why call him to 'get on good terms' if your friend has already cleared the air...I think you simply want to talk to him, not necessarily to get on good terms but because you miss him alittle bit...I say stay with no contact for now...what are you going to 'tell him' that he doesn't already know by your actions, anyways?

[kate111]

Jerseygirl,

 

Do NOT be tempted to call him up. As hard as this may be to admit to yourself, you are using this whole drama as a way to maintain contact with him. It is an excuse to keep the ties with him. I know, ive been there before.

 

Just be patient. The friends he is blabbing to will realise that you guys just broke up and they won't believe what he tells them anyway. Just keep being happy and have a good attitude. Be gracious and act like you are above it all. The truth will come out in the end. Just make sure that you don't say a bad word about him to anyone but your bestest girlfriend.

 

That way, when he starts talking about you being the bad guy and you are talking about other things, it just looks to others like he is the one hung up on you!

 

Just keep doing no contact. What he thinks is not the be all and end all. Just do not respond or get involved. Just keep your behaviour squeeky clean.

 

It will pay off.

[Jerseygirl]

ur right, thank u, im not going to call him..but what do u mean by "my behavior will show the obvious, so i dont have to tell him" ? what is my behavior showing to him?...and ur right, what he says to his friends i just shouldn't take to heart b/c hes a very private person and he never truly tells them how he feels...but if i have to rely on his behavior, then it is that he avoids me..what does that say? And also, if he likes me why is he acting so strongly as to avoid me?

[kipster]

ur right, thank u, im not going to call him..but what do u mean by "my behavior will show the obvious, so i dont have to tell him" ? what is my behavior showing to him??

 

I mean that often times people feel the need to TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING when their actions are already doing the TALKING. For instance, if you're not contacting him, what would be the purpose of contacting a person to tell them just that, "hey I think we shouldn't contact each other anymore". I'm not saying that is your situation but, I think you get the point. The idea is that your behavior is already speaking volumes, by not contacting him. So why then turn around and contact him to clear the air? Isn't the act of not contacting him, doing precisely that? Doesn't that action aid in 'clearing the air'? thereforeeee, there's no need to re-state the obvious.

 

...and ur right, what he says to his friends i just shouldn't take to heart b/c hes a very private person and he never truly tells them how he feels...but if i have to rely on his behavior, then it is that he avoids me..what does that say? And also, if he likes me why is he acting so strongly as to avoid me?

 

If he avoids you, I'd say its because he likes you. Do people actively avoid someone they don't like? No need, they don't matter. But someone you like, you may avoid because you may not feel confident that you can handle the situation. So you dodge them. Just like kids, if a boy likes a girl he may try to run at the sight of her. Not because he's doesn't like her, but instead because he may be bashful and not confident in being able to handle himself under the circumstances. I think your EX may be using this same strategy in this case.

[Jerseygirl]

i think ur 100% right...also considering that my ex is VERY immature, he handles situations like a little boy. thank you so much for your input. i guess i'll update if i need more advice..thanks a lot

[kate111]

No problem. Glad to be of assistance.

 

It is good to get an objective opinion isnt it?

 

Let me know how it goes.

 

I have a problem and could use some advice too. My problem is contained on the thread "why does the ex call?"

 

Thanks

[Jerseygirl]

ok so i am still doing no contact with him, i can tell he looks at me though in school, and is actively avoiding me. Anyways, i saw him holding his flings hands, and the way she was looking at him made me want to throw up. I tried not showing my feelings, but i did turn around and he saw, but that''s all. Luckily, i did the same thing to him, as 2 boys were all over me ..but not purposely, as he was walking down the hall. It was perfect timing i guess. But now i'm stuck. I fully have such angry feelings towards my ex b/c he is able to stand right next to my claassroom and hold her hand. I am thinking that i want to let him know that i dont want to talk to him nemore. I've been tyring to be all sweet, friendly etc. but at this point i think it would be better to let him know that im upset wth him bc 1) it will take power away from him and crush his ego as he realizes that the girl who used to beg anad plead now wants nothing to do with him 2) maybe this will reverse the situation...? he once told me he wants me out of his life, and thereforeeee i wanted to be in it..if i do the same, maybe he will react the way i did..not as obvious though...and 3) i personally would feel more powerful and in control if i make it clear to him that "I DONT WANT YOU EITHER"..even though i do ..i wouldnt be mean to him, i would just have him IM me ( i could have some1 tell him that my grandpa is sick..which he is...so then he would say sorry or something) either way, he would intiaite convo and i will simply say "honestly jared, i don't want to talk to you"...what do u guys think?

[bluecrush19]

hey guys- jersey i just went through basically the same thing.. altho we were not bf/gf in terms but we said dating.. its hard... we talked on the phone so much not any more.. he blocked me from aim..

 

the guy in my story is ignoring me now too .. i don't really kno why but who really does.. i sat on the couch w/ his best friend one night and he kept seeing what we were doing which was nothing but a few days later he said he wanted to be friends which is fine 'cause my feelings changed for him but i was upset w/ him so i donno if it really did change. i'm from a different state from him so i donno if i will ever kno.. i only met his friends once 'cause i'm from another state.. someone said maybe his friends were ragging on him 'cause he was always calling me and for like a month and a half we were together every weekend.. who knos..

 

life is just crazy!! i could go on and on about this topic.. you just never kno what will happen.. i thought about my actions before i did it and i didn' think anything would come of it.. 'cause we didn' do anything. o well we willsee what happens!!

[bluecrush19]

jersey- let me kno what happens... hang in there!! no Contact will let you both realize what you two need.. you kno... so maybe it will be for the best.. maybe you'll meet someone new.... hope all works out !!