Musings on post-breakup attraction

[Psych]

Hello, all. I thought maybe a discussion would shed some light on one subject that I have been thinking a lot about lately.

 

It seems that, when the dumper starts seeing other people while keeping contact with the ex, there are 2 general scenarios for how the presence of the ex affects the attraction of the newcomer.

 

Scenario A- The new acquaintance sees this contact with a very fresh ex as a sign that the dumper is not over their ex. The new acquaintance does not want to get in the middle of it, and backs off.

 

Scenario B- Knowing about this contact with the ex signifies that the ex may still pine for the dumper. This makes the dumper appear more attractive to the new acquaintance, and present a challenge, making the new person pursue this dumper even more.

 

What do you think this difference depends on? Does it matter what kind of person the ex is? (ie- classy, smart, successful, etc) Or is does it depend more on the new person, and whether or not they like a challenge? Do you think there are gender differences?

[ElChup]

Whichever scenario I think the ex is an idiot for hanging around and watching his love meet other people.

[nutbrownhare]

If the new person is someone who is emotionally available, they are more likely to back off from someone who is clearly not over their ex - and hence not really available; while someone who needs to keep a bit of distance will see the fact that their new partner is still not over the ex partly as a challenge, and will feel safe unconsciously because their capacity for intimacy is not threatened. This is really down to emotional health and emotional availability, which is not necessarily related to being classy, smart, successful etc. Or, come to that, to gender.

 

Often people who needed the challenge, or the thrill of the chase, will back off if it looks as though they've actually 'won' the partner. This is because they are now faced with the task of being consistently emotionally present to the other person, and that was NOT what drew them into the relationship in the first place.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is why I feel that it makes no sense to be friends with an "ex", until they are well over the relationship, and even then it would be "up in the air" on whether that is to be, or not.

[Psych]

Perhaps I should change my wording. I didn't mean new significant other, so much as a new acquaintance who seems interested in the dumper.

[BlueRizla]

This is bang on the money on EU. Well put NBH.