A Confuse Women in a Confuse world.

[WinterKitty]

So here I am, someone who needs to let it all out.

 

I need to start my life a new, and it's going to be hard.

 

I guess I knew it all along that I was in a toxic relationship. I cried... a lot... HOW could I let this man play me for a fool for 8 years. Now 8 years of my life is a wast. The years I was suppose to be traveling and partying and I spent it with a drug addicted LOSER!

 

I always told myself if I could go back and change everything I would! I would have never called him after the rave. I would have never went over to his house. I would have never had to live with his bull * * * * for 8 years!

 

Now I regret never being with ex. wasting so many years on this idiot.

 

I don't think my ex wants a relationship again. Well more like over the 8 years I just forced myself to believe it was over. I even prepared myself for the fact he might be married with kids now.

 

BUT he's not married... he is in the Military... He might be going back to Afghanistan. He keeps slipping out of my life. Maybe I deserve it I don't know.

 

BUT I am stuck with my fiancé for now. I need to get my nursing degree so I can get a job and get out of this house... I need to be on my own and spread my wings. See what kind of options there are for me. Begin to live my life again.

 

I don't want to be with my fiancé anymore. He has brought me nothing but stress and misery. I don't want to die of stress like my grandmother. Her husband (my grandfather) was a drunk gambling man who gambled and drank all their money away. My grandmother died of stress trying to keep her family a float.

 

No kids so no attachment, no marriage so no divorce... this relationship wasn't worth it anyways.

[WinterKitty]

So talked to my ex yesterday...

 

I longed for the days we use to write to each other, emails, letters, phone calls. Thinking about it back then and now always makes me smile.

 

When I was younger my heart always ached when I thought about not being with him. Cliche as it is my heart really felt like it shattered in a thousand pieces. I know sounds corny. I miss him so much!

 

I want to tell him I love him and how I want to be with him forever but I know that will never happen.

 

He's express he misses me too and miss the days we use to talk. How we open up to each other and since then haven't open up to anyone else. He told me how he was worried about me and the last time we talked we were mad at each other. We had a huge argument over my current fiancé. Only argument we had in the 3 years we knew each other.

 

I love him but I feel things are so bad that we can't go back. It's ok I think I came to terms with that, the though of it makes me want to cry. I been good about holding back the tears.

 

I wish I could tell him I need him, but it's ok I wont... but I will use him as my inspiration. Now that I have my ex back in my life as long as I have my fiancé I know I will never really get to be openly happy with my ex as friends.

My fiancé knows his way around a computer and I wouldn't be surprise if he found this all. I clear my cookies all the time... annoying I know... But he had program on my computer so he can access it at anytime... which was code for spy on you when you are not around me... he's done it before. I un-installed it months ago and he couldn't say anything. He has no reason to come into my laptop. I can fix the problem myself most of the time.

 

I like how my fiancé values his privacy but I have none of my own...

 

My fiancé has made me depress for a long time and I am sick of it. My ex is now contributing to this depression and I am sick of it.

 

I would rather have a open happy friendship with my ex, so i can visit and talk to him as I please then have to do it in secret. I've been VERY depress the last few days but this morning was a new day with a new idea.

 

I must say I love this website. Just the last few days I think I got the slap I needed. And getting to talk to my ex and know we are still close makes me feel so whole again.

 

As I said I don't expect our relationship back but having him in my life again is what I need!

[WinterKitty]

I can't believe my fiancé...

 

A typical grumpy morning for him. I woke him up in the afternoon. Since he NEVER tells me anything he say's "oh * * * * I need to go into the office today why did you not wake me earlier..." with his typical its all your fault and I just woke up so I can be pissy all I want attitude.

I told him in the past that I understand he can be grumpy in the morning, but not for hours on into the afternoon. I don't need attitude every morning from him.

Does he care? no. But if I happen to ever wake up a bit grumpy GOD forbid I ever be rude! His response to me is

"Oh poor baby! You need to go back to bed..." with a sarcastic tone.

 

I am not 5 years old but he tends to treat me that way.

 

He works from home most of the time. As a computer programmer he needs the peace and quite so he is allowed to work from home and come in if they need him to fix something or have a meeting.

 

Like always, how am I suppose to know. I usually tell him I haven't develop my mind reading powers yet, I am trying... sorry evolution kind of slows me down...

 

I asked what time he goes to work and he told me I need to be there soon.

I asked him if I could take a shower or will he not have time if I jump in first.

 

I happen to take 30 minute showers. It's my thinking time.

 

He told me to hurry and I said n/m just go. It took him 10 minutes to smoke his ciggy, and he waited another 20 minutes till his next smoke. As he went outside I ask him if he was going to shower soon.

 

He said I told you to go ahead and just hurry! I told him that I would have went 30 minutes ago if he was going to wait this long. I thought yoy had to be there soon and you DID tell me to hurry.

 

His said in his usual grumpy manner, "well I am not going to jump in the shower right away!"

 

Then why did he tell me to rush and hurry? In the end he left for work 2 1/2 hours after he woke up...

 

Some rush... he had time to have 4 ciggy's clean out his ash tray, pour me coffee. (because he knows I am mad)

 

I hate him trying to be charming when he knows he's done wrong. I also think he knows I been very un-happy this past year.

 

I don't need this attitude today! Can't he go through one morning without being a douche bag?

[Firiel]

Umm... why are you still with this man? You regret wasting 8 years of your life on him. Do you want to be back here 10 years from now regretting that you've spent 18 years of your life on him?

 

You can be strong and independent... you can leave.

[WinterKitty]

Umm... why are you still with this man? You regret wasting 8 years of your life on him. Do you want to be back here 10 years from now regretting that you've spent 18 years of your life on him?

 

You can be strong and independent... you can leave.

 

That was one of the major reasons why i came to this website. I was so confuse about him. It took me eight years to evaluate our relationship and I felt like such a fool.

 

I am doing all I can to find a job. I have been sick for awhile due to stress but now that I am feeling better it's time to look for a job.

 

When I am ready and prepared I am gone! I have warn him, several times, that I was not going to stick around for long if he kept treating me like * * * * .

AND I wont anymore. No more warnings. The other girl he's been lusting over... she can have him.

OH wait I forgot she is attempting to make up with her husband... I guess he will have no one.

 

I am sick of wasting tears on him, I am sick of him breaking my heart over and over, lying over and over...

 

Thanks for the encouragement! I am sick of living like this and I wont let him do this to me anymore.

 

I will be out of here soon as I have enough money for myself.

[WinterKitty]

What a messed up Self-centered BWord am I...

 

I been so self absorbed into myself lately, in my own problems. I just found out that my friend had a miscarriage a day ago. I knew she was having problems with this pregnancy and I just felt like I was fully there for her like a true friend should have been.

 

OH GOD I feel so bad. I just have a heart ache but she lost a baby... nothing is as bad as that in my eyes.

 

I guess cause my "inner clock" is going off and I want a baby... maybe one day in the right conditions.

 

BUT must have been so upset. She already has 4 beautiful kids, but she is a women who LOVES kids. She wants the big family. She has a wonderful man and life so she deserves it. She is such a kind person who only cares about other, I wish this did not happen to her. I feel so bad inside.

 

I guess my happy mood this morning is ruin, even if my fiancé was acting weird this morning. He seem shock I was up... I don;t care what he was hiding, not anymore.

[WinterKitty]

again he lied last night...

 

lie lie lie...

 

maybe I deserve it because of Karma...

I wasn't exactly the best girlfriend to my ex when we were going out, and the way I use to treat men.

 

yup it's karma.

 

I asked him last night if we could get some beer and something tacos cause I was in the mood.

 

His response was "well I don't have enough money this week."

I could understand this IF he wasn't lying about it, because an hour later when HE was hungry he decided we should go get tacos.

 

OFC since he said we didn't have any money I did what I usually do and order one or two things while he orders like 10 things and ends up spending 20+ $$$

Thats how he is at the store, sometimes all I want and really need is one silly 5-7$ items and he yells at me in the store for everyone to hear how I spend too much money. Then he likes to put in "Sorry if I don't make enough money for you!"

 

He knew since we first started to go out that money never mattered to me. And if it did, I sure shouldn't have been dating his poor ass for years. Now he has the audacity to say that to me in front of everyone. But if I ever say anything to offended him and make him look bad it's always

"shhh other people can hear you."

 

BUT again I forgot he is allowed to treat me like * * * * and be little me in front of people, but god forbid I say anything about him.

 

We fight so much and he is so loud that the people at the local store we go to gives us weird looks when we are there. I bet they are woundering when we are going to fight.

I already told my fiancé that we are embarrassing ourselves in public when he raises his voice but ofc again he doesn't care.

 

I am sick of him lying about money about everything. I am sick of this relationship.

[Firiel]

Do you have a friend you could stay with while you are looking for a job? I think right now your focus should be on getting out of there as soon as possible, even if that means getting a temporary job just to make ends meet while you live on your own.

[WinterKitty]

Do you have a friend you could stay with while you are looking for a job? I think right now your focus should be on getting out of there as soon as possible, even if that means getting a temporary job just to make ends meet while you live on your own.

 

I wish I could, but unfortunately I need to tie up a lot of loose ends. We have a cat together that we both love unconditionally, we have cars registered in both of our names and a house. e also have little items that we both bought together.

 

I don't know how I can leave most of my life behind when some of it is attached to him. If I tell him I want to leave he wont let me take anything, so it's kinda hard.

 

Another thing is I been lying to all my friends... they think I have this perfect, happy life... they all have such wonderful lives and in a way I did not want to be the odd one out. The only people who even know about my fiance's alter ego is my ex ans everyone here. XD

 

When we are out with people, even though he belittles me in

front of other people at times, he can surprisingly be VERY charming.

 

The way he goes back and forth makes me sick.

 

[WinterKitty]

Well he's doing it again... my fiance is VERY nice and attentive to me.

 

I wounder what he is guilty of this time.

To put him to the test I ask him if I can do a 100$ makeup haul and he said no at first but QUICKLY changed his mind.

 

Usually when he says no... then it's no... he's not the type to say maybe. From him you get a yes or no. When he changes his mind then I KNOW there has to be a reason because he NEVER changes his decision...

 

He was acting weird a few days ago and still is...

[WinterKitty]

Well I have not talk to my ex in two days... but thats ok, he told me he was a bit busy with this exercise.

 

lol I DO believe him but the silly part is I feel like he is lying to me.

Maybe I been so wrapped up in my fiances lies that I can't tell who is telling the truth anymore... idk...

 

BUT I know my ex. I know he would not lie to me.

 

The last message I got from him he told me he was having a ruff day and the next few days did not look to good either. He does not seem to care, he thinks it's just a job. He seems the same since we last talked but something does seem off about him.

 

He sounds like me, he sounds like he gave up on life. I can understand.

[WinterKitty]

So the last few days was a BIG emotional rollercoaster....

 

II had to force myself to be happy with my fiance... I am sick of these mind games they are literally killing me.

 

Everyday my spirit gets crushed more and more by him. The last mind game was so bad... I don,t even feel like talking about it.

 

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!

 

On the brighter side I am going to talk to some people to try to get my old job at Disneyland back. I know he didnt want me to get my job back a few years ago... the car ride was only 45 minutes, but ofc he was like gas this and long ride that and he didn't want me to.

 

Who is he to say what I can and can't do? I was happy at Disney land when I was working there. Also if I get a job there I can get away from him. Move to the place I wanted to move to, do what I want to do. I am sick of his controlling ways. I am not a child! I am sick of him treating me like one!

 

I want to scream I hate him so much! I am just stuck in this phase of how and why did it get to this point.

 

I just hope I can get my job back. I am really set on leaving! I just don't want to start all over again. I did it once and now I might have to do it again.

[WinterKitty]

UGH! So now that I am mad right now he wants to egg it on. HE accused me of putting his laptop in the sink...

 

I DIDN'T DO IT!

 

He left his stupid laptop in the bathroom! I just moved it aside, I certainly did NOT put it in the sink... and the way he reacted if it REALLY was in the sink he would be tearing the world a new * * * * * * * with his anger.

 

He just wanted something to * * * * * at me at!!! Just cause I am mad and wants to turn this * * * * around like always, because in the end I am the * * * * * and he is the one who can do and say nothing wrong!!!

 

I am losing my mind... Sorry for the cursing... I just talk alike a sailor when I am mad. But I was raise by a Navy man.