I'm married but I can't stop thinking about another man

[HurtHeart]

I have been married for almost 4 years. I used to be head over heals for my husband - he was the most wonderful man. Somewhere sometime - something has changed. He has proceeded to shock me and hurt me more than I ever thought he would. I truly believe he has cheated on me, although he won't admit it (I do have many suspicious actions that have led me to believe this, and outsiders have made comments). He has hurt me emotional to the point that I have broke down crying while on vacation with his family in front of all of them, and to top it off he was completely detached from me my entire pregnancy and he has stopped giving me gifts and things on special occaisions (valentines day, mother's day, etc) although I ALWAYS make sure I do something special for him.

 

Having said all that, I will say he is a good dad and he says he wants to make it work between us. The problem is, I don't. I can't let all of this go. I am so angry that he doesn't treat me with the respect or care that I give to him. Now I have grown attached to a male friend of mine, he is also married. Nothing has happened between us at all, but I think about him alot. I know he is equally attracted to me and he and his wife have thier share of difficulties too. I used to think my husband was the perfect man and now I know there is no such thing. I love my husband but I don't feel in love with him anymore. We have not been intimate in 3 months, my emotions won't allow me to be with him, I am so turned off.

 

I don't know what to do. Honestly I would like to just be by myself, for him to move out. I know this thing with the other man is impossible, and I surely don't want to aid in the break up/difficulties of someone elses marriage. But I just can't stop thinking about him, I want to talk to him, it doesn't even have to be sexual, ya know?

 

Advice is welcome! Sorry this is so long, and I feel like I've left so much out...

[mermayd]

You are in a difficult situation, here. I can offer my 2 cents, but You really should consider what your heart truly tells you to do, and follow that. You won't go wrong.

My 2 cents:

Have you considered marraige/couple's therapy?? It could be to your advantage to do so. Or create your own sessions together. Assign a particular day(s) and time for you two to sit down and talk about issues that bother each of you for about a hour or so. An hour at least. You need to express your concerns to eachother and try to work through them. Every realationship takes effort and hard work in order to succeed in happiness. And nothing will ever be 100%, in other words, you cannot set high expectations of having the perfect marraige that you dreamed about as a kid. There will be problems that you need to overcome. And this will be in ANY relationship. Try to mend one thing before you skip off to something else. And take into consideration the importance of having a LOVING family and a father for your child. Do not raise them in an unhappy marraige because that would turn to be worse than if you each separated and he/she saw your love and his love rather than witnessing hate and anger between you. But it is important to try to solve things between you in order for your child to be brought up in a loving family with you BOTH. I hope you can clarify this difference if I haven't made it completely difficult to understand...

But I need to stress this: If you feel that this nmarraige is no where near being able to be saved and you KNOW that it is doomed and you will be unhappy in it for as long as it lasts, then please, make yourself happy and do what your heart tells you to do. I just think that putting some effort to mend it shoudl be considered. You know what is best for yourself and your child. I hope this helped

[simulacra]

I don't think I am in the position to give you any marriage/relationship advice, but there is one thing that is on my mind. Put your children 's well-being and happiness before your own. Perhaps this is what your husband is doing despite his changed feelings. As you said, he is a good father, so he must have some sound sense of family at least. Ask yourself if raising your children together with this man is the best environment for your children. Do you and your husband have loud, drawnout arguments or are the disputes passive ones? Speaking from personal experience, children can sense the tension between the parents too regardless of whether or not there are explicit arguments. If the family unit is not functioning properly (ie. to foster the happiness of the children) then the children will be affected. It is not necessarily better or worse for children to be raised in single-parent families, but if they can sense something lacking in the home (ie. hositities, infidelity, lack of love, etc), then they will be bearing an unnecessary burden. You need to assess this carefully, and perhaps with your husband, to decide what is best for your children. Sometimes couples think that they will stay married for the sake of the children, but what they don't realize is that they are causing more stress by being in a dead marriage.

[sisterlynch]

I agree will both the previous callers, but I have one more point to add. Having a child is a lot of work, if you are still working and/or going to school that takes a lot out of a person. In addition to all the other stresses, you are in a bad place in your relationship with the father, so that makes it doubly hard to handle.

 

You are right in staying away from the other guy's marriage. Let us stand by that one.

 

You probably need counceling for this one. I think that you can stay together for the children and still have a wonderful marriage. You will need to work out your own reasons for what you are about to do. Don't stay for the emotional abuse. You will be teaching your children to put up with this kind of abuse too.

 

I am so sorry that he is acting so poorly lately. You deserve better. Figure out what your boundaries are, take a look at what you will accept and what you wont. If he takes a step out of line tell him you won't put up with that anymore. He is acting like a 16 year old!

Don't let him!