broke no contact in a bad way

[murrayfaces]

I screwed up relatively big-time yesterday. I got ahold of my ex's cell phone #, and in a drunken stupor, called the number and hung up several times. Then, I played a song from a commercial which I assume he would know was coming from me. Well, I wake up this morning to him calling and griping me out, and then putting some girl on the phone, which was somewhat upsetting(we're both guys). She was polite and calm, while he was irate and mean in the background. He, in his always wonderful fashion, was shouting really mean, personal things to attack me, as though he and I weren't together a few months ago.

 

But, I just came to this awesome realization, which I'm still trying to digest. Now I know that I don't want to/can't be friends with this idiot. Even though it's hard to let go of 15 years of friendship/love, I have to, and that argument this morning, and the horrible things he said, made me realize that this is not the person I once loved. That person is gone, and this isn't even a poor replication of the original. What happened to that person is a mystery wrapped up in the question of what happened to us, our relationship. And, I used to think that I couldn't go on without knowing those answers. Well, that's silly. I've had 2 months to ponder it, and I know what the real answer is - he's trying to shield and distance himself from ever having anything to do with me - another guy. Regret, shame, guilt, I don't exactly know what bones are in this closet on this issue, but he doesn't want them exposed, at any cost. Plus, could I be friends with someone who completely denies that we were ever involved together, even though everyone else saw it, too. No way!

[GimmeASpork]

It sounds like you've realized that you don't deserve to be mistreated. It's his problem that he can't deal with the relationship he had with you. You've made a big step in being able to leave all that behind you and move forward. I'm very glad for you.

[murrayfaces]

thanks for your response.

I know I HAVE to move on for my own safety(he was abusive and violent, and went through spells of peeing on the floor in drunken stupors.) I don't know how it happened, but I got attached to his violent behavior. Sad that bad attention was better than no attention in our relationship. Moving on shouldn't be that hard for me, because I had already been hoping for it the last few months we were still living together, but not together sexually, or even as best friends anymore. Strange thought, I am not a violent person, but for some reason he turned me into this person who punched walls, kicked in doors, I guess in response to him. I am not that person. Maybe that's the person he wanted, and when he realized I'm not violent, he wasn't interested in making our relationship work anymore. People ask me how crazy he really was, well, he used to put out lit cigarettes on his arms, took a huge kitchen fork to his chest, and other self-mutiliation techniques.

 

And wait a minute, I want(ed) this person back, why???????????

[Liz2]

Ugh. The whole thing sounds awful so, even though this is so cliched, you are better off without him. It's very difficult when a relationship ends to see how messed up it was and how you deserve better. The natural thing is, because your heart is broken etc, focus on the loss. I think everybody should allow that to happen b/c it is part of the cycle. And it sucks but it's temporary. Eventually, you have to consciously stop. You have to focus on the bad stuff. Everytime you get a little pang of sadness, train yourself to think of how messed up he was and tell yourself that is not normal in a loving relationship. It takes effort initially but eventually it will be second nature, and then, you realize it's truthful and you begin to end the grief. It's a process. But worth it. Because everybody deserves a healthy, loving relationship. And they are possible. You just have to consider yourself now on the road to finding one. We all have had relationships that don't work and should try to pull a lesson from the big pile of hurt and junk thats left when a relationship end. I did this when I ended a 5 year relationship and now, even though i have contact with my ex, I am certain that I will never go back to destructive, abusive relationships. It's a step forward. And you will get there but you have to work on it.

Recently, I went through a bad breakup. I had three months of 'destructive' behavior or just doing stuff that helped dull the emotions But, I broke the cycle because it was full of quick fixes. I decided to do positive things that HELP me develop and grow, rather than stuff that isn't doing anything but easing my pain. Again, it's work but will make permanent changes in you for the future.

One last thing: Based on your post, I'm wondering if this guy was struggling with his sexuality. I mean, he was with a girl when he called you. If he isn't bisexual do you think that he isn't ready to deal with the fact that he's gay? That may explain some of his bahavior and mistreatment of you. He amy be dealing with an inner conflict and that is HIS sh** to deal with. You should make him own it. Deal with it. It's not your problem - you seem like you are comfortable with who you are. Perhaps he is not there yet. And, if that's the case, that is baggage that you DON'T need.

Good luck. And post your thoughts on my suggestions..

[murrayfaces]

Thanks for the response. Yes, I definitely went through the period where I pretended everything had been SO great in our relationship, and that nothing bad had ever happened. But, there are enough holes in the walls in my house(notice I'm not calling it "our" house anymore), and reminders of physical abuse I had been put through, that I couldn't keep pretending. It was a horrible, rotten mess of a relationship, and I feel AWESOME now(possibly because I'm now 3 time zones away in lovely mid-70's degree weather, much a change from rotten Texas weather). No, I didn't have to come all the way out to California just to forget about how abusive our relationship was, but it has helped, because I don't have to see people that are mutual friends, or run into him, or all of that crap. This has given me the time to see that there are different people out there, and hopefully are willing to enter into a non-abusive committed relationship.

 

As for him and his struggling sexuality, you are totally correct. Men don't sleep with men for months at a time, tell them they love each other....if they are 100% straight. I don't necessarily believe that everyone falls into the perfectly gay-straight-bi tags, but what we had was really gay. I think he's ashamed of it, because he's got alot of baggage from his past. I don't really know what that baggage is, but he has an ambiguously gay sister, so maybe he's just afraid of putting his parents through having two gay children. Oddly, out here in California, I am staying with my best friend who's known him for almost 20 years. She reminds me constantly that I deserve better, and that basically I got taken for a ride. Luckily, she doesn't have to do that much anymore, because I've accepted it for myself. No matter what his motives were in our relationship, the relationship was filled with one-way giving, and alot of abuse, physical and mental. At least now I don't have to worry about where he is in my car, who he may be sleeping with on the side, etc....I am much safer now, and way more ready to find someone decent to settle down with, although maybe not immediately.

So you say you still have contact with your abusive ex....are you entirely OK with that?

[Liz2]

Glad you replied. I'm unfortunately running out the door b/c I am late for a b-day celebration. PM me and I'll respond tomorrow (PM only because I may forget!) I'd love to chat - can share a lot with you, plus give some insight.