Help me I am in so much pain.

[lonelyscared]

A few months ago I can home from work to find out once again my husband was out drinking and had no plans to be with me. This happened alot but this is my second marriage and I am still in love with him and so I go to bed at 8pm on a Friday in tears. I get up on Saturday he leaves before I wake and does not come home till 5 or 6 not evening by then I drank a bottle in a half of wine and was a mess. He told me that my kids and I were nothing. Which by the way my 14 year old was away for the weekend and my daughter almost 18 was not home. Well I grabbed a bottle of pills and took them all. They took me to the hospital and I don't remember much but the next morning I woke up in ICU and my family told me my husband left. Not just moved out but left the state on a job. Not even caring if I was ok. I was put in a area in the hospital for a couple of days. When I got out I went home and he took all his stuff. I was leaving with him in the house his business owns and I could not stay so I packed up my children and myself and moved in with my mother. Big mistake.

 

But any how it has been 3 months and I am renting a house close to work. But I do nothing I sit home waiting for him to call. I cry every night. He calls daily and when he wants comes over and stays. I can't seem to stop this. He says he want a divorce but he still wants to date. Why can't I let go. What do I do? I feel so lonely and scared.

 

But now my daughter turned 18 a month ago and got in trouble with the police again. And took off to Texas.

 

I just have had really bad things happen for the last 6 years and I want some happiness. I can I find it in me?? How can I let go?? I am afraid I am moving back to the person I was in February when I gave up. I don't want to be. But I have nothing right now but pain. I need it to stop!!

 

Please can anyone help me!!!

[TheRock]

Hey there lonely,

 

I am sorry you are in such a difficult state. I know it is hard.

 

I have some advice for you, but it will take an effort on your part. The first thing is to stop drinking and taking drugs if you do either of these things recreationally. They might seem to ease the pain when you are drunk or high, but it only serves to worsen the pain when you are not using them. they also serve to weaken your self-esteem if you don't have any control over them, so try to stop this. You seem to have an addictive personality from what I can tell. I am not sure though. Only you know this.

 

The second thing is to try and limit contact with your husband. The difficult part will be the kids though. Definitely DO NOT date him like he wants to. It will be difficult to do this because you feel so weak right now, but it is the best thing for your own self-worth. Remember that (self-worth) is what you really are looking for. You will not find it in him. You will only be able to find it in yourself. Cut him out of your life and build up your own life.

 

My last bit of advice is to forgive yourself for the way you think you acted badly. Stop beating yourself up. Become a better friend to yourself and start doing things you like to do. If it feels self indulgent, that is a good thing right now. Also use this website for support. There are a lot of good people on this website, so lean on them when you need to, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Good luck and be well.

[lisaria]

Hey lonelyscared,

Listen to the Rock, he knows what he's talking about.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. How men can do this to us is beyond me (sorry good guys). I've been divorced and on my own for more than six years and let me tell you...it's scary. But you can do it. First thing you need to do is get rid of that scumbag. You try to kill yourself and this a@@ goes off? Doesn't stick around to make sure you're ok? What is wrong with him??? Get rid of him. He doesn't deserve anything you give him. How dare he even come around for pete's sake! He's got alot of nerve. How long have you been married? Even if it is your second marriage and I'm sure you're feeling like you can't keep relationships together but you can. Lots of hard work but one day....After my last ex left me...excuse me...he DUMPED me...I thought there was something so wrong with me that he didn't want to stay. That he cheated because there was something wrong with me...B@llSh#t!!!!!!! My ex was a dirtbag it had nothing to do with me. The bad thing is I still want him. Your is a dirtbag too and it has nothing to do with you. They choose to act the way they do. We also have our choices. I know its hard to realize that right now, but you CHOOSE. You choose to stay home and wait for him. Don't do that anymore. Make strong choices. Choices that are GOOD for you and your kids. Exercise is one of the best things you can do. Even though you want him back right now, don't. Don't let him in until you are much stronger. It's been so long since I've had an actual conversation or an email from my ex but I still remember what he sounds like, his style of emailing, his face. All of him. I would not contact him though. I am too proud. I've had my moments, just look at some of my posts here. But people helped me see that it's not the best for me and I took some of the advice and I at least have my self-respect. Get yours back hon.

 

I'm going to tell you to do something debisfun told me...Get the book Women Who Love Too Much. If you're not ready to read it yet, get it and save it. It will help alot. I've started on it and it sounds like me to a T.

Get up and get moving. Your kids are watching you. They need you and you need them. You have to get your sh#t together for them. Are you seeing a counsellor? On antidepressants? If not talk to your doctor if you can't do that then call a helpline. There is help out there. And there is always this forum. It has saved my sanity more than once. Just reading the posts helps. You're not alone here.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. If you want to PM me I am always here for you. We all are. Hang in and get through the days one minute at a time. Take back your power. You do have it, we just can't find it sometimes. Look for it and take it! Be strong for your kids.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Please take care.

Lisa

[lonelyscared]

I am in counciling but I just don't feel like it is helping. Maybe I am trying to hard and except to much to fast. I am not.

 

Well I am lucking for my children well atleast one. My oldest is out of control. I have tried to help her but now that she is 18 I get no where.

 

I don't do drugs but I do have a glass of wine here and there. I am not a big drinker. I am on Provac and I am not sure that is helping either.

 

I just can not figure out what to do with myself. I love doing genealogy but never have much time. I can't afford to do much and my son is always busy. I do work alot to keep my mind off things.

 

When I go home I start thinking and thinking gets me more crazy. I know I need to do things. But I never do it. I had a friend ask me to dinner 3 times now and I always back out.

 

How do I let go?? How do I become a friend to myself? I am not sure I even like myself! I need change but saying it and doing it is one thing.

[lisaria]

hey lonelyscared,

If I knew how to do that I don't think I'd be here.

You are obviously depressed. How long have you been taking the prozac? It could take weeks for it to kick in. I took it when my ex-husband and I were going through our separation and divorce and it probably saved my life. I became a new person. I was also going to therapy and that takes a long time. But hang in there with it. Anytime you can talk to someone that doesn't judge you and can help you figure out why things happen then it's got to be good.

You say you don't have much time to do geneaology? But you have alot of time to sit around and think? Come on g/f. Do you have a comp at home? You can do loads of research online. The public library. Is there a geneaology group in your town? What else are you interested in? I took up tarot recently which has given me hours that I don't think of my ex and anything that can do that is the best. Plus it's helping me work on my intuition which I believe in, just quit trusting mine when d!(khea@ cheated. How spiritual are you? Do you believe in angels? They are there for you. I do believe that.

I have a drink every now and then too. I don't drink too much because I'm afraid if I got buzzed I'd call the sob and I can't do that. I'd break down and beg him to come back.

Just hang in there lonelys. There seem to be times in our lives when everything feels wrong and nothing goes right. But they pass. This will too. Sometimes what comes after is so much better than what you thought you had. I can't wait for that phase to come to me. It seems to be taking an awful long time, but maybe it will be worth the wait. I think it will. God I hope it will!!!

I don't know if this helps any, but maybe I've given you something to think about. Something besides your ex maybe???

Lisa

[princesa]

Hi there.

 

Listen to Lisaria...she always has the best advice anyways

Look...it's soooo difficult sometimes, I really ask myself often why does everything always have to be so damn difficult...but if it wasn't so, would we feel this alive, could we then appreciate the good times when they eventually come? My life is a real roller coaster, too...somehow I seem to fall into this terrible hole every second year = all of the sudden I realise I'm unemployed, dumped, heart broken, sick, broke....Really, this almost is so pathetic i have to laugh!

Why am I telling you this? Because our greatest glory is not in never failing but in always rising again!!! You are a great person, so am I,...and we CAN rise again!! Like in all those extreme makeover shows they have on tv, instead of our looks we can improve our inner feeling, we can start liking ourselves again, we can rise and thrive again! this may sound stupid, but believe us...bad times never last forever. Never.

In my country we say: if bad times seem to be lasting very long, happiness can't be far away anymore!

 

C'mon. You'll be fine...just believe in yourself. we'll be here for you.

 

Lots of hugs from Central Europe,

Princesa

[lonelyscared]

I would like to Thank you all. I am going to start today new and not going to talk to him today when he calls I won't answer. This is so hard for me I will probably have another crying spell.

 

I also made plans today with a friend to go to dinner. But I just need to follow though with it.

 

I also have to clean my daughters room up tonight which that will keep me busy. But there is alot of bad things going on with her right and she took off. She is 18 but she is really made a mess in her life by running off with this loser boyfriend.

 

I have it coming at all ends and have for 5 years. I just want it to get better. And feel better about myself. And have my family butt out. My mother and sister are driving me nuts. They think they know it all.

 

Thank You

[lisaria]

Hey lonelys,

Listen to princesa, she knows what she's talking about.

I like your saying about the happiness not being far away. Makes me think that it's nearly here. I agree Princesa, it does come in cycles. This is just a down cycle which means the up cycle is not far away. The Wheel of Fortune in the tarot cards. I am learning something new.

lonely, I hope you went out to dinner with your friend tonite. Lots of times I still have to force myself to go out. It's hard sometimes... just getting out the door takes major effort.

And it's ok if you cry. I still cry alot. You've got alot going on. Don't be hard on yourself. Didn't you do the best that you could? That's all that matters. Your daughter is old enough to make her own mistakes and unfortunately she will. You want to protect them and make sure they make the right choices but they have alot to learn. One thing they have to learn the hard way is that maybe mama was right about some things. I just hate it for you and her. But make sure she knows you love her no matter what. That's the most important thing.

Your ex should get lost and stay lost. Do you think you miss him or the possibilities that you saw in the beginning? I miss the promises and the potential my ex and I had for the greatest love story since Antony and Cleopatra. Minus the snake of course. But I have to accept that it will never be. I want to cry just writing that sentence. It still hurts. I think it will always ache to think of him but I am moving on.

You must concentrate on you and your kids. To hell with him. I've never met him and I really don't like him. I'm sorry.

Anyway I am ranting a little tonite and getting sidetracked and just all over the place with this. But I just want to say that you are strong. You've been knocked down once or twice, we all have. But we all got right back up and kept going. Just like you. So stand up tall and proud. You're a survivor. We are all survivors. And our exes can all go straight to hell!!!!!

Lisa

[lonelyscared]

Well I have not talked to him yet. But my friend came over we sat outside a nd enjoy the nice weather. And just talking her husband left her 3 years ago and is still string her along. You know she told me tonight with all I have been though she was proud of how I handled it. There more stuff which has happen I just could never write it all. But if I ever decide to write a book it would be interesting reading.

 

I had pretty messed up parents and one is very controlling and

I had to live with her when I moved out in February.  I had no where else to go.  But when I moved out last month into my own place she told we what a loser I was.

But she has been this way all my life and I guess I should have excepted it from her.

She has always treated my sister and I like crap.  But now my sister acts just like her.

I just thank god I have my son.  He is a good boy and is the only thing that keeps me going.

My Ex and I were a great love story at first but he changed.  What a jerk!!  We had it all and he choose drinking and his mommy over me.  

Back in November he brought his Uncle home and the Uncle made a pass at me when I said something and got mad he told me his Uncle was more important then I was.  I left that night and I should have stayed gone.  I could kick myself for not staying gone.  But I can do it now right.  

I am so afraid I will be alone forever.  But I will not,  I might be alone a while but I will find myself some where out there.

[lonelyscared]

Oh no he has called twice in the last few help me gain the strength. I did not anwser.

[lisaria]

Hey lonely,

What happened? Did he contact you again and did you talk to him?

It sounds like you came from an abusive home and ended up in one. We all re-do the same mistakes over and over until we learn something. Believe me, I'm still working on my learning.

I think that being afraid we'll be alone the rest of our lives is a very real fear, especially for someone my age. But I also think there are other people that will come into my life and yours that we WILL NOT be alone forever. There is a reason we've been hurt like we have and it does mean that we will have something better come into our lives. Who? I don't know. But I've had two big relationships in my life since my divorce. And looking back they have gotten better in some aspects, hurts worse at the ending, but better times and more good things in them. Which why I honestly believe the next will be even better. I can't wait. There is better out there for you, but you also have to be in the right frame of mind to accept it and to feel like you deserve it. It is hard work, especially at the beginning when they've just left. But anyway...I got carried away.

What has happened lonely?

Lisa

Lisa

[lonelyscared]

Well I never talked to him last night. But today at work he called and I answered. Was much I could do then. He wanted to know if I got my alimony check yet. He was suppost to pay me in April. Which I did.

Boy I need that. But he is a month behind and this was his first payment.

 

Loser

 

I am happier today but I have good days and bad days.

 

I was so happy my friend came over last night it helped me alot just having someone there.

 

I am still at work but it is slow today. I wish I could go home.

 

Well I better find something to do.

[lisaria]

hey lonely,

I know...we all have those days where they are the first things on our minds and the last things. I'm glad you're feeling better.

Today is a good day for me too. And we're really slow here at work also. But I've only got about 20 minutes to go. Yes!

Lisa

[princesa]

hi there,

 

I hope you are still doing fine, at least "better"...

 

I noticed something hilarious today and it reminds me of Lisa saying earlier that we are all survivors...well, it happens that my cell phone rang (no...it wasn't him...) and I realised= remembered that the ring tone is Destiny's Child's "Survivor"...in fact I had installed that tone 3 years ago, when I was veeeery heart broken, too. Because of another guy. Some years have passed and here we go again...I had even got so used to that ring tone and never changed it that I didn't remember why I chose it in the first place!!!

 

So I want to stress once again that we will make it, other people will come that we'll love and that'll love us...unfortunately we may get heart broken again, too...but hey, this is life. It's never only bad times or only pure happiness. There are storms only before the calm...

 

Princesa

[lonelyscared]

I am doing ok. Just going nuts my Dad is in the hospital 6 hours away in ICU. But I finally got news they are moving him out of ICU.

 

But anyhow I am going to get out of the house tonight with a friend. Which will be fun.

 

I have this Ex boyfriend which we are now friends who keeps calling too trying to get me to go to dinner with him. But I am not sure that it is a good idea. I need go get through this divorce.

 

My divorce is supposst to happen in July on the 7th. Which is going to be a mess. He owns his own company with a partner and I put up money when he first started before he he had a partner so we are going after his half of the business which we would half mine. Plus the property we owned. He has hidden money for years and left me broke and to pay all the bills. Trust I have been a real dumb a@s. I will be glad when it is over maybe that will help me move on.

 

Well I am going to go outside and get some sun talk to you soon.