lonelyscared

I am doing ok. Just going nuts my Dad is in the hospital 6 hours away in ICU. But I finally got news they are moving him out of ICU. But anyhow I am going to get out of the house tonight with a friend. Which will be fun. I have this Ex boyfriend which we are now friends who keeps calling too trying to get me to go to dinner with him. But I am not sure that it is a good idea. I need go get through this divorce. My divorce is supposst to happen in July on the 7th. Which is going to be a mess. He owns his own company with a partner and I put up money when he first started before he he had a partner so we are going after his half of the business which we would half mine. Plus the property we owned. He has hidden money for years and left me broke and to pay all the bills. Trust I have been a real dumb a@s. I will be glad when it is over maybe that will help me move on. Well I am going to go outside and get some sun talk to you soon.

Well I never talked to him last night. But today at work he called and I answered. Was much I could do then. He wanted to know if I got my alimony check yet. He was suppost to pay me in April. Which I did. Boy I need that. But he is a month behind and this was his first payment. Loser I am happier today but I have good days and bad days. I was so happy my friend came over last night it helped me alot just having someone there. I am still at work but it is slow today. I wish I could go home. Well I better find something to do.

Oh no he has called twice in the last few help me gain the strength. I did not anwser.

Well I have not talked to him yet. But my friend came over we sat outside a nd enjoy the nice weather. And just talking her husband left her 3 years ago and is still string her along. You know she told me tonight with all I have been though she was proud of how I handled it. There more stuff which has happen I just could never write it all. But if I ever decide to write a book it would be interesting reading. I had pretty messed up parents and one is very controlling and I had to live with her when I moved out in February. I had no where else to go. But when I moved out last month into my own place she told we what a loser I was. But she has been this way all my life and I guess I should have excepted it from her. She has always treated my sister and I like crap. But now my sister acts just like her. I just thank god I have my son. He is a good boy and is the only thing that keeps me going. My Ex and I were a great love story at first but he changed. What a jerk!! We had it all and he choose drinking and his mommy over me. Back in November he brought his Uncle home and the Uncle made a pass at me when I said something and got mad he told me his Uncle was more important then I was. I left that night and I should have stayed gone. I could kick myself for not staying gone. But I can do it now right. I am so afraid I will be alone forever. But I will not, I might be alone a while but I will find myself some where out there.

I would like to Thank you all. I am going to start today new and not going to talk to him today when he calls I won't answer. This is so hard for me I will probably have another crying spell. I also made plans today with a friend to go to dinner. But I just need to follow though with it. I also have to clean my daughters room up tonight which that will keep me busy. But there is alot of bad things going on with her right and she took off. She is 18 but she is really made a mess in her life by running off with this loser boyfriend. I have it coming at all ends and have for 5 years. I just want it to get better. And feel better about myself. And have my family butt out. My mother and sister are driving me nuts. They think they know it all. Thank You

I am in counciling but I just don't feel like it is helping. Maybe I am trying to hard and except to much to fast. I am not. Well I am lucking for my children well atleast one. My oldest is out of control. I have tried to help her but now that she is 18 I get no where. I don't do drugs but I do have a glass of wine here and there. I am not a big drinker. I am on Provac and I am not sure that is helping either. I just can not figure out what to do with myself. I love doing genealogy but never have much time. I can't afford to do much and my son is always busy. I do work alot to keep my mind off things. When I go home I start thinking and thinking gets me more crazy. I know I need to do things. But I never do it. I had a friend ask me to dinner 3 times now and I always back out. How do I let go?? How do I become a friend to myself? I am not sure I even like myself! I need change but saying it and doing it is one thing.

A few months ago I can home from work to find out once again my husband was out drinking and had no plans to be with me. This happened alot but this is my second marriage and I am still in love with him and so I go to bed at 8pm on a Friday in tears. I get up on Saturday he leaves before I wake and does not come home till 5 or 6 not evening by then I drank a bottle in a half of wine and was a mess. He told me that my kids and I were nothing. Which by the way my 14 year old was away for the weekend and my daughter almost 18 was not home. Well I grabbed a bottle of pills and took them all. They took me to the hospital and I don't remember much but the next morning I woke up in ICU and my family told me my husband left. Not just moved out but left the state on a job. Not even caring if I was ok. I was put in a area in the hospital for a couple of days. When I got out I went home and he took all his stuff. I was leaving with him in the house his business owns and I could not stay so I packed up my children and myself and moved in with my mother. Big mistake. But any how it has been 3 months and I am renting a house close to work. But I do nothing I sit home waiting for him to call. I cry every night. He calls daily and when he wants comes over and stays. I can't seem to stop this. He says he want a divorce but he still wants to date. Why can't I let go. What do I do? I feel so lonely and scared. But now my daughter turned 18 a month ago and got in trouble with the police again. And took off to Texas. I just have had really bad things happen for the last 6 years and I want some happiness. I can I find it in me?? How can I let go?? I am afraid I am moving back to the person I was in February when I gave up. I don't want to be. But I have nothing right now but pain. I need it to stop!! Please can anyone help me!!!