Is this the end, or is there still hope?

[snowwflake]

Sorry for being so long winded!

 

My boyfriend and I were going out for a year, we met through mutual friends. It was a very intense relationship, and after about 6 months we saw each other every day. At the start i was very independent and strong, however around 9 months into our relationship I was going through a very hard stage in my life, I started to feel very insecure about myself and suddenly got low self esteem. this made me very possesive and clingy, and very jealous of my boyfriend's exes, always asking for reasurance. He did start off by reassuring me but after a while it got too much and we had a couple of big arguements. He decided to take a step back and suggested we go on a couple of dates a week. After 3 days no contact, he called me to say he really missed me and was worried I may have fallen out of love with him as I hadnt contacted him, that he had never stopped loving me, I said I was just giving him the space he wanted. He said he didn't want that much space and missed my texts. The next day we went out for a drink which was nice, but things started to move too fast after that and we ended up sleeping together and falling back into seeing each other loads and callng every day. This meant none of our old issues were resolved and we had a big argument on the phone after a few weeks after I wanted to see him but he wanted space but I begged to see him as I was lonely. I said I love you but he said he couldn't say that back right now even though he had said it the day before, so I assumed he was just angry. The next day we had a meal out with his family and we were getting on fine again, but the day after he decided to break up with me. He said that the relationship wasn't working, he had tried to make it work by doing the dating thing but not enough had changed. I said we went too fast, he agreed. he said he wanted no contact for 6-7 weeks and then we could met up and see how the other is. he said its in between a break up and a break, but he doesn't know what will happen in the future. He was going to concentrate on himself in this time, said I should do the same. He said I meant so much to him and that he cares so much which means he cant just put a full stop on it, he couldnt bear to lose me from his life. He didnt want me to spend this time hoping, and to take it as a break up. But he also said that anything can happen, but there is a good chance this is the end. this has made it difficult to stop hoping everything will be ok. he said perhaps the best ending would be to be friends as the relationship has been such hard work recently, and caring so much for the other isnt enough to make a relationship work. Its now been about 2.5 weeks since then. we have given each others stuff back. In this time i did a lot of thinking and realised the cause of my sudden behavious change. I was raped about 3 months before we started to go out (he did know of this) but never really spoke about it to anyone, i think this was affecting my self esteem and making me so needy. I wrote him an email explaining this and saying i should have sought help sooner, and i understand why he felt he had to run away and that i wish i could do the same, but its time i sort it out and will speak to a therapist. He hasn't replied and heard from mutual friends he really cares but is worried about what to say. On facebook he has blocked me from seeing his wall posts, but my sister says there is nothing new on his wall so perhaps he just wants to prevent me from 'spying' on him?

 

Do you think there is any chance for us? I am doing all I can to solve my personal issues and giving him the space he needs, now not going to conact him until he contacts me. I dont know if i can be freinds with him, but think that is all he wants for now. Do you think that if we start seeing each other again in a few weeks as friends and sees how i am improving myself there will be a chance he sees hope for our relationship to progress? I think he still loves me but couldnt cope with the stress, now he has space to do his own thing he will be able to see things more clearly. Also, now he knows the problems were caused by something outside our relationship, does it increase our chances?

[thinkingitover]

It's a tricky one. You should definitely get some support so you can really find out how the rape is affecting you. Don't think about yourself having 'personal problems' though, and don't believe that you need to be fixed. You may never understand how such a harrowing experience has changed you, but don't blame it on everything - you can still be in control of your life, and you can still be the person you want to be. It may take longer for you to trust people, and you may find that certain situations trigger an unwelcome emotional response, but by recognising what these triggers are, it will help you begin to understand why you react a certain way when someone says or does something.

 

While I would say the rape was contributory to some of the issues you have recognised, there will still be other personal factors affecting how the relationship works. Some of these will be your own natural personality clashing with his, and vice versa. Also if you don't know much about his history and family background then that could actually be a big factor too in how the relationship has gone.

 

What doesn't help is that it also sounds like he's not being as honest and open as he could be about how he feels, or maybe he doesn't actually know. Try and look at the facts, rather than second-guessing him and yourself. Does he love you? If you can't give a yes or know answer to this, then accept it's a 'don't know', rather than guess and get it wrong, because this may have a negative effect on your emotions when it needn't do. Thinking too much about it and trying to interpret things he has said or done could end up with you blaming yourself in some way, as you might have a tendency to do if your esteem is low. Just because you've had a terrible experience doesn't mean you are to blame for everything.

 

How he reacts to what you've told him could have a negative or positive effect on his attitude towards you and the relationship. This will also be a judge of his character. If he really loves you he will want to be there for you, and won't let your experience get in the way. It may even bring you closer. If he can't deal with it then it should become pretty clear from his behavior. This is his issue though, not yours. It shows you that you need someone stronger, and it doesn't mean that everyone will react in this way.

 

Sorry if I've rambled a bit. I hope it works out and I'm sure you'll come back if you need any more advice. Just add to this thread.

[Ms Darcy]

While I would say the rape was contributory to some of the issues you have recognised, there will still be other personal factors affecting how the relationship works. Some of these will be your own natural personality clashing with his, and vice versa. Also if you don't know much about his history and family background then that could actually be a big factor too in how the relationship has gone.

 

 

I agree with this part. What you described in your relationship sounded like there were additional issues going on. I think it might hurt your healing if you ascribe it all to the rape. I'm so sorry you went through that, and I'm sure it impacted you, but I'm just suggesting that it might not be everything.

 

Jealously and insecurity can rot a relationship to the core. It sounds like he felt smothered and that it smothered out his love for you. It also sounds like he tried to get those feelings back, but since you two didn't take it slow, the drama and conflict overwhelmed him again.

 

My advice is to get into therapy right now. Assume the relationship is over and start to move on. You telling him about the rape might actually make a reconciliation harder (I'm sorry to say) because that adds another dimension and he may not feel comfortable/like he needs to walk on eggshells around you now. You should be proud of yourself and the fact that you are self-reflecting. Sadly, your story is the classic burnout, smothering, insecurity story which suggests that the relationship is over for a while.

[snowwflake]

Thank you both for your replies and support

 

He already knew about the rape, I had told him after we had been dating for a while and we have spoken about it a few times since. He hugged me and kissed me and said it had no affect what so ever on his feelings for me and was just so sorry to hear I had to go through that. I never thought about how that would make a reconciliation harder, i thought that if he knew i was going to see a therapist about it he could see i was serious about making changes in my life. then when we do start hanging out again in a few weeks time, he will see how i am changing and see me as a stronger person taking control of their life. i thought he would see this as more attractive and improve our chances?

[thinkingitover]

i thought that if he knew i was going to see a therapist about it he could see i was serious about making changes in my life. then when we do start hanging out again in a few weeks time, he will see how i am changing and see me as a stronger person taking control of their life. i thought he would see this as more attractive and improve our chances?

 

you're right - seeing a person grow, and make continued efforts to grow is a very powerful thing and can really bring people closer together. I remember going out with a girl when I was 17 - I was jobless at the time, just out of school, not very self-aware - and although the attraction was there, it didn't last very long. Cut to a year later - I had a job, I was experiencing success, I was loads more self-aware - and we hooked up again by accident. This time she was all over me, astounded at how 'different' I was. I hadn't really changed, but I was more confident and more in control of my life. The fact it didn't last very long again is irrelevant (one issue might have been dealt with but there were many others - what can you do!) - I'm just trying to illustrate my point.

 

If you're doing everything you can (and it definitely sounds like you are), the ball is in his court. He'll either play a killer return and things will work out, or he'll miss the shot and miss out on you, ultimately. If so, it could be that he has helped you through this stage in your life but that it wasn't to be in the end. Being philosophical is always a good approach to have. Either way, best of luck and let us know what happens.

[Ms Darcy]

He already knew about the rape, I had told him after we had been dating for a while and we have spoken about it a few times since. He hugged me and kissed me and said it had no affect what so ever on his feelings for me and was just so sorry to hear I had to go through that. I never thought about how that would make a reconciliation harder, i thought that if he knew i was going to see a therapist about it he could see i was serious about making changes in my life. then when we do start hanging out again in a few weeks time, he will see how i am changing and see me as a stronger person taking control of their life. i thought he would see this as more attractive and improve our chances?

 

 

I'm glad you already shared that news with him.

 

My suggestion is to work on changing for YOU and not for him. What timetogrow brings up is a reconnection after a long period of time (a year). What you are talking about is a matter of weeks. Change doesn't happen that quickly. You can come to some realizations, but you need real distance and pain to move through to reflect on your choices.

 

So even if he saw a few weeks worth of changes, wanted to give it another shot, and dated you again, it would likely break down all over again as it did before because there was not enough REAL change if you understand my meaning.

[snowwflake]

I think he would see a few weeks worth of changes but then over a period of time he would see more and more changes when we stay in touch as 'friends'? I think perhaps his feelings could return as before during this time, but he may be afraid to act upon them.. It may take some time to win his trust back. Do you think distance would be better than being friends? That way he would miss me more, but then he wouldn't be able to see how I am changing and our closeness would crumble away. I think it will be really hard to be just friends with him, I'm sure it will be hard for him too. We had such an intense relationship so it would be extremely hard to just see each other as friends. I'm convinced something would happen between us at some point, we have a really strong attraction to each other. I want him in my life and he doesn't want to lose me from his life. But I'm also afraid that if we start hanging out as friends he may find that he now has the best of both worlds - he has me in his life and we still hang out, but no pressures of a relationship. Would it be better to tell him I can't be just friends? But then he could move on if he thinks I haven't changed.

 

My problem at the moment is that I'm only thinking of ways to get him back, if I do this then he will think this etc, I can't even conceive the possibility of him not wanting to be with me after we've had a bit of a break and lots of space, despite him saying there is a good chance it won't work out. I know in reality there are no guarantees, but I can't make myself think it. I know he loved me so so much, and it was only my behaviour he couldn't live with. Now he knows why. I tell myself he's thinking 'friernds' at the moment because he can't see how I could change and he's so stressed out, but then he has no idea how I can change. Even he can't see the future, perhaps he doesn't want to give me false hope if he doesn't know. He will be surprised and happy how well I am doing and see how if we were to start a new relationship it would be so different. I hope the fact that we still have strong feelings and I am doing all I can to sort myself out will swing things around. I don't think he has given up completely. When I see him I won't smother him and be more aloof, he would need to work to see me.

 

When I tell myself these things I feel lots better, but then I worry that I am deluding myself. I can't make someone think what I want them to think. This is so hard. I can't stop things from going round and round in my head.

[nina2009]

I think you are in the jungle (as most of us are). What is coming next is just what my tired eyes see through your lines, but believe me I have done it all too and continue doing it. So I am also in the jungle. So here it goes from my jungle to yours.

 

First red flag: you assigned him a role of estimating how good you are. If you are good, he will see it and then he will approve and take you to enjoy, if you are bad, then he will not approve and go away in sadness that you disappointed him.

 

Now imagine. He doesn't know what good is, he doesn't care what kind of person you are, the only thing he cares about is to feel good and comfortable. And it is perfectly normal. He was not comfortable in the relationship and that is why he asked out. Now important part: it is not your responsibility to make him comfortable. Even if you choose to do it out of low self-esteem, in your try to proof him that you are good and let's say you are successful, believe it or not, that would not make him love you more or even make him want to stay in the relationship. Why? Because it is HIS responsibility to become comfortable with you. It is ONLY his quest. Your quest is how to get comfortable with him.

 

So you can not control him by being a provider of the awesome personality that you are cooking for yourself in your dreams. I wouldn't even suggest going this road. It is preset for the failure and for even lower self-esteem.

 

In this relationship it looks like you took the whole blame for being clingy or needy. And he was all wise and loving. I do not believe it. failure is a deed of two. And in the most of the cases the one who seemed to be so perfect is the worst sinner.

 

If he cared that much for this relationship why you guys didn't decide to go to the couple therapy? That would make more sense than taking separate paths. If I were you I would suggest this and if he is not with me on this, then he doesn't want to give it a try to fix the relationship. I also agree that separate self-improvement might work in terms of self-improvement but I do not see how it would make you closer and how it would help to blend two personalities together when they are just growing more and more different?

 

So I would suggest couple therapy if he is out, then I would go to my own therapy for the rape and this past relationship.

 

The truth is I do not believe in love that tells me "Please go work on yourself and when you will become better I might take you back". It doesn't seem like love to me at all. And if that what was his general vibe you were getting I can see where insecurities could be stemming from and your trying to cling to him if in your guts you had this feeling that he is failing you. I would give him a chance though by offering couple therapy if he wants to work on this relationship. You can be friends at the time. May be that would be the best.

If he is out, then he is out.

[Ms Darcy]

My problem at the moment is that I'm only thinking of ways to get him back, if I do this then he will think this etc, I can't even conceive the possibility of him not wanting to be with me after we've had a bit of a break and lots of space, despite him saying there is a good chance it won't work out.

 

When I tell myself these things I feel lots better, but then I worry that I am deluding myself. I can't make someone think what I want them to think

.

 

This is what is so hard. I know that it's very easy to want your love back but it's hard to accept that he's left you. Who knows what can happen in the future? BUT trying to convince him to come back won't work. That is a decision that he has to make on his own. All I will say is that I've been there and I understand the frustration. Even if you make all the changes in the world, he may not want you back because eventually people move on.

 

Make the changes for you and see how YOU feel about him after a while. That's the best you can do.