Soul mates...soul lost...still lost

[1st timer]

Hi there,

 

I have been out of my relationship for a little over 2 months now. We dated for 3 yrs and have known each other for 10. We are both 26. The reason for the breakup was her need for space. We live about an hour from each other and she travels quite a bit for work. I thought we had all the space we needed. As it turns out, she was probably right. We did not give each other the space to enjoy interest out side of the relationship.

 

She wanted this to be a "fork in the road" of our relationship. At the time she broke up with me, that was very comforting to hear. Our time apart has been a time for growth for both parties.

 

We speak and get together every once in a while. While we are together, we have a great time. It is always like old times. We were never a couple that fought. Our communication was always open and seemed to be the reason we didn't need to fight.

 

Just yesterday we met again. This time it was because I had become frustrated with our interactions and said that I felt I wasn't being treated fairly. She calls to tell me she misses me but that she is not ready to be in a relationship. She tells me she wants to see more of me and then doesn't respond when I reach out to her. She wanted to have the conversation in person, so I agreed. We had a wonderful afternoon of art and food. Then as the night got late we had the discussion. She is still enjoying her space and not being beholden to anyone while making decisions. She still insists that I am the one for her and that she understands the risk she is taking by letting me go. She just feels she is at a point in her life that she needs to take this type of risk for herself. She does not want to look back and feel she did not give herself a fair chance to grow. This growth is both in her work and personal life. She has made comments about her loving the things I have taken on since she left and she finds it very attractive. I told her that I needed out of the gray area. She said that she is not ready to commit to a new relationship. I told her that I have to move on. Her argument against no contact was that by not staying in contact we would lose touch and may have a hard time being together again. In a moment of weakness, I said she was right and that us staying in contact was something I am staying open to. I have chosen not to contact her. I will let her do the contacting, as I need to see some type of action from her. Again, she needed the time apart. My question is am I doing the right thing? Should I stick around? Am I being childish by waiting for her to contact me? Is this type of break the type of thing that couples can overcome?

 

Any feedback is appreciated. Good luck all!

[melrich]

It is difficult to give advice specific to your situation here because by necessity the details are thin. Reading between the lines I am guessing you g/f wants to breakup but she is trying to make it easy on herself by easing the bandaid off rather than ripping. Simple fact is that people who are in love do not want to take a break from the peron they are in love with. She is feeling unfulfilled, that certainly doesn't mean that you won't get back together, just that now is not right for her. However it is unfair of her to pressure you into staying in contact. If you feel it is easier to stop contact for a while to help you get over things then that is what you should do. Your ex has to accept and respect your decision, she is after all the one who initiated the break. Just communicate truthfully to her your reasons for wanting to stop contact for a while. I am sure she would understand.

[1st timer]

Thanks for the help. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it being over.

 

Do relationships get in the way of personal growth?

 

Can they keep a person from getting out and doing what is important to them?

[lisaria]

Hey 1st timer,

I'm sorry your g/f is doing this. I have to agree with rich, it sounds like she's trying too keep you hanging on while she figures out what she wants. When you love someone you want to be with them. Yes, you grow with the love of your life. That's one of the many things that makes a good relationship. You both support each other and you're there for each other. Not being there and wanting space is not putting the attention into the relationship that should be put into it. And rich, I like your bandaid analogy, it fits very well. She wants to ease herself out of it.

I think that you should definitely do the no contact and if she calls I think I'd be a little cold. Don't let her use you for her own ego's sake. She knows you're there if she calls and that's way unfair to you. She has all the power in the relationship now and you're getting the short end of the stick (as my mama says). Stop giving it to her and take it back.

She doesn't miss you. She needs to know what she gave up and she won't do that if you're always there for her.

It hurts so much when they don't want us anymore. Most of us up here know how it feels and we all feel for you. I really hope you take care of yourself and let her be. At least for a month. No contact. Get busy hon. Do whatever you like, that helps you get through. Healthy stuff. Exercise. Study something you always wanted to know about. Grow. Don't wait around for her to call. If she does call, tell her you can't talk, you're heading out the door. Then get off the phone, don't talk. Go run around the block. Lift weights. Any kind of physical exercise is good.

On the bad days get up here and let us know. It's why we're here I think. It helps to see others going through what we are going through. And sometimes we can help someone who is feeling the same way we are.

Be strong.

Lisa

[DaisyB]

Hey, 1st timer. . .

 

I feel for you, too. Lisaria's right when she says that for a committed relationship to work out, you need to grow WITH your partner, not away from them. But that doesn't mean your relationship with your girlfriend won't work out. It sounds like she's just not ready to grow with you (or anyone else) right now. Maybe after a while she'll decide that she is ready to grow with you. But she does need some time away to figure that out.

 

Your instincts are telling you what to do here -- let her do the calling, and concentrate on yourself for a while. If you want to call her back, do so, but remember that you're NEVER obligated to call her back. If you don't feel up to it, don't do it. If you do, remember that just because she called doesn't mean that she wants to get back together. . . she may just be curious, or confused.

 

I think interests outside the relationship are incredibly important. My ex and I had a ton of shared interests, but not a lot of interests outside the relationship. . . and I think that contributed to our break-up. Think how exciting it is to meet someone new. . . those first few honeymoon months of a relationship when you're discovering all about each other. Now imagine if you could combine that excitement with the comfort and love of a long-term relationship. It sounds like you and your girlfriend had the comfort and love part, but were missing some of the excitement that comes from individual growth (interests outside the relationship). Your girlfriend told you how attractive you'd become since your break, right? My ex has told me the same thing. . . he seems incredibly turned on when I tell him about something new I've done (something he NEVER would have imagined me doing before).

 

So. . . devote some time to yourself. Keep doing what you've been doing to grow and make yourself happy. And keep us posted on how you're doing.

[1st timer]

Thank you for your responses. I have been reading the forums for months now, but I did not post anything. I didn't think it would be of any use. Was I wrong! This has been very helpful.

[Tropigal30]

I'm not sure if it is relevant to you, but I have found it is very easy for two people's space to become one. Some people can feel smothered in these type of relationships, and feel like they are only "half a person".

 

My previous ex and I were together for four years. We enjoyed each others company immensely and couldn't spend enough time together. But we always let it get to the point of where we were sick of each other but still then we would spend almost all of our personal time together.

 

We had the same friends, would always go out together, and we both stopped doing things that we couldn't enjoy together.

 

This made me feel less of a person and like I wasn't bringing anything to the relationship, but I was "too comfortable" to do anything about it. The relationship became too compatible and we became very boring people.

 

We are no longer together but we are still best friends (it was a bit rocky at the start but it has been a year now and we are getting along better than we ever did) and still love each others company but we are much happier spending time with different friends who bring out the best in us, and in doing the different things that we enjoy that make us happy. If we could have kept that going throughout the relationship I would say we would still be together.

 

I'm not saying you will need to break up to find happiness, but that not getting too comfortable and maintaining your independence and own interests is the best thing you can do to keep your relationship healthy and your love for the original person that you met to stay strong.

 

This may be useful to you as it may be how she is feeling ... the fact that she said she finds you more attractive because you have taken up new interests and are bringing more of a "complete" person to the relationship made me think that there is hope for you two ! Just get on with filling your life up for yourself - she will feel more important if you have to move something to fit you into your busy life, rather than that you had nothing better to do.

 

Your relationship should be the icing on the cake of your already happy life.

 

But I know that it still feels like a piece of you is missing, I am in anguish over my more recent ex ... but that is another story.

 

Good luck

[Tropigal30]

Wow I think I just dragged up a really old thread ... not sure why it was showing or how I found it !

 

Hope it all turned out for the best anyway !

[trident]

Maybe an old thread, but relevant for me personally. Something to think about.