nychika82 Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 OK let me start by saying this NC is not for everyone. In my opinion, NC is not ok if youre trying to get ur ex back. If youre trying to do NC its for healing to get over them. Think about it, you have no idea if theyre going to come back, its all in their hands so you're doing healing + waiting for them to come back (NC) - once you heal why would u even want to get back due to your healing and if you do you healed for nothing cuz now youre back with them, its all your feelings in stake. Personally for me LC would be the best for us and my ex agreed. I called him today breaking the NC (DAY 4) as the phone was ringing im thinking this can be really bad or get better. Thank G-d, it was better. i told him how i cant do NC because we have been together for such a long time, he agreed that we should definitely do LC by us talking 1-2 times a week and seeing each other once a week. We are going to see eachother tomorrow, if not than than Sunday or Monday. He told me to call him tomorrow afternoon and he will tell me if he wants to come out tomorrow (he hasn't been feeling good lately). after we got off the phone i texted him saying "i'm glad we spoke and i feel so much better, i hope you feel better hunny Link to comment
OneBrightStar Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 You were only in NC for four days. That doesn't give enough time for emotions to settle and it definitely doesn't give him enough time to miss you. I know the four days may have seemed like a lifetime to you, but four days is nothing. I agree, NC is not okay if you're trying to get your ex back, but I think that it can help. You need to your ex space to think. It really gives him a chance to miss you, too. Now that you're in LC and agreed to seeing each other, it won't give him that chance. What good is it going to do if you see him once a week and talk to him once or twice a week? He now knows that you're there just waiting for him. You risk getting "friend zoned" because of this and risk a prolonged heartbreak if he doesn't want to get back together with you even after all the time you spent talking and hanging out after the break-up. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 NC is only for healing purposes, but don't underestimate the powerful feelings it can bring out in the ex when a bit of time goes by without hearing from you is when they start missing you. See, it's only normal that after a break up, you go over a mental list of everything that went wrong in the relationship, how annoying they were, etc. When an ex keeps in contact, it is a constant reminder as to why they are an ex and need to stay that way. The dumper will not miss the ex until the ex decides to go NC and move on with his/her life. At first, the dumper doesn't seem phased by it. And why should they? They have the exciting single life to look forward to. Or they have a rebound that is "totally uh-mazing! With LC, you risk coming accross as a "embarrassing reminder" of your ex's past. People, naturally, look towards the future, not the past. But... This is your choice in the end. Good luck! Link to comment
nychika82 Posted January 9, 2010 Author Share Posted January 9, 2010 I can see where you coming from, but for the both of us 4 days was A LOT. He started talking to me as if its been a month or so we were on NC. My ex believes that guys and girls who had a history together cant be just friends, feeling arise. He had with with his ex, they broke up for like a month had NC than started being good friends and as they were friends he developed feelings for her and wanted her back badly - she rejected him though. Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 i agree. dont count your chickens my ex said things like that and here we are almost two weeks later and nothing. Link to comment
nychika82 Posted January 9, 2010 Author Share Posted January 9, 2010 Vertigo, i agree with you BUT he isnt going to see me as the ex who was so bad to me which caused our breakup but he is going to see me as the new changed me while us being "friends". If he does not see that in a few weeks i will definitely go NC so he could look back on this and be like "damn she changed so much and i want her back now" Its extremely important for him to see the changed me without that NC wont help cuz he has bad thoughts of me as of how badly i treated him. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 I can see where you coming from, but for the both of us 4 days was A LOT. He started talking to me as if its been a month or so we were on NC. My ex believes that guys and girls who had a history together cant be just friends, feeling arise. He had with with his ex, they broke up for like a month had NC than started being good friends and as they were friends he developed feelings for her and wanted her back badly - she rejected him though. 4 days isn't a lot. I know this is very hard, but if you ever want to reconcile with him in the future... Tell him that you can't do the friends thing at the moment and that you wish him luck in life, that someday down the road when all the dust is settled, that you two can be friends again. Then go NC. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Vertigo, i agree with you BUT he isnt going to see me as the ex who was so bad to me which caused our breakup but he is going to see me as the new changed me while us being "friends". If he does not see that in a few weeks i will definitely go NC so he could look back on this and be like "damn she changed so much and i want her back now" Its extremely important for him to see the changed me without that NC wont help cuz he has bad thoughts of me as of how badly i treated him. I understand where you're going with this, but I guarantee you, he won't notice these new changes if you two are in constant contact with each other. Talking twice a week and hanging out on top of that each week is a bit much for two exes, don't you think? When someone you know wants to lose weight, and is losing weight, but you see them every single day, chances are.. You won't really notice these changes. Now, if you were to not see them in a few months and see them again with all the weight gone, you would be naturally inclined to be shocked and surprised at the new person standing right in front of you, you know? Just my two cents. Link to comment
SushiOji Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 I did LC for a month after the breakup, all it does is relieve them of their guilt and weens them off of you. It made me feel worse and got me nowhere. Link to comment
nychika82 Posted January 9, 2010 Author Share Posted January 9, 2010 Vertigo, I may be doing a HUGE mistake but like i said its worth to give it a try, NC at this point inst solving anything for me getting back with him. We both agreed on LC rather than NC, cuz in reality he has nothing good to look back upon and have good thoughts of me. Whereas im going to give this friend thing a try show him how much i have changed and if still nothing than im absolutely going to go NC, then he will realize how much i changed and would want me back. But you really have to understand how diff the situation is from weight loss. How can a person see if another changed if they dont keep in touch with them?? It just does not sound reasonable. Link to comment
OneBrightStar Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 To me, NC is one of the best things that you can do if you want to get an ex back if you use the time properly. Use it to get your life together and prepare for a possible life WITHOUT the ex. I went NC for a month and a half. It was hard but I made it through. It also made him realize what life was like without me. My ex (well, boyfriend now) and I are currently working things out again. Link to comment
nychika82 Posted January 9, 2010 Author Share Posted January 9, 2010 That is wonderful, im happy for you!!! i promised myself if i feel this LC is not working out they way i planned it in my mind, NC all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you just gotta know how to play your cards correctly... Link to comment
iBroken Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 I have to agree with the others. And as stated in your other thread, 4 days isnt enough to "Change" I kept in LC with my ex and the ONLY reason we were even there was because there was a house involved. I went LC after the usual begging/pleading stage. Our contact was limited to, "The mortgage comes out tomorrow" "The realtor was coming over" etc. My ex used to try use it as an opportunity to talk and I used to shut it down by saying I wasnt interested in hearing about her personal life or specifics. 2 months later she is back pushing for a reconciliation. Why? Cause I wasnt there before. Because I voiced that I was not interested in her personal life anymore and that I was working on healing from this and moving on. Like the others said, all you are doing is being a bi-weekly reminder of why you and your ex are not together......... Keep us posted on your progress.....Im very interested to see if this works out in your favour. Link to comment
supercalifragilistic Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 This is a good idea actually, sometimes you just have see for yourself if something works or not. If LC doesn't work out for you then it will give you extra motivation to stick to NC, specially if you end up being even more hurt than you already are. Just be careful not to make the same mistakes you made in the relationship. Good luck! Link to comment
nychika82 Posted January 9, 2010 Author Share Posted January 9, 2010 thank you supercali for understanding!!!!!!!!! i'll give LC a shot if i see its not working out the way i hoped it would im going to go NC. i dont want to look back at this if G-d forbid i officially lose him and regret i didnt try something else other than NC because NC is not for everyone. I NEED to show him my changes, it will take time. he obviously is still convinced i will never change nor i will i stay my new changed self so i just want to make him feel he is doing a huge mistake and him to think to himself if we end up going NC or during our LC "damn i was wrong she did change!!!". Being in NC wont show what he should see, that's why im trying to tell other members that NC is not for this situation. i will keep you guys posted! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 To me, NC is one of the best things that you can do if you want to get an ex back if you use the time properly. Use it to get your life together and prepare for a possible life WITHOUT the ex. I went NC for a month and a half. It was hard but I made it through. It also made him realize what life was like without me. My ex (well, boyfriend now) and I are currently working things out again. How long were you broken up for? Link to comment
phaze Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 nychika- I think Vertigo is spot on. If you really are worried about officially losing him then NC is your best bet. Check out the thread on rebound relationships and what Vertigo said might make more sense. Basically many have found that if your ex is in a rebound relationship and you continue to be in his/her life you will help to further the relationship whereas if your are not it has a higher likelihood of failure. Now your ex may not be in a relationship with someone else but it helps to illustrate how you being in LC could be more harmful to your cause. Think of it this way; you provided very unique emotional 'energy' to your ex, and much like a drug, he is hooked on it. The next person won't be able to provide the same energy. They will have their own unique emotional energy they provide. If you go NC you stop providing this energy your ex is going to crave it badly but if you do LC and stay in his life you slowly ween him off of the need until he no longer needs it. You can let your ex see the changes in you but why not do 30 days of NC first? LC is also going to slow your healing and help to relieve your ex of their guilt. I'm sure that the more you read the more you'll come to recognize that NC is the way to go. I just hope you can trust what others that have been around for a while on ENA are saying before you actually do lose him forever. Link to comment
supercalifragilistic Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 I agree with you. Everyone has been telling her she should go NC, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't think it's best. I think she will only want NC once she has been through what most of us went through when we thought NC was a bad idea. Sometimes you just have to go through the pain to realize that it's a mistake. And who knows, maybe it will work for her...hopefully this won't ruin whatever chances there are of him changing his mind. The first time my ex broke up with me I did the same thing...but I didn't know about NC back then. I probably wouldn't have believed NC at first, though. I kept talking to my ex, being "friends". It was very painful, but after a month of this, we got back together. Except it didn't last. Since I was accepting whatever crumbs he threw my way during LC, he thought he could do whatever he wanted and I had to go along with it, he was trying to walk all over me and though he would get away with it since I was so desperate to have him back. It sucked and only lasted about 20 days. It was only after a couple of months of NC that he decided to come back all on his own and with the right mindset. Then it lasted 2.5 years. Link to comment
OneBrightStar Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 OG - We were broken up for about two and a half months. Link to comment
phaze Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 I had a very similar experience to you. My ex cheated on me in July and left immediately after that. I chased her and I did get her back and things were fine for about a month. Then she started doing things that were very disrespectful. I think with me chasing her she lost respect for me and this was her way of showing it. Things finally reached a boiling point and again she left. I originally started out doing NC to get her back but now I'm doing it more for me. I'm almost certain she will be back. I'm not sure if I will be willing to give it another shot at that point but I do want the option when the time comes. I know NC works because she sent me an email a while ago and I never responded. She mentioned it to a mutual friend and clearly it was affecting her. Kind of like me telling you not to think of a pink elephant, your forced to think about it. Everyone (including myself) starts out thinking their situation is unique and NC won't work but the more you read about others issues the more you come to realize it really is the only option both for your own well being and to get your ex back. I've purchased several of the online guides on the topic and they all say the same thing. You are getting the same advice here with no alterior motives (sales, etc), you just have to have faith in your fellow ENArs, this community is here to help and looking out for your best interests. I should also mention that I had a friend of mine who was posting woe is me stuff on Facebook one day and I contacted her and told her to stop immediately and go NC and only post positive stuff. Less than 2 weeks later her ex came back. Link to comment
Chris Knows Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Another one? I have been here a few months and I see the same cycle that people go through. - "Yeah, I am going to go NC to heal and get over it!" - "We talked and met but they have not responded back." - "We have not talked in a few days" - "I am going to write a note/letter to express my love!" - "Back to NC" Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Another one? I have been here a few months and I see the same cycle that people go through. - "Yeah, I am going to go NC to heal and get over it!" - "We talked and met but they not responded back." - "We have not talked in a few days" - "I am going to write a note/letter to express my love!" - "Back to NC" Yep. And yet... the same advice is perpetuated over and over again as reconciliation dogma. Such is the nature of the beast, I suppose. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Another one? I have been here a few months and I see the same cycle that people go through. - "Yeah, I am going to go NC to heal and get over it!" - "We talked and met but they not responded back." - "We have not talked in a few days" - "I am going to write a note/letter to express my love!" - "Back to NC" I think you just summed up this part of ENA in 5 bullets. lol It's a cycle though and we all get in it. Myself included. Sure I'll wind back there at some point in the healing process... Link to comment
Chris Knows Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 I think you just summed up this part of ENA in 5 bullets. lol It's a cycle though and we all get in it. Myself included. Sure I'll wind back there at some point in the healing process... Ohh I won't even lie, I was the same way lol. That's why it is easy for me to see. Link to comment
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