How to compromise?

[orangecounty]

I'm a real people pleaser and I am always trying to please everyone. I'm working on this, as I am the one who always ends up upset. My parents are divorced and so this makes for ALOT of family dinners, especially during the holidays. I have a very hard time saying no to my parents and I always feel obliged to go to every dinner they host. This Christmas season, we had six dinners and two brunches. Needless to say, my boyfriend had a hard time with this. His parents are together and we get together WAY more than his family. He feels like I should tell my parents we can't always make it. And I find that so hard. But I feel like I can't make everyone happy and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that my sister's husband has no family here and attends everything, making my boyfriend look like the bad guy.

[luminousone]

How do you and your bf feel about you attending some of the dinners by yourself? Or, perhaps just make a short showing together, and go on your merry ways...

 

6 dinners is a lot, but I love the time with my family and we all live so far away accross the u.s. so when there is a chance we all embrace the time with each other.

 

However, I have 5 siblings, and some choose to come visit for a shorter period of time. And some spouses do not come to everything.

[orangecounty]

I guess that's the other apart of the equation. My parents find it weird if my boyfriend doesn't come and I come alone. I realized the only reason it bothers me is because I worry about what my parents think and what they'll think of him. So it makes me a little uncomfortable unless he has a good excuse, like he's at his parents place.

[luminousone]

Yeah I did think of that.

 

But I guess you could say that "He is not very good at social gatherings like this" or something like that.

 

And make sure he does go to at least one of them, so they know that he does like your family (he does, doesn't he?).

 

I also gathered that you don't want to go to as many dinners too. I think the best thing is to be very authentic to yourself -- go to all of them if you want to, but be honest with them when it gets to be too much. People do understand that you can get over-scheduled during the holidays. And it sounds like you don't just have your family dinners, but your bf's family get-togethers too, so it is triple for you guys. (Your parents' respective places and your bf's parents' place.)

 

That is a lot.

[orangecounty]

Thanks for your advice I realize it is a lot, especially with my boyfriends family. He does and will still go to family gatherings and does enjoy being around my parents. He just expressed to me that he finds it's not all that balanced and he realizes the pressure I feel to always say yes to my family. So I feel maybe a little caught between my family and my boyfriend. I guess what also bothered me is that while he came to almost everything, and maybe once or twice couldn't make it to a family dinner because his parents had something going on, my dad told me that he felt my boyfriend wasn't that "into" our family. When really he had been to so much. I felt like I couldn't win.

[luminousone]

Oh, that would be hard to have your dad be judging him like that....

 

Well, you could explain to your dad about the dinners for all three families -- show him your calendar and how packed it is. He may just be assuming you are only going to his stuff and not other places...

 

But I guess you could just let your dad have the opinion he wants to have, and do what is best for you and your bf.

[orangecounty]

That is true. I guess I'm always so scared of disappointing my dad. Not sure where that comes from. But you're right, I could talk to him and let him know how many dinners we have to go to. I don't think he understood that we don't see my boyfriend's family all that often, rarely actually. And he may not realize that other families don't always get together as often as we do.

[_Asti_]

You will have to stand up for yourself at some point..even if it means hurting some feelings.

People need to be real here. 6 dinners is alot, period. No one can expect that you will be free for all of them, let alone someone in a relationship who also has another 'family' they need to be with.

 

After 6 years together, my guy and I still do separate family events for certain occassions because its the only compromise that can work at times. Doesn't mean anything about us, and our commitment. Just means that our families are doing things at the same time, and we both want to be with our own.

 

Look out for yourself, and your relationship. Your family will get over it, they will.

[orangecounty]

Asti, thank you so much! I know it's about redefining my relationship between my parents and myself. I feel very much like a child to them still and they treat me that way too. I know my sister is always trying to please them as well and because she has such a passive husband, this is never a problem for them and my sister will guilt me as well if I don't come to a dinner. But you're right, they WILL get over it and I know no matter what, they still love me.