Paranoid in my workplace

[Lucy__lou]

Around a year ago, I had a clash with a colleague of mine, and I believe he's of the opinion that I'm unprofessional, and who knows what else (it's a long story, but I suspect that he doesn't really respect me). To make it worse, he's very well liked, very sociable, and has a significant deal of influence and loyalty from his colleagues.

 

Since the run in, my working relationships with all my other colleagues have disintegrated.

 

Is it irrational that my response to this drama with this guy has caused me to go from treating my other colleagues (those in his sphere of influence) with an attitude of friendliness, good will, camaraderie, trust and friendliness, to now being withdrawn from all of them?

 

It just seems to happen with me. When I feel I may have been bad mouthed, I withdraw from the person who I believe has heard bad things about me.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this better? I'm getting a reputation as a not very friendly person, even though I used to be a lot friendlier. I'm just scared. I feel unsafe around a lot of people now.

[jc123]

i think you should report him to your boss.

if your boss is a decent person, they should deal with the situation on your behalf.

you could say he stirring stuff between you and your fellow colleagues and it's affecting your relationships at work.

if you don't want to talk to your boss, try and speak to the people he has spoken to about you. he has obviously said stuff about you. you need to defend yourself and explain that what he is saying to them is untrue. this may backfire if they like him as much as you say.

[indopastlife]

It could be that your co-workers are siding with him, given you say he is well-liked in the office.

 

have you spoken with them, as to why they seem more distant?

[pinkelephant]

You could try and stop making this a big deal. I have a feeling that this is actually mostly in your head... I know what that's like, I don't know what to say other than what my therapist told me - you have to stop and ask yourself, why you feel the way you feel? Isolate out exactly what it is that triggers your response (which seems like extreme anxiety). Ask yourself if this has happened before and if your response is reasonable. Perhaps that your response is not to the actual situation itself, but from previous experiences where things got really badly. From realizing all of that, I was able to disassociate the bad feelings from reality and start to talk to myself about calming down and then I was able to see the situation from what it is and then work with it rationally. I don't know if this will help at all, because it sounds so.. I don't know, cliche? But somehow, my therapist made it click and maybe you could benefit form a bit of therapy yourself?

[Lucy__lou]

iyou could say he stirring stuff between you and your fellow colleagues and it's affecting your relationships at work.

if you don't want to talk to your boss,

 

It could be that your co-workers are siding with him, given you say he is well-liked in the office.

 

have you spoken with them, as to why they seem more distant?

 

Perhaps I didn't make it clear. I'm the one that's becoming withdrawn. I'm just scared. The people in his circle who don't know me are noticably unfriendly, but the people who already knew me before this happened are still pretty nice to me. but I'm just scared and keeping a distance from them, just in case. I don't know if it's rational or not. It's just what I seem to do when I suspect I've been bad mouthed. There's no proof. And everyone's pretty subtle in my workplace.

 

You could try and stop making this a big deal. I have a feeling that this is actually mostly in your head... I know what that's like, I don't know what to say other than what my therapist told me - you have to stop and ask yourself, why you feel the way you feel? Isolate out exactly what it is that triggers your response (which seems like extreme anxiety). Ask yourself if this has happened before and if your response is reasonable. Perhaps that your response is not to the actual situation itself, but from previous experiences where things got really badly. From realizing all of that, I was able to disassociate the bad feelings from reality and start to talk to myself about calming down and then I was able to see the situation from what it is and then work with it rationally. I don't know if this will help at all, because it sounds so.. I don't know, cliche? But somehow, my therapist made it click and maybe you could benefit form a bit of therapy yourself?

 

Thanks Pinkelephant. Yes I've been speaking with my counsellor (therapist) about this. She's helped me take more seriously the possibility that things might not be as bad as they seem. I personally believe that my fears are founded, but by the same token, I suspect that a little obliviousness to the ugly truth might be just what is needed to not excacerbate the problem. I recall one time seeing a man on a bus being abused by a crazy man, and the man being abused seemed to twist what was being said around in his head to make out like it wasn't meant that way. Sometimes naievity, or fake naievity, we can de escalate a problem. Sometimes knowing too much can make things worse.

[jc123]

i don't think it's rational to keep a distance from them. if they're still friendly with you, they may support you more than the other guy.

otherwise, you could set him up and get him fired. that will sort the problem out lol

[agent1607307371]

I withdraw from the person who I believe has heard bad things about me.

 

You need to really work at developing a "professional" persona at work - put it on with your clothes of a morning, and deal with your co-workers in a professional manner regardless. If you catch yourself withdrawing, stop and work on it.

 

You say you think he's been bad mouthing you, but it's more likely that you've withdrawn from your colleagues and they're responded by withdrawing from you. It's the natural reaction.

[MrWallFlower]

I'm confused as to why you would withdraw from your coworkers just because they heard bad things about you. That would make them think you must be guilty of whatever was said. If what is being said about you is false then you have no reason slink into a corner and hide. If anyone broaches the subject with you, set them straight about what really happened and defend your reputation.

[Lucy__lou]

The clash with the guy is one that, if explained, I know that I would come off looking worse. On top of that, he has more access, by way of his popularity and sociability and abundance of friends in the organisation to those informal conversations where these things can be talked about. I have no voice, and even if I did it doesn't look good. I've spoken about this drama to friends, counsellors, and they all seem to think that he's justified in the way that he handled the situation, so I have no hope getting any sympathy from people who actually know and like him.

 

I just don't feel like I have a hope in hell of being understood, so I feel doomed from the start. I feel so hopeless. The less support I get, the less inclined I am to tell the story. I feel that it was a delicate issue which we had the clash over, and he was lacking in humanity in the way he chose to handle it. He was weak. I'm reluctant to talk about it here. I feel self conscious.

[agent1607307371]

I'm confused as to why you would withdraw from your coworkers just because they heard bad things about you.

 

Because she thinks they heard bad things about her. That's the rub.

 

If even your nearest and dearest think you were in the wrong then the only thing to do is man up and apologise to the guy. It might not be what you want to do or what you know you should do, but it will probably alleviate a lot of the pressure you're putting yourself under.

[Lucy__lou]

Because she thinks the only thing to do is man up and apologise to the guy.

 

The clash that happened between myself and the guy ended with me trying to fix things. He wasn't interested in resolving things, and opted to be fake with me (fake nice) from that point forward. That's what made me paranoid. When you try to resolve an issue, and the other person avoides resloving it by pretending it's already resolved. So an apology isn't suitable in this situation unfortunately, because he's already pretending everything's fine.

[agent1607307371]

Then why don't you do the same.

 

Sometimes you just have to fake nice with people you work with. That's obviously the route he's decided to take.

[Lucy__lou]

Then why don't you do the same.

 

Sometimes you just have to fake nice with people you work with. That's obviously the route he's decided to take.

 

I'd rather not.

[agent1607307371]

I'd rather not.

 

So what would you rather do?

[pinkelephant]

You know what, if you had wronged him in some way (in his mind), you kind of have to accept that he doesn't have to work things out with you right there and then (or ever!). He has a right to! You definitely should ignore it and act like nothing happened and let time do its magic. In the mean time, acting like there's drama will cause drama. Acting like nothing is wrong will eventually make whatever that was wrong from before evaporate. People's temper and feeling need to have the time and the environment to heal.

 

I think you might be trying to control this situation a bit too much, instead of letting it be. Sometimes, letting things be is the best way to deal. I know, if it were me... and I was mad at someone who was trying to work things out with me, I'd still need some time. Most people can't just flick off their feelings. In the mean time, there's no reason to put a wall between the two of you, making it even harder to break once things have cooled down. I'd rather just act like nothing happened and then eventually become truly friendly with you again.

 

 

Perhaps, it's a patience thing. Hope this has helped.

[thejigsup]

The fake nice mask in a must in the workplace. Learn how to put it on. You are free to take it off when you're not at work you know.

[indopastlife]

I'd rather not.

 

so you're not willing to help yourself?

[Lucy__lou]

I don't do fake.

 

I can get over things, and just be nice to people who've disappointed me generally, but with this guy I just can't. I can't. I'm really hurt by how he's behaved towards me. How he's handled the conflict. If I was fake nice, it would be like giving up my soul. I'm not a phoney. I don't do that. I can't be a good professional if I despise myself. It will infect everything that I do.

 

I know it seems foolish and self destructive and pig headed, but being fake nice is a cost I'm not willing to pay. And I am fully aware that the price I'm paying for this is very high.

 

I'm not going to go into the details here. Sorry. I guess it's too complicated. I probably shouldn't have posted this. sorry.

[Lovelace]

I have a somewhat similar situation at my job. I work with a much, much older lady (as in, post-retirement age), and she's very well known, has worked there for years, and people find her amusing in general. She's a trash-talking, feisty grandma with many opinions. I think she's fine, except every other day, she seems to think it's a good time to speak to me as if I'm an incompetant moron. (Some suspect she is threatened by me, which may or may not be true).

 

The thing is, if you engage, YOU end up confirming everything that person says. This is TERRIBLE for your career. I cannot emphasize how bad it is for this sort of thing to go on. Bosses are usually useless with this stuff, because they pretty much don't want to 'deal with drama'. So you are the one who has to handle this stuff. I can't tell you exacty what to say, what to do, but I know that I've managed to seem to remain competant, and can tell you what I do.

 

DO NOT ENGAGE. Do not argue, or defend yourself too hardcore. Defensive people seem guilty of all charges. Deflect, diffuse and confuse. These are your weapons. I am a legal assistant, to put this in perspective, and I will give you an actual conversation:

 

Grandma: *Ranting* You gave this client call to your boss when you should have given it to attorney B!

Me: Really? That's strange. The call was given to me. I figure if it was sent to me, then it was for my lawyer. But if you prefer that it be given to attorney B, then it's no problem. I'll just forward the notes.

Grandma: *visibly diffused and slightly confused, but still itching for a fight* You have to actually request the file! (note: this was said in a manner that strongly implied that I do not know what to do when a client calls)

Me: Already did as soon as they called. *physically turns away from the woman to show that I am doing as requested and...well, via body language, telling her the argument was done*

Grandma: You did? *crestfallen*

Me: Yes *big, friendly smile*

Then I got up and walked around her out of my cubicle and said, "Ye of little faith, Miss ___________" (I don't actually call her grandma), and I said it in a joking, 'you so silly' sort of way.

 

She had no idea how to react.

 

So, if that demonstrated anything to you...If it's being said that you are unprofessional, behave professionally. Behave like a beacon of employee-dom. Set your own example. If people can see that you are a great, hardworking, clever person, then they can't believe what the other person is saying. They'll just discredit themselves and look like...the back end of a donkey. Or the front. Any part of a donkey,really.