Who should make the move?

[Mix Maxster]

hey everyone,

 

I have been following myJoy's advice and now I'm only focusing and worrying about me. I've said all I could to my ex and only time will tell whether or not she'll come back to me or will end up with some shmoe. Anyways, when does one know when to make the move or when does one know the ex is trying to make the move. When you think about it, the dumper may not plan on coming back or if they do think about it they may not even consider it for fear the dumpee wouldn't care to take them back. I mean really there could be so many things that would cause an ex to not even try to come back and I'm scared that my ex will regret her decision, but wouldn't be able to work up the nerve to talk to me.

 

So what does one do?? What do I do if time goes on and my ex seems like she wants to get back together, but what if I'm reading it wrong and she doesn't want to come back then I end up looking like an idiot, my ex gets all worried for me and then things get even worse. Then if I don't act on it and it turns out she did want to come back, but i didn't act in time and she's gone again then that means I missed my chance. I mean I'm not at that stage yet, but as time goes on I want to be prepared for that as well and i'm not sure if my ex would ever let herself come back or what not. So what do I do? what does one do to read the signs or make the move?

[pip]

I know how you feel I would suggest two things:

 

1) Don't count on her coming back. Allow yourself to heal, and focus on other areas of your life. I'm sorry to say it, but generally the chances of an ex coming back are quite slim. So you need to look after yourself.

 

2) The most you can do is maximise your chances of her coming back. I don't think you should actively try and get her back. Think about it: if you make the emotional committment to chase after her, think how ruined you will be if she doesn't want you back. It would undo all the progress you had made in terms of the healing process.

 

I think if she really does want you back, she will act on it. She'll call you, or email you, or "accidently" bump into you. I understand what you mean about Ex's feeling tempted to come back. But trust me, if she's tempted enough to really want you again, she'll act on it, even if only slightly.

 

Good luck. We're all thinking of you!

[last resort]

just wait and all will prosper

[bowski]

I think that the person who did the dumping should always make the move. If they really want to be back with you, they will make their intentions known. If you try and pursue them they are more inclined to pull away even more. Only time will tell what the outcome will be but you have to give them time to figure out what they want and time for you to help yourself and become a stronger person. Maybe over time they will miss you maybe not, but at least give them time to.

[just jeff]

What if your ex calls two weeks after telling you she's changed her cell phone number and your history? You don't respond and she texts you telling of a special event in her life?

 

It's hard to separate this type of behavior... I am trying to move on and get these little bits and pieces? I suggest letting the dumper contact you... otherwise you could be hurting all over agian if thier feelings haven't changed... just my two cents

 

Jeff

[Mix Maxster]

Ya that's the point I was trying to make. I mean if the ex has subtle ways of trying to get back with you because they're afraid to be out and honest about it, then what do we do? Ignore it? just let it be and move on?

 

I guess what I meant by all of it is, what if the ex isn't being very obvious about it because they're scared to. Then what do we do? I mean really I've done a lot of thinking and I don't want to get together right now as she needs the time. She really does and although I may think I'm at a point where I know more, I don't entirely know so time for myself is needed as well. I'm only asking these questions so I can be prepared down the road. Thanks for the advice so far though guys! I think I know what you mean by when you all say that if you just let it be and the ex/dumper has doubts or whatever and wants to come back they will try their hardest as they don't want to lose someone great, but with that I just meant what if they're too scared to do it thinking that they broke the dumpees heart so badly that they figured that they shouldn't bother trying because they can't find logical reasons for the dumpee wanting them back. Kind of get what I'm saying?

[densil]

Mixmaster I know exactly what you mean!!! And i can't wait for some replies! My ex is one independent, principled and above all else STUBBORN girl! I half think that even if she wanted to get back together she wouldn't purely through pride and stubborness.

 

Steve

[DragonGirl724]

yea i am so confused too!! sumtimes my ex IMs me then i dont see him online for days then he'll go online & not IM me but other times he IMs me the second he logs on & he has me on alert so when i log on his comp makes a special sound. i think wen exs do this kinda stuff they are tryin to enjoy bein single w/ a life w/o their Exs but miss us when they have alone time. but i dunno i think my ex & i are gonna get back together once he has time to be single & chill w/ his boys like he wanted. so im jus kinda takin it 1 day at a time tho everyday is torture b/c i dont know what hes feeling....partially due to mixed signals, or maybe im takin it as mixed signals?? me no know..

 

....and the saga continues....

 

-DG724

[Rysen]

Yeah, I understand exactly what you're saying. I have the same fear as you do. I mentioned this in my reply to the reply you gave me, giving you my take on the only thing I've been able to come up with to do about it, but I'll mention it again for those that didn't read my post.

 

In my post I explained that I am extremely good friends with my ex's best-friend. She, the best friend, as always called me the big brother she never had, so we have a pretty close relationship. Now, I would never EVER ask the best friend to try and change my ex's mind, or talk to my ex for me, or even ask information about what my ex has been up to as I've always felt it would incredibly immature, and also completely unfair to the best-friend, as I never want her to feel that she is stuck in the middle. In fact, I always try and make it a point to never bring up my ex at all, whenever we speak. Since the break up, anyway.

 

However, I did ask her that if for any reason my ex felt like talking to me about us, our relationship, or anything, but was too afraid to, and mentioned this to the best friend, if she would please encourage my ex to do so, as I am always open to talk/listen about anything my ex might have to say, regardless of how long it has been. Not push her to talk to me, but rather, try and make her feel more comfortable about the idea, but *only* if my ex had expressed a want in doing so.

 

One of my biggest problems though, is that I over-analyze far too much. This is in my nature as my family has a long running string of anxiety disorders which I was on medication for, for a long time. In any event, I think it's best to try and not over-analyze your situation, or keep wondering if her doing something means she wants to get back together. It's difficult, I know, as you have hope that she would want to, but I've kind of noticed that both sexes, tend to give off mixed signals when they're with their ex out of comfortablity. That's not to say that they mean to throw those signals at you, or that they're trying to keep you on a string, it could just mean that they comfortable and, out of habit, just do things. Mine stays very close to me, grabs my knee and tickles me, and other things that she would do when we were still together, but then I don't hear from her for a few days. So, I've come to the conclusion that she probably does these things because that's how we used to act all the time when we were together. I really don't think that it's because she wants to get back together with me. It's probably best to think that if she really wanted to get back together that she would talk to you about it and make the first move. As a lot of people have said, if you think too much of these subtle hints (if they're hints at all) you might just be setting yourself up for another bout of hurting, as I have done myself.

 

DragonGirl

I'm in your shoes right now! It's very frustrating at times because some days she'll talk to me all night, then she'll disappear for a few days, or she'll be online and not talk to me at all. But then when we get together, it's like we were never apart, but then, again, I don't hear from her for days. I would out and out ask her what's up, but, we've made a lot of progress in the past two months and I really don't want to mess anything up by pushing her away. I guess, the only thing we can do, as you said, is take it one day at a time despite how hard it is.

Good luck to you and everyone else who is going through this!

[Mix Maxster]

Ya I know where I am in the relationship world and I just don't want to date and be out there, I'm in NO rush to find my supposed "soul mate" now I know what everyone is trying to say and that is that there isn't just one person out there for us, well if I know that then I'm really in no rush to start going crazy with the dating and relationships. I am working on myself and doing my own thing but I don't think it would be wrong to say that my ex is in denial right now as the haste of which she found someone new is quite shocking and yet not. So I guess in the end time to myself and time away from me is the only way she can figure everytihng out on her own. If I'm around this will only allow her to move on without me, but if i just up and vanish she will not be able to see me anymore and will be all by herself with this new guy. In no way am I trying to play a game, but my ex needs to find out for herself what she is looking for and I wouldn't take her back if she was doing it out of desperation to not be alone.

 

But in the end I gather what all of you are saying is essentially that the ex may be playing a game with our heads but that it's unlikely and really they're probably going through some stuph themselves. I guess the point is, is that we have to trust (if we truly want htem back) that they'll be able to get a hold of us or try to hint it to us in a strong way where we know they're trying to get back together. Now if this person JUST ISN'T the type to go back on their word or are the type to not go back on things what does one do to make that step or should one just move on. Because I have just about given up on it thinking that it's just not worth it because my ex will never learn, but what if she does learn and I'm not around? Her tough break eh?

 

If anyone can shed some more light on if there's any methods one should take in making the step if there's a chance. Say if one finds out through the grapevine that the ex dumped her current bf because she started thinking about me again, but she was too scared to come and talk to me thinking that I HAD truly moved on. What does one do then? I guess I'm still kind of lost on what to do if the ex just can't work up the nerve to do it or if they let their pride get in the way of being truly happy.

[raider5]

Great question! I have the same problem. I think all of us get some bad and some good evidence as to if they want to come back or not.

 

Personally, I'm not making any moves. My ex is also somewhat independent, stubborn, and is with her ex, so there's little chance of her coming back unless she really wants to come back.

 

But that's the point. There are different levels of getting them back:

1)Beg and plead

2)NC followed by your move

3)NC followed by their move

with intermediate degrees of action/inaction.

 

We all agree that 1) won't work. But based on the evidence it's your call whether or not you should try and start something up again. Personally I'm not going to. Because the rule is,

 

Generally speaking, the breaker is the one to ask for the breakee back.

 

Anything else and your coaxing them back in my mind. The more you have to ask for them back, the less likely the relationship will work. I'm not going through this %@*#ing pain again, if she comes back it's going to be for good. I'm only want to be with someone who really wants to be with me.