She's Mad?

[baker53]

yea, I pretty much quit doing that stuff after a while once we moved in together. Didn't mean to... it just happened.

 

 

 

Don't be mean. Take control and act like you are okay and that you will survive without her. She will begin to wonder what the heck is going on...

 

How do I take control?

 

Should I not say anything about her stuff here and about her still having a key to my place and just see how long she leaves it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would do that. Don't talk about the relationship, don't compliment her unless she does you first. Even then I don't think I would... make her think you are trying to move on, that you can live without her.

[baker53]

I would do that. Don't talk about the relationship, don't compliment her unless she does you first. Even then I don't think I would... make her think you are trying to move on, that you can live without her.

 

I tried to show her that I could move on and live without her by talking to girls on facebook but that just made her mad. How else do I show her that I have "moved on."

 

And did you say yes to leaving her stuff here.

[OptomisticGirl]

So she got mad. Like I said, she gave that right up when she left you. Tell her that. If she says she's mad be like I'm sorry, you were the one that wanted this.

 

I'd leave her stuff there. Gives you a reason to break NC in a month or two.

[EQIQ]

Who cares if she gets mad?? This is what you need to get through your head. What she thinks, what she feels doesn't matter right now. She gave up on you, she is out of your life, you live your own life, you control your own life. If you want to talk to other girls, you talk to other girls. If she gets mad, then too bad. If she comes ask you about it, you say. "you broke up with me didn't you?" She doesn't have anything else to say besides "yes... " and if she says "but" you cut her off, and say "but what? you regret it now? I mean, you are out of my life, I feel totally fine meeting other girls, now if you are going to take me seriously and respect me, then we can have a chat and see if I give you another chance." . Dude be a man, take control over your own life. Stop worrying soo much about what she thinks, what she feels. She dumped you man, she doesn't deserve, or want your pity, she doesn't deserve you being all caring, and nice towards her.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree. And it was the hardest lesson I had to learn, knowing I no longer had a say in his life....

[jimmajam]

Exactly.

 

Be a man, respect yourself and she will respect you back. If she is getting upset over girls posting on your face book, imagine what she'll do when you don't do what she expects you to do? She's going to go nuts and when she does don't even worry about it, focus on yourself. If you keep letting her dictate everything and taking every little bread crumb she tosses on the floor you're not going to fix the root problems anyways. It worked once, but look where you are now, back to the same problem.

[EQIQ]

Like.. I feel kinda bad being soo direct and all like, i don't know, acting like I know better than you. But I am just trying to make you see what is best for you. I have kinda been n your situation before, and I learned the hard way, trying to get a girl by pleasing her every moment is not the right way to go. You need to love who you are, respect who you are, take control over your own life. Be confident, and then they will respect you as well. Some girls just want a loser to use for car rides, gifts, free entries into the movies, a place to stay etc. You don't want to get pushed around like that man. Imagine if you end up marrying this girl. Think about it. You two then plan on buying a house, then whats gonna happen? She will have the last word, "No I want this house, or I'm leaving you"... You don't want to live like this trust me. Its gonna be a hell lot worse living a pathetic life like this, then it would be having to deal with giving up on her.

 

Remember if she doesn't love you for who you are, doesn't respect you, then there is no point in trying to get back with her.

[OptomisticGirl]

Sometimes people need blunt advice. I do A LOT.

 

 

Yeah, see, I was that type of girl. Not that badly but I knew if I cried or pleaded just enough, I'd get my way. Not healthy and very good for his male ego and probably one of the main reasons he left me, sadly enough....

[baker53]

Ok what would you do in my situation? I love her and I don't want to let her go. We were together for 3 years and 2 months and all she talked about was getting married. I wanted to wait because I have a lot of school ahead of me and she was not too crazy about.

 

She broke up with me, with fair warning before hand, and said that we are better best friends than boy friend and girlfriend and that she does not feel the spark anymore.

 

Last time we broke up she said worse things to me. I just talked to her on facebook and showed her that we are good friends. When then started hanging out and then got back together.

 

There's a lot more to this story so if you want more just ask.

[EQIQ]

I don't know what I would do if i was in your situation. But i think the best thing you can do for yourself is to call her, ask her if she is going to take her stuff out. if she says no, ask why not. if she gives you attitude, stand up for yourself. if she makes it clear she does not want anything to do with you, then ask her to take her stuff out of your apartment, that your apartment is not a storage.

 

I mean is she is nice, and like.. "I know i need to take it out.. I am sorry. I just dont have a place to take it to right now, can you give me a couple of weeks?" or something like that, then fine, you be nice and give her time. no need to be a jerk. But you need to be serious, and show to her that if she wants something with you, she needs to respect you, and that you are not her pet.

 

and please... dont use facebook for this... talk over the phone.. or in person..... Maybe i am just stereotypical against it.. but i think its the biggest piece of crap ever invented...

[OptomisticGirl]

You sound like my ex. He hates facebook. Thank God... but he also hates talking on the phone

[baker53]

I dont want to use facebook believe me, but what do I do if she ignores my calls or texts?

 

I forgot to mention that she is trying to get me to but the stuff that she has here from her because she needs money.

[EQIQ]

If she ignores you, then just don't call her. Call her once, if she doesn't pick up, then she clearly does not want to talk to you. Remember you are not her pet. You have your own life. So go do your own thing.. maybe call her again in a week or two, if she doesn't pick up again, leave a short message. "Hey, I am calling about your stuff thats here in my apartment. I want to know what you want to do with it. Give me a call back will ya?" I bet she knows your number, but if she doesnt leave it with her in the message lol.

 

If she doesn't call, then man.. forget about it. Forget about her, she doesn't want anything to do with you, no amount of calling, texting, facebooking (or w/e u call it) will change that. Go live your life, if after a month or whatever she does not contact you about her stuff, leave another message that you are going to get rid of it if she doesn't come pick it up. And if she doesn't then get rid of it. You are not her slave, your apartment is not her storage. Life is tough man. But we are men, and need to act like it.

 

If after a while she does call you though, then talk to her about her stuff, see what she wants to do. Tell her that you want it out. if she opposes it, then its the same as I told you before. Tell her that she broke up with you, that she is out of your life. Now if she wants to talk about it, then you are open to talk about it. but if not that you want her stuff out.

[baker53]

EQ>IQ you seem to really know what your talking about. Below are a few of the post that kind of tell my whole story. Would you mind looking through them really quick and giving my your opinion on what to do and if there is still a chance? I want her back with all my heart and am willing to do anything.

 

Thank you so much

 

 

 

 

 

 

[EQIQ]

Ok gonna go read them. and yeh.. I dont really know if i know what I am talking about I have very few experiences with dating etc. But I have talked a lot to people who are married, in relationships etc, and have learned from them. I also have read a lot in books and other stuff. This is because I used to be really insecure, and wanted to improve on myself, so.. you know.. reading and thinking really does go a long way..

[EQIQ]

Ok so after reading it, it is as I expected. You did pretty much the same type of things I used to do, with the same result. You are making your life revolve around her. Your life is not your life anymore, everything you do, you do thinking about her, you are obsessed. I say it, because I was the same way.

 

So here is what that does. Girl stops seeing you as a man. She is getting too much attention.. wants more space for herself, you are being too nice, way too insecure. So she pulls away. Women, just like us want a challenge. It's a fact of life, you want things that you can't have.

 

For example. If you had a girl, real pretty, always be all over you, and act like. "hey how you doing? Here have some candy, are you hungry? I will buy you food. You thirsty? Here lemme get you some water."... etc.. Always all over you, the very second you need something she is there to give it to you, sometimes you don't even want anything but she is there, she is ALWAYS there on your face doing whatever she can to please you. Wouldn't that overtime piss you off? Wouldn't you be like. "OK look, you can stop now, you are creeping me out, just stop please, go away, leave me alone." Why would you do that? Because it is just plain out annoying when someone is always all over you trying to satisfy your every need. Humans need some sort of independence.

 

Who would you want? A girl that is always trying way too hard to please you, like this girl in the example, or a girl that gives you a bit of a challenge, who is nice, but at the same time has her own life, does her own thing?

 

This is one of the reason you keep going after this girl you love, because she is being a challenge for you, if she was all over you all the time, it would drive you away, just like you always being all over her, trying to satisfy her every need drove her away from you.

 

You need to be a man, be independent, have your freedom. Make it so that she is not the reason of why you are happy. You should be happy with yourself, with who you are. Having a girl to share life with sure makes life more enjoyable, but like many places I have read, "if you are not happy with yourself, if you don't love yourself, then you will not be able to love someone else the way they deserve to be loved". You can only give her what she wants, when you are confident in yourself, love yourself, and respect yourself.

 

She wants a man. She wants a guy that for example.. in a situation. You two are planning on going out for dinner. You would say, "honey where do you want to go?", "I dont know.. you pick.", "no come on tell me, I want to go where you want to go, because I want to make you happy". See this is pathetic, insecure behavior. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you said something more like this: "How about we go to this place I found out about last week? I heard they have great food there" You are not being commanding, but you are taking the lead. You are having power over the decision.

 

Anyway that is probably a horrible example... But the idea is, if u hold her too tightly she is gonna try to get away from you, and the harder you squeeze the harder she is gonna try to get away. If you pull back, stop holding on soo tightly, if she loves you, she will start holding onto you. Just imagine you are hugging someone, the moment you hug way too hard, you gonna start hurting the person, and they first gonna stop hugging on, then gonna start fighting to get away from you. If you let go a bit, and the person enjoys being with you, they will hug back.

 

Sorry kinda of long here, but these are lessons I had to learn myself. My ex broke up with me, because as she said "her feelings changed", and its pretty much what happened with your ex, feelings changed. That is because we were being obsessed and way too clingy and insecure.

 

So what should you do? Well first you need to realize that you are being insecure, and way too clingy, you are being a "nice guy" (nice guys finish last). Not saying doing nice things is bad, its not that... i am just talking abt insecure type of guys, being nice in itself is a good thing. So take sometime for yourself, realize that she should feel lucky that she has a chance with you. That you are a great person, you are the type of guy a girl should be happy to be with. Think about your good qualities, the good things you have. Go workout, exercise, run etc. It will take your mind off of her, and make you feel better about how you look. Go focus on stuff in your own life you have been neglecting, like maybe studying for your exams etc. (just like me I should be studying right now, but instead I am doing this, because it is pretty much therapy for myself, I feel that by helping other people that had my type of problem, I am really counselling myself... if that makes sense). During this period have no contact with her. In short you want to become a better person, a emotionally stronger person. More confident in yourself, more secure about what you want to do with your life, and happy with who you are. When you get to the point of being happy with yourself, happy with being alone, then you will be a hell of a lot more ready to try to take her back into your life. Because at this point you will be acting like a man, and not like a little sad puppy that needs some care and attention. She will not come back to you out of pity, or out of how nice you are treating her. Treating people nicely etc, is something that friends do for each other. She will only come for you when she is attracted to you. And women are attracted to confident men. Become confident, become a man, and you will have way more chances of getting her back, and if you don't it won't matter as much to you as it does now. By that point you be getting some other girl into your life anyway.

 

Bottom line. Now that i think about it again, just don't contact her at all, not even about her stuff at your apartment. If she wants it she will call or something. Just work on yourself, become a better more confident person. After about a month, if you feel like you are ready, give her a quick call, make it short, and see what happens, ask her if she wants to meet up fro coffee or something. and show to her by your actions, and the way you talk that you are not a sad puppy anymore, that you are a man.

[OptomisticGirl]

very, very, very well said EQ.

 

I'm the same way... helping other people lets me forget my own problems.

[EQIQ]

thank you. But i feel like i plagiarized half the things i wrote Really most of it is what I learned over 1 month of NC with my ex. like.. we rly just broke up a few days ago, but we had been on NC for over a month before, when we had agreed for a "time-apart". During that time I studied a lot about my own insecurity, and obsessiveness, etc. And a lot of what I wrote here, is what i read somewhere else, and that made me change my perspective of things. So really.. i am just sharing what I learned in the past month and a half..

[OptomisticGirl]

yea, I'm learning as a I go, really. Some days are good, some are bad.

[baker53]

Thank you so much

 

The thing is she has not seen me be weak and pitiful, or cry and get upset. When we saw each other in class I acted like I was fine. She was the on that was acting a little weird. I was almost like she was arguing with her self on the inside because sometimes she would talk and flit like we did when we were together. Then other times she would catch herself doing it and would become more distant. When we talked on the phone the other night I didn't beg, cry, or anything. I just acted and talked like I normally do. This is pretty much the only way I have reached out to her, other than giving her money for food.

 

 

Right before we broke up I know that she was depressed in some way and insecure about her self because she told me. She did not get into grad school and does not know what she wants to do with her life now. Could this be contributing to the breakup? If so how do I handle it? I just worry that if I am out of sight that I will be out of mind and she will forget me.

 

If I asked her to marry me less than a month ago she would have happily said yes. She even told me that she had a dream that I proposed to her on Christmas. I know she somewhat resents me wanting to wait to get married as well. How can she just turn those feelings off like that? Should I express to her that I am willing to get married sooner?

[EQIQ]

At this point man, I don't know what else to tell you. What i think is the best for you I have already pointed out. If somebody else has an opinion on all of this, it might be different from mine, and could be the type of answer you are looking for. Or maybe you should just follow your own ideas and instinct. If it fails then its a life lesson for you. If it works then thats great. I mean, in the end you make your own decisions.

 

But as far as I see it, you should just have no contact with her.

[jimmajam]

Dude, myself, OptimisticGirls and EQ>IQ have given you excellent advice and you're just not willing to listen. We have all been where you are - the desperate oblivious stage. If we think you're being needy, clingy, desperate you can bet she thinks the same about you. Go ahead and do whatever you think is right and get it out of your system. If it works, awesome, if not you can come back and get some advice where to go next. You probably won't realize what we are saying until you experience it.

 

A lot of us had talked about marriege, buying a house, kids, future and still lost our loves. My ex told me she'd marry me many times over our relationship and guess what? She left. It's not about what they say, it's about what they do. At one point she did love you if you were talking marriage and the good thing is she probably still does love you. Nobody stays 3 years just to hang out a while. You need to work on yourself though or you'll get back together and have the same problems. The same goes for you it's about what you do not what you say.

 

I'm not going to bother you again, but I hope you see what we are trying to say. It will take time, but you'll get there quicker if you chill out and quit playing her game.

[EQIQ]

Like... I don't want to be mean, but I have given up hope in trying to make this guy see reality...

[baker53]

I'm sorry everyone, I really do appreciate all your advice. I'm just in a very dark place right now and I have no idea what to do.