What to do? Want to reconcile!

[Psych]

Hello. Since my breakup 5 week ago, I have spent countless hours picking my friends' brains and pouring over the generic rules for what to do now. I am hoping to get some advice that is more specific to my actual situation. Any insight at all would be much appreciated!

 

I will try to keep the story as short as possible. We dated for about 8 months. We were so cute and happy that we made everyone nauseous. We were each everything the other wanted. That is, until one bad day. We each had external issues that were weighing on us heavily. His issues were making him all irritable, and he was taking it out on me (JUST me) all day. This did nothing to help my mood, not to mention my ability to sympathize. We had a big, stupid, very regretable fight. A few days later, in my clumsy way, I tried to talk to him about it, but it was all wrong and I just ended up annoying him. Then 2 months later, he sprung it on me: these events killed the spark. Let's just be friends. He added a lot of other stuff about his personal issues weighing him down, and having to figure out his life, etc. These things are true, but I really doubt they would be considered issues for us had it not been for the bad day. He also said that there were a lot of little things I did that bugged him, very few of which he ever actually told me about at the time, and clearly can't just let go (and believe me, he should have let them go. His examples were so stupid and indicate some striking double standards).

 

So... even though there are some problems, I can't stop thinking about him. Since the breakup, I called him twice in the very beginning, to meet up and communicate about some of the really big things. The first time, 2 days after breaking up, before I launched into my speech, he said to me, "I'm so confused about us. I wonder if i made a mistake." After I told him some things, he said it helped. There was also one day in the beginning when I felt so bad about how I acted on our big bad day that I texted him a dramatic apology. He said I was forgiven. Since then I have not initiated any contact, but heard from him a few times. Once in the form of drunken texts, followed by an apology the next morning. Then a generic invite to his house party. Then a text during the party to ask if i was going to come. Luckily, I was out when the message came in, so I didn't answer until hours later. It was getting pretty late, but he was still trying to get me to come. I said no.

 

So... in the interest of maybe hopefully someday getting things back on track, what should I do? Is it best to continue not contacting him? Does there ever come a point when, if I still want him, I just have to lay my heart on the line for him to take or break (again)? If so, how do I know when it's time? Do you think reconciliation is even possible under the circumstances I have described?

 

Thanks for reading!

[Ms Darcy]

I personally don't like the idea of trying to get things back on track in terms of ex relationships. If he is going to get back together with you, there has to be a new sort of bond or relationship formed to create the impetus.

 

Reconciliation is possible, but not likely. And if it does happen, it probably won't happen any time soon. I don't say that to discourage you but just to say that you should focus your energy on moving on. It seems pretty clear that he knows you want to try again. If you keep spending time with him, he'll use the time with you to get over you ... which isn't what you want.

 

The goal is for him to miss the good things, to reconsider the bad things, and for him to initiate contacting you again. At that point, hopefully you can create a new bond, one that includes talking openly about issues before they start to bug him like they did before.

 

What were the things that bugged him about you, by the way?

[Psych]

Clarifications:

-I haven’t been spending time with him, and I don’t plan to, unless he gives me a sign that he wants me back.

-I’ve been hitting the gym, meditating, reading, filling my time with friends, shopping for hot new clothes, planning trips and makeovers, revisiting old goals, the whole package. I have even started taking steps to remedy the situation that was bothering me on the fateful day. And for the whole time I’m doing these things, I can’t stop thinking about him! Grrr….

-He did initiate contact with me. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks when he texted me, seeming to really want me to come to his party. I said no, and he said, “Oh, well. Next time then.”

-2 examples of things that bugged him: 1) I never watched a kung fu movie with him ( I kid you not. Kung fu. I guess he conveniently forgot about all the times I watched gangster movies, action movies, car movies, and anime with him, even though I hate them. I guess he also forgot about how he rejected just about every movie I wanted to watch, even on my birthday! 2) I don’t know the names of the tools he uses at work. I have never actually seen any of these tools. The closest I have come is watching him describe them and charade them out with his hands. Now, I’m bad with names at the best of times, so I’m not sure how I can be expected to pair names with the right memory of hand-charades. Might I add, ability to think in spatial terms like that is a very well-documented gender difference in the psychology literature, and women tend to fundamentally suck at it. But it’s my fault personally, I guess. He told me this one right after he explained that one of the reasons he needs space is to sort out his life, partly because he finds his job so mind-numbingly boring. When I don’t find it exhilarating, it’s grounds to hold a grudge. He implied that there were a lot more things along these lines, that he’s been storing up in his mind’s petty grievance file. I should point out, I don’t think this is actually about me. I have heard him complain about lots of weird, stupid little things about all of his friends, and complete strangers (it was the complete strangers who were irritating him to no end on the bad day).

-I’m not blaming myself, or him. I just really miss him.

-eagle07 – indeed, it would take a long time to lay it all out.  Is there any specific area you need clarification about?

 

Another question: Initially, I did agree to be friends. I have since come to realize that there’s no way that would work. Should I tell him that we can’t be friends, or just continue the no contact forever, unless he contacts me?

 

Thanks!

[Trusup103]

"-2 examples of things that bugged him: 1) I never watched a kung fu movie with him ( I kid you not. Kung fu. I guess he conveniently forgot about all the times I watched gangster movies, action movies, car movies, and anime with him, even though I hate them. I guess he also forgot about how he rejected just about every movie I wanted to watch, even on my birthday! 2) I don’t know the names of the tools he uses at work. I have never actually seen any of these tools. The closest I have come is watching him describe them and charade them out with his hands. Now, I’m bad with names at the best of times, so I’m not sure how I can be expected to pair names with the right memory of hand-charades. Might I add, ability to think in spatial terms like that is a very well-documented gender difference in the psychology literature, and women tend to fundamentally suck at it. But it’s my fault personally, I guess. He told me this one right after he explained that one of the reasons he needs space is to sort out his life, partly because he finds his job so mind-numbingly boring. When I don’t find it exhilarating, it’s grounds to hold a grudge."

You cant be serious?, This dude is out of his mind, those are not problems at all. Move on, and when he comes crawling back then make your decision.

[sweet_kisses]

Thanks for posting this.. this actually made me feel better. This guy IS out of his mind. So is my ex who claimed that we're not right for each other because we don't have the same hobbies... meaning he wants to spend all of his free time watching football (like 9 HOURS a day on sunday) and I say... no thanks, I'll join you for one game only. Apparently that makes us incompatible and is a huge relationship dealbreaker.

 

Its hard to see how stupid these points are when you are involved, but seeing them in terms of a third party its just like - wow, how immature and rediculous can this guy be?

 

So thanks for making me realize that..

[supercalifragilistic]

Apparently your boyfriend wants a BUDDY not a girlfriend. That is ridiculous. This makes me so angry because my ex left me for reasons similar to this. He wanted me to hang out with him and his friends all the time and talk to them as if I was one of his buddies. He wanted me to LOVE video games and wow as much as he did. So since I (and most other girls, btw) don't share all his interests with the same intensity, he says we are too different. Seriously. I wouldn't even mind doing any of that, had he told me BEFORE deciding to break up with me and given me a chance to try.

 

I hate how they seem to have no idea how a relationship is supposed to work. Ugh. Drives me insane.

 

I would keep no contact and if he contacts explain that right now you can't be friends with him because you are not completely healed and that he is not to contact you unless he is interested in reconciliation.

[sweet_kisses]

The amazing thing about these guys is that they break up with us b/c there's essentially nothing "in common", but my ex bf's ex was essentiall his female equivalent and they have EVERYTHING in common and he still found a reason to break up with her and after two years he questioned whether he loved her at all and thought of her more as a friend.

 

And now he tells me... we don't have enough in common.

 

Its like.. hello! If you a want a buddy gf, you're gonna like her like a buddy not a gf and break up. But if she's not a buddy gf, you still break up..

[LoveSoDeep]

In my experience when I guy tells you things like this it's just an excuse. It's not the real reason he wants to end the realtionship but he thinks the real reason would be too hurtful.

 

I once had a guy tell me he couldn't date me anymore b/c I have a tendency to leave cabinet doors open...I kid you not! To be fair, he also said he didn't like that I wasn't really cool with his dad...but really every thing I ever heard about his dad was negative so I had a hard time finding the silver lining especially when my ex couldn't seem to find one himslef. The point is, it turns out he just wasn't that into me...I wasn't the one for him and he started dating again right away. Maybe those little things were what clued him in that I wasn't the one....but if I had been "the one" they wouldn't have caused a break-up. If that makes sense.

[sweet_kisses]

Just exactly where do you get ideas from....

[Psych]

Responses-

Haha. It’s very therapeutic to see that the stupid grievances are amusing and crazy to everyone, and I’m glad it was of help to sweet kisses.

 

supercalifragilistic- “Seriously. I wouldn't even mind doing any of that, had he told me that BEFORE deciding to break up with me and given me a chance to try.” Me too!! He said that I didn’t seem to be trying to get interested in his hobbies! He didn’t try to involve me in things like his video games, and although I was invited to paintball a few times and never made it, I made it clear to him that I definitely would make it. I was just always invited on days when it wouldn’t work.

 

LoveSoDeep- “In my experience when I guy tells you things like this it's just an excuse. It's not the real reason he wants to end the realtionship but he thinks the real reason would be too hurtful.” I agree, and I should emphasize, I posted those stupid little grievances in response to a question in the first reply. The real reason was the stupid day when we were both irritable and not getting along, and didn’t properly communicate about it (until after the breakup). I’m not clear on just how deal-breaking the stupid little things were- I think maybe he was reaching for things to make it harder to argue with him about that one day. And also, I suspect his ongoing personal issues make little things bug him a lot more than they would otherwise. I told him he should seek counseling. He agreed, but said he doesn’t have time. :S

 

eagle07- “hmmmm how did you broke up? Have you talked together without any argument/fight that the two of you should better break up?” We have never had any arguments. We got along fine throughout the whole time, before and after. He was storing up this baggage for months and didn’t bring it up until he decided, without me, that it was over. I had no idea there was a problem.

I seriously doubt I can help him get mature and be his friend. I have tried this before, and it’s not worth the trouble. Also, I think the idea for reconciliation has to come from him. When guys I dump try to come crawling back to me, it’s just annoying and pathetic.

 

“Rooting for your intention of reconciliation, going to no contact actually helps initially as this will give your ex bf the time to realize what went wrong and hopefully he will act appropriately.” No contact initially, agreed. But what comes next? Is it ok text once in a while to see how he’s doing? Should I text him on Christmas?

 

This sucks.

[LoveSoDeep]

Okay after re-reading...I think he obviusly wants some form of contact with you...he did afterall invite you to his party. So you need to decide if he just wants to be friends...is that okay? Have you healed enough?

 

If you feel you need to heal and need some time then maybe you should try NC or very, very LC for a while...if it makes you feel better tell him you need some space...tell him you need to work on yourself for 2 weeks or 30 days or whatever you think you need. It's all up to you and you need to do what is best for you.

 

Should you contact him on Chirstmas and is it okay to text him now and then?....I say so far he seems open to that...so if you can say that no matter what his response is you'll be okay....then go ahead.

[sweet_kisses]

Psych, google passive aggressive behavior.

 

You're ex bf is displaying some of those traits, as did mine. He might not have all of them, but he seems to have a big one which is "if someone truly loved me/cared for me, they would know what I want".

 

It seems like he was assuming this like my ex did. There was no way to you to know that he wanted you to play video games because he never said so directly, he just assumed that you'd pick up the hint. And since you didn't - it means you don't care about him, you don't appreciate him, you guys aren't meant to be or whatever.

 

Its really childish and immature. Its like a kid throwing a tamper tantrum minus the screaming. I would honestly let him steam with NC and think about things for a bit. And then maybe if you still want to reconcile - after you realize how childish he is - you can slowly try to make your way back into his life but you have to be in control all the time and if he's open to reconciliation you have to make the point that this is not okay. Because if you get back together - what are you going to do, walk around on eggshells for the rest of the relationship questioning whether he's wants you to do something or not? He's acting like a child, so treat him like one.

[sweet_kisses]

Hi again.. so nice to hear from you..

 

Okay so there was no fight/argument on the time break up. That would mean it is just over... just like that. He was the one who got the problem and not you. This is a good basis on how you deal with the situation.

 

You are right that reconciliation has to come from him but you should be initiating some (baits) signals without actually showing that you are after him.

 

NC. Go for it. Should you text him on Christmas? No. Better yet, change your number. For this NC, let him realize your true value to him. Give him Christmas gift by letting him miss you so much through going in NO CONTACT. Don't text him.

 

What should you do next? link removed here for more valuable tips

 

Good luck.

 

How long do you think she should stay NC?

[sweet_kisses]

I think until three months... or until the guy initiates a meet up. If it is simply text messages. Ignore it.

 

After an 8 month relationship?

 

If it takes about half the time of the relationship to get over onenormally..assuming he even has something to get over...3 months is wayy too long.

[Psych]

*GASP!* Yes! Thank you! As soon as I read "passive aggressive" I remembered that he actually used that phrase to describe himself! When I google it, there are a LOT of things that don't seem like him, but a few that definitely do, particularly irritability, inability to deal with anger, difficult childhood, cynical attitude: believing the worst of human nature and motives; having a sneering disbelief in e.g. selflessness of others - (he actually told me that those stupid little things he described-like the Kung fu thing- make me seem selfish). I'm so glad you posted that!

[sweet_kisses]

*GASP!* Yes! Thank you! As soon as I read "passive aggressive" I remembered that he actually used that phrase to describe himself! When I google it, there are a LOT of things that don't seem like him, but a few that definitely do, particularly irritability, inability to deal with anger, difficult childhood, cynical attitude: believing the worst of human nature and motives; having a sneering disbelief in e.g. selflessness of others - (he actually told me that those stupid little things he described-like the Kung fu thing- make me seem selfish). I'm so glad you posted that!

 

Yup.. mine told me that I'm selfish because I don't ask him enough follow up questions about his day..

[Psych]

Yup.. mine told me that I'm selfish because I don't ask him enough follow up questions about his day..

Oh my. lol. It really makes me wonder if there are any guys out there who are not mentally ill.

 

You said in a previous post that 3 months without contact is way too long. Why is that? When/how would you contact the guy (even if he is a child)?

[sweet_kisses]

Oh my. lol. It really makes me wonder if there are any guys out there who are not mentally ill.

 

You said in a previous post that 3 months without contact is way too long. Why is that? When/how would you contact the guy (even if he is a child)?

 

1. Forgive him and let go of all the emotional pain. Realize that everyone is their own person, and just kids grow up someday and make their own decisions, you can't tell him what to do.

 

2. Go out on another date or 3. It'll help you realize that there are other guys out there and he's just one of the many guys you potentially want to date - assuming he proves himself.

 

3. Repeat the point above enough until it becames second nature to you.

 

4. Make yourself look as hot as possible, but appropriate for the situation (i.e. don't dress like a tart at chuch b/c he's going to be there). Children and men are easily distracted by pretty visuals. This includes exercise, proper diet to clear up your skin, better make up, better fitting clothing, anthing you can think of.

 

5. Find a way to initiate contact or see him. Be really super nice and show a lot of interest in him. You can even tell him how you saw a kung fu movie on tv and decided to watch it b/c of him and it wasn't half bad. You can def see why he appreciates them now. Basically -pretend like he's a cute guy that you met and you want him to ask you out. Don't talk to him for more than 10-15 min.

 

I guess that's how I would go about doing it.

[Psych]

Well thanks everyone for posting. Please keep the posts coming if anyone has anything more to add. I am now able to look at the situation from a whole new angle and truly evaluate whether or not I really want someone who's going to be like that. Thanks again!