The Dumpers View...?

[Superman87]

Firstly, do you reckon there is a site like ENA out there where dumpers go after ending a relationship? I know there are a few out here, but the majority I would say are dumpees searching for advice and hope after having their heart broken.

 

The reason dumpees come here like I said above is because they need advice and hope. They are in a bad place, an emotional wreck, the world feels like it has ended and they are at one of the lowest points in there life. They deeply love their ex and want to know how to get back together.

 

Now, what is a dumpers initial reaction to ending a relationship? I've read a number of threads from way back where it is thought that the inital 2 or 3 weeks the dumper feels relief. This is because they have had this on there mind for at least a few weeks, maybe even longer. It has been playing on there mind and now finally they have ended it. It is said they are also experiencing some guilt at this stage also, because, ultimately they still care for the dumpee.

 

Once the 3 week mark is up, they apparently begin to convince thereselves that they made the right decision. This is particularly when friends and family question them over things. In rebound situations, it seems that this period is where the dumper starts a new relationship. They use this person to put it bluntly.

 

The dumpers who dont enter a rebound relationship and get to the 6th week of a break-up "apparently" begin to miss the dumpee. I assume it is around here where they start to question whether the decision they made was the right one?

 

There is a lot of assumptions with this. For example, I am referring more to long lasting relationships (i.e 3 years plus) and the relationship being a good one. I am also assuming the dumpee has given the dumper time and space and hasnt been stalking them pleading for another chance.

 

I just thought it might be interesting to help people understand how the dumper feels/reacts/acts during the initial stages of a break-up.

 

If anyone can give any information it would greatly appreciated.

[sparkles4]

I think what the dumper feels, and when, is different for everyone. I usually feel relieved and free after I end a relationship I no longer want to be in, but at the same time feel sad to be letting go of something that was important to me and guilty for hurting the other person. I don't typically question my decision, because usually the breakup is something I've been thinking about doing for a long time and I've had plenty of time to question it already.

[jbrooklyn]

I think what the dumper feels, and when, is different for everyone. I usually feel relieved and free after I end a relationship I no longer want to be in, but at the same time feel sad to be letting go of something that was important to me and guilty for hurting the other person. I don't typically question my decision, because usually the breakup is something I've been thinking about doing for a long time and I've had plenty of time to question it already.

 

If the dumpee disappears from your life, does that help you in any wayget over it easier?

[Superman87]

I think what the dumper feels, and when, is different for everyone. I usually feel relieved and free after I end a relationship I no longer want to be in, but at the same time feel sad to be letting go of something that was important to me and guilty for hurting the other person. I don't typically question my decision, because usually the breakup is something I've been thinking about doing for a long time and I've had plenty of time to question it already.

 

What type of relationships were these? I could understand the emotions you describe if it was a short term relationship i.e upto 24 months however anything past 4 years or so and that seems quite a harsh and cold view.

 

As the above poster said, did the ex's from these relationships chase and stalk?

[DaveTrump]

if it's a clean split and the dumpee says something like "ok if this is what you want and its going to make you happy then fine" as opposed to harrassing and being bitter then there might be a chance of reconciliation IF the dumpers rebound/new life doesn't work out...

 

of course, dumpers are the ones taking the risk in all of this. dumpees rebuild their confidence and life again so may come out of it much more better off than a dumper. Particularly a dumper that opted for greener grass as opposed to a dumper running for the hills because of some sort of abuse.

 

all in all a balance is delivered appropriately to each party. both sides learn more about themselves with the decisions they made, so although we move in different directions, and grow in different ways, it doesn't mean that our paths will never cross again.

[fawndango]

I have been the dumper and the dumpee (right now). I have to say that when i was the dumper i was relieved for two weeks, the dumpee never called and i started to feel guilty and question my decision and called and got back together. This happened twice with the same person.

 

He dumped me a year later, when he dumped me I stayed strong and did not call, and eventually he did call but was not going to change his mind, guess he was confused as to why i wasn't chasing him.

 

On another occasion i was the dumper because he could not make up his mind and i had enough. I did not call him and thought about him every day for two months. He called two months later, and still was not ready to make up his mind. So that was the end of that.

 

Right now i am the dumpee (different guy) and i was relieved for a couple of days until he called three days later and hung up when i said hello, tried calling back and he did not answer. I have not called back and i don't intend to. It hurts like hell but actually i am happy that it was his decision so now i don't have to feel guilty about his mistake. It has been two weeks so i don't know if he still feels relieved or feels guilty, or has even met someone. I know if it were me dumping him, i would feel on top of the world for a couple of weeks until reality set in, and then i would start to wonder why he wasn't calling and if i made the wrong choice. I think it depends on the circumstances and why you broke up to begin with. I think i'd rather be the dumpee instead of the dumper. This way i wouldn't have to be the one who is stuck with any regrets.

[Superman87]

I think i'd rather be the dumpee instead of the dumper. This way i wouldn't have to be the one who is stuck with any regrets.

 

Very good point.

 

Whilst the initial pain and heart break is extremely difficult to deal with when you're a dumpee with every day that passes by you really do heal and become a much better person. I reckon by month 4 of a break, assuming the dumpee as followed the standard guidlines ie;

 

1. No contact

2. Work on improving your self

3. Begin new hobbies

4. Socialise with friends & family

5. Forigve your ex. Accept the situation and move on.

 

They really will feel so much better. It is as if you start at a low point initally but the only way is up.

 

Now, with the dumper it is possibly the reverse. They start off feeling quite ok and relieved that they've have ended the relationship (of course there is a little guilt in there also). But as time passes, things slowly take a turn for the worst. Perhaps the rebound isnt working out as much as they first expected and now they are dealing with the prospect of TWO broken relationships in the space of 4-6 months. Or, if there is no rebound in place perhaps thoughts start creeping into their mind whether they made the right decision?

 

One major positive with being the dumpee is that you can move forward with no regrets. The same cannot be said with the dumper, who after ended the relationship, took a huge risk in losing that person forever.

[LittleBoots]

I'm the dumper in my situation and I am having serious doubts. I have many responsibilties and commitments and I didn't feel he was supportive of me. He also wanted to wait to see "if he would move in with me or marry me"

 

We talked about moving in together and then two weeks later he went and changed his mind. And do you know how he did it? But not actually telling me he didn't want to move in with me but by taking me to view the new place he was planning to buy. A one bedroom flat untold miles away. When I asked what would be happening with us he said he wouldn't be moving in yet.

 

I wanted someone I could share my life with, I didn't feel he wanted to share his life with me. I felt compartmentalized and like an option. We were together 18 months.

 

I felt very confident when I made the decision to end it and I followed through.

 

Now I am not sure if I really miss HIM or the relationship. I know I walk round like someone died. I'm not eating or sleeping. I'm grieving lost dreams. I miss talking to him. I miss my best friend.

 

I lost my hope. I was always "hoping" he would change his mind and want to move in with me, marry me. He kept saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Great Words. His actions didn't match the words though.

 

And as painful as it is I decided I didn't want to hang around waiting and hoping and praying for him to change. I realised he was a stubborn git who never did anything without careful thought and I was spontaneous.

 

I realise also that he had dreams and wants to pursue with regards to getting his own place and I really did understand and support that. My thing was it wasn't what I was looking for in a relationship with someone I love to have to wait another x amount of years before I got to wake every morning with him. I compromised a hell of a lot in order to stay in the relationship. I looked for the best option for both. His idea was "this is how it is and is going to be"

 

So I quit. Realised I didn't accept it. I don't know if I have done the right thing. My friends and family say I have. But they don't live my life.

 

How do I feel? Like I been punched in the gut. Absolutely gutted. I thought he was the one. We just didn't want the same things out of life.

[verylonely]

I could have written this!!!! exactly the same, except he dumped me, by txt, and one month later is now in a relationship with someone new!!! I am devastated

[LittleBoots]

I could have written this!!!! exactly the same, except he dumped me, by txt, and one month later is now in a relationship with someone new!!! I am devastated

 

I am sorry and yeah that would be devastating to find out.

 

Dumping by text Nice (not!)

 

Walking away from someone and letting go is the hardest thing to do.

[verylonely]

I am sorry and yeah that would be devastating to find out.

 

Dumping by text Nice (not!)

 

Walking away from someone and letting go is the hardest thing to do.

 

 

I am struggling with the letting go......this is how horrible this man is........when I found out I txt him to say that I knew and that it proved that my love was wasted on him. He replied only wanting to know how I found out and that she is better than me, what an * * * * * * *

[sparkles4]

If the dumpee disappears from your life, does that help you in any wayget over it easier?

 

I think so. If the dumpee keeps showing up, you're constantly reminded of the breakup. Out of sight, out of mind.

[LittleBoots]

I am struggling with the letting go......this is how horrible this man is........when I found out I txt him to say that I knew and that it proved that my love was wasted on him. He replied only wanting to know how I found out and that she is better than me, what an * * * * * * *

 

Yikes.

 

I suppose you got to think about what it would have been like to endure a relationship with this guy if he was callous and unfeeling enough to dump you by text.

 

You do realise though he is living rent free in your head and heart and doesn't even deserve "anything" from you? Is he worth it?

 

I think that is how you rationalize moving on and letting go. Ask yourself that. Is he worth it? If no, remove yourself from the guilt and pain and go live your life.

[fawndango]

When i first read this is was horrified at the fact that he would go to such lengths to show you that he didn't want to move in with you BUT men are not good at communicating their feelings and thus instead of saying it he decided to show you, doesn't make it right.

 

If he wanted a place on his own he should know that trying to get a place with someone else is more cost effective and beneficial in the long run. I have been in a similar situation as you actually. There is nothing that you did wrong, he clearly wants something different than what you want, and you both have different goals. Just leave him alone, its hard but it will be best in the long run so he doesn't string you along.

[fawndango]

Hah i totally agree, the only way from bottom is up. I think you nailed it right on the head.

[jimmajam]

BUMP!

 

I've been thinking a lot today about the dumpers view. What is going on in the dumpers head months later that makes them reach out again and even become interested in the dumpee again? I try to make sense of it, but honestly why would the tables turn especially if the dumpee has gone no contact or you barely ever talk.

 

If I were the dumper I"m not sure I would try and come back months down the line. For me I would probably realize my mistake sooner than later.

[curiocity]

BUMP!

 

I've been thinking a lot today about the dumpers view. What is going on in the dumpers head months later that makes them reach out again and even become interested in the dumpee again? I try to make sense of it, but honestly why would the tables turn especially if the dumpee has gone no contact or you barely ever talk.

 

If I were the dumper I"m not sure I would try and come back months down the line. For me I would probably realize my mistake sooner than later.

 

Unfortunately this sounds true. Maybe the dumper has ego and dont want to show weakness but that means that they arent willing to take a risk, put anything on the line etc. You need that for love to work again. But I read other threads here where the dumper had feelings for years but didnt come back for fear of hurting the dumpee again.

 

I can tell you its easier to dunp than be dumped. If the dumpee acts up and says bad things to dumper at break up, it makes dumper's life easier.

[Tanzi]

With my last relationship it ended on a mutual "understanding" ... we just stopped talking to each other lol!! After spending a rather frosty weekend together and having decided that I wanted things to end I was relieved when my bf didn't want call or text me. For the first two weeks I was thanking my lucky stars that things had ended so easily. However after two weeks I started thinking more about things. I started to wonder what was going on in his head ... why hadn't he called me? ... was he not missing me? ... had he wanted things to end too? ... did he not at least want to be the friends that we were before? Basically I started missing him. In the end I texted him only to find out that he had wanted things to end too and for him to flatly reject friendship. I was devastated and am now questionning why I wanted things to end in the first place.

[LifeGoesOn09]

As the dumper I feel like * * * * . I have feelings for my ex but there was a confusion of them hence the reason I put the relationship on ice. If I could get my full feelings back for my ex and never have another new girl I would. I fxxkin' wanna be with her but I know each time I see there is a kinda of emptiness of emotion at the same time. I also feel major major guilt even though she says I don't have to feel that way. Sadly there appears to be no fn answer to my predicament. In my case as the dumper I feel and continue to feel like shxx.

[mikeyc77]

As the dumper I feel like * * * * . I have feelings for my ex but there was a confusion of them hence the reason I put the relationship on ice. If I could get my full feelings back for my ex and never have another new girl I would. I fxxkin' wanna be with her but I know each time I see there is a kinda of emptiness of emotion at the same time. I also feel major major guilt even though she says I don't have to feel that way. Sadly there appears to be no fn answer to my predicament. In my case as the dumper I feel and continue to feel like shxx.

 

This is exactly my situation. Perfect girl, loves me unconditionally but my feelings are just not the same any more. However, I haven't done the deed yet. Still trying to figure things out in my head but I told her I don't want her to move in with me yet so she's very upset. No bloody idea what to do. Finish it and risk losing one of the best people in my life or keep going and risk an unhappy relationship if things don't change. Just like you, the guilt is terrible.

[LifeGoesOn09]

This is exactly my situation. Perfect girl, loves me unconditionally but my feelings are just not the same any more. However, I haven't done the deed yet. Still trying to figure things out in my head but I told her I don't want her to move in with me yet so she's very upset. No bloody idea what to do. Finish it and risk losing one of the best people in my life or keep going and risk an unhappy relationship if things don't change. Just like you, the guilt is terrible.

Mate it sucks beyond belief.

 

I have a girl who loves me, is generous, sweet and we have/had no arguments and a pretty much a perfect relationship and then I suddenly lose that buzz and will probably lose the best girl ever because of this fn bull * * * * . My fault because I guess ultimately I have commitment phobia and that's definitely been a catalyst. She removed a lot of my guilt from various conversations we had but I still feel guilty as hell.

 

I'd like to be positive but it appears there isn't an answer. I want to be friends with her but that's been tough especially as the last time she came over I broke down and since then our conversations have been really tough for me.

 

For me being the dumper is horrible and early on (the period you're going through) was a living hell!!!