no contact question

[mtastic]

my story, short version: 3 weeks agogf broke up saying she didn't couldn't handle relationship at the time but wanted to be friends, i spen the next 2 weeks beggin, pleading and being generally childish, last sunday i decided no contact was the answer. Now there is a new problem, it seems not only did she come to the same decision, but she is trying to avoid me entirely. I kept her name on my Aim buddy list (because i want to prove to myself i can resist temptation and not talk to her) and I have noticed that every time i come online and she is there, she signs off almost immediately, or if she comes online while I am on she does not stay on for long. So it would seem that she has decided rather than simply block me and go on chatting with all her friends, she has decided to interrupt a portion of her social life just to avoid my talking to her. As you can guess this brings about some conflicting emotions, i want to say to her "there's no need to avoid me, i'm gonna leave you alone," but not only would that violate no contact, but it would appear as if i was just trying to "one up" her on no contact.

Also, earlier in the week i decided i should write her a letter apologizing for the way i acted after she broke up with me. I stopped my self before i emailed it to her, but i still feel like apologizing in some way because i know what i did made her uncomfortable.

what should i do?

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I know you are hurting right now. the no contact is for you to heal. and maybe for her to miss you. Begging and pleading will get you nowhere. And more than likely push her farther away. You don't want to sound desperate. With 3 Billion women in the world. I'm sure the right won is still out there searching for you too. Let it go, sounds as if she just wants to be friends. That also can be a nice way of letting you go. It is also telling you that you were a nice caring person, and she really does not want to hurt you. Let it go, time to move on.

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[lipstick]

i think you should talk to her,................

ask her...... whats going on? and if she still wants to be friends.....

[sachat]

I think that no contact may be the best thing to do right now. Put some distance between the two of you, and dont try to contact her if she seem like she want to avoid talking to you. You got to respect that if you hope to get back with her.

[Eric f]

no contact would be better try to keep your self busy, good luck mate!

[Scout]

I agree with No Contact, but I also understand that you feel remorseful for pleading and making a scene, etc. I think a VERY short email saying something along the lines of, listen, I know the last two weeks have been pretty emotional/stressful, and I apologize for freaking out....for what it's worth, I freaked because I cared about you so much...wish I hadn't acted out, though, and please know that I wish only happy things for you...hope all is well, take care - would be fine and than after that - NO CONTACT for at least three weeks.

 

If she hasn't initiated contact by then, than you will have to decide if you think you'd be ready or even want to be friends with her, and thus make contact if you do. But I would use these three weeks as a time to do things for yourself, go out as much as possible (avoid alcohol if you can, it'll make you do something stupid, trust me on this one ) do a little reflecting on the relationship - what was wrong, what was right about it, the qualities you liked in her, the ones that you weren't so crazy about, your own behaviors and attitudes in the relationship, and her's - you get the idea.

[mtastic]

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm gonna keep up no contact for the most part, how ever i was thinking of taking scout's advice and sending a short email to apologize. I have been working on one for the past few days trying to get it just right, I think just typing it has helped me out some. Here is what i plan to send:

 

Dear (name),

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to the decision that the best thing to do is to leave you alone for the time being and not try to contact you for a while after this email. I know that in pretty much every conversation I've had with you in the past three weeks I've done something to hurt you or make you uncomfortable and have just been pushing you even further away from me. The best way I can see to stopping this is to just leave you alone until you feel comfortable and are ready to talk. So I'll leave it up to you to determine the next time we talk.

I know you don't want to talk right now, and don't expect you'll to want to anytime soon, if ever, so I want to apologize to you for the way I've acted lately. I know I've been very immature, and that I let my insecurities get the better of me to the point where they belied my trust in you. I know there is no way to excuse or explain away my behavior and I'm sure you don't want excuses anyway, nor do I think apologizing absolves of anything I have done. I just realize I have caused you a lot of pain and discomfort lately and want you to know I feel at least as much pain myself knowing I caused it, as you are the last person in the world I would ever want to hurt.

I'm sure my actions have blown whatever chance we might have had at staying friends, and I will probably not see you again any time soon, so I want to end by saying thank you. You were the first person outside of family I ever felt really cared about me, and one of the only people who ever showed me any affection. I hope I made you feel at least a smallest fraction as good as you made me feel when we were together.

Take care,

(me)

 

 

Anybody have any comments on it, i don't think i'll be able to work up the nerve to send it for a few days anyway. I'm thinking of taking out the last paragraph, as it seems like getting emotional is whats gotten me in trouble since we broke up.

I'd welcome any feedback.

[Scout]

I strongly advise against sending this email. I think it's too long, depressing, and hopeless. It's going to annoy her and make her feel guilty at the same time - not a fun combination. Sorry, but that's the way it's likely to come accross to her too! Please trust me on this, the email I suggested is much more appropriate, it's not too heavy (and right now, she's likely associating you with drama), and to the point. I would write this:

 

Dear _____,

 

This email may not be welcome at this point, but I feel I owe you an apology for all the drama these last several weeks, and subjecting us both to several unpleasant scenes. Although I'm not proud of my behavior, for what it's worth, there was genuine caring for you behind it, and I guess I just lost it for a while.

 

Luckily, I kind of pulled myself together, and just wanted to let you know the time we spent together meant a great deal to me, and I have a lot of good memories. We may not talk for a while, but I do wish you all the best, and hope all is going well for you.

 

Take care,

[mtastic]

Thanks for the critique scout. You're right, looking at it again it is rather long, depressing and hopless. I think that's part of my problem, looking at my other posts here I realize that depressing and hopless has been my general mindset recently, and i seem to enjoy endlessly talking about it. I like you're letter suggestion, but i think I'm gonna hold off sending anything for now, and just concentrate on no contact and keeping myself occupied. I'm also gonna try working on being a bit more positive in my outlook, but thats not something I'm terribly good at.

thanks.