~Why suicide isn't the way~

[blueangel]

I'm going to post a few occurances in my life and how I dealt with it unhealthily and then how I came to use these situations years later (instead of give up while waiting). There are certainly more than I list here... and each situation has always turned into GOOD.

 

Problem of Abandonment, Change, Grief: My dad cheated on my mom when I was younger. When he would come home, he wouldn't look me in the eyes because of the guilt he felt about it. So our relationship felt detached and I got quiet when he would come home. Then, he and Elaine moved in together. I was subjected to great change and silent turmoil. Her son Tanner and I were like sister and brother though. After a few years, Elaine got cancer and died. I was put on medication to deal with the grief of that and not seeing Tanner anymore. Elaine and I didn't get along in life but made beautiful peace at the end that taught me so much about unconditional love and if you know the person in front of you is dying...well...the way you communicate instantly becomes less guarded and more loving. If only it didn't take that to learn it.

 

How I Unhealthily Dealt and What Happened: My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and I began having panic attacks thinking I saw her ghost. This occurred for a year before we knew what was the source of the problem. I remember not being able to sleep and having my mom drive me around, even to local gas stations. I was terrified of sleep due to my dreams. So, for the last two weeks of tenth grade, I was weened off in a psych ward, left alone in an alien place it felt where no one cared to listen just cared about getting me off the pill. I slept alone and was scared at night with no one to comfort me.

 

What I Learned:

1. The kids at the pysch ward were treated as a behavioral problem and given chores and made to watch videos. Their actual problems/emotions were not addressed.

2. People take their cognitive abilities for granted and waste it on drinking and drugs.

3. Forgiveness and how to make peace with someone, Elaine, and how to cherish your last memories together because of that

4. I didn't want to forget Tanner.

 

How It Became POSITIVE:

1. I began comforting a little girl there who told me she was bullied in school. The only way that got me through it was thinking I'd help others some day. This was in tenth grade as I said. RECENTLY, I have done leadership training with those who have disabilities and they tell their stories as also a way to help people in charge of a grant learn where it should go. I used that oppertunity to tell my story about how we see problems but we don't always see how poor the problems are solved in society and how pysch wards are more about treating the symptoms of a pill than about being there for the person so it is a silent, miserable process.

 

-MY WISH TO HELP OTHERS CAME YEARS AFTER IT TRAUMATIZED AND CONFUSED ME BUT SINCE I HELD ON, I STILL CAN MAKE CHANGE-

 

2. To send Tanner gifts and letters through the years. I do it at least once a year and I give him life advice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Problem of Heart Break and People Who Turn: I made friends with a girl named Kira in high school. She was abused at home so I let her live with me on and off for two years. She would pin me down at times and try to wrestle with me as something that sexually stimulated her and because we liked each other more than friends. I never thought anything of it except that instead of tenderness, the type of relationship we shared was very neglectful of me. It became about her and her pain. After she found somewhere to live finally, she cut me off and it made me feel used. I felt completely vulnerable because I had never opened up to someone like I had to her and felt like I needed her to be/feel myself. So, I was codependent and reliant on her wellbeing and our relationship.

 

How I Unhealthily Dealt and What Happened: I couldn't stop contacting her. At first, she said, "I am only texting you to say that I don't want to be anger or in hate anymore. But I just don't want to live a lie. Maybe someday we can talk but right now I'm letting go and you should too." So eventually after a while, she texted me again and we forgave each other and said goodbye. Then a week later, I felt everything that had happened between us and how it was about her come up and I yelled at her via text. That started an off and on texting of her that became an obsession to figure out what happened and how to change it. I held on SO tightly that it was ME who was hurting from it. She ended up taking me to court for harassment.

 

What I Learned: You should NEVER have to chase someone to make them care about you. Remorse should never be one sided and no one should punish you with silence especially when they see you having trouble with it. In this case, she just wanted to let go. I didn't. I wanted to resolve my issues with her and the pain. I felt like I could change her and so every effort, every good things I said or put out was not replied to and I lost my value for a while. I was valuing someone else OVER me which is NEVER healthy or good. Time and separation decrease attachment and my texting her kept opening the same wounds- for seven months.

 

How it Became Positive: She never came to the followup court date (there were two) and the case was dismissed. I suddenly started crying as this had been a small threat to my future teaching career and became so appreciative of everything I had been building in my life and all the positive attempts I've made to learn from this. I felt an ABSOLUTE FREEDOM and appreciation for my life that had almost been taken away (TO AN EXTENT) due to this. I thanked God I think a thousand times and realized how much I have.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Problem of Not Letting Go: Do you see this theme here? It really starts with chasing after people who are like my parents- distant and always leaving. I wanted my parent's love. I wanted Kira's love. But while this was happening, I was in a half friend half together type of confusing relationship with a guy named Dan. He was into another girl and we had been friends and a little more for six years. He never really gave me what I wanted though "sorry" when he did wrong and to be there when I was having a meltdown. So, he finally decided to cut me off.

 

How I Unhealthily Dealt and What Happened: The night he was having this argument with me of "Goodbye" I felt like my only security in life was leaving me. Kira had not been my security, just my conquest it seemed. He helped me through that. Without him, I felt like I'd go insane and felt deep pain. So...I got suicidal. My heart, body, and voice just wailed at the loss of will I allowed myself. Then, I somewhat blacked out...I saw skulls and my pain pulling me in, as if that is where I would go if I gave into these negative thoughts. I felt like demons were attacking me- literally or figuratively, not sure. But it was darkness due to my thoughts.

 

What I Learned: This is going to make me cry. Dan called the police after I told him my desire. He had laughed and put me down for it. I wanted to prove to him I was serious (irrational, right?). He also called my mom.

 

How It Became Positive: My mom ran up the steps and then a few seconds, police came. I came downstairs and said I was okay and started crying. Instead of scolding me, they looked at me with compassion and one told me "It does get better." I was sincerely touched and my mom decided to make me soup and sit with me on the couch. I knew also that if I had done it, all those who look up to me- my nieces, my cousins, even my friends (and eventually Tanner who would have heard about it)...it would have set the WORST example for them and I would have awakened them to a grief that they should never know. So, I stopped and though at times, it's like in life I want to give up because sometimes i feel down about myself to an extent it just hurts me so much...I remember this experience and lift myself back up

 

ALTHOUGH THERE IS MORE TO TELL, I AM USING WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN MY LIFE TO LEARN LESSONS AND TO WRITE A FICTIONAL STORY INCORPORATING THESE LESSONS- TURNING DARKNESS...INTO LIGHT. AND MOST OF ALL, FINDING HAPPINESS IN THAT PROCESS I'VE TAKEN WHICH DOES TAKE TIME.