At the start of it all.....

[catter]

Hello to all the people out there in my position trying to get the ex gf back. here's my story. I took my girlfriend for granted. She loved me deeply and i always had the upper hand in the relationship. We were together for around 2 years. right towards the end, i got depressed with my own life, and blocked her out of my life. She did everything to snap me out of it, make me feel better but i just pushed her away. Didnt return phone calls and messages, stuff like that.

I hate myself for it now. How i would love to go back in time.

Just 3 days ago we caught up, and she told me it was over. I was totally shattered. After my weeks of poor contact and depression, she had cried herself to sleep, and eventully gotten over me. She told me tonight to move on, it would never happen again. I am in total upset status, anxiety, crying for long hours, and depression. Ive told her over the past 2 days how much she means to me, how much i want her back, crying, but nothing. she has stood firm.

Should i start the process of no contact? after she told me to move on and that we should not communicate ever again? or will that just be ending it more. any feedback would be most appreciated. ryan.

[dikaia880]

In my opinion...take it for what it is...She ended it because you took her for granted, you have to show her that won't happen...no contact would not work...How long has it been since the break?

You cannot plead or beg your way back to her, you have to show her love without expecting anything back...Do not smother her with phone calls, but do not back out of the picture completely...

 

Sorry for what your going through...and best of luck, remember "Your attitude is what you make it..."

[whitegarden]

Take some time and decide if you really want her back or if you are just feeling sorry she is gone. You said you were going through a bad time and shut her out. But I figure you didn't expect her to actually leave.

 

Once you decide if you (and only you know) truly want her back you have to change your behavior. The problem from the past was you taking her for granted. Then stop. Send her flowers with a card that just signs your name. Send them again. Do not call do not email give her her space. But if you send flowers to her work she will feel special and co-workers will ask her what's going on. This will allow her to talk about your relationship. When she's talking about you she's thinking about you, even when it's bad. When you keep sending the flowers the co-workers will start saying "he's not so bad", "I think he really cares for you". She will call you. She may ask you to stop but don't. When she says "I asked you to stop" tell her you can't just let her go. YOU HAVE TO BE PROACTIVE. The ball is in your court no matter how many times she says it's over if you pursue her she'll come around. My only advice is decide if she really is the one for you or if you are just being selfish and lonely.

[woobiegirl]

I'm sorry to hear your going through "double" pain right now. After reading your post, I'm thinking possibly there's more to it then your blocking her out of your life while sorting through personal issues. Not sure what you meant by

I always had the upper hand in the relationship.

but, your time apart may have given her time to evaluate this part of your involvement. Although your "no contact" with her was because of your depression, ...and depression can make us hurt the closest ones to us, not because we want to, it's generally because we don't want to be a burden. During that time, you didn't realize the pain she was going through by shutting her out...she didn't understand why. It's not going to be easy for your g/f to come back like nothing happened. Right now she may be looking for positive action more than words, but you might try writing her a letter expressing your feelings, thoughts and future plans. Also let her know you understand the pain she felt during your absense and tell her to take time to think about whether the two of you have a future together and for her to get back in touch with you. I agree with dikaia...no pleading or begging, you are letting her know how you feel and the choice is hers. Tell her you have grown and learned and that no matter what happens in the future, you would never shut her out again.

 

I sincerely hope it works out for you,

Woobiegirl

[catter]

Thank you both dearly for your comments. It means a lot to me.

This has only happened over the past 3 days, so i'm up at 3:33am here writing this message in desperation to try and do something that might make me feel better. Cant sleep, anxiety attacks and crying are killing me.

 

I do know truly that she is the one for me. Especially now. It may look selfish that all of a sudden i want her back after 5 weeks of neglection, but how i'm feeling now, has showed me how much she really means to me, and its more than anything else in the world.

I feel so stupid, frustrated and angry at myself for letting her go. Its the biggest mistake of my life. I would do anything to get her back. anything.

[catter]

I wrote her a very heartfelt letter woobiegirl, and put in with a bunch of expensive roses and left it on her doorstep the other night. I explained everything, how i was clouded by depression, and that now my eyes are open, and how i really felt about her in great detail.

But tonight she still said no. It will be of very little sleep tonight.

I begged, cryed, and she still said that there is no chance of us getting back together.

I'm crying writing this, here i am 24, trying everything to get the girl of my dreams to come back. I think its over, and its killing me.

I want to believe that it could happen again, and thats probably the only thing keeping me from jumping off the west gate bridge right now.

thank you all again in advance for anything you can say.

[tiger_lilies]

In my opinion, I think that the flowers method is not the best suggestion, only because from personal experience, I find that when I receive flowers at my work, I find it embarrassing (maybe because I'm shy). I don't feel that everyone at work should know about my personal life, especially if it's about a break up. Sorry Whitegarden, I don't mean to sound mean. But I do agree with the part about thinking long and hard as to whether you really want her back or if it's just the shock and loneliness talking.

 

I think that the letter idea is a great idea as suggested by Woobiegirl. In a letter you can express your feelings more accurately, but don't get your hopes up for her to respond, you are just letting her know how sorry you are for taking her for granted.

 

Understand that if she is forgiving enough to take you back, you will need to prove to her for a long while that you are worthy of her love. My ex wronged me in the worst way possible and he didn't try hard or long enough to win me back completely. He got lazy and one day decided that he just didn't want to try anymore. It was on that note that I made the decision that I am better than him and the situation he put me through.

[tiger_lilies]

In my opinion, I think that the flowers method is not the best suggestion, only because from personal experience, I find that when I receive flowers at my work, I find it embarrassing (maybe because I'm shy). I don't feel that everyone at work should know about my personal life, especially if it's about a break up. Sorry Whitegarden, I don't mean to sound mean. But I do agree with the part about thinking long and hard as to whether you really want her back or if it's just the shock and loneliness talking.

 

I think that the letter idea is a great idea as suggested by Woobiegirl. In a letter you can express your feelings more accurately, but don't get your hopes up for her to respond, you are just letting her know how sorry you are for taking her for granted.

 

Understand that if she is forgiving enough to take you back, you will need to prove to her for a long while (possibly months) that you are worthy of her love. My ex wronged me in the worst way possible and he didn't try hard or long enough to win me back completely. He got lazy and one day decided that he just didn't want to try anymore. It was on that note that I made the decision that I am better than him and the situation he put me through.

[kipster]

Take some time and decide if you really want her back or if you are just feeling sorry she is gone. You said you were going through a bad time and shut her out. But I figure you didn't expect her to actually leave.

 

This is dead on white garden and the first thing you must honestly do catter to before doing anything else. Ask yourself do you really WANT HER or are you just fearful of Being Alone? Remember, don't try to convince yourself that you NEED HER, that's simply untrue. People, don't need ANYONE TO LIVE. If you do decide that indeed you PREFER TO BE WITH HER, AND WANT TO BE WITH HER, THE NEXT THING TO DO IS TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND RELAX!!! You are not the first man/woman in America to be dumped, nor will you be the last. And although you may not believe it, I've seen men/women get back with their EX's who have told them to "I'LL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK", "IT'S OVER", 'DON'T EVER CALL ME, ETC.". But the first order of business it to stop begging, pleading, bargaining, with her. That NEVER, EVER, EVER...EVER...EVER (chris tucker reference..But again I digress) Works. Plus, even if she did come back it would be under guilt and never last the test of time. ONce another negative event happened she'd just say, "See I told you he'd never change, and leave you". Instead, you want her to come back because he/she wants to, under their own volition.

 

So the first thing is to stop feeling Self-pity, anger, self-righteousness (e.g., I didn't deserve this, I'd never do that to her), and guilt. You're in control of that. So in essense, stop letting your negative emotions govern you at this time and start using your HEAD (something you were clearly reluctant to use the first time around, but now you seem to have 20-20 vision when you start thinking about it). You can win her back, I've heard worse scenarios. But you must be smart and let your head lead the way, not your emotions (which is probably what got you in trouble in the first place). Also tell yourself, that this is no QUICK FIX. IF it took 3 years to get to this point, only a unenlightened person would think it could be fixed in say 3 WEEKS! That's not how it goes! But if this is the woman you really want, and believe she's the one, then what's 3-6 months, perhaps, vs. a lifetime of happiness.

 

So now you must work on yourself, go to the gym, get physically fit...Think about what you did wrong, even journal it...like writing a column of things you did wrong then a column of things you did right. So later on, when the 2 of you are re-united, you can throw away the wrong column and endulge in the right one! Then, you must give her her space and time to heal. You can call though, but make the convo short, no relationship talk, and do it in a very soothing tone (already something she's probably not used to), where you end it with saying, I've got to run. I'm not saying no contact, per se. But, occasional HAPPY TALK, where she can see: (1) that you are still concerned with her welfare, (2) that you are interested in a friendship first and foremost (I've found friendships are bith with women though us men rarely want to forge them), and (3) that you understand what mistakes you've made and that your are working to not only correct them, but to be a better man for making them. You have to show her that you've changed, but not over-night (my experience is women simply don't buy that especially after several years of seeing the REAL (OLD) YOU!

 

Initially I would wait a few weeks just for her too cool down. Emotionally she's probably had it and is looking to others for the attention she never got from you (perhaps men, but probably nothing physical but just to stroke her ego). But you have to show her you can be that confident, non-jealous, controlled man that she fell in love with. You can do it, but you have to believe in yourself unless she sure as HELL WON'T. That's why I said, you have to play to win and use your head to get these beautiful, intelligent, and forgiving women to see that you've made a mistake and have improved, and have become a better man for it. You can do it, especially if you KNOW SHE'S WORTH IT!

[whitegarden]

I am so sorry you are in pain. We have all been there at one point or another and can relate. Becareful with your feelings. If she hasn't responded to your letter she may need time to think about it, digest the information. You have to find your own way of reminding her you are thinking of her. I recognize flowers can be embarrassing and that people like to keep their personal life personal. In my experience writting everything down in a letter while in an emotional state may be hard for the other person to hear or comprehend. Be careful. Also, woman don't respond well to begging and pleading. You can cry all you want to us, to yourself - but make sure you have your game face on when you are talking to her. She will see you as sincer instead of desperate. Remember her last memories of you are at a state of depression she may think you are trying to get her back because of this. So do the best you can but pull it together infront of her. Since you are up when don't you try to think of a constructive approach to reaching out to her. Since you have the attention of two different types of women ready to help maybe we can steer you in a good direction and start you down the road with a plan of action.

 

Your best interest at heart.

[catter]

thank you again for your comments all of you.

She wrote me a letter, and gave it to me with the bad news. Afterwards came the crying begging, and everything else you already know about.

She did write that she loved me, "but it was too late and i need a fresh start"

 

kipster, thank you for the advice. You make me feel as if i can do it. I can get her back. But its very hard to thaik that after what i heard earlier tonight. From reading all the posts about getting back together with someone, it seems i need to let her have time. But it also could work against me, as my absense except for the last few days is probably normal to her now. She really knows that i love her so much, and that i made a big mistake, perhaps now some no contact time might help.

[woobiegirl]

catter....

 

That was a very special way to express your feelings, the roses added a thoughtful touch. Did she tell you why she is saying no, ...the reason's behind her answer? I'm so sorry you are crying, ...we have all been there, my heart goes out to you. No matter what happens catter...please believe me, the pain will eventually mend,... and if she chooses not come back, I promise you will find someone special again. And if that one doesn't work out, you will find another. It's through the pain and/or mistakes we experience in relationships that make us better partners for the next special person we meet. We gain something good from each person that comes into our lives, whether it's short term or long-term. Forget the bad, focus on the good memories. That's what life is all about...at the end, memories is what we treasure. Right now this isn't going to help you feel better, I wish I could take away your pain.....please look ahead, and get excited about that special person that is waiting to meet you. Please feel free to pm me anytime, friends have wonderful shoulders to lean on.

 

Wishing you peace and happiness,

Woobiegirl

 

Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies

[catter]

All of your responses have helped me out a great deal from the state I was in before I posted. I thank you all dearly for this, you are all great people, you really are.

[kipster]

thank you again for your comments all of you.

She wrote me a letter, and gave it to me with the bad news. Afterwards came the crying begging, and everything else you already know about.

She did write that she loved me, "but it was too late and i need a fresh start".

 

Don't worry about her saying, "its too little too late"! We all say things, we don't necessarily mean. What I'd focus on is that she said 'she [still] loved me'. I had friends actually get an engagement ring thrown at them and be told to never speak to them only to have that very same woman want them back in 6 months! Focus on the positive signs that she shows you, forget the negative. FLAT OUT! DO YOU WANT HER OR NOT! If the answer is yes, just think for a second of how much of your S_IT she took for 3 years and she didn't leave for a LOOOONG TIME! Yet, you've been gone the equivalent of 3 minutes and your acting like you CAN'T TAKE IT? AND THIS IS THE WOMAN YOU SAY YOU DESIRE? Use your head and be patient, have alittle faith! You will get what you truly ask for and believe in, but you must be patient and KNOW that that is what you want. Because that BELIEF, IN YOUR MIND, HEART, AND SOUL, IS WHAT WILL GET YOU THROUGH THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP! Trust me, I'm going through it, but I KNOW I WILL GET MY EX BACK, I HAVE ZERO DOUBT! The only question I have is how long it will take. But however long (so long as she does not be intimate with another guy in the interim) I'm willing to wait. Because the reward far outweighs the cost. But make sure during this time apart that you FIRMLY understand what you did wrong! Journal it with the pro's and con's of the relationship, so when you DO get back together, you can throw away the con sheet and refer to the pro sheet (you could tongue in cheek call it your 'pro'-tocol, for building a strong relationship the second time around).

 

kipster, thank you for the advice. You make me feel as if i can do it. I can get her back. But its very hard to thaik that after what i heard earlier tonight. From reading all the posts about getting back together with someone, it seems i need to let her have time. But it also could work against me, as my absense except for the last few days is probably normal to her now. She really knows that i love her so much, and that i made a big mistake, perhaps now some no contact time might help.

 

No problem in me helping. But YOU NEED TO BE THE ONE THAT NOT ONLY FEELS, BUT BELIEVES, THAT YOU CAN DO IT. Without that it will never work. And stop focusing on the negative and think about what about you attracted her to you in the first place? Was it you begging her to date you, being desperate? I doubt it? I'm willing to bet that it was your charisma, charm, self-confidence, and belief in your ability to provide for her, nurture her, and provide stability. So why not re-build those attributes that not only she adores (excuse me LOVES, SHE DID SAY THAT IN THE LETTER) but that attracted other women to you, I'm sure when you were deciding to date her. Trust me, she needs this time to heal and you may have to start from scratch with her building a friendship, then a relationship, but if she's the one, is that mountain too high for you to climb? Just remember, as much as she may dislike you right now, she doesn't HATE YOU, but she's probably mad at HERSELF, FOR CONVINCING HERSELF THAT YOU WOULD CHANGE, WHEN IN HER HEAD SHE KNEW THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN, BUT HER HEART TOLD HER IT WOULD. So give her her space to at least cool down, say a few weeks, then call her with a soothing tone, after you've reflected on your relationship (if you're anything like me, you'll begin to remember the LITTLE THINGS that you forgot about during all those years...like her favorite food...a restaurant you went to....her perfume...the texture of her hair), stuff that you probably DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT BEFORE. BUT now its like their coming in live in stereo! I know, I'm going through it. But let that be the fuel to your fire and think in your head, for what's she's thinking in feeling. Think about her emotions and what she must be thinking. Also, confide in female friends of yours to ask them what she may be feeling (but don't let these females move in on you when they smell blood in the water). Ask them, "What do women like"? "What would you do or think if this happened"? I've learned more from that in the last 2 months than I did in my entire life. Just think like a woman for a second and Check your MALE EGO/PRIDE AT THE DOOR. That ALMOST COST ME my soulmate, don't let it do the same for you. And most important, AGREE WITH HER. Don't push, instead let her pull. If you feel she's talking about the relationship WHEN YOU CALL HER, don't force it. LET HER DO ALL THE TALKING AND RE-ASSURE HER that you understand what she's feeling. Let her feel comfortable talking to you first, that's why I say use HAPPY TALK (NO RELATIONSHIP STUFF, JUST SURFACE STUFF) so she doesn't feel like you're trying to trick her, which you're not. Your merely trying to show that you've learned from your mistakes and are a better man for it. So LET YOUR HEAD AND ACTIONS DO THE TALKING FOR YOU. TRUST ME....SHE WILL NOTICE! BUT YOU MUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, IF YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE!!!!

[catter]

Kipster, that was an awesome message, and something i think anyone looking to get back an ex should read.

It is about staying positive, and trying your best to think straight about the situation. I'm only several hours into this, and its very difficult for me to think straight.

She always loved me deeply throughout the whole relationship, more than i would ever know, but to see her show very little pain and emotion, and touching for me when i was crying and pleading in front of her, really hits home that she no longer really loves me, "i do love you, not in that way anymore" was the quote.

Its very early days, i can only hope that after a few days/weeks of little contact that she starts to miss me, and mabye want to talk. But i do hold very little doubt.

I'm trying to believe that i can get her back, and i want to believe, but its sooo hard. I hope you do succeed with your ex, as i'm sure she is a very special person like the girl i once had.

[kipster]

Kipster, that was an awesome message, and something i think anyone looking to get back an ex should read.

It is about staying positive, and trying your best to think straight about the situation. I'm only several hours into this, and its very difficult for me to think straight. .

 

I know, I've been there. Hell, I'm still there on some nights. But I temper those negative feelings with knowing that I don't NEED HER to survive, I want to be with her to complete me instead. There's a difference. I was a wreck after my EX dumped me, because my emotions took over. I did all the classic stuff, sent a sentimental tear stained letter, told her I loved her, said we can make it work, all of that to which she responed with a cold stare...YOU KNOW the one us guys see and KNOW THAT ITS OVER?

 

But then I started to use my head, the one thing that I was actually blessed with and tried to read all that I could about women (when I was in a relationship before I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN CARED WHAT WOMEN THOUGHT). I talked to as many women as I could. Its truly amazing the lengths that you'll go, when you do realize that you love someone so deeply but we're too blind to realize just how much they loved you in the past. So at that time, that's when I said since the stuff that never works didn't help, why not focus on what does work? I.E., using your head and focusing on what you can do as opposed to what you can't. I believe in you, but first you must believe in yourself....

 

She always loved me deeply throughout the whole relationship, more than i would ever know, but to see her show very little pain and emotion, and touching for me when i was crying and pleading in front of her, really hits home that she no longer really loves me, "i do love you, not in that way anymore" was the quote.

Its very early days, i can only hope that after a few days/weeks of little contact that she starts to miss me, and mabye want to talk. But i do hold very little doubt.

I'm trying to believe that i can get her back, and i want to believe, but its sooo hard. I hope you do succeed with your ex, as i'm sure she is a very special person like the girl i once had.

 

I know, my EX got as cold as ice as well on the 'break-up' day and it was more surprising to me than anyting else. I'd never seen her like that, in essense 'operation: SHUT DOWN' was in full effect. I too tried to touch her, no dice. But the fortunate thing for you and me is that you and I know that they still LOVE US. YOURS ACTUALLY SAID IT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Its not something people, especially women from what I've been told by them, can just shut off and on. For me, we can just block it out. Women seem to have a more gradual uprooting process. But believe me, as much as you're thinking about her, she's thinking about you. It's like those guys who even say she gave the wedding or engagement ring back? That may be the case and for us guys IT BURNS, LIKE I CAN'T DESCRIBE. To us, its more symbollic of committment. BUt to women, the ring is around their heart! That's not a ring that can easily be taken off! Just look at these threads and see the anguish break-ups cause women, even when they are the dumper! Remember that, and believe that all will work out and it will. And keep your head up, act happy, soon you won't have to act. Enjoy your space, enjoy your independence. But keep in your mind what is the end goal. And you'll get it, believe in yourself and in me when I tell you. If you need to, you can get on my back. I'll carry you, there's room on this train for all....

[dikaia880]

That some real deep and positive stuff kipster...very well said!!!

 

Also try to find post from a guy named Danimal77, I believe...When his ex broke up with him she absolutely hated the guy, now he's got her back and she's talking marriage...

 

It's all about the positive...when I'm positive around my ex she's comfortable, which is always the first step, but when I get talking about "us" she withdraws...there is no point in talking about the relationship unless she brings it up...Kipster said don't push her, let her pull you...I'm thinking more make her pull you...be positive, be happy, make her realize that she still loves you by just being you and being there and happy...

 

Best of Luck and try to force positive in your mind when the negative seems overwhelming...journaling helps!!!

[catter]

There is one other thing. 3 days ago when she said it was all over, She also said there was someone else. been seeing them for 3 weeks. She told me in her letter that she stopped seeing this person, as if was unfir on them to go through our breakup stuff. I'm not too sure what to think of it all. On the phone and in person last night she also said that there was nobody, so mabye there is no one?

But perhaps she has just said it to calm me down more, and try to make it a lot easier for me. I feel more that way. I know its negative, but i can also see that reason for her sudden loss of love and affection for me. Its now been drained, and given to someone else. Its shattering, and the next morning, i'm still a wreck.

[kipster]

There is one other thing. 3 days ago when she said it was all over, She also said there was someone else. been seeing them for 3 weeks. She told me in her letter that she stopped seeing this person, as if was unfir on them to go through our breakup stuff. I'm not too sure what to think of it all. On the phone and in person last night she also said that there was nobody, so mabye there is no one?

But perhaps she has just said it to calm me down more, and try to make it a lot easier for me. I feel more that way. I know its negative, but i can also see that reason for her sudden loss of love and affection for me. Its now been drained, and given to someone else. Its shattering, and the next morning, i'm still a wreck.

 

Again, forget the male. Remember the goal. I'm sure she just needed her ego stroked and he probably provided some quick healing and an ear for her. If she didn't do anything sexual with him (which time will tell, the guilt will eat her up over time if she did and she'll tell you), and I don't believe she did, then don't even worry about him. You will win her back by making her see you as a non-clingy, confident, secure, and non-jealous man, that's made improvements in the problem areas, that can is SECURE ENOUGH TO SAY, "I'm not going to get jealous of you talking to other guys" (so long as you don't disrespect me). And if it bothers you that much, you can always date another woman in the interim (I'm not saying sex, hugging, kissing, etc.) stictly plutonic friendship date if you so desire. But again, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, STAY CONFIDENT AND SECURE AROUND HER. THIS IS A TIME WHEN MOST GOOD MEN CRACK AND THEY SEE YOUR WEAKNESS. She needs to know that no matter what the circumstances, you remain steadfast, with her best interest at heart, and that you can deal with the pitfalls that life throws you way and still maintain yourself in the face of enourmous odds. Again, believe and it will happen. BUT, I REPEAT, FORGET THE OTHER GUY! A LESSER MAN WOULD BE FIXATED ON THAT AND GET JEALOUS AND BLOW ANY CHANCE. FORGET ABOUT THE THIRD WHEEL. HE'S JUST THERE FOR AN EGO STROKE AND WHEN YOUR EX REALIZED THAT, YOU SEE SHE LET HIM GO. I ask you, if he was such a great catch for her, why would she let him go. And more importantly, why would she even TELL YOU TO BEGIN WITH? IF SHE WANTED HIM, wouldn't the easy way to do it be to not tell you anything? AGain, use your head and not let EMOTION cloud you're better judgment!!!!

[catter]

what should i do if she rings or send an SMS message to my phone? Its the next day, and im not sure what to do if she does. Should i try and be strong, even although i was the worst weeper on the earth last night? wouldnt that show that ive moved on and gotten over it in a hurry?

Thank you again for your comments.

I understand everything you say. I'm really trying very hard to stay positive here, but so many negative thoughts keep entering my mind.

kimpster everything you have said has made sense and i'm sure is the right thing to do. thank you again.

[kipster]

what should i do if she rings or send an SMS message to my phone? Its the next day, and im not sure what to do if she does. Should i try and be strong, even although i was the worst weeper on the earth last night? wouldnt that show that ive moved on and gotten over it in a hurry?

 

The first thing I'd do in your shoes, being so early, would be to not answer it UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE IT. That is be able to talk to her without getting 'cotton mouth', without sounding as if you're sad, and/or without your voice cracking. These are verbal signs of weakness, so you can have a beverage handy (maybe a bottle of water next to the phone in case she calls). Don't worry, if she calls and you don't pick it up. You can give and excuse. Just return her calls later, don't wait too long though since she may be reaching out. I wouldn't even bother with the Text message to be honest. And don't worry about you being a weeper last night! Plus, she'd have to be looney to think you'd be over her in a night! What woman would think that a man whom she knows she broke his heart is now superman over-night? Seems unrealistic. Just do what comes natural and let her steer the conversation. No RElationship talk under any circumstances unless SHE takes it there. Even then tred lightly and don't tell her UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES that you still love her, miss her, care for her, etc.. at this point. That will only fuel her negative emotions and make her feel even more guilty. DON'T DO IT! If she wants to talk about how she still loves you, BY ALL MEANS LET HER. But don't divulge how you feel. You can say something like, "I understand your feelings and I can see how you might feel that way...". Something very non-commital. But for the most part, LISTEN...

Keep it brief, but give her alittle time before you call to heal. I'm not saying no contact per se, but don't be available at her every beck and call. And be confident!

 

Thank you again for your comments.

I understand everything you say. I'm really trying very hard to stay positive here, but so many negative thoughts keep entering my mind.

kimpster everything you have said has made sense and i'm sure is the right thing to do. thank you again.

 

Its natural to feel negative, but you have to build yourself esteem up just like she has to for this thing to work. You do your part by working out, going out with friends, acting happy (soon you won't have to act), and doing everything in your power to make you the confident catch you were before. No jealousy, no cling, No Neediness, etc. Its a lonely road, I know, but sometimes "if it isn't rough, it isn't right". Just be smart. The smart patient person always wins the race, not the impulsive hare that thinks with emotion. You can do it, its just going to take time. And most of all, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES and know that You only PREFER TO HAVE HER, YOU DON'T NEED HER.

[catter]

Ive come t think that after everything i have done to her, there is no reason that space and time will make her miss me. That is the vital ingredient for the time off period, miss. She watns to move on, leave me behind after 2 and a half years. Like she said in her letter, start fresh.

I can only think that this time will only make her further apart from me, not closer. I looked into her eyes last night, and i didnt see any of the love that there once was. none.

She has finally had enough. We have broken up twice in the past, and gotten back together, but i was the one taking the time off, and i never pushed her away to the state that i did this time.

This is the hardest thing i will ever have to do. Not only did i loose the one person that has been there for me through all the years and tough times, but i pushed her away myself. It was me. She wanted me several weeks ago, but my depression left her with no option but to move on. I feel so stupid, all the signs were there. I had so many chances in those weeks to make it up to her, all i had to say was that i loved her. but i didnt. And now its over and its all my fault.

I'm not the best at meeting new girls, and meeting her was what i believe was fate.

But its over. Should i try and move on now, block her out like i did the past month? Or still believe that there might be a slight chance that she may miss me.....that seems so far away its killing me.

 

My father is coming down today to console me. driving two hours, but i'm sure that once he is gone, it will be back to square one. back to being lonely, and wondering how i could have been so stupid to let her go.

The hurt almost drove me to suicide last night, i was driving around, and i was so tempted to ram into a tree. But i also thought of the hurt it may cause to others, and fought it off. barely.

I'm going through constant ups and downs. One minute i'm reading what i should do and thinking about myself moving on, next i'm wallering in the thought of my own stupidity and selfishness.

 

I have told her over and over that i would do anything to get her back, but not even that could raise a single heartbeat of love.

She said shes fallen out of love with me. and i must accept it, even if it kills me.

[woobiegirl]

Hello catter..I've been following your posts. Unless you're a saint, and few of us are, it's impossible to fully prepare for a major loss. Every loss is different because your attachments to loved ones and everything else you cherish are different. Because of this, each loss is a unique descent into the unknown. You're swept up in a natural process whose purpose is to heal your heart and mind, and re-orient you to life without the person or thing you lost. But this healing process is difficult to recognize when you're caught in the vortex.

 

Breakups are terrible, and the first few days are usually the worst. The most important thing you can do to help yourself recover is to focus your efforts on you, you and you. For the next few weeks, do everything within your power (and bank account) to make yourself feel better. Make plans with your friends and anyone else who make you feel loved and secure; give yourself time to mope and vent and get over your sorrow; and totally give yourself permission to avoid things you hate. ("I'd like to reschedule that root canal, please!") A breakup is nothing to be ashamed of — at one point or another, every person goes through it. Also, feel free to indulge in the silly, happy-making stuff that you would never dream of doing otherwise. When I went through a bad breakup, I bought more scented candles than any human could ever even count — or light! I bought bottles and bottles of vitamin supplements that I had no clue what to do with. I bought this book called "There Is Nothing Wrong With You," by Cherie Huber — which I highly recommend — because it's inevitable that you're going to have those "What is wrong with me?" moments. There were times when I thought I was going overboard in the self-indulgence department but, ultimately, I discovered that going overboard was what I really needed to do in order to recover. And time does heal. They say that the first week of a breakup is the absolute worst, the first month is really, really hard, and the months after that slowly get easier and easier.

 

Last but not least, I'm reading compassionate & caring advice for you from friends who are experiencing their own relationship challenges, and are offering (been there/done that) advice to help you move on and/or avoid mistakes they've already made. I read the pain your feeling in your last post, it concerned me. Please get past beating yourself up by blaming yourself. She did say she still "loved you", don't take that lightly. If there is a chance to win her back, the only way is going to be by you pulling yourself together, healing yourself mentally & physically FIRST...by actually becoming the stronger of the two. Give her time, show her your strength and if it's meant to be, gradually she will see the changes and feel secure with you again. It may take some time, but it will strengthen your friendship which can then blossom into love again. Don't forget this is hard for her as well, but she needs to see positive actions from you...not self destructive ones. Be strong catter...win her heart back. If you need to vent...pm any of us, lean on us....we're here for you. And please do some reading, ....I gained so much strength from spending time at Bookstores cruising through self-help aisles.

 

Woobiegirl...

[TrueHeart]

I know what its like to do that to the one you love, I did it to my XBF 2 years ago... Things were going great, and I just shut him out.. Had a crisis.. I don't know what I was thinking, but I did take him for granted.

 

We didn't speak for months, and now, he has a new girlfriend which has been doomed not to work because of their social and religious differences.. My best suggestion, may not be the best, but to use this time to learn about yourself. The flowers might be a good idea, they might not. Youre the judge of that.

 

But, if your efforts are going un-noticed and unappreciated, it may hurt you more than help you. Set a goal for yourself-- if it doesn't work after so many times, you will eventually have to seriously move on. Don't set yourself up for disappointment, friend...

 

You know we're here for you. I will keep my eye on your postings for some good progress!

[catter]

thank you again for your posts. its very calming to read your posts.

I got through the first day without contact. I feel terrible. all i want to do is send her a message, telling her how much i love her, how much i would love to see her right now. but its not right. I know this. but it is soo hard.

 

I have to give her space. and i have to control myself to get her back. hardest thing i will ever do. ever.

All i do is think about her. If shes off with this new guy, having fun, laughing, touching, like we used to do.

Not a care in the world for me. Happy that ive finally got the message, its over. good ridince.

I have to stop beating myself up like this, but the possesed man in my head forces these words to my fingers.

I'm seeing a counceller tomorrow. if i could see one now i would. I know that i need help, and lots of it. Everyone has been so supportive, and i thank every one who has cared to post in this thread, god bless you all. thank you.