Domestic partnership angst...

[norsewoman]

Hi all;

My partner and I live in a state that currently does not allow gay/lesbian marriage, but in a city that does allow something called "domestic partnership". This grants gay couples a handful of the same rights as a straight marriage, including the right to visit your partner if he or she happens to be hospitalized, and the automatic transfer of property upon the death of one partner.

 

Here's my problem. My partner of ten years and I have been talking with our best friends (another female couple) about going to our city hall together and picking up our partnership certificates together- then going out to dinner. We've been talking about this for months, and my partner was completely on board. These women are our best friends.

 

We were waiting for my partner's birth certificate to arrive from her state, and it finally got here two weeks ago. I began firing off emails back and forth with this couple to try to set up a date- when suddenly, my partner decided that it was too "weird" for us to go together. She claims that this day is so special, we shouldn't share it with another couple.

 

My beef is this...eight years ago, we had a symbolic marriage in a lovely building. Friends and family arrived from around the country to witness this celebration. We had a full reception after, complete with a band and catered food, etc. It was exactly like a wedding. To me, that was our "special" day- the day that everybody we knew came to observe and celebrate with us. This trip to city hall is more of a political statement. It does not involve a justice of the peace, it's a matter of us handing over two hundred dollars to receive a piece of paper that says we have some rights as a couple.

 

I don't think it's weird at all to go with our friends- I thought it was perfect and sweet. I had to break the bad news to them, but promised I'd try to convince my partner to change her mind. They were hurt. I've spoken to my partner about my feelings, but she's not wavering. Now, I'm feeling resentful and don't even want to think about going to city hall with her.

 

Any advice? Any ideas for alternatives? How do I get over my resentment? GAHHHH!!!!

 

Thanks in advance...

[onewithbooks]

What happened to change her mind? Would going to city hall just the two of you and then a few hours later having a special "dessert" with your friends to celebrate be an option?

[norsewoman]

What happened to change her mind? Would going to city hall just the two of you and then a few hours later having a special "dessert" with your friends to celebrate be an option?

 

When I asked her why she suddenly changed her mind, she told me that she didn't really think the other couple would get "their act" together, which struck me as odd. All that is required to get one's act together is locate one's birth certificate. We'd all talked about it for months!

 

We were going to be celebrating each other's partnerships together. I suppose we could do it at different times the same day or stagger it a couple of days apart and THEN go out to dinner together. I'll try to roll that idea past her. Thanks for your quick response...

[lukeb]

There is only one variable you have control over in a relationship, and that variable is you. When it is all said and done it is your partner that should matter the most, not your friends. I would say get over your resentment, getting those papers seem to carry a lot of symbolic significance for the both of you, and it does give you some rights as a couple. Going out and celebrating later on would be good compromise.

 

I think the difference between your partner is for you it carries more political significance, for your partner it carries more personal significance. It doesn't make anyone right or wrong.

[norsewoman]

There is only one variable you have control over in a relationship, and that variable is you. When it is all said and done it is your partner that should matter the most, not your friends. I would say get over your resentment, getting those papers seem to carry a lot of symbolic significance for the both of you, and it does give you some rights as a couple. Going out and celebrating later on would be good compromise.

 

I think the difference between your partner is for you it carries more political significance, for your partner it carries more personal significance. It doesn't make anyone right or wrong.

 

Yah...you're right. I still feel sad, however.

[norsewoman]

Wow. She is unwilling to make any sort of concession in this area. She wants to "force" her religious right wing aunt and cousins to celebrate with us...and if our best friends choose, they may select to celebrate with us when they have their domestic partnership bestowed. I'm at a loss...I really thought that having our certificates given at different times, but celebrated together would be a good alternative. She is completely unwilling to budge, and I am perplexed. Any suggestions?

[lukeb]

Maybe putting the whole thing on hold might be a good idea,I think you're both digging in your heels and losing sight over whats most important.

[onewithbooks]

I am with lukeb on this one. I say if you both cant come to a compromise, there is no sense in doing it. You are picking up a piece of paper that is supposed to signify a union of two people not a my way or no way paper. This should be about both of you.

 

And why the heck would she want to force anyone to come? Especially someone who shares views that are opposite to your lifestyle? That sounds like a miserable time for all. Not to mention, it also seems rather childish, like she wants to rub their noses in it or something.

[norsewoman]

I am with lukeb on this one. I say if you both cant come to a compromise, there is no sense in doing it. You are picking up a piece of paper that is supposed to signify a union of two people not a my way or no way paper. This should be about both of you.

 

And why the heck would she want to force anyone to come? Especially someone who shares views that are opposite to your lifestyle? That sounds like a miserable time for all. Not to mention, it also seems rather childish, like she wants to rub their noses in it or something.

 

Both you and lukeb are right. I will let things settle down for a while, and I'm reading tons of articles on compromise.

 

I am bewildered by the "Aunt and Cousins" thing. She's not that close to them, and they were extremely chilly with me when we met. When things settle down, I'll try to get to the bottom of this.

[nina2009]

why other people are so important? Why for you it is important to share it with another couple? Why don't you celebrate it in private? Why she wants her aunt an cousins? Why both of you seem not to know the other persons feelings about it?

[norsewoman]

why other people are so important? Why for you it is important to share it with another couple? Why don't you celebrate it in private? Why she wants her aunt an cousins? Why both of you seem not to know the other persons feelings about it?

 

1. Because we wanted to share our union with people who are close to us. Like straight people do. We are really not that different.

 

2. See above.

 

3. Part of the reason she wants her aunts and cousins is because she says she's attended all of their weddings over the years- they should in turn recognize hers.

 

4. We both do know each other's feelings about it- we're just not agreeing on the details.

[onewithbooks]

 

3. Part of the reason she wants her aunts and cousins is because she says she's attended all of their weddings over the years- they should in turn recognize hers.

 

 

I totally get this!! I may never get married and I am never going to have a child, so I will wind up going to all those things (and shelling out the cash) for something I will never see reciprocated.

 

Hmm, this reminds me of that Sex and the City episode!

[norsewoman]

I totally get this!! I may never get married and I am never going to have a child, so I will wind up going to all those things (and shelling out the cash) for something I will never see reciprocated.

 

Hmm, this reminds me of that Sex and the City episode!

 

Yep. I get it, too.

 

Which "Sex and the City" episode? I've never seen it, but I bet I can find it online....

[lukeb]

You already had your celebration, you called it a symbolic wedding, but when you think about it all weddings are symbolic. You celebrated your commitment in front of your family and friends, that is what a wedding is. The piece of paper that you were applying for is a legal recognition, and it affords you some rights. It is something to go out and celebrate with your family and friends with, but you already had your wedding.

[norsewoman]

You already had your celebration, you called it a symbolic wedding, but when you think about it all weddings are symbolic. You celebrated your commitment in front of your family and friends, that is what a wedding is. The piece of paper that you were applying for is a legal recognition, and it affords you some rights. It is something to go out and celebrate with your family and friends with, but you already had your wedding.

 

Yep. And her Aunt and Cousins did not show up for that one. We did receive many lovely gifts from well-wishers. My partner cannot "force" her Aunt/Cousins accept our relationship. I'm giving her time and space to figure this one out. At some point, perhaps this segment of her family will not be so important in the whole thing.

[onewithbooks]

Here ya go Norsewoman, enjoy!!

 

Season 6 Episode 83

 

"A Woman's Right to Shoes"

 

 

"It's like she's had two caesarians and a lobotomy." -Carrie

 

Directed by: Tim Van Patten

Written by: Jenny Bicks

 

Synopsis:

 

Carrie and Stanford attend a baby shower thrown by their friends Kyra and Chuck. Upon arriving, they discover that Kyra's house rules include the removal of all footwear, regardless if doing so will destroy a carefully crafted outfit. The evening is pleasant enough, but when Carrie plans to leave the party, she discovers that her brand new Manolos have been stolen. Later, Kyra offers to pay for the missing shoes, but balks when she discovers that they cost $485. Carrie winds up leaving the apartment with no compensation, and a sense of shoe-induced shame. She wonders if she has somehow made a mistake by choosing the lifestyle that she did, rather than the more traditional one chosen by Kyra.

 

Miranda finds herself with three separate problems: an open apartment in her building, Brady suffering from the chickenpox and her own growing need for male companionship. Luckily, one person solves all three problems, as Dr. Robert Leeds takes the vacancy and helps Miranda care for her sick child. When Brady's virus spreads to Miranda, Robert begins attending to her, but the tension in the air hints that their relationship may soon grow beyond doctor/patient.

 

Charlotte and Harry are still glowing in their post-wedding bliss, but the new bride has a slight problem adjusting to living with her husband's habits. She manages to get him to agree to stop leaving his used teabags all over the apartment, but she finds it more difficult to get used to the sight of him walking around the apartment in the nude. Charlotte doesn't say anything, but when Harry puts his naked form on her new white couch, she puts her foot down, and he agrees to wear shorts around the house from then on.

 

Samantha's dislike for misbehaving children comes to a head in a fancy restaurant. While a child babbles loudly in the background, Sam is admonished for daring to speak on a cell phone. Wildly frustrated by the double-standard, Samantha approaches the table with the child, but winds up with a face full of pesto for her troubles.

 

Carrie tries to smooth things over with Kyra, but it seems that the two won't be able to come to an agreement. Carrie then gets a brainstorm... since she's always come through whenever Kyra has registered at a store, then maybe it's time for Carrie to turn the tables. Ms. Bradshaw registers herself at Manolo Blahnik, in recognition of her just-announced marriage to herself. The only item that she registers for is a single pair of the missing $485 shoes, and Kyra finally comes around and replaces the missing Manolos.

 

 

P.S. My all time favorite episode is My Motherboard, Myself - fantastic!

[norsewoman]

This sounds hysterical... I have to admit that I can relate to Samantha's issue as well!

 

We were lying in bed this morning when my partner announced out of the clear blue sky that my compromise did sound good to her. I double-checked with her, and she's fine with it. So, we'll become quasi-legal privately, and have dinner with our friends at some other date. I think I will suggest a dinner for family (at another date) as well.

 

Thanks to all who responded...

[onewithbooks]

Wonderful!! Woo hooo!!!