Possible sign of trouble?????

[confusedgirrl]

My best friend asked me for advice on what he should do in this situation and i dont know what to tell him, here is the background.

 

He has had this off and on relationship with this girl for 3 years, she went away to university for 1 year and they broke up. While she was gone he got casually involved with this other girl. When his gf came back they got back together but he remained friends with the other girl, he has always had feelings for this girl but they never talked about getting into a relationship together.

 

Right now things with him and his gf are progressing and she wants to move in with him. He is not too keen on the idea but is going ahead with it. The problem is he told me that he thinks about the other girl entirely too much and she is constantly on his mind. Lately he has been keeping contact with her to a minimum but it doesnt make a difference he still keeps thinking about her.

 

Do you guys think this is a sign of trouble? What advice should i give him? I personally think this could cause problems in their relationship. If you are so committed to someone you should not constantly be thinking about someone else.

[pinkrobot]

Is it a sign of trouble? Well, that depends on how likely he is to cheat on his gf. But overall, yes it is a sign of trouble. It's not fair to his gf and eventually she will be able to tell that his mind's not really there--in the relationship, that is. If he's constantly thinking about someone else, why doesn't he just end his relationship?

 

For the record, my ex found himself "constantly thinkin about someone else," and then cheated on me with her and left me for her.

[Kumatora]

He has had this off and on relationship with this girl for 3 years, she went away to university for 1 year and they broke up. While she was gone he got casually involved with this other girl. When his gf came back they got back together but he remained friends with the other girl, he has always had feelings for this girl but they never talked about getting into a relationship together.

Using people as a rebound is always asking for trouble.

 

Right now things with him and his gf are progressing and she wants to move in with him. He is not too keen on the idea but is going ahead with it. The problem is he told me that he thinks about the other girl entirely too much and she is constantly on his mind. Lately he has been keeping contact with her to a minimum but it doesnt make a difference he still keeps thinking about her.

 

Do you guys think this is a sign of trouble?

Oh absolutely, this spells trouble. You don't move in with a partner unless you're committed- otherwise, be expected to pack your things and move the hell out. After what you describe, I see no commitment on his part if he's thinking about another girl.

 

Honestly, he hasn't healed from the past relationships he had with these women. My honest advice is that he backs off from dating either of them and decides what he really wants with life. Playing with these girls' emotions because he can't decide what he wants is not the way to go- he will end up hurting them and look like the bad guy. He will be in very unsuccessful relationships if he can't get over his past relationships and learns to move on peacefully. He has to go for what he wants, not what others want. It makes me really wonder about the real reason behind him moving in is because the girlfriend pressured him into it. It sounds like it because I really don't see how he's taking any initiative decisions for himself- he's only going for what his girlfriends expect him to do.

 

Moving in with a girl he has no feelings for is asking for a lot of drama and complications. He should really back off and decide what he wants instead of playing games.

[confusedgirrl]

I really think it is possible he would cheat on his gf this other girl has some weird hold over him and he wont let her go. I told him I dont think it is good that he is thinking about someone else when he and his gf are about to move in with each other.

 

I think he may just not want to be alone. When I asked him if they were definitely moving in together his answer was I guess so, that doesnt sound like he is very committed to her. I can see alot more problems arising because of this.

[Kumatora]

I really think it is possible he would cheat on his gf this other girl has some weird hold over him and he wont let her go.

I wouldn't jump to that conclusion yet. I agree with you what he's doing is very foolish, but I wouldn't state he will be a cheater unless he has a history of it.

 

I think he may just not want to be alone. When I asked him if they were definitely moving in together his answer was I guess so, that doesnt sound like he is very committed to her. I can see alot more problems arising because of this.

And so what are you going to do about this? Just curious. I'd suggest staying out of the drama and let him figure it out on his own. You did all you could by giving advice... whether he takes it or not is entirely up to him. But getting involved into other people's martial problems will become a problem of yours. Be careful.

[confusedgirrl]

I will stay out of it, I think what he is going to do is so wrong and I want no part of it, I gave him my take on the situation and I am done.