Just ranting about the ex breaking NC again

[Hugwolf]

I’ve been NC for two weeks now, broken up for 7 weeks. (she’s the dumper) My ex kind of broke NC in my mind by calling my mom to make sure I was not going to stay home alone during the holidays. My ex also told my mom that she could take care of my cat for me while I am gone.

 

This happened like 3 days ago. I guess it has really been bothering me because this is the third time she has broken the NC I asked for. Every contact seems to be more out of concern or guilt. This crap keeps setting me back. I don’t want to completely lock her out of my life because deep down I want to leave the door open to her even if it seems wrong now. I want to grow without her and I want her and others to see me as a strong person again even if I am struggling right now and hiding it. I have been realizing the psychological power she had in the relationship to make me feel weaker than I am. She continues to wield this power even now. I can’t let go and it is making me feel weak for it. On the bright side I have not broken the NC myself.

 

I guess I am at a very confusing crossroad where I am seeing more things about the relationship that hurt me as an individual but I also still miss her terribly. Her expecting me to make the wrong personal decision for myself to isolate myself during thanksgiving and Christmas is just a reminder. Why the hell would I want to be alone this time of year? What is she thinking? Why does it even concern her at all?

 

This is just a rant and I know I am confused. I had to get it off my chest.

[Triplell]

I don't know the story, but obviously she is going through a hard time with this as well.

 

She'll quit calling after so long, it sounds to me like you need to decide what you really want. Tell your mom just not to tell you about it if she talks to her.

 

The door will be open if things ended on good terms. You just have to move on and live your life.

[quirky]

Hi Tibber, I read your threads yesterday. It sounds difficult you were with her a long time..and I also got the impression you're looking to make new friends. It is a difficult move but I think NC has to be stricter. She has to understand you need to heal, ask her not to contact your mom. I had to convince my ex for NC as well, basically asked him to do this if he cares or loves me at all. By finding ways to stand on your own feet and not depend on her even for your cat will make you a stronger person and therefore a person she might come back to. This part of healing that you're on now seems normal to me.

[Hugwolf]

Thanks for the advice QG and Triplell. I'm pretty sure she is having a hard time with the breakup too. Understanding your feelings QG has helped me put my ex into a better perspective which has been really helpful. I had not quite lived up to what she wanted from me for years and it took her a long time to find the support she needed to push me away. We did separate on good terms and I think that is part of why she feels comfortable breaking NC.

 

I agree that I should tell her that I need more space to heal. It is so hard to push her away even further when she already seem so far but even this level of contact is hard on me now.

[quirky]

Tibber, I'm happy if my posts helped in any way. NC is brutal at times but sadly it's the only way to gain any perspective. She needs that as well in a way but is too afraid to go for it. She said she's not attracted to you in that way...maybe this will change with NC who knows? My ex wanted LC or he said at least be friends on facebook, talk once a month I said "I was really into you, I need time to get over this, I don't know how long. I might be able to speak to you again when I'm in another relationship, I just have no idea. I don't wanna know how well or bad you're doing" I NEVER broke NC myself and as painful as it has been it is what eventually has helped me understand a lot about myself, relationships and love in general. Unless you're a little removed from the situation emotionally your judgement will be blurred.

[Hugwolf]

Thanks for the reply QG.

 

One of the worst things about NC for me right now is not knowing how far she has moved on. Every morning I'm having dreams about her telling me she misses me or she is having a really hard time without me. When I look at her behavior before NC and after and read your posts, QG, it seems likely it has not been easy on her at all. But like you, even if she misses me she knows that the relationship was not working for her. It's really sad to think someone is painfully tearing themselves away from you. I understand why she is doing it but it is still really sad.

 

I think this is part of what has frustrated me so much about her breaking NC. She has never done it to express any feelings of missing me or regret or anything like that. It has always been out of concern for me. It can be nice to know somebody is concerned about you, but not from her right now. It is the one thing I don't want. I don't want to be felt sorry for, I want to feel loved and appreciated. That sounds pathetic I know.. ugh mornings suck lol