I broke the rules of Caniglia's NC

[Belle]

I've read the whole how to get your ex back thing and I broke so many of the rules I'd like to smack myself. I called my ex after 3 weeks, he suggested we see each other the next day and was happy to hear from me and instead of just going with that happy vibe I talked about hte realtionship a little. BIG NO NO. It got too serious. From one day to the next he went from feeling upbeat and excited to see me to not wanting to see me. Granted, there was a death in the family so he wasn't excited about anything. He doesn't know what he wants and by not using teh attraction to get him back, I may have done more harm than good. He was on the boat. He wanted to see me immediately. He was happy. And now he's freaked out. Jeez. He said he'd call in a few days and I'm thinking I need to let him know that if he's unsure maybe we should just hang out as friends and not talk about anything serious for now. Any ideas guys? Should I suggest that we just be friends or follow his lead? I feel like I need to throw in there that he needs to take me out like he wanted to do initially. Maybe if I take the relaxed approach he'll come around on his own seeing as the chemistry has always been palpable and he was not so long ago crazy about me.

Please help.

 

Bell

[AnotherChick]

Hello,

 

I don't think you created too much of a catastorphe. Since you're already in contact and he is happy to see you sometimes. Maybe just send him an email, or give him an "up beat" call. You mentioned a death in the family, so just spin it as you know he has a lot on his mind to deal with and maybe you weren't as ready as you thought you were to hang out. But that you're still there if he needs someone.

 

Possible example:

"Hey, it's been nice talking to you. However, meeting up with you was more tough than I expected and you have many things you need to deal with. I want you to have some time and space to deal with stuff. Please call me if you need to talk, take care."

 

Of course "no contact" starts all over again, but you've managed your faux pas with finesse.

[Belle]

Hi AC,

Thanks for the advice, but I'm thinking I should leave well enough alone. If he calls, he calls. If he wants to see me as friends, I'll see him. I think. Don't know because I'm finding it hard to detach and stop thinking about it. Going ot the gym to look at other boys for a change.

 

Any ideas on how to avoid thinking about someone? Besides smacking myself repeatedly?

 

Belle

[DragonGirl724]

*sigh* belle belle belle,

 

lol ive smacked myself a few times too not to mention kicked myself in the arsenal* as well. lol

 

u havent messed things up too bad. listen hun i did all what u did & i think you arent ready to see him yet. you cant even hold a convo w/o thinkin bout the relationship or talkin about it. dont put up a front and make him think ur ok wen ur not..if your not ok then dont see him yet! i saw my ex after a month he wanted to see me!!!...same as u & we made out and had a great time being in eachothers presense that night it was so much fun & wonderful BUTTTTT i F'd it up by becoming a complete mess b/c we started talkin about the relationship & i got depressed completely killing our dinner date & what not. he mentioned earlier in the nite we should go dancing later on that same week. but after i got all depressed *didnt cry but i got way emotional* he said its best we dont see eachother yet. and he was 100% right tho i couldnt see it then but i do now. he was doing me a favor by not causing me excess grief by seeing me tho we missed eachother. i simply wasnt ready to see him yet & he knew it.

 

so do yourself a favor youll know for sure wen ur ready to see him next. i dont think its just yet. ur goin thru wat i went thru. and dont pressure him please! itll make every future experience hell have talkin to you or seeing you feel like a threatening uneasy unnatural event. tell him "listen hun id LOVEEEE to see you but i dont think im ready right now." hell respect your maturity & your independance. i shoulda dun that b/c now i want to see him but i left the ball in his court & i got to wait around for him. so to have the ball in your court & have the upper hand on this situation give yourself some time. hell understand u dont -not- want to see him cuz u hate him u jus need time to get ur emotions somewhat straightened out & you have every right to do so. break ups are tramatic and ur reactions are gonna be traumatic. dont make matters worse by adding to the grief he feels as well, not to mention the depression of the person he knows who passed away. he has a lot on his mind. if he needs a friend for emotional support, then be that, death is a hard thing to get over. but if u see him or speak to him as a comforter and not as an ex-gf u CAN NOT I REPEAT CAN NOTTTT bring up the relationship!! itll only make u look needy, and selfish. so dont do it. ask him if he needs a friend b/c thats what ull be. u love him and ur here if he needs you. dont force anything and dont see him if ur not ready to. goodluck w/ everything. u havent messed things up too bad hun dont worry. u can work around a lot of different situations when it comes to breakups there is no set guideline that fits into everyones personal situations....goodluck again & take care of yourself.

 

-DG724

[kate111]

Hi Belle,

 

My sympathies to you.

 

I think your situation is salvagable. I hate to be a bore but no contact is the way. It will take the pressure off your ex.

 

There is no cure for thinking about an ex too much. You just have to go through it. No contact will work in the end.

 

I know it souns cliched and everything but getting a haircut makes me feel better.

 

If you can go away somewhere this also helps to get some distance on the situation.

 

I would give your ex's number to a friend, and erase it from your phone so that you are not tempted.

 

Make sure you out away in a box anything that reminds you of him.

 

Try to go out and meet more people because if your present guy doesn't come back then at least you have a life to fall back on and some potential dates.

 

I know these things to do sound crappy and everything but they are really all you can do for now. You have to move on a little bit.

[Belle]

dragon girl,

I think in a week or two I'll be ok. When we spoke I wasn't in the slightest emotional or depressed. A day later I was though. As long as he doesn't see it or hear it, I'm good. I was very upbeat about it. I'm amazed at how far I've come in 3 weeks. But when he does call, I'm not going to talk about us anymore. I'll let him take the lead. I've been keeping busy so I don't think about it so much and it's enormously helpful. Movies, exercise, running errands. Movies again. Damn helpful. Now my conversations with people actually don't include much of this (except here) and they're doing all of the talking. Much needed improvement.

 

Thanks Kate. I'm not going to call him, but what if he calls me? He would be hurt if I didn't call him back, especially when he always calls me back even though lately he waits a while before he calls. At this stage since he's open to communication, I don't know if I want to ignore his calls because he'll perceive that as me shutting down again. I will do the haircut thing. And I will try to get out more and meet people. I've been focusing on putting weight on so that I don't scare people away.

 

thanks again ladies.

 

Belle

[kate111]

Yes I definitely think you should not ignore his calls or refuse to return his calls.

 

What I mean is that you should let him take the lead. After all you have said what you wanted to say, it is now up to him to make the decision.

 

Just let him know occasionally that you haven't forgotten him, you are just giving him space.

[AnotherChick]

Hello Belle!

 

I read through the posts. I think your letting him take the lead is a great idea, and it sounds like you have done quite well keeping busy.

 

I know it's tough, but you sound really positive, so I just wanted to take a moment to say "Great Job!" and "Hang tough!".

 

I think you are on the right track to taking care of you. Really, that is the most important thing.