Cant be bothered to care

[skydiver00]

Let me say that although a comment or 2 might contradict it, Im not in any way suicidal or anything, so thats why I chose to not post in that forum..

 

I find myself just not caring anymore, about anything. I mean like everyone (I think?) you can have one of "those days" but seems I'm having those days 3-4 days a row/week. I also find myself daydreaming about the aftermath if I was in a accident(car or work) and died. I dont have anything to be excited about or to look forward to, it's all just blah to me most days...

Its really changed me. I use to be pretty relaxed easygoing,witty, just a bit of sarcasm getting a laugh, but still largely a introvert person. Which im fine with.

Now ive found myself being overly sarcastic/rude, irritable and short to the pt where I get a vibe that Im pushing people away. Most notably w/my coworkers who also double as most of my friends. There's only a handful of us and we rarely work in the same, so usually calls are made between us during the day to see whats up, I rarely get called...

 

I think all the rejection in my personal life is finally just breaking me down and left me feeling like a failure. Ive never managed any kind of serious relationship and had that feeling of worth and being something to someone in my life. (Spare me the argument of being something to family it wont work.) For the longest time It was fine as I was a content and let myself be fooled into the line of thinking that it'll happen when Im not looking...I now feel thats a line of crap IMO...

 

Id really been looking forward to building a house next yr but that is all falling apart to...None of my land deals are working out, contractors cant be bothered to call me back on quotes and due to the recent mortgage issue, my plan of building a enough to get living in and out from my parents and slowly finish as time/money allows might not be fly..

I was planning to build enough Sq ft. to support a family, but now im really questioning if I want to do that... If im just gonna be alone(given the above paragraphs) then I could cut my sq ft in half. Building this particular style house is expensive and complicated enough, so Id like to have it pretty close to what I should need down the rd..

 

Not sure what responses im looking for, more ranting I guess...

[catfeeder]

I go through cycles of this, and not just for a day or two. It's a time of resistance--mine against the world, and the world against me, often demo'd by things (like your contractors) not going smoothly or falling apart.

 

It has occurred to me that these cycles in my life often line up with same in the lives of others around me, and I can talk myself down from viewing the whole big glob of stress as being all about me. Sometimes people are just as cranky as I am, and when I'm intuitive enough, I can avoid pulling a head trip on myself about it.

 

The thing that has helped me most was to recognize that it's a cycle and it will pass, but it's up to me to go passive (stop resisting) in order to help that happen. Otherwise, I can lock it into a holding pattern that's hard to break out of. I also need to quit the negative self-talk, because I swear, you can talk yourself into making your worst alienation fears come true. It's just not productive or necessary, and it's not as though giving it up was any big loss--I didn't get any pleasure from it. Just a bad habit that can be quit.

 

To stop resisting, I go quiet (watch my mouth) and just relax and be nice to people when I must deal with them. I avoid attention, so sarcasm isn't even a temptation--I'm flying under the radar, not into it. I stay observant enough to notice when things start softening up a bit, as demo'd by people turning warm toward me again.

 

I used to blame my period, but these cycles weren't really in synch with that and are far less frequent as I've matured a bit. I've learned to stop responding to them in ways that accelerate them and make them worse.

 

It has also occurred to me that maybe when I am just a b!tchy girl, the world responds in kind. I also know the difference in myself between these times versus depression. If you think it's possible that you're depressed, you don't need to white-knuckle through this. A therapist might help you to work it out, and that doesn't necessarily imply that you'd need drugs, either.

 

In your corner.

[skydiver00]

Thanks for the response...

It is a cycle, no doubt about. I still have up days but in a month span, I use to have just a couple bad days. Now its mores like a few days a week, which is about half the time...

I see what your saying on being passive or not self destructing... I get that, my problem is Ive got nothing to pull from to keep me motivated/positive or think that anything better can/will come along.

I do actually try to do the same in the bold, but thats where the being short with people comes into effect. Seems like when im trying to avoid people is when im more needed to interact and I simply get more irritated,quicker as all I want is to be left alone...

[catfeeder]

Thanks for the response...

It is a cycle, no doubt about. I still have up days but in a month span, I use to have just a couple bad days. Now its mores like a few days a week, which is about half the time...

 

Yep, it can increase whenever I lock into it as a habit. Say I have one bad day--it sets me up to think in certain ways, and it can either snowball into the next day, or I dodge a bullet only to get hit by a boomerang the day after. That's because thinking patterns are as habitual as anything else, and when I don't recognize that I'm slipping into them, they become transparent to me--I can't see them until they're extreme.

 

Now I've learned how to keep my antennae up, and I sense my bad moods as they're coming on. I make deliberate choices to reverse them when possible, or to neutralize them when a positive spin isn't an option.

 

I see what your saying on being passive or not self destructing... I get that, my problem is Ive got nothing to pull from to keep me motivated/positive or think that anything better can/will come along.

 

I understand. Sometimes I don't have it in me to turn my ship completely around with more inspiring thoughts, so I go neutral--I settle for not indulging self-pity into a downward spin. These are just 'wait it out' times, and I won't let myself drill into the future during them because it only projects a bad mood into the future. How productive is that? Bad moods by their definition are 'bad' so it's not as though I can promise myself a future bed of roses during these times--but I can refrain from discouraging myself. I can at least learn from the hard road that smoother highways are ahead, and I don't need to decide what that will look like right now. Just need to get my ass through this, preferably in the kindest possible way for my own head.

 

I do actually try to do the same in the bold, but thats where the being short with people comes into effect. Seems like when im trying to avoid people is when im more needed to interact and I simply get more irritated,quicker as all I want is to be left alone...

 

I make it a point of pride and self-control to not come out sideways on other people, and I've matured into seeing this as an act of professionalism on the job. Work is NOT a therapeutic environment. My coworkers don't 'owe' me a good day, I owe them for keeping me in business. At the end of a day when I've maintained my pride and reputation despite my biggest obstacles, I'll reward myself with something chocolate, or an iPod song, or good drink, or something.

 

One snide remark on the job can kill a working relationship and pit you against yourself, because racking up enemies breeds paranoia and amplifies the larger problem. You can't run around and undo the damage once you've caused it, but you can pipe down, curb your bark, be calm and kind when addressed, and allow time to heal any wounds you've caused. Time does work in your favor as long as you don't keep dishing out negativity. If you reverse that, you'll soften people's memories of you over time until eventually you may start feeling the warmth of inclusion again.

 

Good news is, once you get good relationships back, you'll value them, and you'll never take other people or your job for granted again--especially during a recession.

 

In your corner.