Cheating and NC

[moyno85]

Hi all

 

There seem to be a million posts regarding regular breakups and NC to heal/move on/make other person miss ex etc.

 

My particular situation is a bit different.

 

I posted a few weeks ago with my story. The abridged version is:

 

Cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years.

I broke up with her 3 days later and told her everything.

4 weeks later she starts seeing someone else.

 

I am devastated though convince myself I am just jealous.

 

Cut forward 3 months, I am an absolute wreck and still hopelessly in love with my ex. I tell her this. She says she hasn't forgiven me yet.

 

Constant battles of desperation going between being friendly and civil to her

giving me a frosty stone wall. (understandably)

 

She is never able to say it is over, never said she didn't love me any more, mentions things about not wanting to get back together now because it would ruin any chance of getting back together in the future. She alternates between being nice to me and remorselessly stabbing me when I am on my hands and knees. If she was able to tell me it was over for good it would have been so much easier to just accept it and move on. I hear the words "I can't" and "I'm confused" 100,000 times.

 

After a while I tell her I can't take it anymore and ask her to please stop contacting me and that we should go our separate ways.

 

She calls me a few days later to tell me she is going to break up with her boyfriend in November (he is going overseas for a month) to be fair to me. (I don't really get it either, but I didn't exactly tell her not to)

 

I meet up with her again and ask her if she was serious about breaking up with him.. she just says "i dunno"

 

I continue begging, crying pleading etc. which I think has really started to grate on her. I look a whole lot weaker and pathetic in her eyes. I think it has even drawn her closer to the new boyfriend.

 

6 months later I am still a mess (getting better thanks to NC).

 

I genuinely want to give her space this time and its helped me get my sanity back big time.

 

She obviously needs space from all the badgering I have been doing so I cut contact on the 7th.

 

So, the main question I would like to ask everyone is:

 

Do you think NC has the same affect when someone has been cheated on? I know it has helped with my own healing even though I am the one in the wrong but do you think she misses me? Is it possible to miss someone who has betrayed you and now you are with someone else?

 

i realise how devastating what I did was and I have paid the ultimate price for it.

 

It's been 3 weeks - she sent me a message on my birthday 2 weeks ago which was quite friendly I guess. I didn't reply. I haven't heard any more from her and don't know if the ball is in my court. Would it have offended her that I didn't reply? how long I should keep going NC.. maybe forever?

 

I'm losing all perspective on what is right and wrong.

 

A lot of people have said this situation is hopeless, maybe that's true...

[Theblueman123]

Give her time, you committed an ultimate act of betrayal. I admire that you told her and ended the relationship though, but man she needs time to heal. If you want to show her that you're sorry and that you've changed then acknowledge her requests for NC. Tell her that you'll be there for her and that you're working on yourself. Actually work on yourself and leave the ball in her court, that's all you can do I'm afraid.

[arcadefire]

Do you think NC has the same affect when someone has been cheated on? I know it has helped with my own healing even though I am the one in the wrong but do you think she misses me? Is it possible to miss someone who has betrayed you and now you are with someone else?

 

I used NC immediately after I found out my most recent ex cheated on me. Haven't regretted one minute without him since. Of course, depends on the person, but I felt no desire to be with him after I found out...

[moyno85]

I used NC immediately after I found out my most recent ex cheated on me. Haven't regretted one minute without him since. Of course, depends on the person, but I felt no desire to be with him after I found out...

 

I can respect that. Did he try and apologise or make it up to you? Did you let him?

 

My situation is quite different in that my ex hasn't cut me off and says she would still like to be friends. We were extremely close.

 

I have done everything humanly possible to try and let her know how sorry I am.

 

As lame as some of this sounds I:

 

wrote and recorded her a song - she messaged me and said it made her cry

 

wrote her 3 massive letters telling her it was not her fault etc

 

gave her her favourite flowers

 

painted a portrait of her (kinda creepy I know.. haven't given it to her yet for this reason)

 

Got her a heap of stuff from Thailand/Cambodia which I also haven't given to her due to NC

[arcadefire]

Well... I have a thread that gives the painful details of the aftermath. To be blunt, yes, he did try to apologize. He left sobby voicemails, a lengthy (but spiteful) email trying to "justify" his actions, and after all of that didn't work, his method of last resort was to wait for my at my office parking garage, holding roses, dressed up, and following me to my car.

 

To be short, I did not give him another shot. Or rather, a 100th chance or something.

 

Your situation may still have a chance. Unsure though since she is already serious with someone else and may not want to risk losing him either.

 

In my honest opinion, it would be easier to start anew with someone else than to try to repair the damage that has been done. Learn from your mistakes, and never again make them to another loving girl who doesn't deserve that kind of pain.

[moyno85]

thanks for the reply.

 

Everyone I have spoken to says wow, wayyy too much work. Give up, move on.

 

Could be the right thing to do.

 

I do love her and its pretty hard to just give up.

 

In either case I just broke my own 3 week NC and sent her a message saying thanks for the birthday message, hope things are well.

 

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.

[arcadefire]

Your confusion is because you are clinging onto a hope that can very well never be fulfilled. And you are stuck trying to move on while she already has, which is probably the case with my ex. I wish no harm on my ex... I truly just wanted this mess to be put behind us so I can get on with my life.

 

I would stop contacting her. The infidelity is forever going to be a 400 lb. gorilla in the room. It will never go away. I wouldn't call it giving up, but sometimes the relationship is just so irreparable that it's better for your sake to start forming a bond with someone else.

[moyno85]

I would stop contacting her. The infidelity is forever going to be a 400 lb. gorilla in the room..

 

Surely there's gotta be a way to put all that in the past. Maybe its just too soon.

 

I called her last night and we spoke for about 2 hours. I was a bit of a mess, she became a bit of a mess. There was crying all round. Not necessarily in a bad way.

 

I basically said to her that everyone thinks I am crazy for even trying when everyone else says its obvious she has moved on.

 

So I asked her to please just put me out of my misery and tell me if she has.

 

Then she tells me about how she gets upset when she sees photos of me out with other girls. She even said she would be sad if we never got back together again in the future.

 

From what I gathered she still cares about me but cannot get over the hurt feeling from what I did to her. It's not a conscious choice, she just can't.

 

She said she is going to write me a letter in the next few days to better put it into words.

 

Is there anything I can do? Just give her time? Give up? Will it ever go away?

 

She seems to soften toward me the longer we go without speaking.

 

This is so rough.

 

Thanks for the help guys.