Why after you learn from your mistakes, they still don't want you back

[Nappyloxs]

The truth is I know the answer to my own question. But I guess I want to rant and hear your answers. Because I have so many unanswered questions.

 

My ex. and I broke up about two months ago. To me it was out of the blue and over something trivial. Thinking about it, I learned that there must have been something else (not someone else) she was bottling up inside, and the argument was her way out.

 

It was a bad argument. We both said things I think we both regret. I know I do. I thought it was just a bad argument and we would make up and just be mad at each other for a few days.

 

Having two months to think about the last 2.5 years with her, learned about a lot of the mistakes I made. My biggest mistake I did not make her feel loved. I am the type that tries not to show any feelings. My friends even comment how I don't even seem like I am having trouble with breakup.

 

I realized that mistake and so much more. I tried to communicate with her, but she initiated NC immediately. Even 2 days after the argument, when she stopped by to pick up her stuff. I tried to talk to her about what happened even though I was still mad. She did not want to talk to me.

 

I was mad with her the first two weeks. But then I forgave her. Since then I truly believe that if we were to get back together. I would be a changed man. (It just occurred to me that I was influenced by two types of male roles: The one I can't exactly explain, but it was me 2 months ago. Then there is the type that do everything for their women, I use to say I never want be like that. Truth is those are the men who are happy. Its funny to because I like giving and helping others, but I did not do it in my relationship very much.)

 

I wish she would just be open to reconcile, so she would see how much I learned from my mistakes.

 

The problem is that it is too late and she decided to move on.

 

And it feels like a catch 22, because I don't want to give what I learned to just anyone either. Only her.

[Rob1000]

Dude have you really learnt or are you just regretful of your mistakes? There is a difference. You're at that stage of a break up where you've thought about things and how you could have done things differently. You want her back and are now blaming yourself for the break up when the truth is, you were BOTH to blame. Back when I really wanted my ex back, I told her it was all my fault, that it was me who was to blame, but she wasn't having any of it. A few months of NC later and I've realised it was both of us who broke it. We were both to blame. Chances are that you have learnt and are willing to give it another try to see if you can put those lessons in to practise, but has your ex learnt anything from her mistakes, will she be willing to make changes to her side if you two end up together? There's just no point in going back unless you have both learnt, because, in reality, you were both to blame.

[KiNo]

For most cases, there are rarely that just one side who causing all the problem and blamed.

 

When two people get together, feeling strikes in, and it is crucial for maintaining the relationship, when the feeling is gone, nothing can be done to salvage, its over.

 

It doesn't really matter who to blame though. I can just say, the chemistry is finished and its reaction comes to an end.

 

Move on.

[LillyLooWho]

For your future relationships, you will be happier and your partner will be happier if you are honest about your feelings and show her how you feel. Strong and silent only works in the movies.

 

Your ex probably doesn't believe you have changed. Or even if she does believe it, she is fed up. She has moved on. I know it sucks. I'm sorry you are hurting.

[vertigoxo]

When my ex blamed me for the relationship's outcome, I felt so hurt and decided to cut him out of my life forever. A month or so later, and he texts me to apologize. I was having none of it. People who blame others are terrible people, and people who blame themselves are percieved as weak. In the end, it's both the dumper's and the dumpee's fault that the relationship ended. Until you two learn from that... You two will just go on hating each other for the rest of your lives.

[Timebandit]

As for being a changed man:

 

People tend to make all kind of promises when they have their backs to the walls, i.e. "I promise I will never do x again...". And I am sure the mean it when they say it. Odds are however, that when you are back in the rut you tend to slip back into old behaviours UNLESS you are somehow able to address the underlying cause of the behaviour.

 

Perhaps you are INDEED a changed man, but most people are generally wise enough to take claims like that with a grain of salt.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks.

 

I don't only blame myself, I do blame her too. But I cannot change her, only she can change herself. I am taking this breakup as a learning experience. I have to look at me. When we first broke up, it was easy to through all the blame on her. But I use to tell her all the time "you have to look in the mirror first, before judging other people." I had to look in my mirror.

 

I use to say that she was non-supportive and that she did not faith in me. I still believe that. She loved me, but just did not have faith in me. She was also terrible at communicating her feelings. She would make comments like she want her own this and that, instead of we or us.

 

Like leeloo said, the strong and silent type only works in the movies. I should have been able to communicate everything with her or the next one.

 

I tried to look back for warning signs or when are relationship started to changed. At first, I use went back to a period when I could blame her. Then I thought about whether there was something I did. There was. See I am still friends with my first two ex from years ago. Strictly friends, both of them are married and in different states. About a 1.5 years ago, I was emailing with one of them and I was saying how I did not know if she was the one. Somehow, my ex read this email. I lost a piece of her that I never gained back and even never really tried to gain back.

 

An example of how I was in the relationship. A friend and I went out to the strip club and few weeks ago (post breakup). His wife called him a bunch of times wondering where he was at. No he was wrong in that he ignored the calls. I would have answered the call and just said where I was at. (my ex. would have been pissed). But the next day, he took his out to breakfast and shopping. Me, I wouldn't have done anything, maybe argued about it.

 

See, I was too caught up in what I wanted to do. And did not really see that every little instance where I ignore her feelings were adding up.