Just looking for support this morning

[rapunzel]

He just sent out a lengthy email to the band, what a great show, blah blah blah detailing dates and plans for 2010...wants confirmation. Here it is October 24th. Yeah, he's happy as a lark. Why wouldn't he be?

 

Seriously, I am not telling them I am leaving the group until the end of the year. There's no way I'm dealing with everyone knowing that I'm leaving/why I'm leaving until it happens. They've done gigs without me, and they can do more gigs without me.

 

I know nothing about his new relationship except that it is new, that's she's his FB friend, and I learned stuff about her by being an internet sleuth. I know this doesn't help me and is unhealthy. I'm going to assume the worst: that he will marry her and since she is 35, maybe they will have kids and live happily ever after.

 

Could I stay and watch this happen? Why can't I handle it? I wish I could rise above this. Obviously he and I are not ever and never were meant to be. I want to get past this. I don't want to have to leave the group. Please help. ](*,)

[Clabs]

Oh Rap

 

What are we going to do with you, girly??!!

 

If you don't want to quit the band then you have to really get a grip of yourself and your emotions. You seem to spend all your time beating yourself up and doing yourself no favours whatever.

 

Quit this internet stalking crap - where is that gonna get you? If you go looking for "bad" news, you will generally find it and just make yourself feel even crappier.

 

Yes, it is a perfectly normal knee jerk reaction to panic and think they have a perfect relationship - marriage/kids/blah but come on? That is your daft head thinking those thoughts. But what does it matter? Really? What does it matter?

 

You accept that you are not compatible, and you are right. I have always thought this guy was a bit of a knob-end so I think he has done you a favour, I really do.

 

You know - you sound like a fantastically talented lady to me - I just wish to god that you would see that. But your current mindset will preclude a decent relationship with anyone.

 

I would love to hear some posts from you that you played this gig or that and were so proud of yourself on how well you played - that'd be awesome.

 

I don't know leaving the band will do you any good because if you continue to obsess and stalk about what he is doing then you will be double miserable!

 

What about starting your own band? Start afresh? You obviously have made a bit of a name for yourself? What do you think?

 

I dunno - I am waffling here, but you have to change something.

 

Do you remember my "crappy mirror" post?

 

Mark

[Batya33]

Does it help you to remember the fun, romantic, sexy times you had with him which you wouldn't have had at all had you not chosen to take the risk of getting involved with him? I know the downside of it feels yucky now - I would feel yucky, too, but you did have fun and pleasure too right?

[Ms Darcy]

Oh Rap

 

What are we going to do with you, girly??!!

 

If you don't want to quit the band then you have to really get a grip of yourself and your emotions. You seem to spend all your time beating yourself up and doing yourself no favours whatever.

 

Quit this internet stalking crap - where is that gonna get you? If you go looking for "bad" news, you will generally find it and just make yourself feel even crappier.

 

Yes, it is a perfectly normal knee jerk reaction to panic and think they have a perfect relationship - marriage/kids/blah but come on? That is your daft head thinking those thoughts. But what does it matter? Really? What does it matter?

 

You accept that you are not compatible, and you are right.

 

 

What are we going to do with you is right. Listen, the guy deserves his own happiness. He's not a killer or anything, he's just not into you.

 

I think you should embrace being alone. So what if he does marry her and have some kids? Or maybe he marries someone else and she marries some other guy? You have had over a year without him ... has every day been miserable?

 

Embrace singlehood. That can be your happily ever after.

[rapunzel]

Oh Rap

 

What are we going to do with you, girly??!!

I know....

 

If you don't want to quit the band then you have to really get a grip of yourself and your emotions. You seem to spend all your time beating yourself up and doing yourself no favours whatever.

I know, this is the problem...

 

Quit this internet stalking crap - where is that gonna get you? If you go looking for "bad" news, you will generally find it and just make yourself feel even crappier.

I agree, it is a problem. You can find out SO much on the internet...it's scary actually.

 

Yes, it is a perfectly normal knee jerk reaction to panic and think they have a perfect relationship - marriage/kids/blah but come on? That is your daft head thinking those thoughts. But what does it matter? Really? What does it matter?

Yes, I realize it is all about the thoughts I think. And they are just thoughts, so they can be changed. I decided to just assume the worst as it will keep me from wondering if at the 3 month mark, he will freak out and dump her too. I don't want to wonder if/when he dumps her or if he will fall madly in love with her. I want to assume he WILL fall madly in love with her as she does fit his criteria, being 15 years younger than he. It should not matter to me, you are right. But I am already worrying about the band christmas party and he will be there with her, I will be alone...and thinking there is no way I'm going this year.

 

You accept that you are not compatible, and you are right. I have always thought this guy was a bit of a knob-end so I think he has done you a favour, I really do.

Thanks.

 

You know - you sound like a fantastically talented lady to me - I just wish to god that you would see that. But your current mindset will preclude a decent relationship with anyone.

Thank you, I know this is a problem which is why I have thought I need to leave and get away from him.

 

I would love to hear some posts from you that you played this gig or that and were so proud of yourself on how well you played - that'd be awesome.

I played a gig last night and the bass player told me I had a standing ovation on one side of the room (didn't see it). I was singing a particularly difficult song and for some reason last night, I nailed it. I cried pretty much all day and was worried that my voice wouldn't hold up but it did. I got a lot of compliments last night so I am proud of that.

 

I don't know leaving the band will do you any good because if you continue to obsess and stalk about what he is doing then you will be double miserable!

I know. This is my fear, that if I leave - YES - I get away from him, the source of what has turned into a full blown obsession and if I leave, I will continue to stalk the band online, following their gigs, seeing who they got to replace me, deeply regretting leaving, etc. And yes, I will probably stalk him too, I have not been able to stop myself from the all and powerful Google.

 

What about starting your own band? Start afresh? You obviously have made a bit of a name for yourself? What do you think?

I am in another band already, and I have my own thing that I book occasionally. It's a good idea, and I should perhaps expand on my own thing a bit more.

 

I dunno - I am waffling here, but you have to change something.

I have to change the way I think about this whole situation. I continue to think that he looks at me as just an aging undesirable woman and now he has a shiny, new and much younger toy. I have to just accept that this is who HE is and this is who I am. I can't help that I was born in 1961. I have many things to be thankful for. So I screwed up and I am sure I made some mistakes with him. I know this for a fact but it doesn't mean I am now just an undesirable person. He probably would have dumped me anyway, even if I made zero mistakes.

 

Do you remember my "crappy mirror" post?

I don't...

 

Mark

 

Last night I drove to a gig with a musician friend. He had no idea what was going on, and he is moving to another country next month so I let him in on what was happening although I didn't tell him who it involved. He said "I hope this isn't affecting your self-concept, your self-image..." and of course, he hit the nail on the head.

 

I guess I just assume that when I walk into rehearsal and my ex sees me that he is thinking, "yup, not attracted to her...." He could very well be thinking that. He could be thinking all kinds of things but I no control over what he thinks. He is doing what he wants and it is important to realize that it doesn't have much of anything to do with me.

[rapunzel]

Does it help you to remember the fun, romantic, sexy times you had with him which you wouldn't have had at all had you not chosen to take the risk of getting involved with him? I know the downside of it feels yucky now - I would feel yucky, too, but you did have fun and pleasure too right?

 

It would be nice if this were helpful and ideally, it would be but at this point they are painful memories - because obviously they were not as fun, romantic and sexy for him.

[Batya33]

It would be nice if this were helpful and ideally, it would be but at this point they are painful memories - because obviously they were not as fun, romantic and sexy for him.

 

But you don't know that at all -just because he did not want to be in a serious relationship with you that doesn't tell you that in the least.

[rapunzel]

Well, thank you for saying that...you are kind...but if it was really all that great for him, he would not have ditched me.

[wlh22]

It takes time... but hang on there... more beautiful things to come in life...

[rapunzel]

Thank you for that.

 

You know, I had been doing pretty well up until recently. Just treating him as I would any other band member, I don't go out of my way at all to talk to him but I respond in a cordial, sometimes friendly way when he talks to me. But in the last few weeks I've just had a feeling that someone else had entered the picture, and of course, I'm still alone.

 

So I've been pretty much ignoring him, not terribly obviously (I hope not anyway) but at the show the other night, I did ignore him. I did not speak to him, he did say hello to me early on (before he was sucking face with new girlfriend), I said hi back and answered his question about the set up we were in the middle of.

 

I REALLY don't want him to think that I'm still bent up about this. I am really good at dishing out the advice to people on how to act around the ex but I guess I need some reminders on how to handle this situation. I doubt that ignoring and giving him the cold shoulder is the way to go. Thanks in advance.