Lost woman I proposed to. Pls help me answer a question

[Earner]

There is some wisdom on these pages. Perhaps you can offer me some.

 

I have professional help for depression following this situation I created.

 

If you don't want to read my story, please just go to the question at the end!

 

Three years ago, I met a wonderful woman. At the time, I was a very independent single man. (I am now 28 yrs old). She was 8 yrs older than me. We were deeply in love. I moved around the world to be with her. Every moment was perfect EXCEPT - she wanted children, and I was just not ready. She felt the pressure of her biological clock. This issue between us caused us to split many times. I would literally have to leave the country. Contact would continue. Our love would bring us back... and I would fly back to her... but the issue was only ever the children.

 

She was patient with me all this time, waiting for me to come around to be able to commit to marriage and a family. I let her go one last time afew months agao, not because I wanted to, but because I had a complex about having children... I knew I wasn't ready and it was to do with my parents - so I went straight into therapy, and in three months, sorted out some issues. (This is the short version!)

 

I had always known that I would want my former gf to be the mother of my children: but before, I was scared of having a family, so that didn't mean anything. However, after therapy, I was no longer scared. I lived with my changes for a while.

 

And finally, I was ready. More than anything else in the world, I wanted what I had been avoiding all along: to have a family with this woman I am so in love with. I went to the jewelers to get the engagement ring. The SAME day, I received my first email from her in a while after our split. "I have moved on. I have another man. Forget me"... ETC. (She had known I was seeing a therapist, but we were not in regular contact, since we had officially split and I saw no point keeping in touch with her until I could offer her something new: commitment and family)

 

I knew that her moving on was possible when I had left her. But, after I received her last email, I had to SHOW her my love and my change. I got on the plane one last time, around the world just to propose. She rejected me, as I expected. "I have someone else"

 

She moved on from me to him in a few weeks! Now. I am trying to get over it by not contacting her. She even told me when she rejected me, quite matter of fact "the way to deal with this is for us not to be in touch"....

 

Here I am. Fighting depression. I know she loved me SO MUCH as to wait for me for three years. And it was only the feeling of the finality of the last split that made me get the therapy I needed. I am a changed person. What I wanted before as a single man no longer holds appeal for me. Yet I can't have the family and woman I am now ready for. Between the two, I don't know if I can ever be as happy as I was with her - OR even before I met her, when at least being single seemed like the best thing.

 

The worst thing is that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SITUATION. There was nothing wrong with our relationship except the children issue. There was nothing wrong with her. I have sorted out my issues now. So now, I have no good reason not to enjoy my future with her.

 

But HERE IS WHAT IS REALLY GOING AROUND MY HEAD. She moved on so quickly... and almost everyone I know says... a) she is unlikely to marry her new man and b) if she doesn't, she will call me again.

 

Now, I am not waiting on that call. I know I have to move on... But do people really work like this? She wanted my child for three years. Within a month of the final break-up, she found someone else. She is caught up with him emotionally. I proposed to her. She looked in my eyes and knew I would give her everything she always wanted... but she clearly and firmly rejected me... Now, so many say "Of course, she is in the honeymoon phase with this new man... just wait. The proposal will have an effect in her memory over time... You will hear from her again"?!?!? What's more, they tend to say that the only "chance I still have" is to not be in touch with her at all, wait for things not to work out with the new man, and LET HER CALL ME... So while I am avoiding contacting her as part of my grieving, part of me is hoping that not calling her may help to get her back? Crazy, normal, strange, naive or what?!?

 

What are the chances that she will call me again? She turned down a marriage proposal... but those around me are saying things like "rebound" etc... and that she will, when the intensity of the current relationship wears down, appreciate that I am her "best option".

 

I am eight years her junior. Her new man is older than her, giving her the maturity she felt she lacked from me. Yet he is a divorcee with a child. He has reached his dreams. I am yet to reach mine.

 

DO WOMEN REALLY THINK BACK TO OLD RELATIONSHIPS AND PICK UP THAT PHONE?. Can a woman move on so quickly to a new man, and it be "the one"... My friends say not to be surprised by a call in a few months to a couple of years! She is 37 now, and wants badly to have a child soon. So she has to do it with her new man very soon... or find another extremely quickly.

 

THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS MAIL, and for your patience, and for any thoughts or experience

[Scout]

I wouldn't expect her to be the one to pick up the phone. You are the one who left her, and she probably was devastated by that. You have to understand that for three years, she was dealing with wanting more than you could give her at the time. That took its emotional toll on her, and naturally, this new relationship is helping her to heal from that pain. Will it last? Who knows. But don't expect her to call you - you will have to do the work on this one, and I would advise you don't over-do it, just let her know you recognize the pain you caused her, you wish more than anything to make up for it, but you respect the fact that she is with someone else now, and you really feel you need to step back and let her make some decisions on her own. Than stay in occasional contact so she knows she is staying in your thoughts. If you do that, she'll unthaw, but it will be a long process and you must have patience. Even after all that, you can hope, but must not absolutely expect, that you two will reconcile. If everything was perfect between you except for the children issue, than you have a better shot than most of us. Just don't panic and screw everything up. Remember, she had to spend three years being patient for you, what you're going through now is a drop in the bucket compared to that.

[tiger_lilies]

I totally agree with Scout. You must be patient and remain in the background. I'm positive that she hasn't fully moved on from you yet. a 3 year long relationship doesn't get forgotten that easily. This new man is a distraction for her.

 

Keep in contact with her, but don't be pushy about it. Be honest with your feelings, but don't pressure her either. I hope it works out for you.

[nenez]

Hi

Try to rememeber that you have made her wait three years. She has moved on. She believes at this time that she has found the right man for her.

She may well pass through the honeymoon phase but then again she may have found all she is looking for. I advise friendly conatact but no more. If it all goes wrong for her she may come back to you but studies show that the chances are she will move forwrd not back. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the indescision you have felt may well have effectively killed this relationship, there is only so much someone can take.

For yourself, also try to move on. Now you are readyto commit to a further stage you maywell find someone else for whom you can feel this intense love. learn from this, dont beat yourself up about it.

If she does come back to you you are one of the lucky ones. If she does not, you are young enough to learn and grow from this. The time you spent together is like a precious jewel, cherish it in your heart, but dont build your whole life around it.

Remeemebr , It is better to have loved and lost tan never to have loved at all.

I wish you well

With love

Nenez

[Earner]

Thanks.

 

What studies do you refer to? And what understanding of this situation to they provide? Where can I find them?

 

Also, the other two posters suggest that I should stay in touch. Is that the way to go? Wouldn't any kind of contact now indicate weakness on my part - that I have not moved on? She was always attracted to me "strength". I think she might find contact exasperating and intrusive while she is in another relationship, especially if i continue to indicate affection. What do you think?

 

Thanks for your help

 

Earner

[Earner]

How do I keep in touch with her so that she knows "she is in my thoughts" without disrupting her new life with her new man - ie. in a way that will increase her chances of coming back to me, rather than reducing them?

 

Thank you

Earner

[Earner]

She is in the "honeymoon" period of her current relationship. She was attracted to my strength and independence, and my instinct is that being seen to convey emotions when she has other focuses will appear to her as weak and unhelpful... Any women out there... is she more likely to feel positively for me if her last memory of me is the marriage proposal... or if she gets a drip drip of contact, which may make us slip into something "friendly" ?

 

My friend has a wedding in about four months near where she lives. That seems like a good excuse to be in touch again. Four months (six after she started with her new man). I could let her know I will be there - and see what her response is (rather than ask to see her).

 

What do you think?

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

As far as the question, I think your friend is right. I once went back in my mind and looked at some girls I used to date. I have dated many girls however I can count six, four cheated. They did not need to they wanted to play both sides of the fence. Out of the four three have called me, and the other emailed me. The other one, we just fell lost each other, we still talk. And the one I'm with i would not trade for the world. Yes, you are wondering, they do come back and they do call. But I'm not one to sit and stare at my caller ID until that happens. In some cases others just disappear and are gone forever.

 

Kuhl

 

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