Why don't relationships work?

[Mix Maxster]

Hey all,

Well I've been having a complicated week, trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts about my breakup with my ex. It came at a good time in my life because I'm finally more emotionally stable and my life is slowly getting more on track. I wasn't surprised though when I found out my ex wanted to leave me for another guy, I just knew that she was going to do it. So she didn't appreciate what she had, what would make her? Time? this guy breaking up with her?

 

Some people say that one is too young to know love when they're 19, but I can see that there's people of all ages on the forums, some even in their 30's and yet they're having the same problems finding true love as the rest of us. A lot of people have told me to let my ex go and move on and never look back. I'll admit after looking at the relationship I didn't exactly get much from her, but does that mean I should just write her out of my life completely? Seems that now adays relationships are becoming more and more unstable and no one cares to hold on to them because they can just find someone else that is better.

 

So am I just to sit here and not even care about her anymore? I wonder what she's thinking because she keeps using probably and maybe a lot in my conversations with her. The last time I talked to her before recently, I said some bad hurtful things to her and I was expecting to never hear from her again. Then I got the chance to talk to her and she didn't hang up on me. She said she was going to but didn't. I dunno, she said she also is keeping all the pictures she has of me and her because she wants to treasure them. Does this mean anything?

[Hopingpraying]

Well to me it means she still has feelings for you, but she always will. If you are in any type of long term relationship I don't think our EX's ever forget us no matter who does the breaking up. I still care about my Ex girlfriend and we have been separated for eleven years, I've been married since then but am going through a divorce. Me and my EX are just good friends now, I don't think I could start up another relationship with her even though I still have feelings for her. They are different feelings though.

 

Give her the space she wants. If you two are meant to be together things will work out that way. God has a plan for us, we just don't always see it that way or do the things he wants us to do. Step back and listen. He is there.

[princesa]

Dear all,

 

yes, this has been a difficult week, some days just are worse...I can see myself that I'm doing better when I don't need this forum's support. I mean I'm grateful for you being out there, but I wish I could one day stand on my own again and didn't need you guys. It'll come, I know...

Anyways, I just wanted to comment something you wrote Mix:

Seems that now adays relationships are becoming more and more unstable and no one cares to hold on to them because they can just find someone else that is better.

I've been going on and on about this lately, because this is just what annoys me now a days and it's making me very cynical. Unfortunately I'm even suffering this behaviour very personally, since I recently broke up with my boyfriend, because he wasn't passionately in love and thought he'd rather wait for something "better" - I could even understand this, if we were 19, but we are both over 30, really really want to settle down and we are really compatible too, enjoy(ed) each other's company and in every way I thought we were doing fine...but now my self-esteem is crashed and I have to think I was not "good enough". Obviously this is not my fault and he just doesn't love me, I have to move on, but just wanted to quote you and comment - people really don't know what they want, there is too much "offer" arround and yeah, who knows if you are to meet somebody better? This just makes me sick.

 

To your question, I think our ex's will never forget us, like we won't completely forget our ex's either...probably even the one who decides to wait or even go for "something that's supposed to be better" will keep on cherishing the thought of us or even loving us, but they just need to try to find something they think is better. It's the way it is now a days, just like nobody is satisfied with collecting stamps as a hobby, nowadays it has to be mountain climbing or something else "extreme"...

 

As you can see, this really puzzles me. in a way it's not just breaking up that makes me feel upset, it's just realising how disposable and unstable everything is nowadays. So why bother trying a relationship again?

 

But you are young, forget about what I'm saying...

 

Good luck anyways,

princesa

[DragonGirl724]

hey max,

 

well i know we talk alot but i decided to post a reply anyway. i know wen my ex broke up w/ me he said hurtful things but he didnt mean them and later appologized but b/c i love him i still knew i could never hate him & ive said im gonna hang up on him too but i never did even tho he said 'there now u have every right to hate so so hate me.' but i simply replied 'i cant.' and i saved all his pictures as well. and goin by my experiences that means your ex still loves or or even is still in-love with you. you and i just spoke and u said u came to the conclusion ur not meant to be. i think maybe thinkin that way is best for you right now since u are gettin ur life in order youre not dwelling on all the negatives like some of us...*me* lol its best you mentally focus on yourself now you seem to be doin a good job at that. best of luck with everthing but i personally think ur ex still loves you. but its good youre concerning your life around whats best for you & not worryin much about your ex. take it one day at atime. good luck...until we speak again 'ciao & God Bless'

 

-jen

[Mix Maxster]

Hey all,

Ya I know what you're saying princesa, seems the old fashioned meet the guy you're going to marry because you want the whole marriage thing isn't the way it works anymore. Everyone is looking for their soul mates now adays and if you're not what they completely want, need or expect out of someone they look for the next person. There isn't any need to stick with what you have if you're not happy, instead of trying to make things work it's easier for them to move on to the next guy because he's probably out there. For some they can find the next guy and be happy, but I don't understand why they don't want to try first. I came to the strong realization today that my ex loved me with all her heart and only wished the best for me, I gave her a lot of love and she loved so much about me. She fell in love with me because I was everything she'd ever want from a guy, but the problem was, was that there were some things that I couldn't be or change to meet her wants and needs. Things like height and hair colour and personalities. I mean that's all important, but it's really harsh to the other person because just because they're not the height you wanted them to be you use that as a reason for going after the next guy that is the height you wanted.

 

I don't know what to think anymore about it, I feel like me and my ex had a great potential to be together forever, but unfortunately I've always felt that she had this thought in her mind of "the one" and as close as I was to being that, she still had her image of "the one" I just didn't match it completely. I have let go of her and everyone else should let go of theirs too. If she comes back I'll see at that time if I want to be with her. All I know is, is that this new guy stands a very good chance at being with her forever. That's all I have to say about it and I wish her the best, it's unfortunate I had to be the one that lost in all of this, but I know through pain and suffering comes good fortune. The future is uncertain and if I grow as a person, only good things will happen. Good things happen to those that deserve it, but great things happen to those who have earned it.

[woopsydaisy]

Hi mix master sorry to hear about your situation with your ex girlfriend.Yeah it is disheartening when you split up, and the way you split up with your ex is all the more frustrating...i dont really understand her reasons for splitting up if its over pysical appearnce.I think she may understand later that maybe she ought to have looked at the realtionship and you diffrently.She probally does still love you, and i dont blame you for exspressing yourself to her you had to offload alot of emotions its natural.

 

To be honest i think every relationship is diffrent and they break away for diffrent reasons.I think princess is right that there is to much choice nowadays and people are becoming more fussy, and this may be an exuse for breaking a relationship..but i dont think its a very good one at that.I believe that initiating a break up is a hard thing to do and i think in general people do it for a reason..if compromise can not be saught between to individuals is it really worth the unhappiness..i think its better to leave a relationship when you carnt come to a comprimise then be unhappy for the rest of your life...even if you are spoilt for choice.

[princesa]

Hi Mixmaster,

 

I completely agree with you. This is exactly what I meant. People don't seem to have any need to stick with what they have, instead of trying to make things work it's easier for them to move on to the next, because "the perfect match" probably is somewhere out there. Nobody knows if they ever find the perfect match, but it seems to be worth trying. What I can't understand is that sometimes this means that while searching and hoping for this magic person to appear, these people even prefer being alone and sad to "settling for the second best". Ok, saying this sounds horrible, but like in your case, when two people really love each other and the relationship works great, what the %*££ is wrong with the second best?? especially if the first choice doesn't even exist or you can't be sure to find him/her...

In my relationship I felt exactly the same:

I feel like me and my ex had a great potential to be together forever, but unfortunately I've always felt that she had this thought in her mind of "the one" and as close as I was to being that, she still had her image of "the one" I just didn't match it completely. I have let go of her and everyone else should let go of theirs too

...the worst for me is that afterwards I've been feeling really like it was my fault that I didn't correspond exactly to what he wants "physically". Like I wasn't pretty enough...and I have to say I never had this problem before!!! Besides, I was pretty enough for him to start the relationship with me, wasn't I? I admit that what comes to other person's looks etc. we all have our preferences - but in my case at least I know what attracts me and if I can feel good and start a relationship with someone, well then it doesn't even occur to me after some time that the guy may not have the height I wish my future husband had, I'd better break up.

 

Like you say, we have to let this kind of superficial people go, no matter how much we love them and no matter how great the relationship itself was. We deserve something better - definitely to be accepted and loved just the way we are.

 

Good luck, and sorry for what happened to you,

Princesa

[woopsydaisy]

Hi prencesa.....sorry to butt in on the pst like this but i just read your reply to mixmaster...you said

 

What I can't understand is that sometimes this means that while searching and hoping for this magic person to appear, these people even prefer being alone and sad to "settling for the second best".

 

i dont quite understand how people can be with someone knowing that they are second best to someone who might come into there lovers lives any day.Isnt it the case settling for second best that you may to walk out on someone for first best ...or maybe even cheat on them(which is completely wrong ..but people do it).I know this is confusing but why stick around in a relationship with a peson if you could walk out on someone for someone else.I would prefer to be lonley than been stuck in a relationship without true love.

 

Just my thoughts and im not right and nor wrong...and it isnt a personal attack.

[princesa]

Hi woopsydaisy,

 

maybe I didn't explain well what I meant (english isn't my mother tongue...an excuse, I know ) -

 

I mean take a couple that is doing fine and actually both ARE in love with each other on at least some level - BUT one of them has this image of "the one" in his/her mind, of a sort of a dream partner, an image that doesn't correspond to the current partner. So should this person keep on searching for the exact match or settle for the second best = the current partner that is all right, lovable and so on? I mean you can never be sure that you'll meet the dream person, so why not make this other person your dream person by putting a little more effort into the relatioship. I don't mean that you just "take anyone", for example on grounds that you don't wanna be alone. No, that's not what I meant. I could never ever be with someone I'm not in love with. But I could and in fact want to be with someone who gives me love and I can have a great relationship with, even though this person might not have the exact looks and profession and nationality etc. that my ideal man would. To be honest, I don't even have a real picture of my ideal man ...

Ok, I understand that problems start if you have somebody else just "stand by" while waiting for a dream guy. But at least in my case if I "settle for" someone well then I respect and show faith, even if the "first best" all off the sudden appeared. It's a matter of choice I think, and by then I would have chosen the "second best"...no? Ok, you can take me by word on this...

I don't like this expression "settle for the second best" anyways.

What I meant is more or less what Mixmaster said about his case - for his girlfriend obviously he was the best ("everything she ever wanted"), but in her mind he was only "second best"...so my question is, what's wrong with secondbests if you love them and they love you back? Maybe she's even unhappy, because for her "stupid idea of the one" she can't be happy with Mixmaster, and in that case I think she's making a mistake and complicating her life unnecessarily. Sorry Mixmaster for taking this example, maybe I got your case wrong anyways!

 

 

Ok, enough for now...did you understand what I mean? Sorry for not making myself clearer, or maybe you just don't agree. Not everybody does...

 

take care you all, princesa

[woopsydaisy]

Hi princesa...thanks for replying to be honest i never thought you would but thanks anyway and i appreciate that you didnt take what i said as the wrong way...and another thing your english is preety good if its not your natural tongne (smiles).

 

yeah i understood what you meant...but when you asked

 

So should this person keep on searching for the exact match or settle for the second best = the current partner that is all right, lovable and so on?

 

I think if people are realistic and have morals no they shouldnt because i dont feel personally there is a exact match .It may seem like it from the outside and on initial meetings but time plays an important role here as it takes time to figure out what a person is really like.

 

I agree that if an apparent exact match comes along that you should be faithfull and stick with your current partner but people fall into temptation which is wrong.

 

I just think that if your with someone you should be faithfull to them and stick at things thats if you love them( SO I AGREE WITH YOU)..but isnt it the case that if you are serching for an exact match(the one) you carnt be in love with your current partner at the time?... i think its just a bit selfish to be using someone out of loliness until the one (if there is such a thing comes along)..and at the same time looking out for the one.

[tylercdurden2004]

Alright I see that a few points are brought up on this topic. First I think the question is more "why do relationships work". I think thinking in this way focusses on the issue at hand: finding someone you can be happy with. I do not fully agree that it is a negative that realtionships are more disposable. Think about what it was like 50, 100, 200 years ago. You married generally for security, for women that meant a man with money, a job etc. and for men that meant someone who can cook and raise kids etc. Nowadays the playing feild is more level in terms that I think women are more able to have careers and men are more able to take care of household chores and what not. We are becoming more fluid and this means more instability. But really think about it, would you want to be with a man you didnt love because you couldnt "afford" to leave him. Would you want to be with a woman you didnt love because you wouldnt have dinner for you waiting at home. I agree people are sometimes in search of too much adventure, in the end they may hurt themselves more by not trying. But thats what you want someone who is there when you need them not run away. Better to find this out sooner than later. Imagine yourself being 90 on your death bed, all your friends are gone you have little family left is this when you would want to find out when your partner doesnt love you? Its always better sooner than later but it still sucks. Be glad we live in a society where communication tools allow us a broader scope to find someone we really really love and that really really loves us. It wasnt this way not so long ago. I have lived in a country where religious and society pressures forced people to stay together and I could see the negative of that, many people wihtout the experience so they could know what they really wanted and many people in lovless relationships their whole lives. Just learn as much as you can from each heartbreak from yourself and from others, then when that person comes along you will have the strength to know and to do the right things.