What does this mean?? Please help me figure this out!!

[nagol818]

Short background:

Dated a guy for a year and a half. Had a very, very bad breakup 4 months ago and haven't talked to him since(I think he thinks I'm half crazy too as a result of the breakup.) He started seeing someone immediately....probably shortly before we had the very bad situation....took off and moved 2 hours away to her place and is still seeing her but things aren't going so great between them and that doesn't necessarily mean they are breaking up but he was moving out of her condo in 2 days from the day I ran into him, after only living there for 3 months. His idea of giving his "all" in a relationship leads me to believe that his conversation with her regarding him moving out(even thought he didn't tell me this) went something like this, "We probably took things too quickly. I never should have moved in so fast. Maybe we can make this work if we back up a little by me moving out." So he finds a ROOM mate on link removed for $650 per month 4 miles from her condo.(He used to have a 2 bedroom townhouse all his own for $740 plus utilities.) He will probably stay in the relationship to see how things go with him living separate from her.

 

I found this out the night I ran into him(totally unexpected on both of our parts) and ended up spending the night with him(we were both hours from home in the same hotel...fate I guess.) She called 3 times and that is when he started with the nutcase game and kept it up all night sounding urgent about having to move outta there because she'll throw all his stuff out(what little he had anymore because he threw 80% of it away when he moved....I guess he figured he didn't need it anymore because she had everything they needed and they would be together forever???) The night was full of little headgames.....ya know where things could be taken either way kinda stuff....things that could make me believe that he had been thinking about me. The only thing is about the headgames is I can't imagine that he would even CONSIDER screwing me over again after what he did to me. I think it's safe to say I subtly made it clear that I still had feelings for him. I learned through the course of the night that his life is a mess right now.....this girl threatens to throw his stuff out when they fight, he just totaled his car 4 weeks prior and hadn't gotten a new one yet and his money situation wasn't good PLUS I think he feels a lot of guilt for screwing me over and hurting my daughter by taking off like he did. He's stressed and severely depressed. He will be 40 years old in 2 months so I think it's really getting to him that he is 40 and not married. He's someone that NEEDS security. When we were together we were very domesticated....lots of security and stability. He lives in an expensive area so his $92,000 a year doesn't feel like it unlike where I live where it's cheap.

 

I had an idea for him to stay another night up there. He said it might be possible because he had one guy leaving the next day(Tuesday) and he was going to catch a ride with him but he had another guy leaving the day after that(Wednesday) and he could catch a ride with him. His plan was to pack the next night(Tuesday) and move on Wednesday because he had off work. We worked out a plan where I was to call him at 3pm(Tuesday) and he would let me know. In the morning he asked for my cell number and made sure I had his. We run into each other at checkout. He's gazing at me like he just fell in love all over again(more headgames???). We part and at 1:30 I get a 50 second call from him sounding either stressed or tired. THIS IS IMPORTANT TO MY STORY> He says, "Hey listen. I have to head back. I'll give you a call in a day or two once I'm outta there and get situated. It was reeeeally good seeing you. I"m glad your doing better. I'll talk to ya real soon. Take care." That was it. Two weeks and 2 days go by, haven't heard from him so I send him an email. I don't know what to make of his response. My initial thought is that it's a blowoff but if I read into it, it's consistent with his flat, unanimated way he was when I was with him ALL NIGHT AND the email says a heck of a lot. I don't know if he's still depressed or not though. What do all of you think of his response and what should I do now. (Notice that I didn't tell him when exactly I would be in White Plains again.) Don't say no contact because, like I said, he lives 2 hours away now. It's important to remember that this is a man who is going to be 40 very soon which is getting to him AND he doesn't really have security in his life so he will probably feel more needy towards this girl that he is with(although he won't realize his intentions)....he is a little needy anyway and he likes strong women. I can work this situation to my benefit if I know how but I"m stuck. This email happened 1 week and 4 days ago(Thursday morning from my work to his work). I also sent a joke as an attachment with the email.

 

My email:

I am just sitting here at work and thought I would drop you a line or two. I think it took me a week to get over the initial shock of seeing you where I did. My heart still jumps when I think about it......blah, blah, blah...(7 more sentences about it.)

 

I was wondering how you are. I hope you are taking good care of yourself. I hope everything went well with the move. How about your car ordeal? Did you get everything worked out there?....blah, blah, blah....(3 more sentences about it.)

 

You didn't tell me to so I hope you don't mind but I told Kimmy(my daughter) that I ran into you. Her eyes lit up. She wants me to take her to play tennis over at your townhouse.......blah, blah, blah....(2 more sentences about it.)

 

I thought it would be a good idea to let you know that I will be working in White Plains again. I think I remember you telling me that you've been up there a number of times so, just in case, I thought I could avoid anymore near heart attacks for either you or me by giving up both a heads up. lol

 

So then, he opens my email in 7 minutes and responds in 1 hour 2 minutes. This is what he says:

 

Hey! Our email system stripped out the attachment. Oh well.

Ya, I still laugh about that. Very freaky. lol.

Not too much new with me. My move went pretty well, I'm still getting

settled, but it's good.

Unfortunately I won't be in White Plains until May sometime. I'm in

Manhattan next week.

 

Glad to hear you're doing well.

Take care.

 

What do I make of this situation, email and what do I do now? I love him and want him back so badly!! I'm pretty sure he is still severely depressed...severely!

[nenez]

Hi

Im sorry to say that this man is a user. He will not commit. He will not give up moving from girlfriend to girlfriend because he is a destructive relationship cycle.

It was probabaly a mistake to have spent the night with him because it has awakened all your feelings but not his. He did not call, he was offhand in his reply to your nice e mail. You sound like a strong and sensitive woman and I think you deserve better.

He cannot be saved by your love. He can only sort himself out. He is rsing 40. He should have grown up by now and should not be disregarading your feelings in such a cruel and callous way.

Do not use your daughter as an incentive. It will rasie her hopes and hurt her and he could not care less.

I am sorry to be so harsh but you will mess yourself and your daughter up if you let this user into your life again.

You can do better.

With love

Nenez

[nagol818]

I don't see him as a user. When he lived here he didn't use me. I may have even used him. How am I using my daughter to get to him? She was a very important part of our life and that is a fact.

 

Thanks for the advice but I just don't see it that way. He HAD to move because of his work situation. I can see he that he may have used the other woman though. I don't doubt that one bit. He ran scared from me and THAT is a fact.

 

Plus he is severely depressed. Have you ever been severely depressed? I just was 4 months ago and I don't think I would have responded very differently either...but that is only if he is still depressed.

[Shelly333]

Okay, so maybe you initially scared him off. It doesn't matter anymore. The truth is, he sounds detached and uninterested, and that is the bottom line. You can't make him be interested and come back to you again. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with an emotionally needy person anyway? Do you like playing the Savior role? I agree with the person who wrote before, you deserve better!

 

Guys as a whole just don't respond well to a woman chasing them when they (the guys) aren't really interested. The best thing to do is STOP contact (even though you pretend it's not an option when it is!). If he comes back looking for you, then go from there. I would read the Mars/Venus book, because it has a lot of wisdom about these situations. Your whole situation with this guy sounds like bad news. I know familiarity is nice, even when it's destructive, but I challenge you to find someone new who is not needy! Best of luck!

[nagol818]

I just don't get you people. I don't ask for you opinion on his personality, I ask how to get him back!

 

Is it severely depressed or detached???? He didn't act shocked when we ran into each other on the elevator but I SURE DID!!!...I"m not depressed though.

 

I like needy men so that isn't an issue. Why do I have to defend myself. All I asked is how to get him back.

[AnotherChick]

I don't know how to tell you to get this man back. He doesn't really sound like he's looking to come back. I wouldn't recommend putting your daughter in the middle of it. From what you said, I got the distinct impression that you believe he wants to be a daddy to your little girl when nothing about the story sounds that way. I know that's harsh, but as I read through everything that really jumped out at me.

 

I read the thing about him needing a "strong woman". That's great, but don't you also need a strong man? I mean that stuff has to be give and take. I've found that out the hard way. Niether you, nor he, can be strong everyday.

 

I must admit, I don't know what you are looking for from this post. I sincerely hope you find it though.

 

Good luck!

[AnotherChick]

I overlooked the "severely depressed" comment.

 

I can offer words of wisdom here. I grew up with 2 parents who were severely depressed. They were diagnosed back in the 80s when it wasn't really PC to admit to it yet. I raised me and my sister because they were perpetually stoned. They were on prozak when it was being tested, among MANY other doctor perscribed things. Of course, growing up thinking this was the norm, lead me to be serverely depressed, self destructive, and evenentually suicidal. So, having provided enough life history to give my words credibility, I know this:

 

Depressed = destructive. Someone severely depressed does need help, but by professionals and only after they, themselves have acknowledged it. You have not stated you are a professional. I understand you want to help, but this is not the way.

 

To provide further credibility: My father has recovered. I will NOT speak to my mother because I choose healthy positive environments now for my own sanity and mental health. She nearly drove me into the ground with her nonsense behavior. So, I know how hard it is to make these decisions about those you love. No one here is attacking you. You're doing what feels right. Some of us are pointing out that from similiar experiences, what feels right can be very wrong.

 

Again, Good luck!

[nagol818]

Yes, severely depressed....situational depression is another way to put it. Due to his situation it has caused him severe depression. He knows it. He doesn't know how to get out of it and he's been like that for awhile he said. I know how to get him out of it because I just went through it and knowing what his needs are also helps. He IS searching for answers and I have a lot of them. No I'm not a professional but as I said, I just pulled myself out of it without medication. So I guess a part of me just wants to reach out but a part of me is hesitant to do so.

 

As for my daughter, no I don't want him as a father and he knows that...she has one. They were very close friends and it's taken every excuse I can think of for her not to email him because she really, really wants to. I don't know if that would be a good idea though. What do you think?

[medtranusa]

Try reading the book He's scared, She's scared, and then decide if you really want him to have him back. It's about commitment phobics, men and women. It could possibly help you understand him better. In the meantime try to go with no contact if you want him back. Let him contact you. I agree that your daughter contacting him would not be a good idea for her sake.

[nagol818]

Thanks for the tip. I will pick up the book tomorrow.