rich 1517 - I did it

[rich_1517]

well if you are still listening today was the day.

 

i can look back and say either way i did what was truest to myself.

 

I called her and said i need more. that romance, intimacy passion and love come from two people seeking something together. not one.

 

I need you to show up and commit to working on this with me.

 

I did think to ask if there was something, someone or a feeling that was involved.

 

she said she is just trying to do what seems natural.

 

i said i can appreciate that, and i understand, but without an expression of feelings, without a sharing of feelings this will never happen. i know you dont want to look deep at your feelings but it is the only way we can find a solution.

 

i cannot build a fire on ground with no kindling.

 

i said i think i know where we went wrong, i think i know what we can do different. but it would take the two of us doing it.

 

soooo,. she said can i call you back? she said she will call today.

 

so now i wait. i have to think what do i want to do if she comes back with half of what i want or a question of how we do this. she may simply say i cant.

 

i ended with yesterday was great, it would have been better with a nice sweet kiss to end it. ill talk to you later.

 

Rich

[SincerlyHurt]

And the clarity you may soon gain due to your recent action will invigorate you. It will, whether it is the outcome you want or not. You are attempting to step off of the merry-go-round you and she have been on. Good for you Rich.

[rich_1517]

hmm. well she called with no answer. she called my line, the cell phone, my roomates cell phone. and then said: can we talk tomorrow?

 

i expected that, i think she is scared to face the truth of what i am saying. that you are losing me if you wont pick up your end of the relationship.

 

so we will talk tomorrow. she did say i know we were supposed to talk tonight. i was thinking um, no thats not what we were supposed to do. you were supposed to say if you are willing to work on it.

 

i may have to clarify that again.

[SteveNaive]

Rich, all I can say is way to go! I think you have made your point fairly clear, something, that she probably did not expect from you. I hope you really get the chance to work it out with her. If she wants it, then she has to take it without any "but"s... I cannot understand how someone can possibly be that afraid of their feelings. I mean she cannot expect you to just be around all the time without getting any sign from her... I think you were totally right. It was about time for it. I wish you all the luck you need now!

 

My own problem meanwhile is going in the same direction. She had a week with him, meeting me secretly, telling me how much she misses me, how much she wants a kiss, that she would much rather like to be with me than with him, even saying shes close to dumping him.

Yesterday she turned around again..."No, you know he is my boyfriend, but that does not change anything between us. I still want you close. Your cuddles, hugs kisses..." So I guess I will do the same you did. Tell her that if she wants me close she should do it with all consequences. If she does not want to leave him, she will lose me. I have got nothing to lose, because to me she is lost already.

[rich_1517]

thanks steve,

 

this is very hard it may take time for her to come around or she not at all or or.

 

but yes she is that afraid. she had no answer last night. and is actually i think trying to put this back into my court to see if i will blink and just accept again.

 

your situation is tough. your girl is really playing you hard, its very wrong. my question for you is you have to leave, based on her ability to lie at this point would you really want a long distance relationship with her?

 

i know that sounds harsh. but ask yourself would you now want this woman as your wife? im older and i ask that question just about the second i think i might be interested. but it isnt a bad test.

 

i can suggest how to get her back from him, how to be the better more attractive option but do you want her?

 

here are richs famous two questions

 

1: if you werent around would you want this woman raising your kids (like if you died)

2. can you accept her the way she is without changes?

 

hard questions but they tell you a lot about your real feelings. if you ever find someone with two yes's marry them immediately.

[SteveNaive]

Hey rich, a pleasure to receive advice from you again. Thank you for taking that time! To your questions:

 

1. I know no other girl of such warmth in heart. She may be very immature now and very undecisive and maybe even making wrong decisions. But still she has a very good heart. If I had kids and I would die, yes I would want her to take care of them, because she will be the most loving and caring mother I can imagine.

 

2. Can I accept her the way she is without changes? Yes. I loved her for all that she was and all that she is, even the undecided, nutty, not making her mind up bit, although it drives me nuts. I know she is taking me for quite a ride here and possibly even saving me as a backup. Still, in her heart she is a wonderful person and I love her just the way she is, even immature. One thing would have to change though: HE HAS GOT TO GO. But that is not really a change about her, right?

 

So, you say if we answer these two questions with yes, marry that person? Well, it's not that I wouldn't, however we are both still young and we both may change and have decisions to make and lives to live... But would I have to decide now, yes she would be the one. She said the same, but that might have been another "teen dream". Of all girlfriends I had she is THE ONE. Else I have no other explanation why I am still on this case. All other girls I would have long left alone. There is something very special about her, that keeps me going...and keeps me getting hurt.

 

As far as I can see it, she is not lying to me. She just is not able to make her mind up. She would rather stay in the middle of two guys than making a decision which would mean she would be hurt as well. So how do i get to make her one? Would your way work? Tell her it's all or nothing now? I know there is a large risk she will stay with him. Then again, she has been so afraid of losing me out of her life...it might actually work. But if she decides to be with him, I will wish her all the best, because I want her to be happy.

 

Sorry, I really should post this stuff in my own forum.

 

On to you: So she is very afraid of showing her feelings? Because she does not want to get hurt?! Well...read my signature...the line is from Bruce Springsteen's "Human Touch". I think it says a lot about situations like these. It doesn't really help though, does it?! But maybe you can show her that she has got to give something in order to make it worthwile for her as well?! I hope you do get your reply. If you don't, I guess you never really had a chance anyway...same which would apply to me. What do you think?

[DaisyB]

Rich, I think you did the right thing. This is not a decision you can make for her. . . scary as it is, the ball is in her court, and has to be. You've done so well and gotten so strong -- all while remaining patient and loving with your ex. A model for us all. . .