Husband now thinks he does not want to have kids

[kapgap]

Hello, i have been married just a year and it has been a tough one. My husband has never exactly embraced the idea of having children, but he never said he definitely didn't want to and when we had our premarital counseling he indicated he wanted to have 1 to 2 children. We have been going to counseling for the past month and 1/2 to deal with some conflicts we are having and this issue has surfaced, with him now saying he doesn't know if he wants to have kids. This came up a few months after we got married and I agreed to put the issue aside for a while as we worked on other things. It came up again and I feel that I need to know the answer one way or not soon.

At this point I have told him I need to know in 6 months whether he wants to have a kid or not. I am about to be 30 and my eggs aren't getting any younger. He knows that if he says he does not want to have kids the marriage will be over.

Am I wrong in setting this ultimatum? Does anyone have any helpful advice on this issue?

[hourglass]

Kapgap,

I can empathize with your feeling of wanting children, and sooner, rather than later. I'm mid-30's myself and am only now in a position to begin working on having a baby (and my clock is louder than yours).

 

It is a very important issue to agree upon with your spouse. However, I wonder if your husband has changed his mind due to the other recent troubles you've been having in the relationship. If he's currently thinking the marriage won't work, that may be the very reason he's reconsidering the idea of children. Maybe you can remember being in a similar situation of uncertainty for the future in which you'd rather not be making any life-changing decisions. He may be feeling that bringing a child into the unsettled mix wouldn't be the best choice.

 

I completely understand the priority of wanting children before time escapes. Maybe with a little more work through counseling and opening up to each other you'll discover the real reason he's apprehensive about the idea.

 

Although your ultimatum may seem a bit harsh, I can understand your position. You wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want the same thing out of life as you do. I would think six months of counseling and communication would result in either gaining some of that original love back, OR dare I say, realizing the relationship is irreparable. But PLEASE... stick with it a while. Being 30 isn't the beginning of the end; it's the beginning, at least for you and your husband. There must have been a good reason you both decided to marry. The fact that you both went through pre-marital counseling shows your commitment to each other. It will be hard work, but you CAN work through it if you both want the marriage to work. Once that happens you might find that your husband may turn around and re-think the child issue.

 

Hang in there - there are lots of us who have had relationship troubles, and gotten through them. Good luck.

[sisterlynch]

Once you work out all the fine details of a marriage, there is almost no point to it is there? Life gives us way more problems than there are solutions!

 

I could say give it 2 to 3 years to either make up a solution or come to a conclusion. May I ask why did you marry him? If having children is your only goal in this life, you could have picked a more likely candidate, couldn't you have? Do you love him for only one thing? Is he so ordinary that you'd leave him because his clock is off from yours by a few years?

 

Would he support you if you had a child on your own, without his assistance? Probably not, huh? Can you give him a year or two to work out his solutions to his problems? No? Well, you could easily start working on an annulment, you have proof of his lying on a piece of paper in your premarital counseling. Is the solution that easy? People are kind of like babies in a way, just when you think you have them all figured out they grow up and don't need you anymore. I would wait on the issue of children until you have every other problem sorted out.

 

I came from family of six and I ended up with only one and now I am as happy as I can be. I have come to the conclusion that men don't want to have a lot of children. They are much too much work! They require too much love and assitance at the worst times of all. For someone who is limited in these areas, that is just asking tooo much!

[DownUnderJane]

This is exactly what happened with my first husband and I. We were together 8 years all up. He said he wanted children and then changed his mind after we unexpectantly got pg 3 years after we were married.

 

He told me he couldn't handle it, wouldn't be there if things got tough and bascially said that he didn't want the responsibility of a child.

 

Needless to say we split up and I unfortunately had an abortion - which I really, really regret now.

 

I ended up finding my life partner and have had two girls with him so far.

 

It is so important to find someone who shares your life goals. My advice is to sort this situation out right away and if he really cannot commit to children leave him if you do you.

 

Remember you cannot take a child back - a child is for life. ALl the best to you.

[boso_zuku]

I have a similar problem. I don't know what to do.

I have been married to my wife for slightly less than a year. She is the woman I have been looking for my whole life. She is my life. We had always planned to have kids.. but she has decided that she doesn't want.. she feels she doesn't have the energy for it. She wants to talk about it but whenever it comes up all I can say is "I want to have kids" and nothing else. I don't think she nows how important it is to me. If I tell her and she is definite.... Just typing this is making me cry. I don't know what to say. I really want to have kids.. without them marriage seems pointlesss but the thought of divorcing my wife is killing me. I am not sure I can live without her. I don't know what to do. This is the hardest situation I have ever been in....